Jokes

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Lleyton Hewitt, Aug 7, 2006.

  1. Lleyton Hewitt

    Lleyton Hewitt Professional

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    I'm bored so i decided to make a jokes page....only the short ones plz no big ones :D i'll get us started of haha lol :D

    Always bring 2 pairs of pants to golf - why - incase u get a hole in one
     
    #1
  2. westside

    westside Hall of Fame

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    What did one eye say to the other?..........don't look now, but something between us smells!!!!

    Bah dum chh
     
    #2
  3. Breaker

    Breaker Legend

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    You want a joke? Look in the mirror.

    ohhhhhhhhh dissed! :mrgreen:
     
    #3
  4. Tikiman53

    Tikiman53 Semi-Pro

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    Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
    He was looking for Pooh.

    I know, old. :)
     
    #4
  5. shrakkie

    shrakkie Semi-Pro

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    whats the bigest banana in the world?a big banana!

    (dont ask i was bored one day when i was like 4 years old and made that one up!!!haha!) :)
     
    #5
  6. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    Here are some bad ones....

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
    you put it in the microwave until its bill withers


    What do fat girls do in the summertime?
    stink


    What's brown and found in diapers?
    Michael Jackson's hand


    What's white and found in diapers?
    Michael Jackson's hand


    Why do Scotsman wear kilts?
    because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away


    What do you get when you have a midget psychic 'on the lamb'?
    a small medium at large


    What you get when you have an agnostic, deslexic insomniac?
    a person who stays up all night wondering if they have a dog


    Why is Halloween the favorite holiday of Hillbillies?
    because they like to pump kin
     
    #6
  7. anirut

    anirut Legend

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    Lovers' have Valentines' Day. What day does a lonely man have?
    - Palm Sunday -

    Why do elephants have four feet?
    - It would be rediculous if they had eight inches -
     
    #7
  8. Freedom

    Freedom Professional

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    What's brown and sticky?
    A stick
     
    #8
  9. Manda_D

    Manda_D Rookie

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    heres some.. umm.. adult fairytales.. haha

    CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
    Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
    "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
    "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
    He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
    Tell me his name!"
    Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
    Peter, Peter, the something eater."
    ___________________________________________

    PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
    Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
    A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
    Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
    _____________________________________________

    MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
    Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king
    Goofy."
    ___________________________________________

    Did you know..Captain Hook died from jock itch.
    ____________________________________________

    One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
    She explained to him what sex was and he said,
    "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
    Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
    you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
    "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
     
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  10. Duzza

    Duzza Legend

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    There's a lady, and she goes into a supermarket. At the checkout the Cashier realises she has bought a single person frozen meal. The cashier says "Are you single by any chance?", the lady replies "YES! I am! How'd you know?" Cashier: "Oh, coz ya fu**ing ugly"
     
    #10
  11. anirut

    anirut Legend

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    This one I read off Reader's Digest ages ago ...

    An engineer died was sent to hell by accident. It seemed the computer that dealt with the deceased went down at the moment of his death.

    Once this guy was admitted to hell, he found it to be a very unpleasant place and began to "modernized" the place with air-con, escalators, etc., making hell a very comfortable place.

    Time passed and one day God visted hell to see how sinners were suffering. God was surprised to find that hell turned into a very comfortable place. He asked Lucifer, "Hey, what's going on here?"

    "Well, an engineer's here. He didn't like it the way it was and modernized it."

    "An engineer?" God wondered. "Engineers are to be in heaven. Send him back immediately."

    "But hell is eternity. Once in hell, in hell forever ain't it?" Lucifer protested.

    "Send him back to heaven NOW! Or I'll sue!" God commanded.

    "Sue?" Lucifer asked smilingly. "WHERE ARE YOUR LAWYERS?"
     
