I fell in love with a married woman.

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by ninman, Jul 1, 2012.

  1. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Ok, let me preface this story by saying that I did not know she was married.

    I saw this woman at work, she smiled at me and I just fell in love with her instantly. She just gave me a really, really strong feeling. From then on we'd say hi and smile whenever we saw each other.

    One day after work I saw her walking home by herself, so I ran up to her and started talking to her. We got on great, I really great. She invited me to dinner, and gave me every indication that she liked me a lot.

    For example, she told me she could hear me singing in my office, and thought it was cute, she thinks I'm handsome and extremely attractive and lots of other similar compliments.

    I told her about my favourite movie ever called Life is Beautiful, in it the main character Guido falls in love with a woman at first sight and calls her "Princess" because he joked with children that he was a Prince then she fell out of a window and caught her.

    That night online I told her I had found my princess, but she thought I was talking about someone else. Then she said "you, her, my husband and I should get together and the 4 of us can have dinner".

    When I read that I was crushed, totally. Now I just feel the deepest darkest despair. I'm not sure what to do. I mean she even liked it when I started imparting all of my tennis knowledge to her, and she also told me she likes to play tennis.

    It's going to take me a long time to get over this one, but I just don't understand why I have such horrible luck.
     
  2. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    No No, ninman. Let me be absolutely blunt for your benefit. No crap.

    It will not take you a long time to get over this. You think this. Don't make a drama out of this. If you do, then it will take forever.
    It's good you have been honest about this. YOU DO NOT LOVE HER. This is just some infatuation. Your mind is making it up. You are just pretending you have some insufficiency and she can complete it. IT WILL NOT LAST.

    Please do not cheat yourself by thinking this is love. You will ruin several years of your life thinking you love her, and you cannot get over it, and life has been unfair etc etc.

    Be honest with yourself if you want to be happy. Don't betray yourself with all this nonsense that you've picked up from movies and books and peers -- about falling in love, and finding the perfect partner, and being devastated and being jilted and all that.
     
  3. Mister drool

    Mister drool Rookie

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    that is uhn... that is a bummer dude.
    i guess a boken heart is worse than a broken string hm...
    in a years time you wont mind so much, but until then take it easy and go have a drink with your friends
     
  4. El Diablo

    El Diablo Hall of Fame

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    As noted, this is not love but an enfatuation, an enchantment. Your misfortune may not be what you call your bad luck but rather some lack of maturity. Love develops, it does not smack you in the face the moment you meet someone -- that 's a sign of your own neediness. You will NOT have trouble getting over this, particularly when you come across someone else you are attracted to. Satisfy your need for excitement in your life by taking out some demos -- it works for TripleB every year!!
     
  5. The Bawss

    The Bawss Banned

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    This is truth.
     
  6. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    I should add that I live in China and she's Chinese. When I talked to her she told me her ambition is to work for a bank in China, when she said that I got this horrible feeling that things wouldn't work out.

    I have no plans to stay in China indefinitely, it's just temporary, I really want to move to Taiwan at some point in the future.

    Yeah I think I've watched too many movies about romance and falling in love etc, perhaps a little brainwashed, but yeah I did feel pretty down for a while.
     
  7. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for the advice guys, I feel better already. Frustrating thing is she's perhaps a little overly friendly, she said I'm "family" and we can be very close friends etc.
     
  8. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    ninman, maybe we all go through such a phase in our life, and some of us grow out of it. I know a lot of people who do not, they just go from one "love affair" to another each time thinking this is the perfect one. Each time they waste several years of their life and blame the other person.

    Anyway, I assume you are quite lonely there and don't have many friends. Just log in here, and have a good time with us. Just because we are "digital" or "cyber" does not mean we aren't real people.

    I went through many such relationships in my late teens and early twenties. Thankfully I am out of it but it's painful to see others getting trapped into this "false promise" the mind makes of someone else giving you "heaven".

    If you send me an email, using my profile I can share a couple of things with you which can make a world of a difference.

    Take care, Senti.
     
  9. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Thanks I really appreciate it, I just need to ask, how are you supposed to meet somebody?
     
  10. JLDN

    JLDN New User

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    Excellent post, excellent advice. Well done indeed.
     
