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TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 01:42 PM
Hey, one of my good friends confided in me an issue he's been having with his girlfriend the last few weeks. He really wants to get people's opinions, but doesn't want the situation to get too public and let people know there's a problem.
Here's some background info: He and his girlfriend are both seniors in college, been dating since freshmen year (3 years), and want to go to grad school together. She does much better in school, so he's hoping to get in anywhere and she's happy just to go to the same grad school with him. She has been a commuter all her college career since she lives 5 miles away from the college, and he's an RA on campus. They both are taking +20 credits and have very little time together as it is.

Anyway, this semester she is working in a chem lab with someone that just transferred to the college. He's kinda weird looking, laughs when no one is talking, and makes comments to himself - believe me, just kind of a weird dude. At first, the girlfriend was ****ed at him bc she hates incompetent people and he was slaking of and making her work harder. But somehow she found out he has depression and used to be really good in school but now just doesn't care.

My friend says that for over 2 weeks she is always helping him with class and lab work, even during the few short times they would have together during the week. As I said before she commutes to school (and leaves at 5pm typically), but recently she has had to stay over at the boyfriend's place for various reasons (this does not happen often, maybe 2 times a year). The thing is that the 3 times shes stayed over recently, she has worked on chem with the guy from 10pm to 3am, went out with one of her girlfriends for girl time from 10pm to 2am, and then this Saturday went to see rocky horror picture show with the guy while the boyfriend was on duty and couldnt go (she said she would be back by 2:00am at the latest, but due to the north east weather got back closer to 4am). It seems to the boyfriend that she is essentially just crashing at his place. Also, once this week she said she was working on chem at his dorm, when they normally work in one of the academic buildings.

Anyway, my friend genuinely loves this girl, but is finding it harder every day to fully trust her. He isn't arguing that she needs to make more time to spend with him - all he wants is the little free time she has to be spent with him and not this other guy. He waits for her to come to his dorm during times he knows shes free, but he says he'll get a text saying that she has to go home and didnt know the chem would take so long. She insists that they're just friends, and she is doing her duty as a friend to help him with his work and help him conquer his depression single-handedly. The "new friend" does take meds, but apparently has been taking the wrong kind and doesn't see a therapist anymore.

The point that my friend is trying to make is that all of his girlfriends free time is going to this new guy, and its really messing him up. The girlfriend sees the boyfriend as being jealous and controlling.

I dont know man, ive seen this kid in dinning halls with his roommates, and apparently he has a girlfriend of his own, so all this depression stuff isnt sitting straight with me. I myself have taken Neuropsychology classes and studied matters of depression, and sometimes it seems like it doesnt add all up, or at least that the way my friends girlfriend is trying to "help" this guy is only going to be a short term masking of the real problems he has.

Anyway, he wants to see what strangers have to say about this. there are other small aspects to the story, but the gist is that he feels that the guy is getting first priority and essentially being more of a boyfriend to her than he is. For now, he believes that she isnt cheating, but insists to her that anyone else that saw this situation would think so.

What do you think?

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 02:01 PM
and we wont even touch hypocrisy where the second a guy is a friend with a girl, here come the questions and phone checks and whatnot, thats a given.

but also in the past when he needs to buy more texts she asks him "why do you need more texts, who are you texting? I still have most of mine." now she is literally texting this guy all the time non stop. she says hes a heavy texter, and I know this girl never texted a lot. but my friend has even asked her not to text him while she is actually over, but she still does when she thinks he doesnt know.

ollinger
10-31-2011, 02:11 PM
Cheating? No clear indication of that. Bored with him? Perhaps. You mention she does "much better" in school than he, perhaps the relationship feels less interesting to her than it once did. The other guy may also appeal to her maternal instinct as he's troubled, apparently depressed, and odd. Women her age (? 21) are drawn to people like him who need nurturance and support, an instinct most men don't relate very well to. Has your friend made an effort to befriend the other guy? He should. A couple approaching grad school age needs to be able to do certain things if they're to remain a viable couple, and one of those is to take an interest in the other's friends, as adult couples generally do. If the other guy has a girfriend, the four of them should socialize some together. This will be an important milestone for your friend and his girlfriend as a couple, and help clarify what's going on.