    #11
  12. shrakkie

    shrakkie Semi-Pro

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    whats pink and fluffy?pink fluff

    whats blue and fluffy?pink fluff holding its breath!:)
     
    #12
  13. shrakkie

    shrakkie Semi-Pro

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    a blonde women goes to a store and asks if she can buy a tv.the manager refuses and explains he will not serve blondes.the blonde then goes and changes her hair colour to brown and goes back in to the store and points at the tv she would like to purchase.the manager says again he will not sell it to her as she is blonde.she protests and says that she has brown hair so how could he know really she is a blonde?he turns around at the item and says i know because ur pointing at a microwave!l:)
     
    #13
  14. looseswing

    looseswing Professional

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    Here is an old blonde one:

    A blonde goes on a tv show in front of a lot of other blondes to prove for once and all that blondes are not stupid. The TV show host says "if you get this easy math problem right then it will prove that blondes are not stupid. What is 12 + 13?"

    The blonde thinks for a moment and says "39?" The host says "Nope," but then the blonde crowd yells "give her another chance"

    The host decides that that is fair and asks her "what is 10 +11?"

    The blonde thinks for a moment and says "24?" The blonde crowd goes "give her another chance," once again so the host does it.

    Then the host says "alright this one is really easy, if you get this one right it will prove that blondes are not stupid. What is 2 + 3?"

    The blonde thinks for a moment and says "5?" The blonde crowd goes "give her another chance"

    LOL
     
    #14
  15. TokyopunK

    TokyopunK Professional

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    Guys I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself......
     
    #15
  16. anirut

    anirut Legend

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    OK, just got this in from my customer:


    Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

    A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.



    Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?

    A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.
     
    #16
  17. Freedom

    Freedom Professional

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    What is this from? I have 2 people on my MSN that have that as their comment...
     
    #17
  18. LONGWHITECROSS

    LONGWHITECROSS New User

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    whats the differance between a gay guy and a microwave?


    The microwave doesnt brown ur meat
     
    #18
  19. tennus

    tennus Rookie

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    My 13yr old gives me this one:

    There's a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They are asked "What would you take with you to help you survive in the desert ? The rehead says a bottle of water, the brunette says some food and the blonde said a car door. A car door ? How is that going to help ? The blonde says "Well if it gets too hot we can wind the window down". :)
     
    #19
  20. anirut

    anirut Legend

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    Another blonde joke from my customer ...

    It was a blonde's first flight in her life and it happened to be a Boeing 747. Once she boarded the plane, to her enjoyment but to other's disgust , she started jumping on the seat shouting "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!"

    She got so noisy that it disturbed the pilots doing their pre-flight routines. The co-pilot couldn't stand it any longer, got out of the cockpit and shouted at her,

    "BE SILENT!"

    She quiet down, startled. After a couple of seconds later she did the same again, this time shouting,

    "Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!"
     
    #20
  21. brownbearfalling

    brownbearfalling Hall of Fame

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    Hydrogen and Oxygen were having a drink, Gold walked by and they said to him "aye you" (Au).
    ________
    FIX PS3
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2011
    #21
  22. Watcher

    Watcher Semi-Pro

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    Sorry man, but all of my good jokes are long. Let's see...

    A little boy went up to his father and said,

    "Dad, I heard a new word on TV. Politics. What does it mean?"
    "Well, let me see here," the dad said. "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so I'll represent Capitalism. Your mother will be The Government. We're hear for your needs, so you're The People. Your baby sister is The Future, and your baby sitter will be The Working Class. Think about that and see if it makes sense."

    The boy went off to bed.

    He couldn't sleep that night, so he walked around the house. He went into his baby sister's room and found his sister in a soiled diaper. In his parent's room, his mother was sleeping. The guest room was locked. He peeked in through the keyhole and his father was in bed with the baby sitter. He gave up and went back to bed.

    The next day he went up to his father and said that he thought he'd figured it out.
    "Okay son, in your own words, what does politics mean?" The father asked.

    The boy responded:

    "Well, while Capitalism ****s The Working Class, The Government is sound asleep, The People are ignored, and The Future is in deep ****."
     
    #22
  23. AUGUSTA

    AUGUSTA New User

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    When I was a kid my family was so poor my father drove a 1974 Big Wheel.
     
    #23
  24. TENNIS_IS_FUN

    TENNIS_IS_FUN Professional

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    Why was the girl blonde's belly button damaged?

    -Because the guy was also a blonde.
     
    #24

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