Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    I recently saw a thread about how many threads does it take to change a lightbulb, so this gave me this idea...made me think of the joke: how many aggies does it take to change a lightbulb? 3. one to hold the lightbulb and 2 to turn the ladder. also another aggie joke: why can't aggies make bbq beans? they keep falling through the grill.

    ok: some yo mama jokes: yo mama is so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out...yo mama is so poor i went over to her house and 2 mice tripped me and a rat stole my wallet.

    also i heard this joke yesterday in my finite math class: a prof walked in and asked: do any of your students text message during class? if so...they should practice safe text.

    well...just wondering what kinda jokes you guys can come up with.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2007
    #1
  2. 10s talk

    10s talk Semi-Pro

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2007
    Messages:
    579
    what do you call a deer with no eyes ?



    no idea........ or no eye deer



    What do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs ?



    STILL no eye deer
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2013
    #2
  3. Feña14

    Feña14 Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2004
    Messages:
    5,432
    Location:
    England
    What do you call an angry French insect?

    A cross-ant!!

    Why did the scarecrow win an award? ….. Because he was outstanding in his field!

    I’ve got a sponge front door, hey, don’t knock it!
     
    #3
  4. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    the first 2 are funny..but what does the 3rd one mean?
     
    #4
  5. tbini87

    tbini87 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2007
    Messages:
    2,543
    Location:
    Chico, CA
    a woman walks into a grocery store to do her shopping for the week. she buys foods that are typical of a single lady such as: yogurt, frozen pizzas, tv dinners, bagels, etc. she gets into the checkout line, and a cute guy walks up behind her. the man says "excuse me miss, but do you happen to be single?"
    she replies "why yes, how did you know?"

























    he says "because you are ugly"...
     
    #5
  6. hoons

    hoons New User

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2007
    Messages:
    80
    classic.

    Why are women like lava lamps?

    Because they're fun to look at but not very bright

    ....surprisingly i'm not single
     
    #6
  7. 35ft6

    35ft6 Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Messages:
    6,557
    Yo mamma is so fat she has trouble finding affordable clothes that fit her properly.
     
    #7
  8. Loco4Tennis

    Loco4Tennis Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2007
    Messages:
    1,814
    Location:
    Manassas, Virginia
    your mama's so fat: when she sits down in a crowded room she's sitting next to EVERYBODY!
     
    #8
  9. Federer's pet goat Leanne

    Federer's pet goat Leanne Banned

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2007
    Messages:
    189
    Location:
    Iceland
    what time is it, when an elephant sits on your watch?
     
    #9
  10. Loco4Tennis

    Loco4Tennis Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2007
    Messages:
    1,814
    Location:
    Manassas, Virginia
    well, if my calculations are correct, its time to get anew watch :)
     
    #10
  11. Loco4Tennis

    Loco4Tennis Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2007
    Messages:
    1,814
    Location:
    Manassas, Virginia
    umm, i just got to tell you, i wouldn't roll into the apollo-theater with this joke, yu might just get the booot,, just saying :shock:
     
    #11
  12. 35201

    35201 Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    132
    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
     
    #12
  13. 35ft6

    35ft6 Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Messages:
    6,557
    Yo mamma is such a good cook that whenever she throws a dinner party there's always a good turnout.
     
    #13
  14. 35201

    35201 Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    132
    Ha-ha, these really made me giggle.
     
    #14
  15. 35201

    35201 Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    132
    Lol, mistyped.
     
    #15
  16. Punisha

    Punisha Professional

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Messages:
    823
    a dog walks into a bar... ouch
     
    #16
  17. 35ft6

    35ft6 Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Messages:
    6,557
    Yo mama is so stupid that although she was accepted by Cornell and Brown, she was turned down by Yale and Princeton.
     
    #17
  18. StealthGnome

    StealthGnome Semi-Pro

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2006
    Messages:
    614
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Good one!!
     
    #18
  19. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    lol, i think u should change yale to harvard as George Bush was accepted into Yale
     
    #19
  20. Punisha

    Punisha Professional

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Messages:
    823
    a polar bear walks into a bar... he says to the bar tender

    "Ill have a rum.......................................................................................................................................... and cola"

    To this the bar tender replies

    "Why the big pause?"

    and the polar bear says

    "I was born with them"
     
    #20
  21. Freedom

    Freedom Professional

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,205
    Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    - Right where you left it.

    Does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac stay up all night wondering if there's a dog?
     
    #21
  22. Punisha

    Punisha Professional

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Messages:
    823
    My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

    Then she told me to take off her skirt.

    Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
     
    #22
  23. Punisha

    Punisha Professional

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Messages:
    823
    A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

    The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

    The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

    "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

    The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

    The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
     
    #23
  24. Punisha

    Punisha Professional

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Messages:
    823
    A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

    They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

    The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

    "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

    The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

    "Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

    The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

    The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

    The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

    The husband and wife agreed.

    After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

    To which she responded, "Three years."

    The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

    To which she replied, "31 years old."

    The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
     
    #24
  25. Punisha

    Punisha Professional

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Messages:
    823
    and heres a tennis joke



    One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the walk.

    Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

    Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

    "So what do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

    "Two Tennis balls,” the man said smiling back.

    "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
     
    #25
  26. OrangeOne

    OrangeOne Legend

    Joined:
    May 31, 2006
    Messages:
    6,295
    Yo-yo ma is a very good cellist.
     
    #26
  27. 35201

    35201 Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    132
    A Panda Bear walks into a caf� and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

    The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

    At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
    'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'
     
    #27
  28. Loco4Tennis

    Loco4Tennis Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2007
    Messages:
    1,814
    Location:
    Manassas, Virginia
    let see if you all can asnwer this one, and lets pray i dont get botted out when i give the answer :)

    Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps??
     
    #28
  29. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2007
    Messages:
    12,331
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    ^^^ So they don't whistle on the way down.

    J
     
    #29
  30. Loco4Tennis

    Loco4Tennis Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2007
    Messages:
    1,814
    Location:
    Manassas, Virginia
    dam, that was quick, someone give this man a cookie,, or,, if you catch the female paratrooper before she hits the ground and gets away, shes's yours :)
     
    #30
  31. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    A Blonde is strapped for cash so she goes door to door in a neighborhood asking people if they have any odd jobs she can do for money.

    She knocks on a door and the man answers. She asks him if he needs any jobs done around the house. He replies, "yes i want you to paint my porch." He asks the blonde how much she wanted to paint it? she says $40. He says that's great! so he tells his wife, guess what i've got this dumb blonde painting our porch for $40, lol.

    5 min later she knocks on the door...the man was wondering to himself how she finished it so fast... She says "I'm all done painting your porch...And by the way, it's not a Porch, its a Lexus."
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2007
    #31
  32. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    lol, very clever and unexpected
     
    #32
  33. 35201

    35201 Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    132
    The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

    Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

    The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

    A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

    "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

    So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

    "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!
     
    #33
  34. 35201

    35201 Rookie

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    132
    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

    "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

    The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
     
    #34
  35. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    ^^^post more jokes, post more jokes, :p, these are great! the tour bus one was sick
     
    #35
  36. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    Yo mama is so poor she went to Mcdonalds and asked to put a small french fry on layaway.
     
    #36
  37. 35ft6

    35ft6 Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Messages:
    6,557
    Yo mama is so poor that she works two jobs to provide for you and your sister.
     
    #37
  38. Loco4Tennis

    Loco4Tennis Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2007
    Messages:
    1,814
    Location:
    Manassas, Virginia
    your house is so small, you have to go outside to eat a large pizza.
    or
    your house is so small, you have to go outside to chnage your mind.
     
    #38
  39. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    Yo mama is so poor, i went over to her house and when i walked in through the front door, 2 mice tripped me and a rat stole my wallet
     
    #39
  40. CanadianChic

    CanadianChic Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2006
    Messages:
    2,302
    Location:
    CowTown
    A friend just sent me this so I thought I'd share:


    Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

    The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



    Rick has been missing since Friday.
     
    #40
  41. lilxjohnyy

    lilxjohnyy Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2007
    Messages:
    1,759
    Location:
    Somewhere Over the Rainbow
    ^^ haha i get it ... its funny
     
    #41
  42. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    How did the blonde hurt herself raking leaves?





    She fell out of the tree


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

    The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
    Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

    Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
    The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

    She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

    He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    2 blondes were sitting under the stars looking at the moon, one blonde said which is further from where we are: the Moon or Miami. the other blonde said, thats easy, the Moon...Can you see Miami?


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

    One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

    In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

    The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

    But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2007
    #42
  43. Zets147

    Zets147 Banned

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Messages:
    1,744
    For decades, two statues of lovers, one male and one female,

    faced each other in a city park. They are both holding out their hands out to

    each other, but they are not touching.


    Until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

    "You`ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,

    "that I`m going to give you a special gift. I`m going to

    bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can

    do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the

    angel brought the statues to life.


    The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed

    for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of

    giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen

    minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes,

    wide grins on their faces.


    "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel,

    winking knowingly.


    Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the

    male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the

    pigeon down and I`LL **** on its head."
     
    #43
  44. Rickson

    Rickson G.O.A.T.

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2004
    Messages:
    12,740
    Location:
    USA
    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account. "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
     
    #44
  45. Teh_pwnerer

    Teh_pwnerer Semi-Pro

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2007
    Messages:
    533
    what do you call a black pilot..

    (answer)
     
    #45
  46. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    ^^^A pilot, you racist
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2007
    #46
  47. Teh_pwnerer

    Teh_pwnerer Semi-Pro

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2007
    Messages:
    533
    lol i was supposed to say that:twisted:
     
    #47
  48. 35ft6

    35ft6 Legend

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Messages:
    6,557
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    A black pilot, you racist!
    hahahahahahahahahahaha
     
    #48
  49. topspin_17

    topspin_17 Guest

    This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
    The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''

    ''Melons,'' the blonde replies.

    ''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''

    The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
     
    #49
  50. topspin_17

    topspin_17 Guest

    What starts with ''F'' and ends with ''UCK?''

    Firetruck!
     
    #50

Share This Page