Cindysphinx
10-31-2011, 02:48 PM
She's just not that into him.

Sorry.

angharad
10-31-2011, 02:53 PM
Not necessarily cheating, but I doubt she's giving him the whole truth.


My guess would be that the other guy has latched onto your friend's girlfriend and has confided in her about his depression and other issues she might not feel at liberty to talk about. I'd bet that he's alone most of the time, and she's likely the only friend he really has at the moment. That, unfortunately, makes her his sole support in the matter, so she really wants to help him, or at least feels obligated to. She likely feels at least a little flattered that he confided in her as well. It's a dangerous position for her to be in, in all honesty. No one should feel like they have full responsibility for another person's happiness or life, and that's kind of what's happened to her. It's a situation that escalates easily.


The best advice I can give is for all of them to start therapy. Seriously. The other guy should go because he's clearly dealing with depression. Your friend's girlfriend should go to figure it all out for herself and to absolve herself of some responsibility for this other guy. And your friend should probably go - maybe with his girlfriend - to some kind of couples therapy if they're that serious about making long-term plans together. Therapy is generally available to college students at a low- or no-cost rate, usually through health services or Residential Life.

Rui
10-31-2011, 03:06 PM
It doesn't sound good for your friend.

I had a friend and cube mate. An average looking guy who was thrown into a close work project with a beautiful woman, who was married with a child. They worked together overtime for weeks. They ended up having a brief "fling."

You put men and women together in close quarters and sexual sparks will fly.

It could be temporary though. Still, what's done will be done.

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 06:11 PM
He told me this afternoon that after he got out of his class early (with this class it happens a lot), he went to an academic building where he knows she is most of the time. He saw her back pack by a computer, so he sat at the computer next to it and waited for her. He said in a minute she was there, and asked why he was out of class. He explained, and then she said that they should move to where there were more computers than just the two computers next to each other. He asked why (pretty much knowing the answer), and she said bc the other guy was coming back and they were going to work since she got out of class early, too. He told me that he just left, and that she called him a jerk. He was pretty upset that every time he had gotten out early in the past he'd text her and she'd say she was working, so it was common knowledge for her, and still after she was done early she wanted to work with this other guy. Still, to play devils advocate for my friend, she had a lot of work to finish for the day. But still, it kinda follows the trend.

Is either of them in the right or wrong in this situation?

Agent Orynge
10-31-2011, 06:14 PM
While it's easy to jump to conclusions, stranger things have happened. I say give her the benefit of the doubt, but even supposing she's innocent, she needs a good talking to. If she has feelings for your friend, she should understand that what she's doing to him emotionally is super unfair. If you somehow manage to widen her perspective and she still prioritizes the other guy, then that should give you a good indication of the strength of her feelings towards your friend. The question then becomes whether or not he feels like staying in such an imbalanced relationship.

Of course, you guys could just wait out the semester and see how she acts after classes end. The key would be stepping lightly enough to not endanger what might still be a perfectly good relationship.

autumn_leaf
10-31-2011, 06:16 PM
As time goes on people get bored with each other, it just happens for the majority of us.

Chemistry is legitimately a hard subject that many of my friends struggle with so I'm willing to believe the part where labs run late.

And unless you had depression or dealt with people with depression you don't know how they act. What they seem like in public could be the direct opposite of how they actually feel.

Agent Orynge
10-31-2011, 06:22 PM
As time goes on people get bored with each other, it just happens for the majority of us.

Chemistry is legitimately a hard subject that many of my friends struggle with so I'm willing to believe the part where labs run late.

And unless you had depression or dealt with people with depression you don't know how they act. What they seem like in public could be the direct opposite of how they actually feel.

"You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by."