  11. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Hey I updated my profile so you can email me with those things you wanted to share Sentinel. I'd really appreciate it thanks a lot.

    Fraser
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  12. Mister drool

    Mister drool Rookie

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    Well i do believe that a man and a woman can actually be friends WITHOUT the sexual or love tension between them. Some call this the friendzone (fear), but anyway, I have a friend that is actually some sort of specialist in bang*ng married women… he is a great kid, but he always finds himself in the MOST awkward situations, and believe you me, you do not want to be in one of those!
    Like I said, you got friends, you should go out, have a laugh about this in a month time or so, you will feel better
    Right now it can be though, but we tennis players are tough guys, I mean, we watch boring nadal games (sorry rafa) and endure it like champs, you can survive anything!!

    If times get rough, go out and run 5km, you will feel better… I mean tired….


    And better
     
  13. tistrapukcipeht

    tistrapukcipeht Professional

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    Interesting subject, what you have is a crush, that feels like it is love but it isn't as soon as you find somebody attractive who treats you how you like, gives you attention enough how you want, you'll have another crush that can become love.

    As far as you described, she is attracted to you, but she is married, so don't waste your time and effort on that, that are millions of girls out there that can make your head spin in all directions.

    You need to meet single ones that you like, remember attraction can be triggered as well, it's not only pre-set .
     
  14. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    I've sent you a longish email. Hope it makes sense :) and doesn't contain too much in too small a space.
     
  15. Bartelby

    Bartelby G.O.A.T.

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    This was love, ninman, albeit erotic love, which lasts about two years according to research and then follows the love based on friendship often mistakenly referred to as love itself whereas erotic love is seen as infatuation.

    She didn't think you were talking about someone else, she just pretended such so that she could tell you she's married. I think she wants you, but peril awaits.
     
  16. OldFedIsOld

    OldFedIsOld Professional

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    Angry homicidal husband or crazy nymphomaniac woman, pick your poison. :(

    As Admiral Akbar says: "It's a trap!!!" There are a lot more fish out in the sea OP.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  17. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    ^^^^ This +1.

    Too many exchanges before the "oh btw, I'm married" came out of her mouth, yes her mouth, a mouth capable of ..... *cue: dreamy harp arpeggios ......


    She's married? Run for the hills. Totally off-limits.
     
  18. SwankPeRFection

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    Is she older than you or seem more independant than most women your age? If so, than it's not uncommon for these types of women to invite men to dinner and compliment them innocently. Those things don't mean they want a relationship with you beyond friends. After all, you can compliment your friends right?

    Do the right thing, leave it at that. Have respect for her husband.... even if this isn't what I said above and she doesn't. If a woman is married or involved and she wants to start another relationship that goes beyond friends, then she should break it off with her previous involvement first.
     
  19. SFrazeur

    SFrazeur Legend

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    The Odds & Ends section has fallen to a new low.

    -SF
     
  20. Larrysümmers

    Larrysümmers Hall of Fame

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    well dont stop. keep going until you have her in the sack. dont commit to her because she'd probably cheat on you as well. another thing. dont put all of your emotional eggs in one basket. you will get crushed
     
  21. Mick

    Mick Legend

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    some years ago, i worked at this company and these guys were flirting with this one woman at lunch time. After she left, I asked the guys, "you know she's married, right?" and one of them responded, "Sure. We only like married women." :shock:
     
  22. Fugazi

    Fugazi Professional

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    If you can find a way to tell/write her that you're uncomfortable being her friend because you have other feelings for her, I believe it could help either distance yourself from all this suffering or, in the best scenario, it could lead her to express her true feelings for you (whatever they are).
     
  23. Talker

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    What a bad situation.
    She may want to have a fling but it's your time that's being wasted.
    I wouldn't want that kind of relationship, too many perceived bad things can happen and you'll probably feel miserable much of the time.

    Better to find something that will have a better possible conclusion.



    I suspect this is most probable.
     
  24. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    She's about 4 years younger than me actually, doing a masters degree. I should point out that I have a PhD and am a lecturer so in a way I'm kind of her "superior".

    She definitely gave me the impression that she was very seriously into me. I should say I have Asperger's so I may be misinterpreting her actions, but I said to her (this was way before she mentioned she was married btw) "would you like to come around to my house for dinner, I can cook for you?" and she gave me a huge grin and said "yes".

