Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by wings56, Dec 7, 2005.
Post any funny joke you would like or anything else that may be funny, links are welcome too.
My town's so small, there's only 1 hooker. And she's a virgin!
Doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and I have worse news. You have AIDS. The patient says, what could be worse than AIDS? Doctor says, you have alzheimer's. The patient says, at least I don't have AIDS.
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, " Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "'Why Secret?"
The cowboy says,
"Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!"
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Everytime time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife finally decided she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night in the middle of hot, screaming wild sex, she got up and turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device.....a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than his real one.
She went completely nuts, screaming "YOU IMPOTENT *******!" She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly; "I'll explain the toy.....you explain the kids."
Maybe more later.
The Golfer and The Hitman
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.
Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"
"Your buddy got black hair?"
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve,
Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says,
"Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer."
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I
said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
those are pretty funny keep it up
sometimes I sit and think....and other times...I just sit
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed", she said. They ambled over to
the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it
117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before,
he guessed her correct weight, and Joe won a dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was
really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim
responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A man walks into the reception area of a Psychiatrists office, completely nude, but wrapped from head to toe in plastic wrap. There is a rather tense moment btwn the man and the receptionist. Finally the man says sheepishly "I think I have a problem". To which the receptionist replies: "Well I dont know what the Doc is going to say, but clearly I can see yer nuts"
-Yo mamma so dumb, she says she tripped over a cordless phone.
-What's the diffrence between an animal and a human? One's a human the other is an animal, it's quite obvious.
-What's the difference between a janitor and a NBA superstar? One gets a hell of a lot more money.
- Two blood thirsty vampires meet at night. They make a bet for who
would drink the most blood from a human,and decide to meet again in one hour. A hour has passed and one of the vampire's face is stained with blood. So the other vampire asks : " Wow man! you're a legend! How many necks man?" The other vampire responds :" I didn't get anybody, it was too dark for me,I couldn't see anyhing, so I hit a tree pretty hardly while running".
Your jokes are bad, your avatar sucks, whats NOT wrong with you!!!???
I know, my jokes are so terrible...I apologize for the disaster...now your avatar ain't much better...the blackhawks are a bunch of ***s.
Separate names with a comma.