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View Full Version : Almost Broke Another 88: Part 2


JoelDali
08-06-2011, 05:54 PM
Broke out the BrunoHau 88 for an invitational tournament in Westlake Village that plucks all of the damp and moist 4.5 players from various parts of the country and gathers them in a large dimly lit room to convince them that no one is really watching them play.

I was set to battle forth one of those fast Japanese dudes who is legendary for his calmness and graciousness on the court. In other words, the opposite of me. Controlling emotion is deeper than Allen Fox's dark crevasse of sludgeounous tennis mud.

Bruno was last strung with Tour Bite 17 in February 2011. Totally dead but play-worthy. The Pacific white OG has chips, nicks, and epic dabs of goobley goop and teef marks that were inflicted by a girl named Farrah from Murray Hill in June 2011.

I quickly was ahead 2-0 in the first set. Ok I thought another wall with no weapons. I hadn't played with the 88 in months so serving was really off, averaging 1 DF per 2 service games which is unheard of for me. There's 6-8 people watching my match. My opponent's little baby girl was crying but quickly stopped. Why am I playing with this stupid stick? Ah, thats right because it has the most piercing depth of shot for my recreationally enhanced strokes.

I'm up 4-2 but its closer than that. I'm getting frustrated. This is the kind of guy that I usually can handle quickly. I started to abuse poor Bruno like a fool: a few throws against the fence, a mad overhead smashing sequence into the net. Imagining the net is a composition of all the things I hate and the girl that made me cry on Ventura Blvd in 1987, mercilessly beating it after missing an easy *** forehand 5 feet in the court at my shoulders.

The crowd of 6-8 will never forget it: that guy is a mental midget headed spazz case. Arthur Ashe once said his reputation was his most prized possession, I tend to destroy mine with Wilson Box Beams in my hand. But I know in the end they all love me for the various GOAT shots I make in a 3 set match.

I'm mentally spazzing out after every point. What a waste of energy. I think this is why dad lost interest in me after I broke a Borg Pro with 100 people watching in a 14 under southern cal satellite final. Look, look there is my retarted son abusing the greatest wood racquet of all time, shaming Bjorn Borg's name and crushing the immortal power of the Donnay brand in the early 80s into splinters on Westshore Tennis Club's show court. He sure is a wonderful young fellow. LoL.

So I lose the first set 7-5. Down 4-2 in the second. And I pulled out the second at 6-3.

I'm up 3-0 in the 3rd. I'm taking some of his second serves early and just killing them for winners. I started playing really high risk tennis and it paid off. After an epic point that I won with a disgusting topspin lob a woman in a seriously sexy white shirt who was probably considered really damn hot in the 1950's said "you have a fantastic game" on the changeover. I had to check her out because any woman that says I have a fantastic game is worthy of my grotesque affections. But alas I noticed that her legs had advanced spider tubes growing on the outset edge of her age advanced epidermic region. But they were tan and long legs and were worthy of a young man's glance or an old man's battered sexual thought process. I said to her I always play bad on this court but thanks. I always turn a tennis positive into a tennis negative because that's what I was taught on Talk Tennis. It really makes me feel weird when I know in my heart I truly suck to get complimented when you feel like you're playing like steaming hot brown flavored crap piles in front of 6-8 people.

I go up 5-1 in the 3rd, I'm cruising like Fedace on a skateboard in the Gaslight district.

Its 40-0.

3 match points. I flub a drop shot that landed 10 inches in front of me, what a serious LOL. Double fault. Wild forehand out. He wins the game, its now 5-2. Ok calm down dipstick, odds are I will win one of the next 2 games the way I've been playing. Easy money.

Koshimoko claws back and starts yelling Japanese slogans of old Shiatsu warriors who during a heated fencing joust with sharper swords would groan out to the Gods who would in turn deliver invisible doses of courage and resilience. 5 minutes later I'm dumbfounded to find myself at 5-5.

Ok, WTF. Lets go Bruno. When I put my mind to winning late in a match I tend to win. There was just no effing way I was going to live with knowing I lost with a 5-1 40 love lead. Oh dear God no. Holy crap I sound like Cindy.

I go back to work and eventually win it 7-5.

In the next round I will try so hard to keep my cool. I'm sorry Bruno. I literally just took you out of your bag and tried to rub out all the sore spots around your throat I inflicted today. What a moron I am for abusing you like that. I don't blame you if you don't ever forgive me. But if you think that my apology is worthy lets kick some *** tomorrow. Just don't let that 8 month old TB 17 break otherwise I'll just have to be a triple stupid idiot and whip out and wield forth the BLX 85 with week old NXTt17 and custom weighted BLX Crystal injections.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3100/2758351324_93c9253e0b.jpg

roundiesee
08-06-2011, 06:10 PM
Joel, .............. this is a true story right? ;) No matter, am eagerly awaiting the next installment! :)

HiroProtagonist
08-06-2011, 06:23 PM
Tennis Noir...