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 07:27 PM
Again, he does believe that they're just friends. He wants me to do this just to prove that she's at least giving the impression that she could very well be cheating to an unbiased audience. I'm trying to be as fair and accurate as possible when describing the scenarios

albino smurf
10-31-2011, 07:35 PM
Your friend will probably drive her away and into this new guys arms. Look at the upside though. In a few years you'll barely remember the stuff that seems super important to you when you are a teenager.

SoBad
10-31-2011, 07:43 PM
Can someone who has read the entire OP please summarise it in a single brief paragraph, so that the rest of us can provide insightful comments?

autumn_leaf
10-31-2011, 07:51 PM
Can someone who has read the entire OP please summarise it in a single brief paragraph, so that the rest of us can provide insightful comments?

Couple barely has time together. The free time she does have she spends with her girlfriends or studying with her male lab partner. Boyfriend (OP's friend) wants strangers' opinions.

Agent Orynge
10-31-2011, 07:54 PM
Can someone who has read the entire OP please summarise it in a single brief paragraph, so that the rest of us can provide insightful comments?

Would you like someone to mail you adderall?

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 07:57 PM
Your friend will probably drive her away and into this new guys arms. Look at the upside though. In a few years you'll barely remember the stuff that seems super important to you when you are a teenager.

The thing though is we're all in college here, less than a year away from graduate school. This is the important stuff, this is real life man

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 08:10 PM
You mention she does "much better" in school than he


when i say much better, his gpa is low 3. something but she has right next to a 4.0. the point i was trying to make is that she is just smarter than he is, but i dont know if thats a big deal, just stating facts.

SoBad
10-31-2011, 08:19 PM
Couple barely has time together. The free time she does have she spends with her girlfriends or studying with her male lab partner. Boyfriend (OP's friend) wants strangers' opinions.

Thank you. This woman affords no social time to her so-called boyfriend, so she is only using him for sex? Is that what is going on here?

angharad
10-31-2011, 08:21 PM
Again, he does believe that they're just friends. He wants me to do this just to prove that she's at least giving the impression that she could very well be cheating to an unbiased audience. I'm trying to be as fair and accurate as possible when describing the scenarios

If she's not cheating on him - and he believes that she's not - why does he give half a damn what anyone else thinks? Is this about their relationship or his ego?

sapient007
10-31-2011, 08:22 PM
lets cut to the chase

1. your friend = you
2. the gf = cheating wh@re

you need to move on and stop posting in 3rd person

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 08:27 PM
Thank you. This woman affords no social time to her so-called boyfriend, so she is only using him for sex? Is that what is going on here?

No, there is absolute minimal time being spent together before she commutes home. when she is over for a very brief time, my friend (who wears his heart on his sleeve) isn't all in the mood to enjoy it. again, there are previous times in a given day that she chooses to be with the other guy, leaving my friend wondering if she'll come over or not when he has nothing to do. He wants to enjoy the little time theyre together, but he says he cant help but focus more on the fact that she doesnt even give him her spare time anymore, that the time they are together seems more like an obligation for her.

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 08:28 PM
lets cut to the chase

1. your friend = you
2. the gf = cheating wh@re

you need to move on and stop posting in 3rd person

not me dude, i wouldnt deal with that crap haha

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 08:30 PM
If she's not cheating on him - and he believes that she's not - why does he give half a damn what anyone else thinks? Is this about their relationship or his ego?

no, because shes convinced that a normal person would assess the situation like she was in the right and he is overreacting. All he truly wants is for her to put him higher on her priority list then the other guy. I mean, he is her boyfriend. But that's why he wants more opinions than mine haha

SoBad
10-31-2011, 08:32 PM
No, there is absolute minimal time being spent together before she commutes home. when she is over for a very brief time, my friend (who wears his heart on his sleeve) isn't all in the mood to enjoy it. again, there are previous times in a given day that she chooses to be with the other guy, leaving my friend wondering if she'll come over or not when he has nothing to do. He wants to enjoy the little time theyre together, but he says he cant help but focus more on the fact that she doesnt even give him her spare time anymore, that the time they are together seems more like an obligation for her.

