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View Full Version : Winning feels good but feels bad


monkeyisland90
05-22-2007, 12:56 PM
Does anyone like me feel good winning, but feel bit guilty or bad for the other player (unless, the person i play is a jerk, it feels very good :) ? I think Martina hingis when returning first time to australian open last year she said she feels bad for her opponent beating them easily...

I also feel that if i win against someone that plays me consistently, i'm always worried that they won't play with me again because they either don't like losing or take it bit personal. This sometimes had me throwing the game so they can play me again next time... or effected me mentally and actually lost because i didn't try my best.. (not on purpose either.)

Just feel that everytime i try hard and put in the effort/focus for a solid game, there will be someone on the other end feeling bit angry/sad and I don't like to go out and walk with them to the parking lot... I think it's cause i'm not very talkative and people think i take the match personally, but in reality i'm just shy guy wanting to try my best :)

So for me, playing hard and winning against really nice people is hard for me to swallow (i mean nice people who don't like to lose or give it all they have) . I think it's because when i play these people, they take losing very well (even though they are competitors themselves) but do have lot to say (tennis, politics, sports..etc) while i pretty much have nothing to say with a long pause and there lost has much more sting to them...
I guess, i just have to work on being more social then :)

SilverBullet
05-22-2007, 01:17 PM
lol I think the same way.
What I do when I win is to:
1. Never brag or tell anyone I had beaten them (unless you have to)
2. Compliment on their shots ('you have a killer serve/forehand', ect.)
3. Never tell them what they did wrong or coach them (they will get angry)
4. Don't talk to them if they are angry after the match (it's annoying)
5. Never be satisfied with yourself (they might beat you the next time)
Another thing I do is to not think 'I won so I can slack off a little bit' instead I think 'I won so I have to reach somewhere they can't reach me'.

If you think like this, you'll not only be able to feel less guilty, but you'll be able to get better too.

circusmouse
05-22-2007, 01:27 PM
I have this problem too because I'm on friendly terms with most of my hitting partners, and I think silverbullet makes some good suggestsions, though I sometimes break the "no coaching" rule. I just have to remind myself that I've received my fair share of beatings, too, and that they only made me a better player in the long run. When a match begins, both players have to try their best to win. I don't mind someone trying to beat me as long as they play fair. The people who really annoy me are the ones who hit too hard during warm-ups. People need to learn to play cooperative tennis as well.

monkeyisland90
05-22-2007, 01:27 PM
I like your post especially
Never tell them what they did wrong or coach them (they will get angry)
That's true.. they don't like this.. it kind of like you are above them or something... (especially a younger guy saying this to an older person.. )

Don't talk to them if they are angry after the match (it's annoying)
yeah, this one i understand also but realized if you talk about anything besides tennis this may take some sting out of there loss ... something that is interesting of course and not just made up to cheer them up.. being sincere..

Never be satisfied with yourself (they might beat you the next time)
I agree with you on this, as more you get full of yourself you lose focus and lose pretty badly next time..

fuzz nation
05-22-2007, 02:11 PM
I understand the two sides of the coin you're experiencing with competition. A big component of tennis is managing the space between your ears and I wish I'd learned more in my earlier days - having things better sorted out can make almost every outing a positive one, even when you lose.

Did you ever consider that you could be offending your opponent even more if he spots you going easy on him while you're winning? It's important to figure out your objectives when you're playing and see the difference between your goals and those of your opponent. You need to be able to play hard and improve, but that shouldn't put your friendships at risk.

When I was coaching high school teams, I did some reading to help with my know-how and I learned a lot from Vic Braden's Mental Tennis. It's a great read for understanding how to manage your mentality, recognize distractions (including ones we invent for ourselves), and stay focused in more situations. He's also really funny, but there are other books out there to help with our psychology, too. If you're young and improving, you can't neglect your head and expect your best tennis with bad psychology. We all need a little guidance with it, so look around when you can for a helpful book. It will definately be worth your time.

Baghdatis72
05-22-2007, 02:14 PM
No I don't have this problem fortunately. It's either myself or them and I have learned very well that if you don't put yourself before your opponent then you have no future in tennis and life in general. Of course this may be different in other occasions but that's a different point altogether.

tangoll
05-22-2007, 02:39 PM
In the tournaments that I play, they're usually not single elimination, so winning or losing to me is merely a directional pointer; if I win, I go to this path, if I lose, i go to some other path. At some point, the path ends when I play in the finals or I'm eliminated. So I feel quite neutral whether winning or losing; it's just another tennis match.

If I win by a score of 8 - 0 (pro set match), I'm just glad not to have to exert more energy than the minimum required and I don't feel particularly bad by beating an opponent in this way. I've lost 8 - 0 in doubles, but never in singles. I've felt really good when once, playing the first seed in singles, I was behind 7 - 0, but won the next game, and nearly won the following game as well, but eventually losing 8 - 1. I think that earned me some respect from that opponent, as well as the people watching, by really trying hard on those last two games, and refusing to go down and be beaten 8 - 0. And it was just another tennis match.

dave333
05-22-2007, 02:46 PM
I love winning. Esp when the other guy gets ****ed, screams, talks to himself, throws racquet, hits ball far away etc. If I'm really winning, I just junk him to death...then when you shake their hand they have their head down and stuff. Its hilarious.