I like it, I could see Bogart with a KPS in one hand and a hand rolled cigarette in the other, givin the old slanty, skeptical, studying eye to the Asian arch nemesis and the vixenous siren clearly planted there to throw him off his game.

Although I'm wondering how he manages to play tennis at all with the trench coat and fedora.

movdqa
08-06-2011, 06:35 PM
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.styledash.com/media/2008/06/81671274.jpg

Fed Kennedy
08-06-2011, 07:29 PM
Joel, that was the best post I have ever read on TW.
It was like watching a montage of your greatest moments.

Power Player
08-06-2011, 07:37 PM
The Fedace line brought me to my knees and I proceeded to read the rest of the poast from that position.

I can relate..I hate melting down so much..it made me quit for music when I was 15 and about to climb my high school ladder to Varsity glory. I thought I was past it and melted down again today. It sucks, I hope to do better tomorrow.

JoelDali
08-06-2011, 07:59 PM
Joel, that was the best post I have ever read on TW.
It was like watching a montage of your greatest moments.

I shall top that post with this one.

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnwxzy10us1qbdem0o1_500.jpg

MrFlip
08-06-2011, 11:23 PM
Can I suck it too? Where do I get my latte from? Or do I need 100000000 posts first?

Fed Kennedy
08-07-2011, 12:22 AM
If you do not recognize the OP as great literature may God have mercy on your soul. Joel if you need help with the screenplay, I'm always available.

TennisMaverick
08-07-2011, 01:32 AM
Koshimoko claws back and starts yelling Japanese slogans of old Shiatsu warriors who during a heated fencing joust with sharper swords would groan out to the Gods

That's Racist!

Larrysümmers
08-07-2011, 01:04 PM
When is your book coming out?

Steve Huff
08-07-2011, 03:08 PM
I'm sure that's you in the top right of that picture. The post made me laugh, which is truly refreshing considering most of the posts here lately. Thanks.

JoelDali
08-07-2011, 03:24 PM
That's Racist!

http://www.elainelewissuccess.com/img_1442_innamorati2.jpg

Power Player
08-08-2011, 08:47 AM
It appears that the Ace of Feds has been banned.

A shocking moment in TW history. The boards have been shook to the core.

JD, we are waiting for a tourney update.

JT_2eighty
08-08-2011, 08:58 AM
Wow, this is why I shouldn't be on the forums at work, because now I have a stupid grin on my face, trying to contain this laughter, and everyone here knows I must not be working because nobody smiles when this much paperwork is on their desk. Great thread, A+!

JoelDali
08-08-2011, 09:00 AM
It appears that the Ace of Feds has been banned.

A shocking moment in TW history. The boards have been shook to the core.

JD, we are waiting for a tourney update.

Wow. Just. Wow.

Round of 16 is this Saturday.

Anyone have the poast that canned Fed?

Sentinel
08-08-2011, 09:07 AM
I would have seriously wept had you lost the 3rd set. Some references were fantastic.
Anyway, you are better than Federer, he would have lost the match.

JoelDali
08-08-2011, 10:44 AM
Anyway, you are better than Federer.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aRE25RtcVM8/TE240Kq-CVI/AAAAAAAADHs/wXGyxmTnb7A/s1600/truth2.jpg

thug the bunny
08-08-2011, 12:40 PM
What a read! It was like the wit of David Feherty combined with the brutally honest imagery of Hemingway. We want more!

el sergento
08-08-2011, 07:29 PM
88 For the win!

http://www.thespacereview.com/archive/1777a.jpg

JGads
08-08-2011, 08:53 PM
Wow. I'm sorry, but this is the GPOAT.

JoelD, I applaud you.

kimbahpnam
08-08-2011, 09:06 PM
doesn't it go point, game, match? no code violations?

Fed Kennedy
08-08-2011, 09:31 PM
I think I might have had relations with the 88 in question. Bruno and I have swapped box beams in broad daylight several times over. (!)

JoelDali
08-09-2011, 07:29 AM
Took Bruno last night to get strung up with SS 17 at 60. Since I loved SS in the PT90 I thought I'd try it in the 88. Flouro was always good to me so I'm sure SS will be similar. My match is tomorrow night against a big serving behemoth from Los Angeles. I took a look at his record, average 4.5 league career with a few Open victories in his satchel.