On the surface, it sounds like they are done. Is there a reason why he is not pursuing opportunities outside of this dysfunctional non-binding relationship?

TheLambsheadrep
10-31-2011, 08:33 PM
On the surface, it sounds like they are done. Is there a reason why he is not pursuing opportunities outside of this dysfunctional non-binding relationship?

opportunities?

SoBad
10-31-2011, 08:41 PM
opportunities?

I am very sorry if the term I used was unclear. What I meant by "opportunities" was opportunities to develop relationships with third parties that your friend would find more satisfying than his present dysfunctional relationship.

angharad
10-31-2011, 08:55 PM
no, because shes convinced that a normal person would assess the situation like she was in the right and he is overreacting. All he truly wants is for her to put him higher on her priority list then the other guy. I mean, he is her boyfriend. But that's why he wants more opinions than mine haha

She's not exactly in the right or in the wrong, but he is overreacting. If that's all he's looking for - for her to make him a higher priority - he needs to cut the drama, stop questioning her friendships, and just outright tell her that. A good tactic to use is for him to understand that he is a high priority for her and then help her understand that she needs to make him feel like a high priority in her life. There's a difference between loving somebody and making sure they know you love them, and that sounds like the big issue here.

adamX012
10-31-2011, 10:22 PM
On the surface, it sounds like they are done. Is there a reason why he is not pursuing opportunities outside of this dysfunctional non-binding relationship?

You sound like an expert in love therapy but the suggestion you provided to OP's friend is very truthful. Well, if that girl does not have a job, I would suggest the guy walk away from the relationship. If that girl does have a job, then it would be a different story. I did drank a bit while posting this message.

albino smurf
11-01-2011, 06:10 AM
The thing though is we're all in college here, less than a year away from graduate school. This is the important stuff, this is real life man

Time to grow up then. Having your friend ask people, worse strangers on the web, shows a complete lack of understanding of what women want in a man. Best of luck.

coolblue123
11-01-2011, 06:38 AM
yep. from reading through the entire thread, it seems like the gf doesn't care about your friend. Either that or ur friend and the gf are not on the same page. This time in their lives can be very difficult, too many things happening.

Either or, time for your friend to find someone else.

Time for your friend, Gordon, to cast some fishing lines out in the sea to find new fish. =)

heycal
11-01-2011, 07:36 AM
Can someone who has read the entire OP please summarise it in a single brief paragraph, so that the rest of us can provide insightful comments?

Thank you for saving me the trouble of posting this.

Couple barely has time together. The free time she does have she spends with her girlfriends or studying with her male lab partner. Boyfriend (OP's friend) wants strangers' opinions.

Thank you. Much appreciated.

No, there is absolute minimal time being spent together before she commutes home. when she is over for a very brief time, my friend (who wears his heart on his sleeve) isn't all in the mood to enjoy it. again, there are previous times in a given day that she chooses to be with the other guy, leaving my friend wondering if she'll come over or not when he has nothing to do. He wants to enjoy the little time theyre together, but he says he cant help but focus more on the fact that she doesnt even give him her spare time anymore, that the time they are together seems more like an obligation for her.

^^^
Autum Leaf, can you boil down this intimidating-looking paragraph into one short sentence as well?

Manus Domini
11-01-2011, 08:14 AM
In my non-expert opinion, I would agree with those that say she's just doing what a lot of girls naturally do: help those that confide problems to them. I think the gf believes your friend is overreacting and doesn't know he just wants her to spend more time with him.

Also, she might be working so much with this guy because he is really smart (albeit depressed) and he helps her keep her grades high. Is that a possibility?

Cindysphinx
11-01-2011, 09:09 AM
Your friend should take the relationship to a whole new level: Stalking.

hollywood9826
11-01-2011, 09:41 AM
I think we need to actually see what these people look like. That goes a long way in getting to the bottom of this story. If she looks like roseanne Barr nobody is gonna care except the guys that subscribe to plumpers magazine.

