Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

    Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

    Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

    Pig says: "big deal.... these days, I only have to cough once, and the entire planet lives in fear.”
     
  2. certifiedjatt

    certifiedjatt Banned

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    Q: what's big, white and lives in a tree?
    A: a refrigerator.

    Q: why did yo mama cross the road?
    A: because she wanted to have sex with me, and because my apartment is across the street from her house. i didn't wanna go over to her house because i didn't want to change into something i would be taking off anyway. hence, she had to cross the road.
     
  3. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    funny second q and a. but i didn't get the 1st one
     
  4. Cesc Fabregas

    Cesc Fabregas Legend

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    What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "C" and ends with a "T"

    Coconut.
     
  5. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    Do you always stammer :):)
     
  6. cucio

    cucio Legend

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    ^^ Clear case of PG13 dyslexia, lol! That, or he gets trembling hands just thinking about it.
     
  7. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    An oldish one, i admit ....

    A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
     
  8. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    A teary eyed Hydrogen walks into a bar.

    The bartender says "Hey buddy, why are you so upset?"

    The crying atom says "I lost my electron."

    The bartender says "Are you sure?"

    The atom says "I'm Positive."

    J
     
  9. cucio

    cucio Legend

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    O... K... Since you two got started with the science nerd jokes...

    "How does a photon colliding with an electron sound?"

    "Plannnnck!"
     
  10. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    ^^ Hey never heard that one before. I feel ashamed posting a blonde joke:

    What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

    She sticks it in the microwave.
     
  11. myservenow

    myservenow Semi-Pro

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    Two prostitutes are talking about their work. One asks the other "Have you been picked up by the fuzz lately?"

    The other responds, "No, but some guy did sling me around by the ankles the other day."
     
  12. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  13. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  14. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  15. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    [​IMG]

    i hope this isn't offensive.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2009
  16. diggler

    diggler Professional

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    Why do elephants drink?


























    To forget
     
  17. brado32003

    brado32003 Banned

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    AHAHAHAHA... This made me laugh
     
  18. diggler

    diggler Professional

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    How do you know an Asian has been in your house?














    Your dog is missing and your homework has been done.




    (I'm Asian so I'm allowed to do this joke.)






    Why are there so many skinny Asians?




















    You're not allowed to eat in the library.
     
  19. diggler

    diggler Professional

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    What's the definition of an economist?




    Someone who concludes that if you have your head in an oven and your feet in a freezer, then on average you are comfortable.
     
  20. diggler

    diggler Professional

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    How can you tell the porno actor at the gas station?










    When the tank is almost full, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays all over the car.
     
  21. ramseszerg

    ramseszerg Professional

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    While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.

    He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
    surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
    they're
    intelligent.

    "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow
    me to demonstrate."

    She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer
    this
    question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
    this
    child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

    Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

    "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
    and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

    "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

    Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman
    of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons
    Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if
    you can answer a question for me."

    "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

    "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
    child
    is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get
    back
    to you?"

    Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other
    senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for
    several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
    desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and
    explains his problem.

    "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
    child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of! course, you dumb cracker."

    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
    know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

    And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"
     
  22. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    hahaha that's so bad
     
  23. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    Tips for travelling in the South

    --If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.

    -- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.

    -- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

    -- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

    -- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

    -- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    -- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    -- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    -- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

    -- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
     
  24. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

    2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

    3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

    4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

    5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

    6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

    7. Born free, taxed to death.

    8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

    9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

    10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

    11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on
    your pants.

    12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

    13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

    14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the
    blinking red light.


    15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the
    other three, he was the genius.

    16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

    17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

    18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

    19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

    20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

    21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

    22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

    24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

    25. Someday is not a day of the week

    26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

    27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

    28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

    29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

    30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

    31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or
    married to someone else!
     
  25. brado32003

    brado32003 Banned

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    When you are in the car with someone who is singing...

    Say "Hey who sings this song?" Pretending you have know idea.

    They will respond with the answer right away thinking they are so smart.

    Then you say "LETS KEEP IT THAT WAY"

    hahaha I love doing this to people
     
  26. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  27. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  28. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  29. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  30. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."





    Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
     
  31. ag200boy

    ag200boy Hall of Fame

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    Two blondes were talking to each other on opposite sides of a river. One blonde says to the other blonde, "How am I going to get to the other side?"

    The other blonde looks upstream and downstream before finally yelling out, "But you are already on the other side!"


    :)
     
  32. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    Clean joke warning

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
    husband stalking around with a fly swatter

    'What are you doing?' She asked.

    'Hunting Flies' He responded.

    'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

    'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

    He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone
     
  33. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

    A: Third grade.
     
  34. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  35. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  36. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    One would expect people to EAT food. not play with it :-(

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  37. TenniseaWilliams

    TenniseaWilliams Professional

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  38. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    [size=+2]"3......2......1.......[/size][size=+1]Wham-O!"[/size]

    [​IMG]
     
  39. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    This one is for our TT Bard, Dedans.

    [​IMG]
     
  40. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  41. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
    The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
    Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
    __________________________________
    L.Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

    Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

    L.Johnny: But I asked first!
    __________________________________

    "Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?" the teacher asked.

    "No, she did it all," Little Johnny replied.

    __________________________________________________
    "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

    Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

    "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try, right?"

    ________________________________________
    Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

    Little Johnny: One dollar.

    Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

    Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father

    __________________________

    Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."

    Little Johnny: "OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."
     
  42. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

    Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
     
  43. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  44. Infl8edEg0

    Infl8edEg0 Professional

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    Hahaha, I'm Asian too but I've never heard that one before. Got anymore?
     
  45. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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    Not possible. I've never known asian tennis players to have infl8ed eg0s. ...

    ok, okay, leander paes, but he's really an exception ;-)
     
  46. Sentinel

    Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru

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  47. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    leander paes is indian. how did he get to b asian?
    haha
    that dog joke was cruel as heck.....
    oh damn here comes PETA. run!
     
  48. maximo

    maximo Banned

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    Is that your pug in your avatar?

    I know someone who has a pug very similar to that one. ;)
     
  49. ag200boy

    ag200boy Hall of Fame

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    And what continent is India in? :oops:
     
  50. ryangoring

    ryangoring Professional

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    man i dont know, i never thought people from those part of the world were asian.
    who knew.
     

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