Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. A-Rod6600

    A-Rod6600 Rookie

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    A: Do u like fishsticks?

    B: Yes, i like fishsticks!

    A: So u like put fishsticks in ur mouth?

    B: Yes i do.

    A: So YOU'RE A GAYFISH!

    From southpark!! LOL!!
     
  2. Breaker

    Breaker Legend

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    Wait a sec there how does that make me a gay fish? I mean I like fishsticks and I love putting them in my mouth, they are crunchy and delicious, but I'm not gay and I'm definitely not a fish.
     
  3. Mdubb23

    Mdubb23 Hall of Fame

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    Completing the point with a shoulder-high punch in
    But Kanye still doesn't get it.
     
  4. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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  5. A-Rod6600

    A-Rod6600 Rookie

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    Come on Kanye don't u get it??

    Just get it mannn!!
    LOL
     
  6. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting paranoid, but ....


    2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

    2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

    2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.



    It gets worse........


    Next year......

      
    2010 - Chinese year of the ****  !!!!! 

     
     
  7. S H O W S T O P P E R !

    S H O W S T O P P E R ! Hall of Fame

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    In your thredz, stealin ur bukkits
  8. Sentinel

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    No inoculating next year, that's decided ;-)
     
  9. TenniseaWilliams

    TenniseaWilliams Professional

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    I'm really, really, sorry guys.

    Curiosity killed the cat, but I think I was a suspect for a time.
    ~Stephen Wright

    Let me make it up to you two with a nice joke from http://www.jokesblonde.com/

    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

    He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

    Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

    "Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. (EDIT: I was gonna pad this up for quite a while, but I spared you)

    The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2009
  10. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    Now who says blondes are dumb!!!????
     
  11. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    thanks for making it up, ten will.


    [​IMG]
     
  12. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    Ha Ha!^^^^^^
     
  13. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    [​IMG]

    I hope the ladies here will forgive me !
     
  14. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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  15. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

    - Demetri Martin
     
  16. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  17. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    Dear Sirs,

    One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".

    In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?
     
  18. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    * adult humor *

    A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

    That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
     
  19. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    hahahha omg, that could be posted in the fail thread too, yano it could've been a true story
     
  20. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

    They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

    "Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

    "You're velcome," replies the passerby.
     
  21. TenniseaWilliams

    TenniseaWilliams Professional

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    Your mama's so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean.
     
  22. CanadianChic

    CanadianChic Hall of Fame

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    Choosing a wife....

    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.



    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


    Again, the man is impressed.



    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


    Obviously, the man was impressed.




    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



    Then.........

    He married the one with the biggest *cough*.
     
  23. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Q: Why was the guy so downhearted after his midget girlfriend dumped him?

    A: Because he was nuts over her.
     
  24. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

    The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

    The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

    The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

    The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
     
  25. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.

    The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.

    Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

    He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

    The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."
     
  26. sh@de

    sh@de Hall of Fame

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    ^ HAHAHAHA that one got me laughing so hard! Keep up the jokes Sentinel, I love'em! :D.
     
  27. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and **** into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

    The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

    The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

    The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

    "What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

    "Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could **** all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"
     
  28. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    Q. Whos the best person you can trust to keep a secret?
    A. someone with Alzheimer's disease
     
  29. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    what we learn from the movies

    -- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.

    -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    -- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    -- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    -- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    -- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.

    -- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    -- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
     
  30. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    caution: adults

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? '

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No ........ I'm your son's teacher.'
     
  31. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

    A: Their middle name.
     
  32. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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  33. TenniseaWilliams

    TenniseaWilliams Professional

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    A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

    "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group was silent for a moment.

    The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
     
  34. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    a blonde was walking w/her husband and says look hunni, they spelled MACY's wrong. holding her hand as there' walking by he says, nope hunni, thats just the YMCA.

    hahhaha this is the GOAT of jokes
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2009
  35. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    'Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college.

    - George Ade

    Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
     
  36. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    I thought someones email said ___@yahoo.corn, it was just my eyes playing tricks on me.
     
  37. TenniseaWilliams

    TenniseaWilliams Professional

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  38. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?

    A: Nothing -- the police won't look into it.
     
  39. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    A tough looking tattooed biker is at the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

    The biker jumps into action, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

    A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

    The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

    The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

    The biker replies, "I'm an unemployed U.S. Marine war veteran and a Republican."

    The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:*

    "U.S.MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
     
  40. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

    The guy asks for the bad news first.

    The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

    Then the guy asks for the good news.

    The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
     
  41. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

    The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

    The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

    At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

    The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."
     
  42. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.

    - Cecil Baxter

    You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.

    - Ray Bradbury



    When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

    - Gracie Allen
     
  43. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    Wisdom Of A Retiree.

    I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
     
  44. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

    The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

    "What are you doing now?" she asks.

    "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

    The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

    Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
     
  45. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Get the facts, or the facts will get you. And when you get them, get them right, or they will get you wrong.

    - Dr. Thomas Fuller

    Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.

    - Isaac Newton


    There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.

    - Robert Byrne
     
  46. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  47. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

    Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

    Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

    The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"
     
  48. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    This is a Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails:

    I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain
    letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it
    in 2009 also.

    Because of your kindness:
    * I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
    removing toilet stains.

    * I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
    with AIDS.

    * I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
    cause cancer...

    * I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
    sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone
    will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

    * I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
    dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda,
    Singapore and Tokyo.

    * I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get
    sick from the rat faeces and urine..

    * When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
    is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my
    kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

    * I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
    that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl!
    she's been 7 since 1993...)

    * Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to
    transfer his uncle's property of some hundred millions $.

    * Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi
    Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to
    someone else)

    IMPORTANT NOTE:
    If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10
    seconds, a bird will SH** on your head today at 6:10pm
    -



    Bye

    A frustrated victim
     
  49. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

    A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

    The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
     
  50. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

    The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

    The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

    The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

    The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

    The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

    The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a** when you're drunk, Superman."
     

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