Speaking of getting to the bottom, the depressed wierd guy is getting deep into the bottom of your boys girl. He came in playing the card he needed help and somebody to change him. If there is one thing a broad likes to do it is change guys. So he is playing right along with it, while she plays with "IT".

dcdoorknob
11-01-2011, 09:56 AM
If she's not cheating on him - and he believes that she's not - why does he give half a damn what anyone else thinks? Is this about their relationship or his ego?

I tend to agree with this. If he really believes that she's not cheating, then it shouldn't matter what other people think, or what other strangers on the internet would hypothetically think. If he is completely convinced she isn't cheating, he should drop that angle entirely imo. It just confuses matters between the two of them (from her perspective, should she feel like she is being accused of something, or not? This is all like a half-accusation, except not really, but really she should stop even though he agrees she isn't cheating... etc). If cheating isn't a possibility for him then I'm not sure why he's bringing it up at all in any context.

He still is probably frustrated that she isn't choosing to spend any time with him, even when he has a choice. He should express this to her clearly. If she turns a deaf ear to this or thinks he is being unreasonable, then that in itself will speak volumes.

Of course, if he isn't completely sure that she isn't cheating, but is simply saying he is, and is using this angle to actually half-accuse her (while leaving himself non-committal on the surface since he isn't sure), then that's a whole different situation.

Power Player
11-01-2011, 10:27 AM
It's not cheating. The girl wants out and has lost interest in the BF. I doubt she is hooking up with the depressed guy. If she is, she is also a loser so no big loss.

r2473
11-01-2011, 04:53 PM
TT meets Jerry Springer.

I'm always surprised people are drawn to this stuff. Then I look at what populates the TV and much of it is just a variation on the Springer theme.

It's really amazing.

SoBad
11-01-2011, 07:27 PM
You sound like an expert in love therapy but the suggestion you provided to OP's friend is very truthful. Well, if that girl does not have a job, I would suggest the guy walk away from the relationship. If that girl does have a job, then it would be a different story. I did drank a bit while posting this message.

I wouldn’t call myself and expert, but I did a lot of work here on a difficult case a couple of years ago, where the girlfriend paid for organic steaks at a grocery checkout and the boyfriend broke up with her while some or all of the steaks paid for by the girlfriend remained with the boyfriend (freezer) at the time of the breakup.

And Adam, you bring up a great point here – if the guy depends on the girlfriend financially, why even complain about not spending time together. Keep her in the file as long as she shows up for the monthly check handover meetings.

SStrikerR
11-01-2011, 07:35 PM
I think that the stress caused by school has just put a sour feeling on the whole relationship, and the inability for both of them to be happy has damaged the feelings between them. I reallly don't think there's anything going on with the other guy besides she wants to genuinely take care of him (some girls do this) and if your friend acts jealous about it a lot, he will drive her away. I'm speaking from experience here. If he really loves her that much, he has to trust her. If he doesn't, guaranteed he will lose her. But then again, he has to think of the other side. Even if he does love her, is the relationship working? Are both sides happy? If not, they need to at the very least take a break, in order to prevent the relationship from ending on a bad note with no possibility of them getting back together in the future.

adamX012
11-01-2011, 08:38 PM
I wouldn’t call myself and expert, but I did a lot of work here on a difficult case a couple of years ago, where the girlfriend paid for organic steaks at a grocery checkout and the boyfriend broke up with her while some or all of the steaks paid for by the girlfriend remained with the boyfriend (freezer) at the time of the breakup.

And Adam, you bring up a great point here – if the guy depends on the girlfriend financially, why even complain about not spending time together. Keep her in the file as long as she shows up for the monthly check handover meetings.

Before commenting on your post, I just wanted to let know I am an inexperience person in relationship where I spend more time on studying and working when I was a full time student.