Taxvictim
05-22-2007, 02:59 PM
I have a very competitive friend that has never beaten me in tennis. We play about 4 times per year. He's lucky to get 2 games per set.

I used to feel a little guilty about it, but after the match we usually hook up with our wives or some other buddies, and he NEVER tells them I won. Seems like he should at least make a self-deprecating joke about the result. So then, I feel better about winning.

Wives: "So, how was the big match?"

Me: "Really fun."

Him: "Good."

Me: Grrrrrhh! Makes me wonder what he tells his wife later.

Matt_MS
05-22-2007, 03:36 PM
I personally love it when I can find someone to hit with that beats the crap out of me, it makes me better.

sapient007
05-22-2007, 03:46 PM
i recall federer saying that he had this problem when beating his opp too bad eariler during his career.

my guess is that he got over that pretty quick especially considering how he dismantled nadal in rome

Budgerigar
05-22-2007, 08:44 PM
I think it's because when i play these people, they take losing very well (even though they are competitors themselves) but do have lot to say (tennis, politics, sports..etc) while i pretty much have nothing to say with a long pause and there lost has much more sting to them...
I guess, i just have to work on being more social then :)

well you want people to like you or respect you? I wouldn't prefer someone liking me just because they can beat me and feel good about it.

103xStateChamp
05-23-2007, 06:26 PM
No, that's dumb? Unless the kid is retarted I wouldn't fell bad for them. You beat the person shake there hand and thats it.

Bodacious DVT
05-23-2007, 06:40 PM
the only time that this has ever happened to me was a few weeks ago in a ladder match. i got paired up against a 10yr old and completely annialated him. my serves were bombs, i was hitting hard, it was amazing. the kid was pretty bad too.

afterwards his dad came up to me and asked me what his kid should work on. i said mainly consistancy and footwork, and to keep loving the sport.

i felt pretty bad but hey, im not the one who set up the match now am i?

trav*17
05-23-2007, 08:33 PM
my buddy and i started to play tennis about a year and a half ago, were actaully not to shabby now, we've made it the semis of big club tourneys in singles, and we made it to quarters once in doubles. Anyway, I've progressed much faster than he has, and he's only beat me once in a year and half, the first time we played. But i can beat him pretty easily now, cuz i know his game, so i sometimes try to help him out without him knowing, cuz he has a big ego, so i purposely have been hitting to his strong shots, so he can pound some winners, and it's been working quite well. I'd say i'd win on average 6-2 each set last sumer, but now it's pretty tight 6-4 maybe 7-5. The only bad thing is that, my progression has been slowing down. haha

shindemac
05-23-2007, 10:10 PM
Are you a girl?

nopiforyou
05-23-2007, 11:01 PM
Thanks Silverbullet...That does help.

Yeah, I've been through this many times. When I play tennis, I can't play easy, or I'll lose.......I've tried it too many times. For some reason I HAVE to go all out with effort. If I intentionally try to hold back, I just collapse on my own. I have felt bad for my opponents time to time when they're frustrated at themselves. AND SOMETIMES I feel bad for pushers when I'm beating them....but just SOMETIMES.

Phil
05-23-2007, 11:59 PM
Does anyone like me feel good winning, but feel bit guilty or bad for the other player (unless, the person i play is a jerk, it feels very good :) ? I think Martina hingis when returning first time to australian open last year she said she feels bad for her opponent beating them easily...

I also feel that if i win against someone that plays me consistently, i'm always worried that they won't play with me again because they either don't like losing or take it bit personal. This sometimes had me throwing the game so they can play me again next time... or effected me mentally and actually lost because i didn't try my best.. (not on purpose either.)

Just feel that everytime i try hard and put in the effort/focus for a solid game, there will be someone on the other end feeling bit angry/sad and I don't like to go out and walk with them to the parking lot... I think it's cause i'm not very talkative and people think i take the match personally, but in reality i'm just shy guy wanting to try my best :)

So for me, playing hard and winning against really nice people is hard for me to swallow (i mean nice people who don't like to lose or give it all they have) . I think it's because when i play these people, they take losing very well (even though they are competitors themselves) but do have lot to say (tennis, politics, sports..etc) while i pretty much have nothing to say with a long pause and there lost has much more sting to them...
I guess, i just have to work on being more social then :)

It sounds like you're just not suited, psychologically, for competitive sports. Maybe you should buy a ballmachine to play against. Set it on max speed/spin and just play, and no worries about the feelings of your mechanical opponent.

Kobble
05-24-2007, 12:32 AM
Just about everyone I have ever played was a dick. Like Matt Serra said of Matt Hughes, just getting a piece of them is reward enough. The last guy I played multiple times quit after I beat him 13 or so straight times. I feel great about that, since he said I sucked and didn't have a chance.

