How do you cope with the death of a great friend or parent, partner, child or sibling?

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Deleted member 733170

Guest
Please share your experiences where you feel it is appropriate.

Thank you.

Edit: mods please move to odds and ends. Apologies for posting in the wrong part of the forum.
 

TripleATeam

G.O.A.T.
I slow down. Focusing gets hard, but I absorb myself into whatever I do. I go through the motions of everyday life and give myself time to cope. Nothing really changes, but I slowly come to terms with it.
 

SpinToWin

Talk Tennis Guru
Can't really generalize, depends on the... Circumstances...

If I had to though... Remember the time we had together, fondly look back at the happy days, think about what could have been, and be thankful for the time we had and how it (may have) shaped me. People leave us but their time with us and thus what they left in us is not lost. I find that to be a solace.

I'll have to add though, one of these is clearly not like the other. The death of a child would be brutally traumatizing to say the least.
 
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TheMaestro1990

Hall of Fame
My father died when I was 8. I remember a few situations, but unfortunately I haven't got a lot of memories of him. I can't remember how his voice was like, how he moved, manners etc. Those are things I feel sorry for not remembering, not having a real opportunity to remember them. I was sad when it happened, but as an 8 year old, I think it was hard to grasp, to truly understand. I think somehow it was easier for me to overcome it because I have so few memories, but the older I get, the more I realize I would have liked to have memories of him all the way up to I became an adult at least, that they would have been something to cherish. That's the only death I have experienced, that was close to me.
 

chikoo

Hall of Fame
I slow down. Focusing gets hard, but I absorb myself into whatever I do. I go through the motions of everyday life and give myself time to cope. Nothing really changes, but I slowly come to terms with it.

quite the opposite for me. Things get clearer and I focus much better, and get some great things done in that time before it becomes the norm.
 

kabob

Hall of Fame
You don't. Over time you get used to living with the loss but you never shake it. A bit morbid but true of my own experiences. Good luck with it.

This is so very true.

Just this last year, my former girlfriend whom I was ready to marry was diagnosed with breast cancer, broke up with me in the most humiliating and infuriating fashion shortly thereafter, I lost my job and my mother was hospitalized. Last summer, my best friend of nearly two decades was hospitalized suddenly and passed away a week later. I've tried to cope as best as I can but I've had a few breakdowns along the way. I'm only now starting to feel like I've turned some kind of corner but I'm not totally back, either. It really is just taking time to pass for things to get better as I figure out ways to rebuild mentally.
 
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Deleted member 716271

Guest
Unfortunately, I've had too much experience with this. For me the best thing is to remember the good and not dwell on the bad. Accept it (easier said than done) and carry a part of them in your heart forever.

Sorrry to OP is he's going thru this or to anyone else. It gets better.
 

onehandbh

G.O.A.T.
Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship, which struggles on in the survivors, where the memories and pain seemingly never disappear, attenuating logrithmically toward zero.
 

Bagumbawalla

G.O.A.T.
This is actually a good question, unfortunately there is no good answer.
If you have suffered such a loss, my sympathies are with you.

In a way, a grieving person grieves because they have suffered a loss,
their own personal loss of a friend, a child, a companion, we grieve for them
In a way we do not for the millions of "strangers" who share the same fate.
In a way we grieve for ourselves.

Nothing is created or destroyed, but only changed in form, and so it is with death.
Douglas Hofstadter wrote several books, inspired by the death of his wife explaining
how every action, interaction, every expression of thought and personality,
permeates, the lives of others and becomes a part of the history of life.

I was just reading Mary Poppins, where in one chapter it is explained that we are all
of us derived from star stuff, stuff of the universe. Again, to die is to change one's form.

I am old now and have lived through many losses of life, ministers try to console the
living with promises, explainations of eternity- still we grieve, we suffer, hurt, feel a loss
that somehow seems cruel and unfair. Like a terrible injury, it takes time to heal.

 

Midaso240

Legend
Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship, which struggles on in the survivors, where the memories and pain seemingly never disappear, attenuating logrithmically toward zero.
Somehow this reminds me of the monolgue at the end of the 1997 movie The Sweet Hereafter:

"I wonder if you realize that all of us - Dolores, me, the children who survived, the children who didn't - that we're all citizens of a different town now. A town of people living in the sweet hereafter. "
 

Sudacafan

Bionic Poster
TEARS IN RAIN


I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.
 

Midaso240

Legend
TEARS IN RAIN


I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.
If I'm not mistaken, David Bowie borrowed some of this monologue in his tribute for his half brother who died in the 80s
 

Crocodile

G.O.A.T.
I think that it’s a time thing first, and then later you always know it’s there and happened but you become more accepting of it, because you can’t change the situation,
 

puppybutts

Hall of Fame
My perspective changed a little when I learned some cultures have a celebration of one's life when someone passes, rather than a depressing, all-black funeral.

Some people would wish their family or others dead. To miss someone dearly enough to need to learn how to cope with their loss is to be blessed knowing your life was filled with a beautiful presence.

You might never stop missing them, but that too is a gift they left you, a yearning for a connection and love you were lucky to know and can redirect to others still on this earth.
 

Pheasant

Legend
I just lost my dad. I buried myself in the tasks that needed to get done for him, which includes: cleaning out his apartment, setting up the funeral, cancelling his auto play, contacting social security, calling his employer’s pension line, making tons of calls while including all of his friends and family.

Note: always be sure to order enough death certificates. Also, always have a plan ahead of time if your loved one is ill. Being prepared helps. And if you know that the loved one is on borrowed time, make sure that you complete the “I wish that I would have” list before the loved one does pass so that you have zero regrets. Take that extra time off of work if you have to. Schedule fewer vacations. Also, have yourself a great cry. Cry out loudly, even if you need to do this privately. It helps a lot.

After the work is done, have gratitude. Be thankful that you got to enjoy the time with him/her. Reflect back on the good times. Be thankful that you were blessed by having that loved one in your life. And if possible, bond more with your family, or the people that all loved the lost one.

This has all worked great for me.
 
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Ronaldo

Bionic Poster
Just learn to be prepared as no one, I know or knew knows the time or place that ends us. Recall everyday losing control at 3:45pm of an auto in the rain and hitting a bridge abutment head-on. Spinned around, headed back to the same spot again. Took my hands off the wheel and accepted my fate. And the car stopped six inches from that spot. Think about this daily as my son was killed the same way one exit away.
 
My perspective changed a little when I learned some cultures have a celebration of one's life when someone passes, rather than a depressing, all-black funeral.

Some people would wish their family or others dead. To miss someone dearly enough to need to learn how to cope with their loss is to be blessed knowing your life was filled with a beautiful presence.

You might never stop missing them, but that too is a gift they left you, a yearning for a connection and love you were lucky to know and can redirect to others still on this earth.

Wonderful post.
 
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