As for your question, I should say it's about man's eagle. That's all. If I were in a relationship again, I would try to spend more time understanding myself and work things out before accusing my girlfiend is not spending time with me (vice versa). I hope I explain your question. Goodnight

heycal
11-01-2011, 08:47 PM
I wouldn’t call myself and expert, but I did a lot of work here on a difficult case a couple of years ago, where the girlfriend paid for organic steaks at a grocery checkout and the boyfriend broke up with her while some or all of the steaks paid for by the girlfriend remained with the boyfriend (freezer) at the time of the breakup.

Ah, yes. The Case of The Frozen Steaks. A lot us earned our stripes on that one.

Talker
11-01-2011, 09:07 PM
No, there is absolute minimal time being spent together before she commutes home. when she is over for a very brief time, my friend (who wears his heart on his sleeve) isn't all in the mood to enjoy it. again, there are previous times in a given day that she chooses to be with the other guy, leaving my friend wondering if she'll come over or not when he has nothing to do. He wants to enjoy the little time theyre together, but he says he cant help but focus more on the fact that she doesnt even give him her spare time anymore, that the time they are together seems more like an obligation for her.

Yeah, and then the texting while she's supposed to be spending time with the BF.

Ask for an HIV test before things move on any further is my advice and good luck to your friend.

heycal
11-03-2011, 08:40 AM
I wouldn’t call myself and expert, but I did a lot of work here on a difficult case a couple of years ago, where the girlfriend paid for organic steaks at a grocery checkout and the boyfriend broke up with her while some or all of the steaks paid for by the girlfriend remained with the boyfriend (freezer) at the time of the breakup.

Since reading this post a couple of days ago, I've been haunted by the possibility that the roles may have been reversed, that it was actually he who had paid for the steaks and they were in her freezer...

goran_ace
11-03-2011, 10:52 AM
OP, first of all, your friend is overreacting, and that's not helping his cause any. So he's not in a good mood for the little time they are together. That won't exactly make her want to spend more time with him, and may be driving her to spend even more time with the other guy. Hes obviously tld you how he feels, but is she aware of his feelings - has he clearly told her about how he feels or is he just hoping she'll figure out why he's in a bad mood?

I don't think she's cheating on him, at least not in the way we normally think about cheating. She may have zero physical attraction to this other guy, but she has developed an emotional attachment to him. Two things that the other guy offers her that he can't are empathy and a feeling of being needed. As they are in the same field of study/research he can identify with what she goes through from a work/school perspective day to day on a level that your friend never can. As the other guy is a wounded/broken man, she might feel that he needs nurturing and it makes her feel needed/wanted. Maybe he listens to her talk about how she's frustrated with how her boyfriend is always in a rotten mood and she can't figure out why.

I think their relationship is on the rocks. He has trust issues and trust is the glue that holds relationships together. There might be communication issues as well. There doesn't seem to be much reason for them t ostay together. Because they've been together for x number of years isn't a good enough reason. Do they even enjoy each other's company anymore?

They need to set aside time to have a serious talk and figure out if they still have a connection, if their issues are something that can be worked out, or if they should go their separate ways. It's better to get everything out in the open now and see if there's hope of working it out before this tears them apart for good and one of them makes the decision to end it on their own without input from the other. Trust me on that one.

TheLambsheadrep
11-03-2011, 08:19 PM
Thanks for all the opinions guys, while its not great news for him, its helping in some ways. like i said before, its not necessarily that she is cheating, its the appearance that she is, bc she doesnt think anyone would see it that way. he says things are day to day, we'll see

SoBad
11-03-2011, 08:49 PM
Since reading this post a couple of days ago, I've been haunted by the possibility that the roles may have been reversed, that it was actually he who had paid for the steaks and they were in her freezer...