Jyles
05-24-2007, 12:36 AM
hmm true points, :! and some not true :!. but we must remember their are different types of people out their, some take things the wrong way, some could care less, i know when i lose or this and that i want the other person to coach me on what i did wrong etc, and if they brag about winning, hey they won so?

and #1 reason why we shouldn't care tat much about the other person, is that its a Game.. its not a buddy class, but a game, in a game there will always be a winner and a loser, just make sure u win most the time :D. although losing isn't bad, helps us improve more ;).

Drona
05-24-2007, 03:37 AM
Funny, during practice matches w/ my 3.5 teammates, I've won the last sets 0,1,0,2, etc. I was feeling bad for my teammates and wondering if I was ready to move up to 4.0. Because these were practice matches, we did coach eachother and tell what was effective, what bothered us.

The next day I played a 4.0 and lost 0,1! Despite the score, I had a great time and would come back for another match any time. It was great to have my weaknesses exploited and to see what I need to do better for next level. So I realized that IF the people I were beating 0 and 1 had a similar attitude, then I need not feel bad for them.

origmarm
05-24-2007, 03:46 AM
I personally love it when I can find someone to hit with that beats the crap out of me, it makes me better.

I have to agree with this, while winning is great, losing to a really tough opponent gets you to really raise your game

richw76
05-24-2007, 10:31 AM
the only time that this has ever happened to me was a few weeks ago in a ladder match. i got paired up against a 10yr old and completely annialated him. my serves were bombs, i was hitting hard, it was amazing. the kid was pretty bad too.

afterwards his dad came up to me and asked me what his kid should work on. i said mainly consistancy and footwork, and to keep loving the sport.

i felt pretty bad but hey, im not the one who set up the match now am i?

WOW! unless you are 12 you're an animal :-) .

Funny, during practice matches w/ my 3.5 teammates, I've won the last sets 0,1,0,2, etc. I was feeling bad for my teammates and wondering if I was ready to move up to 4.0. Because these were practice matches, we did coach eachother and tell what was effective, what bothered us.

The next day I played a 4.0 and lost 0,1! Despite the score, I had a great time and would come back for another match any time. It was great to have my weaknesses exploited and to see what I need to do better for next level. So I realized that IF the people I were beating 0 and 1 had a similar attitude, then I need not feel bad for them.

Yeah this is a tough one, I don't want to play people that I can beat 0,1.

But I'm not sure how much you learn by losing 0,1. If I box Mike Tyson(in his prime ;-) ) am I gonna really learn anything?

But I think I would rather move up, and practice harder and eventually beat up on the next guy. He can pay his dues like you did.

Who ever made the suggestion not to "coach" unless asked is right on. This happened to me last week. I was playing a kid that said he was #3 at his high school, it was just a pick up game at a public park court. We played a set and I won very easily 6-2. I saw one problem in his game that I thought would really help him... well maybe two but I didn't mention that one. Anyway I "helped" and he got kinda ****y. I should have waited until he asked for help he probably thought I was talking down to him, which was not my intention.

calvinchang
05-24-2007, 11:43 AM
If I win 6-0, 6-0, I'm always wondering if I could have won more love games, or hit more aces, or more good shots, better drop shots, volleyed more. Why are you worrying about winning? Just worry about doing your best man. If they don't want to play with you, they must not care much about tennis because to play with someone better than you is to improve to their level eventually.

GuyClinch
05-24-2007, 12:44 PM
Yup - as someone was saying always chalk up your victories to luck - complement your opponents good shots (not the crappy ones cause they will know your lying) and don't brag and most people are happy to play with you. Also make sure you give your opponent benefit of the doubt on close shots. It will really make you someone people want to play with, IMHO.

Personally what is more frustrating is losing because your screwing up shots that you feel you SHOULD make rather then just getting outplayed.

Pete

Americanfan411
05-24-2007, 06:25 PM
Does anyone like me feel good winning, but feel bit guilty or bad for the other player (unless, the person i play is a jerk, it feels very good :) ? I think Martina hingis when returning first time to australian open last year she said she feels bad for her opponent beating them easily...

I also feel that if i win against someone that plays me consistently, i'm always worried that they won't play with me again because they either don't like losing or take it bit personal. This sometimes had me throwing the game so they can play me again next time... or effected me mentally and actually lost because i didn't try my best.. (not on purpose either.)

Just feel that everytime i try hard and put in the effort/focus for a solid game, there will be someone on the other end feeling bit angry/sad and I don't like to go out and walk with them to the parking lot... I think it's cause i'm not very talkative and people think i take the match personally, but in reality i'm just shy guy wanting to try my best :)

So for me, playing hard and winning against really nice people is hard for me to swallow (i mean nice people who don't like to lose or give it all they have) . I think it's because when i play these people, they take losing very well (even though they are competitors themselves) but do have lot to say (tennis, politics, sports..etc) while i pretty much have nothing to say with a long pause and there lost has much more sting to them...
I guess, i just have to work on being more social then :)

Go for the neck :)

EricW
05-24-2007, 07:40 PM
Definitely doesn't feel bad for me. I try to beat them as bad as possible! If i'm up 5-0 and lose a game I get ****ed. I literally try to blow people off the court. When it happens to me i'm just happy I have someone that much better than me to practice with!