    I did think maybe she had a bf before I talked to her, but I wasn't sure. I saw her hanging out with this guy sometimes, like they would leave together to go to classes or something. But my friends told me that based on the way she was looking at me and how she reacted when she saw me that she was probably single.

    Yeah kind of gutted, but life goes on. I do feel a bit more confident about myself though. I never used to think of myself at being attractive, so if one person finds me attractive then other people will, so it was a good thing in that respect. But yeah I certainly won't be going beyond friends with her that's for sure, I just see no good that can come from it.
     
  25. MarinaHighTennis

    MarinaHighTennis Professional

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    Its actually a good thing you know shes married so you can stop each other. You can get into a world of trouble and you should tell her to be faithful to her husband if she likes you that certain way.

    @Sentinel: Bravo *applause* good advice
     
  26. PrinceMoron

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    I fell for a PDRGT+ but it was just a crazy infatuation, great fun while it lasted, I knew it would do me no good in the end.
     
  27. soyizgood

    soyizgood G.O.A.T.

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    OP, I understand finding a woman is hard anywhere, especially in China given the male-female ratio there. I don't pretend to be an expert on relationships because I am not. That said, there are plenty of women to choose from. You'll need to be selective yet realistic.

    I lusted over a woman for 3 years. She would give me a wink and I always bit the bait. Unfortunately, she did the same thing to multiple guys (one took a knife and threatened to kill himself in front of her and her sister, another told her he would kill me if I was still in the mix, another guy wanted her to swear to him she wouldn't see me again.. she saw me again anyway) and in the end many of these guys had their hearts broken. She would give me signs that she really liked me, but that she also wasn't sure if she could love a man. She lied to me saying she dumped all of these guys just to get me to see her again. After I saw her last time, I concluded she's lovely on the outside, but loveless (selfish/confused/eager to just have a baby regardless of the man) on the inside. Last time I checked she was with a guy almost 20 years older than her and he was divorced 3 times with 4 kids. Believe me, I am a much better catch than that. In fact, I met my eventual fiancee shortly after I last saw her.

    Good thing you are opting to move on. 2nd chances almost never work out anyway. Once you're in the "friend zone", it's a zone of pure misery for the guy who wants more.

    You need to be proud of who you are both on the inside and outside. Women can sense a man with confidence. Well, the good intuitive ones anyway. One woman's garbage is another woman's treasure. Good luck playing this game. Frustrating, but rewarding when you play it with a woman that goes by the same rules.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  28. acura9927

    acura9927 Semi-Pro

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    Dude, women from the big cities in China will own you. They learn how to con at age 8.
     
  29. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Ok, the thing is her office is right next to mine, literally, so I'm kind of forced to see her every day. Now she considers me a friend she'll no doubt be dropping in every now and then to talk to me or invite me somewhere.

    So I'm just going to have to deal with these feelings, good or bad and live with my situation. I don't think she did anything wrong, and I can't be cruel to people and cut them off for no reason, just not my nature.
     
  30. Larrysümmers

    Larrysümmers Hall of Fame

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    make it clear that she is in the 'friend zone' and that you arent interested. if she still wants then it will be even more evident and you should act upon that. women need men to want them.
     
  31. decades

    decades Guest

    you drove her away by going on and on about the Nadal Federer rivalry. that'll teach yahh not to talk shop.
     
  32. El Diablo

    El Diablo Hall of Fame

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    Be aware that if you are in fact her "superior" in an organization, then you're inviting not only emotional but legal turmoil if you have any involvement with her (and everything you've written suggests she's just emotionally unstable enough to cause you problems)
     
  33. Wolfman Jack

    Wolfman Jack Banned

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    You cannot feel like you have found the one unless there is some reciprocity (which in this case obviously there wasn't.)

    Love, as any human emotion, is (at least in part) highly illogical.

    My advice: Do not entertain any more thoughts in your mind about this woman. The same you fell in love you can fall out of it. Nothing good can come out of it, and it is immoral to pursue this.
     
