Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.
-What do you call six white guys on a bench?
Sorry it's bolded - I'm not yelling...I just copied and pasted from my hotmail - a friend just sent it.
A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'. NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.
WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.
AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.' HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MEMBER OF THE 101ST AIRBORNE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?'
THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, NO I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS'
So, there was this person who just finished playing. While heading to the exit a guy was just about to enter the court. This person noticed the guy had a bulge in his shorts. Noticing this, the person asked, "what is that?". The guy says tennis balls. To this, the person responded, "Wow! I can just imagine how painful that can be! I have tennis elbow and I can barely tolerate it!".
Note: I just realized how difficult it is to make a joke not offend anyone. This was supposed to be a dumb blonde joke.
Don't worry, the blondes wouldn't have understood it anyway. lol, just kidding!
Best joke ever!
From Family Guy:
Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.
CC, that was really funny.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The Little Football Hero
Once upon a time, deep in the heart of the jungle, the Animal Kingdom were staging their own version of the Super Bowl:
THE MUTUAL OF OMAHA'S "ANIMAL-KINGDOM" SUPER BOWL which pitted the defending-champion Vertebrates against the challengers, the Invertabrates.
During the 1st half of play, the Vertebrates were having their way with the the game but undersized "bug squad." And try as they might, the gutsy, little Invertabrates found themselves trailing 21-0 at halftime.
Early in the 2nd half, the Vertebrates scored again. At that moment, the Invertabrate's coach--in a panic--looked up and down his bench for an answer......"someone!...anyone!...who can I put in?!!" he thought to himself. And just then--there he was!--the coach saw his star halfback, the centipede, sitting at the end of the bench. The coach immediately called him over and instructed him to go into the game at halfback.
No sooner did the centipede enter the game then the multi-legged lil' wriggler scored a touchdown. Encouraged, the Invertebrate defense came alive and their quickness then produced a quick turnover with the dragonfly intercepting a pass, lateralling the ball to the centipede who zig-zagged his way for another score. Now THROUGHLY inspired, the Invertebrate defense held them on downs and from there--YOU GUESSED IT--the centipede once again took it to the house!!! By the time the final gun had sounded (a 49-28 rout in favor of the upstart Invertebrates), the centipede had notched 3 more rushing touchdowns and another touchdown on a "flea-flicker" ).
As the joyous, triumphant Invertebrates carried their hero--the centipede--off the field, the coach came over and cried out to him above the din of the crowd: "Great Game!!!....But where the hell were you in the 1st half??!!!"
...... and the centipede replied: "I was puttin' on my spikes."
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'
There were two muffins in a oven. One muffin screamed "AHHHHHH its hot in here" the other screamed "AHHHHHH a talking muffin"
Officially the most stupidest joke ever award plz?
its a lil jacked but made me laugh
Why Did the women Cross the road...?
Thats not the issue who gave her shoes and let her out of the house.
Q: What does control top pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
these are really funny. sure made my day. keep them coming
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?'' ''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Man: Tell me the good news first.
Doctor: You're going to have a disease named after you!
An Aggie shows up at the doctor with two burned ears.
Doctor: How did you burn your ears?
Aggie: I was ironing my clothes when the phone rang, and I used the iron as a telephone.
Doctor: How did you get the other burned ear?
Aggie: The darned fool called back!
(my favorite when I was like 4 or 5 years old)
Q: What's Irish and hangs outside all summer long?
A: Paddy O'Furniture
A woman walks into a doctor's office complaining that she can't "hold her water" (she's wetting the bed). So the doctor instructs her to go into the examination room, remove all her clothes and do a headstand facing the full-length mirror on the wall. The woman is perplexed but figuring "well, he IS a doctor" does what she's told. Minutes later, the doctor walks in, parts her legs, places his chin between her legs and stares intently into the mirror at himself. After a few moments, he tells the woman to get dressed and to meet him back in his office.
The woman gets dressed, meets the doctor in his office who tells her: "no fluids after 7:00 p.m. and see me in two weeks." The woman replies: "ok doctor, but may I ask a question: why did you have me strip naked and perform a headstand in front of that mirror?" ..... and the doctor airily replies: "oh, I just wanted to see what I'd look like with a beard."