I have a few days to kill and contemplate Maria Shriver's golden uterus before the match so last night I took a cab to Topanga Canyon and ended up at the Rock Store where I was brutally bludgeoned by an amazing brook trout and garlic butter toast breakfast. There is nothing better than California fresh fruit, Orange juice and clean toilet paper.

I pick up Bruno at 12PM at the Big 5 Sporting Goods store in the Valley. The dude that took possession of Bruno said "those sticks are really hard to hit with..." I will never understand how some people play with Babolats and they'll never understand the piercing flesh eating properties of the Bruno 88.

I'm on my way to The Landing at Westlake Lake to possibly buy a Bass Tracker 14 foot boat from some guy name Jeff. I'm looking to retire and go after the world record large-mouth at Lake Otay next year. Giving up tennis for bass...totally worthy trade.

Pickle9
08-09-2011, 07:39 AM
i'm here for you JD

Power Player
08-09-2011, 07:41 AM
You beast.

Some of us are topspin hoars and inhale cortex.


http://think2design.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/hr-puff-n-stuff.jpg

nalvarado
08-09-2011, 05:16 PM
Wow. Just. Wow.

Round of 16 is this Saturday.

Anyone have the poast that canned Fed?

I believe it was this.

http://tt.tennis-warehouse.com/showpost.php?p=5879905&postcount=109

JoelDali
08-09-2011, 07:20 PM
I believe it was this.

http://tt.tennis-warehouse.com/showpost.php?p=5879905&postcount=109

Whats really ironic is hes 100% right.

http://www.geospectra.net/fieldgeology/basalt2_0463.jpg

dParis
08-09-2011, 08:07 PM
I believe it was this.

http://tt.tennis-warehouse.com/showpost.php?p=5879905&postcount=109
Is this post still on the boards? It's one of my all-time faves. In fact, it became my signature the moment after I stopped laughing. When I noticed the Fedace was smitten by the B.H., I looked to see if his post was still there and it was, so I felt safe that I would not be nicked by the follow-through. Lo and behold, I woke up this morning to find my signature wiped out. I assumed the Fedace's post was also removed.

FedExpress 333
08-09-2011, 08:24 PM
JoelDali=GPOAT

movdqa
08-10-2011, 03:34 AM
A relatively tame post - it was all about tennis equipment - it was the analogy that was the problem. Oh well, perhaps it's a temporary ban.

JoelDali
08-10-2011, 03:41 AM
I predict it was a 2 week ban.

All epic poasters have been banned. You do not become a GPOAT without experiencing a ban.

Spencer taught me a great lesson when he gave me a 72 hour troll hold.

Fedace's return to Talk Tennis will surely astonish all inhabitants of the burning planet.

I have gone on a Fedace Fast for 4 days now in his honour.

I feel weak and near death but the cause is too great to ignore.

FedererBestTennis
08-10-2011, 10:02 AM
I predict it was a 2 week ban.

All epic poasters have been banned. You do not become a GPOAT without experiencing a ban.

Spencer taught me a great lesson when he gave me a 72 hour troll hold.

Fedace's return to Talk Tennis will surely astonish all inhabitants of the burning planet.

I have gone on a Fedace Fast for 4 days now in his honour.

I feel weak and near death but the cause is too great to ignore.
Finally I'm back!

I know how Fedace feels! I just experienced my own 3-week ban. My trial was held yesterday and I was found not guilty.

Our favorite Talk Tennis Guru will be back soon.

Fed Kennedy
08-10-2011, 10:24 AM
Fedace was the William Faulkner of these boards, a prose stylist without peer, he illuminated the dark corners of the human experience with his painfully honest reviews of strings that were not spinny enough, rackets that were not long enough and swingweights that were too high for elite level recreational doubles.
We are all diminished in his passing.

Power Player
08-10-2011, 11:03 AM
Rumor is that to return to the boards, FedAce must defeat Tennis And Music on film in a battle of WCoast TW majestry.

FedererBestTennis
08-10-2011, 11:21 AM
Quite an intriguing 4.5 matchup. :p

Chair umpire: sureshs

Linespeople: Golden Eagle Flock

Special Guests: jackson vile, LG

Power Player
08-10-2011, 11:45 AM
FedAce claims to have 5.5 strokes, so if T&M wins it would be a massive upset that would take the boards down in a TTennis free for all of death and destruction.

FedererBestTennis
08-10-2011, 11:55 AM
Well perhaps we as linespeople can pitch in. :twisted:

Will the EagleEye linecalling system be in place for this match?

http://tekspeak.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/hawk-eye-tennis1.jpg

Power Player
08-10-2011, 12:19 PM
The Golden Eagle sees all and knows all - if you allow it to.

-Socrates circa 399 BC