  34. Tmano

    Tmano Professional

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    Well if this can make you feel better I'm pretty much in the same situation but I'm the one married. We both work in the same place and she is really attracted to me (she told me) as I'm to her but because she a much better person than me she resists even thought she wants it. Some time you can't get what you want but at least you can try to make it become real but it takes consequences.
    Time heals but some time leaves scars.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  35. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    I'm more like Niles Crane from Frasier. As attracted as he was to Daphne, when she was with someone he never made a move on her. I'm the same, while she's married I will just be her friend and nothing more. If she's happy I have no right to interfere, and besides we barely no each other, so it's not worth it.
     
  36. Larrysümmers

    Larrysümmers Hall of Fame

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    see this is why i dont believe in monogamy. lol
     
  37. Agent Orynge

    Agent Orynge Professional

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    Poor grammar notwithstanding, this says it all. This should be a FML post so we could all click 'you deserved it.'
     
  38. atatu

    atatu Hall of Fame

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    Yeah, you're going to suffer for awhile, but eventually you'll get over it, but it may not happen until you move away.
     
  39. Bobby Jr

    Bobby Jr Legend

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    Are you Chinese?

    If not, it was never going to happen if she was from a remotely traditional family. Many Chinese (and Japanese, and Thai and Malaysian for that matter etc) would go out with a foreigner no problems but when it comes time to get serious the vast majority invariably turn to their own people.

    This is how things roll sometimes... I'm sure you'll get over it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  40. r2473

    r2473 Legend

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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfr6jmJOGA8

    Me and Mrs.Jones
    We got a thing goin'on
    We both know that it's wrong
    But it's much too strong
    To let it go now

    We meet every day at the same cafe
    Six-thirty and no one knows she'll be there
    Holding hands, making all kinds of plans
    While the juke box plays our favorite songs

    Me and Mrs.Jones
    We got a thing goin'on
    We both know that it's wrong
    But it's much too strong
    To let it go now

    We gotta be extra careful
    That do we don't build our hopes up too high
    Because she's got her own obligations
    And so, and so, do I

    Me and Mrs.Jones
    We got a thing goin'on
    We both know that it's wrong
    But it's much too strong
    To let it go now

    Well, it's time for us to be leaving
    It hurts so much, it hurts so much inside
    Now she'll go her way snd I'll go mine
    Tomorrow we'll meet
    The same pklace, the same time

    Me and Mrs.Jones
    We got a thing goin'on
    We both know that it's wrong
    But it's much too strong
    To let it go now
     
  41. soyizgood

    soyizgood G.O.A.T.

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    So has the definition of love become so watered down? OP had a big crush on her. An infatuation. He lusted for her. Nothing wrong with that. It's just lust =/= love.

    OP should be fine. Unless you somehow found love at first sight, this dejection happens to most of us, men and women. Just keep your head up. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4go5eKroNUI
     
  42. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    I deserved it because I made a typo? I actually submitted it to FML, it was rejected.
     
  43. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    No I just live here, and yes I've experienced that a lot too.
     
  44. Agent Orynge

    Agent Orynge Professional

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    No, you deserved it because you don't know her. I don't know Kate Upton, what's my excuse for being in love with her?
     
  45. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    You can't control who you're attracted to, she seemed to return my affections so I thought why not? What I did was totally normal behaviour, if I didn't talk to everybody that I didn't know then I would never talk to anyone.
     
  46. acura9927

    acura9927 Semi-Pro

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    Well maybe it the novelty thing, a lot of Chinese woman want to taste a different dish if you get my drift. Being a white guy in China has many benefits.
     
  47. Agent Orynge

    Agent Orynge Professional

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    I think you need to start back at post #2 and re-read this whole thread. Nobody's telling you not to talk to people, they're just telling you not to 'fall in love' everytime you shake hands with someone. Oh god... you're not falling in love with me right now, are you?
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  48. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Delete post.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2012
  49. Agent Orynge

    Agent Orynge Professional

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    Whoa whoa whoa buddy, you're going to get your own thread closed talking like that! What the hell does your research field have to do with anything? What does my nationality have to do with anything? High horse sure, but I can't believe you called me ignorant... sheesh. You're the one who doesn't even know what love is.
     
  50. ninman

    ninman Hall of Fame

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    Anyway thanks a lot for the advice guys, well the good advice, I know what I'm going to do now.
     

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