Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because, It's two tired.
ha, thats funny, i got it wrong
What's brown and sticky?
Q: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg raised?
A: Shake hands
I find this pretty funny, It's a eurosport advert which has now become pretty topical it's a pretty ironic advert on tv just now. It's advertising the AO and it's basically clips of players and extra's from the commentators, Theres a shot of Hingis hitting a forehand and the commentator shouts "Clean as a whistle!" That's just quality! and I bet they're kicking themselves for having that up now.
hahaha not bad, both of them made me grin
Thanks for the laughs.. i just went through the enitire post and have tears in my eyes... I choked on a triscuit!!!
Your momma is so fat her picture is heavy!
did ne1 hear the jay leno joke about the clinton admin on may 11?
"Turns out that things aren't looking good for Hillary Clinton's campaign."
"One reporter said the campaign ain't over 'til the fat lady sings"
Bill heard this saying "Theres a fat lady??? Where?"
Also from Leno...
Hillary said she will end the war in Iraq and start bringing home the troops over a scheduled period of time and then she would focus attention on eradicating terrorists where they are and she said she would be able to bring in Osama Bin Laden. Then Jay said "she can't find a fat intern under her husbands desk, I don't know how she thinks she'll be able to find any terrorists!"
maybe this time she expects to find Osama under her husband's desk.
^^^ I think she might prefer him under her desk!!!
^^^hahaha appropriate tennis joke too.
What do you call a guy laying on the ground?
What do you call a guy sitting in a hole?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs waterskiing?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
One day, Juan is out trimming his hedges. His neighbor looks over and says, "Juan, you're a great guy. You don't beat your wife, abuse your kids, or kick your dog. You should run for Mayor!"
So Juan runs for Mayor. People see what a great guy he is, and they elect him.
After his term is over, Juan is back out to his hedges. His neighbor looks over again. ""Juan, you're a great guy. You don't beat your wife, abuse your kids, or kick your dog. You should run for Senator!"
So Juan runs for Senator. People see what a great guy he is, and they elect him.
After his term is over, Juan is back out to his hedges. His neighbor looks over again. ""Juan, you're a great guy. You don't beat your wife, abuse your kids, or kick your dog. You should run for President!"
So Juan runs for President. People see he's a great guy- doesn't beat his wife, abuse his kids, or kick his dog. So they elect him. However, as Juan is sitting in the Oval Office one day, a shady man in a black coat walks in and says, "Juan, you're a great guy. But you need to start screwing up- beat your wife, abuse your kids, and start kicking your dog. Or I'll kill you." So Juan begins to beat his wife, abuse his kids, and kick his dog. After a while of this, Juan's old neighbor comes in.
"Juan, what are your doing? You used to be a great guy- now your family is gone and your dog has run away! You need to fix things up, or I'll kill you!"
So Juan is freaking out, but he decides to go out with honor. He patches things up with his wife and kids, and he gets a new dog. The next day, the shady man comes into his office and shoots Juan with a golf gun.
- What's a golf gun? -
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Your mama's so fat that if she went to a doctor they would tell her that if she did not improve her diet and exercise regimen she would run the serious risk of severe heart problems later in life.
^^^u didn't borrow that joke from phil?
here's a tennis joke:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets
> full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful
> (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept
> looking at him and his bulging pockets.
> Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
> 'Its golf balls'.
> Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him
> for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he
> had said.
> After several minutes, not being able to contain her
> curiosity any longer, she asked,
> 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
:lol:Man that was hilarious. and the 1st & 2nd holes golf one:lol:
"The winner of the Ladies 54 hole tournament, played across 3 courses, is Helen Douglass, the new state Inter-course champion."
- Bloopers, from The Book of Lists #3.
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform for his wife. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few medications, but nothing works. Finally the doctor tells him it's all in his mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confesses he can not figure out what is wrong. The psychiatrist decides to refer him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this!"
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a full year."
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with his wife he says "123", and suddenly his penis gets a huge erection.
With that, his wife turns over and says,
"What did you say '123' for?"
I heard this during the women's semifinal (RG 2008 ) -- can't recall which one -- possibly the Dinara one.
The lady commentator says, after a couple matches:
"The players are trying to get a feel of each other's balls".
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
^^^hahaha, that is hilarious sentinel. both are cheaters
What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."
zomg that was awesome
What happens when you answer all your spam ... some neat poetry on this slashdot article.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
^^^hahaha, thats rly funny
There was once a chap by the name Jim Henmen.
And it just so happens that one day after tennis practice, Jim met the girl of his dreams. Things sped-by and it didn't take long before Jim and his gal were newlyweds. So enraptured was he, such great love held henmen for his newfound wife, that he had to give her a big kiss every morn before he left for the courts.
One morning though, our man Jim Henmen had the sudden realization that he had forgotten to plant his kiss on lovely Mrs before going out. Being the chivalrous chap that he is, Jim raced back home, and slamming open the front door found his dearest doing the dishes.
It seemed that she didn't realize Jim was back. Even better, for he would surprise her with delight! Caustiously on his tip-toes Henmen approached wifey from the back. Then, wrapping his arms around her waist, our Jim placed a big gushing mooch on the neck of his yet unaroused wife.
But what dear Mrs Henmen said next surely would break poor Jim's heart.
"Not today rooster, just put the milk and eggs on the floor."
Q: What do you call a rooster on a bus?
A: A shuttlecock!
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a spaniard?
A: A cockerspaniel!
Q: What does FedEx, Federline, and Federer have in common?
A: Birds of a 'feder' flock together!
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
^^^both of those are great, thx sentinel. i enjoy reading your jokes you post here. keepem up
Search for "German Coast Guard" on youtube.
if you can't find it still, its the first seach result.
It doesn't match the criteria for the thread but heck who doesn't want a laugh!
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
hahahaha let the flaming begin
I have this thing on my browser called iGoogle (www.google.com/ig) - shows me the news, various RSS feeds, qotd, weather etc and also Jokes of the Day. One joke a day - if its good and not too obscene, i cut-paste it over here. Glad you enjoy it.
If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and
I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?'
my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?).
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what
she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a
boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.
um. **********. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . ' She
gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
^^^didn't see that coming, 8)
Which is better for you:
Apple Juice or Orange Juice?
its Apple Juice, because OJ will kill you.
**warning ** Mothers-in-law, pls move on, nothing for you here ....
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
so this guy told me he was from dubai, i told him, do buy you some cowboy boots 'n some western wear and learn how to dance.
Notice: "MEXICO has dropped out of the 2008 Summer Olympics"
why you ask?
everyone who can run jump or swim well has already left the country.
The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house?
A man's in the doctor's office, and the doctor tells him "I'm really sorry to tell you this, but you have an incurable disease, you're going to die." The man asks, "Well how long do I have left?" The doctor says, "Five" and the man says "Five... five what, months, years?"
And the doctor says "Four... three..."
Separate names with a comma.