^^^^ Oh My GOOOOD !!!!!
Yur mommas so fat i asked what her favorite color was and she replied "Long John Silver"
Your moms so fat her blood type is o...reo
What do you call a Naked Blonde doing a handstand?
A Brunette with bad breath.
yo mama is so gross Secret (deodorant) Told on her
yo mama is so nasty she made Speed Stick Slow Down.
One day, a boy asks his father, "How does our country function?"
The father answers "Son, I am the president, your nanny is the working class, you are the people, and your mom is the government"
So one day the son wakes up and wants to get something to eat. When he stops by the guest room, he sees his dad sleeping with the nanny. When he goes to tell his mom, he discovers that her room is locked.
When he wakes up the next day, he goes to his dad and says. "I know how the nation works now. The government is ignoring the people, and the president is screwing the working class!!!"
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
My apologies if this one is already in here:
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
^^ CC, we did that one with a donkey recently !
Oops. *hangs head in shame*
Old, but good.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.
yo mama is so baddass at tennis she puts lead on her strings
did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
it has great food but no atmosphere.
what's brown and sticky?
You might be redneck if....
You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
You father's cell number has nothing to do with a phone.
If you think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal Mart.
If you think safe sex is a padded headboard.
If you pop open a bear at a funeral.
If there are more pick-ups than cars at a funeral.
If your idea of cleaning out the bed of your truck is putting it in reverse and stepping on the brakes real fast.
If someone comes up to your house everyday and asked if your having a yard sale.
If going to the restroom in the night requires shoes and a flash light.
If your 3 year old has more teeth than your father.
If your house has more miles than your pick-up.
If you think the OJ trial was a taste test between Tropicana and Minutemaid.
If directions to your house say "get off the paved road".
If you think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
If you think possum is the other white meat.
If your family tree has no branches.
If you go to a family reunion to pick up a date.
If you had to remove a tooth pick for your wedding pictures.
If you consider your license plate to be personalized because your father made it in prison.
If fifth grade was the best 6 years of your life.
If you win the lottery and the first thing you do is go to buy the new Mobile Home.
If you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
If a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.
If your father walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
If you refer to the fifth grade as your senior year.
If it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn then mow it.
If you dated your dads current wife in high school.
If you own a homemade fur coat
this is actual a practical joke we did at walmart and posted it on youtube, so it probably counts for here..my mom is driving the cart
What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
Hair that stands straight up on your head!
your mama's so dumb, she tried to drown a fish!
Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''
to be continued.........
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
How Many Frenchmen....
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
I don't know either, they've never tried.
A guy is sitting in a hospital waiting room when the doctor comes out:
guy: Hi doctor, how's my mom?
doctor: your mother.... she's just so obese.....
guy: well..... how obese is she?
doctor: your mother is so obese, she's actually perspiring mayonnaise.
A while back, i had a really hot girl for a date. The date was nice, and when i drove her back to her house, I walked her up to her doorsteps. Then she said, Sorry I don't kiss on the first date.
I replied with, How bout the last one?
One day a man brang back a goat to his house. His wife comes back from work and sees the goat watching a football game with her husband. Shocked, she asks, Why is a goat in this house?
The man replies, Don't worry, he's keeping me company.
The wife asks, how about his trash? And his food?
The man replies, Don't worry I have it all under control.
The woman asks, how about the smell?!
The man replies, Don't worry, he'll get use to it, just like I did.
There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?"
Why do Aggies keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
So they can park in the handicap zone.
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading a book and the man says, "Darling, this is the pig that I have sex with when you have a headache."
The wife looks up and says, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
A woman wants to spice up her sex life so she goes out and buys some crotchless undies. She comes home, showers, puts on perfume, her favorite negligee, and the undies and waits for her husband to get home.
The husband comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair and turns on the TV. The wife approaches him and playfully slings her leg up on the arm of his chair, showing off her new undies.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" replied the husband. "Look what it did to those panties!"
^^^ great ones. TonyB.
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
your mums so fat that not even ripleys can believe it...
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
Separate names with a comma.