Now that you offer this alternative theory of the events, it actually makes a lot of sense, especially after all these years of continued reflection on the case that took a deep emotional toll on so many of us at the TTW community. Let us re-examine some of the key facts, as we remember them, unless someone has a link to the thread:

- the alleged woman delivered a forum post that accused her alleged ex-boyfriend of stealing steaks, among other alleged wrongdoing
- the woman resolutely refused to answer questions seeking to clarify or to challenge her allegations
- the community was denied the opportunity to hear the ex-boyfriend’s side of the story

Marsha admitted herself that the ex-boyfriend had performed work (e.g., fixing her microwave) which she failed to compensate, not long before the alleged purchase of the organic steaks. Her self-admitted failure to recognise the value of the work performed (vis-à-vis the value of the steaks that she claims she paid for) is indicative of poor judgment, poor character, and highly questionable credibility. It is only logical and reasonable to conclude at this point that this apparently mentally disturbed and unfortunate woman abused a good man, extorted payment for organic steaks on the false promise of sharing the steaks with the man when cooked, stored the steaks in her own freezer, demanded further favours from the man she was victimizing, and when the victim of her vicious acts refused to be a victim any longer, published her self-serving nefarious accusations on this public forum.

The true victims will no longer be silent. Don’t be afraid to confront your abuser. Don’t be afraid to say “no” when offered false promises in exchange for your steaks by a crazy woman at your local supermarket.

zapvor
11-03-2011, 11:22 PM
classic sobad!

Hot Sauce
11-04-2011, 04:14 AM
Ah you guys are so funny. This is entertaining.

Anyways, I think she's lost interest in your friend. It is clear because she barely has any free time and she doesn't want to spend it with him. And like albino said, he'll probably drive her away and into the other guy's arms. Seems like he's ****ed either way, if he tries to get her to stop seeing this guy then he seems controlling, and if he lets her be then it just makes it easier for the other guy.

That relationship is going downhill. I think he should break up with her to avoid the pain and suffering that will happen. If he fights for her and ends up pushing her into the other guy's arms, he'll hurt even more. If he gives her space, it will be agonizing watching her slowly drift away from him and towards the other guy.

goran_ace
11-04-2011, 08:24 AM
Thanks for all the opinions guys, while its not great news for him, its helping in some ways. like i said before, its not necessarily that she is cheating, its the appearance that she is, bc she doesnt think anyone would see it that way. he says things are day to day, we'll see

Best of luck to your friend.

Also, I want to clarify that I don't think it's over yet and they don't have to break up now, but they are not on the right course and if they don't do something to right the ship then it will lead to that

F-T-S
11-04-2011, 11:06 AM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-41ttrH5qFXA/TX1mm3-VIsI/AAAAAAAABMo/e5b5lgYEVPo/s1600/fail-hand-holding.jpg

Sorry, that's all I got.

SuperJimmy
11-04-2011, 11:35 AM
I think your friend needs to man up and clearly communicate with his GF what is bringing him down...the fact that everything else seems to get prioritized over him, and that all he wants is to spend quality time with her without any distractions. Don't act jealous, don't ask suspicious, just talk about what they once had and no longer exists. If she doesn't give, then sorry, as someone else mentioned, she's just not that into him.

adamX012
11-04-2011, 08:24 PM
Best of luck to your friend.
Also, I want to clarify that I don't think it's over yet and they don't have to break up now, but they are not on the right course and if they don't do something to right the ship then it will lead to that

I think your friend needs to man up and clearly communicate with his GF what is bringing him down...the fact that everything else seems to get prioritized over him, and that all he wants is to spend quality time with her without any distractions. Don't act jealous, don't ask suspicious, just talk about what they once had and no longer exists. If she doesn't give, then sorry, as someone else mentioned, she's just not that into him.

I am standing at your sides. Good solutions.

heycal
11-06-2011, 08:09 PM
Now that you offer this alternative theory of the events, it actually makes a lot of sense, especially after all these years of continued reflection on the case that took a deep emotional toll on so many of us at the TTW community. Let us re-examine some of the key facts, as we remember them, unless someone has a link to the thread:

- the alleged woman delivered a forum post that accused her alleged ex-boyfriend of stealing steaks, among other alleged wrongdoing
- the woman resolutely refused to answer questions seeking to clarify or to challenge her allegations
- the community was denied the opportunity to hear the ex-boyfriend’s side of the story

Marsha admitted herself that the ex-boyfriend had performed work (e.g., fixing her microwave) which she failed to compensate, not long before the alleged purchase of the organic steaks. Her self-admitted failure to recognise the value of the work performed (vis-à-vis the value of the steaks that she claims she paid for) is indicative of poor judgment, poor character, and highly questionable credibility. It is only logical and reasonable to conclude at this point that this apparently mentally disturbed and unfortunate woman abused a good man, extorted payment for organic steaks on the false promise of sharing the steaks with the man when cooked, stored the steaks in her own freezer, demanded further favours from the man she was victimizing, and when the victim of her vicious acts refused to be a victim any longer, published her self-serving nefarious accusations on this public forum.

Excellent post. But now I'm unsure again. Maybe she did paid for the steaks...

Hmm. Do you think we need to re-open the case?

adamX012
11-06-2011, 08:26 PM
Excellent post. But now I'm unsure again. Maybe she did paid for the steaks...

Hmm. Do you think we need to re-open the case?

Have some mercy on this thread.. Let it be...Don't get into a war of man or woman. I don't want to my memorable posts deleted again because of a flame war. You know what I mean, right?

still thinking of LA, pizza thread...my memorable comments.

Happy postings!

SoBad
11-10-2011, 07:37 PM
Excellent post. But now I'm unsure again. Maybe she did paid for the steaks...

Hmm. Do you think we need to re-open the case?

Thank you, but whether or not she paid for the steaks that she surely ate by herself later, I don’t see the need to re-open this case of a fraudulently false complaint from a lying thefty woman with a self-admitted history of abusing her boyfriends, whose uncorroborated deceitful self-serving post on this forum failed to withstand the rigor of scrutiny by the honourable forum panel. If we are serious about preserving the integrity of the process, we need to be vigilant about frivolous complaints and remain mindful of allocating the limited resources to those cases that rightfully merit consideration.

autumn_leaf
11-10-2011, 07:45 PM
^^^
Autum Leaf, can you boil down this intimidating-looking paragraph into one short sentence as well?

No prob.


No, there is absolute minimal time being spent together before she commutes home. when she is over for a very brief time, my friend (who wears his heart on his sleeve) isn't all in the mood to enjoy it. again, there are previous times in a given day that she chooses to be with the other guy, leaving my friend wondering if she'll come over or not when he has nothing to do. He wants to enjoy the little time theyre together, but he says he cant help but focus more on the fact that she doesnt even give him her spare time anymore, that the time they are together seems more like an obligation for her.

OP's friend feels like his gf only spends the minimal amount of time with him possible out of requirement of being in the relationship.

adamX012
11-12-2011, 06:57 PM
Thank you, but whether or not she paid for the steaks that she surely ate by herself later, I don’t see the need to re-open this case of a fraudulently false complaint from a lying thefty woman with a self-admitted history of abusing her boyfriends, whose uncorroborated deceitful self-serving post on this forum failed to withstand the rigor of scrutiny by the honourable forum panel. If we are serious about preserving the integrity of the process, we need to be vigilant about frivolous complaints and remain mindful of allocating the limited resources to those cases that rightfully merit consideration.

SOBAD, ya. You are kind of negative though. Is any woman troubing you in the past or afraid of facing to the woman you love? You claim honourable forum panel? Who are they? There is no such thing as a black and white story of life. It's all about gray. Sorry to ask, are you still in college?

NLBwell
11-16-2011, 12:02 AM
...the gist is that he feels that the guy is getting first priority and essentially being more of a boyfriend to her than he is.

Doesn't matter if she is cheating or not. He should leave now.
I spent a lot of years in a marriage where I was the last priority - unfortunately, this behavior didn't start until after we were married. He's been warned - get out now.