Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." - Picasso
"Men are always either hungry or horny. If you see your man without an erection, make him a sandwich."
You can't be rich and happy?
Check out the comments section. Hilarious!
No. All rich people are unhappy. That was one of Sentinel's first observations regarding the human race as submitted to the Galactic Council.
Are all poor people happy?
No, thank God you asked. Some brilliant logicians here would have assumed that was meant and written a long post flaying me for that.
Happiness has nothing to do with money or possessions. People seem to equate comfort or momentary pleasure with happiness.
One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one.
"There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves."
-- Albert Guinon
A man who lives right, and is right, has more power in his silence than another has by his words.
-- Phillips Brooks
^ omg, just omg *sniff*
That great post about the cat was posted once earlier by Dedans in the Canadian Bar and Bistro. I then copied it and posted it here. Gem !!!
Are any people happy? (I think I am, fairly often, but maybe I'm just deluding myself.)
You are. I have looked far and wide and found that I am the only happy one.
Seriously, if your happiness has a cause then it's not happiness. It's something that will go, and you will worry about it fading, or losing it, or it being stolen (the cause). Sooner or later it will go.
Now let me find a joke to give you all a moment of (fake) happiness.
"Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at."
-- Carlos A. Urbizo
"Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
-- John Benfield
"History is the short trudge from Adam to atom."
-- Leonard Louis Levinson
haha ! Missed this one. How demeaning !
What did the the woman say as she switched on the new lamp she'd just bought for her entrance hall?
"Come on baby, light my foyer."
(This is completely original, I'm afraid.)
Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.
I submit to you that if a man has not found something he is willing to die for, he isn't fit to live.
Oh, and my favorite:
Put your hand on a hot stove for one minute and it feels like an hour, sit next to a pretty girl for an hour and it feels like a minute. Now THAT'S relativity.
"Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated."
-- Jeph Jacques
"Any fool can use a computer. Many do."
— Ted Nelson
"We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us."
-- Samuel Johnson
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."
-- Arthur C. Clarke
"When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
-- Saul Bellow
If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."
-- Robert R. Coveyou
"There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."
-- Don Herold
"The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible."
-- Bertrand Russell
"You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it."
-- Art Buchwald
"The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law."
-- Alex Levin
"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it."
-- Christopher Morley
Reminds me of the SQL-injection "experiments" we did on our school-server years ago, the teachers weren't too happy..
Consider my auto-repair man, again.
He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me.
One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: "Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand.
"The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?"
Indulgently, I lifted by right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers.
Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, "Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them."
Then he said smugly, "I've been trying that on all my customers today." "Did you catch many?" I asked. "Quite a few," he said, "but I knew for sure I'd catch you."
"Why is that?" I asked. "Because you're so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn't be very smart."
And I have an uneasy feeling he had something there.
Source - Isaac Asimov on Intelligence
"Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
-- Robert Orben
"I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them."
-- H. L. Mencken
"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it."
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
-- Albert Schweitzer
"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."
-- John Cage
"I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system."
-- P. J. O'Rourke
"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters."
-- Alice Thomas Ellis
"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."
--L J Peter
Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? I'm so hungry right now.
After being married for thirty years.....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What
about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
I've just finished reading "The Quest for Radovan Karadzic" book...
In 2003, The BBC reporter was on the border of Bosnia and Serbia, he was
travelling from Bosnia to Serbia to report about the assassination of
Serbian PM Zoran Djinjic.
The reporter faced some border guards who looked serious and finally
warmed up to him by talking about Manchester United football team...
He showed his British passport which was then taken inside the
Portakabin office by the guards.
Inside the Portakabin he was interviewed by an official who asked him
whether he's a member of Al Qaeda. The reporter thought he was joking so
he smiled but then he realised that the official was serious.
The reporter told him that he's a British journalist and about to make a
report on the Serbian PM assassination.
Across the room, there were two other officers, one was reading newspaper
and the other one was playing his pistol.
The official who interviewed him suddenly smiled and pointed at his two
friends across the room and said this to the BBC reporter:
"Rodney and Del Boy, eh??" (he was nodding to the direction of other
The reporter slowly realised what he meant (fools and horses)
The official then started to laugh heartily and in addition he said:
"And maybe you..., you could be Granddad!"
"In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock."
-- Thomas Jefferson
"A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out."
-- Samuel Johnson
"If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else."
-- Laurence J. Peter
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
-- Hubert H. Humphrey
Ronald Reagon, Margaret Theatcher, and Benazir Bhutto were all in the hell together. Mr. Reagon made a phone call to USA and was billed $1 million, Margaret Theatcher made a call to Great Britain and she was billed 1 million pounds; Benazir Bhutto made a call to Pakistan and she was billed Rs. 900 only. Both Reagon and Margaret complained to the Devil as to why they were paying more and Benazir Bhutto less. The Devil replied, "Under the Zardari Government, call to Pakistan is a local call".
Funny, The Land of Lungi. A 3 minute song about India in English.
Lungi is a loincloth tied by some people (esp in South India) around their waist.
Pictures of a dog sticking his head out of a window at various speeds
Click to enlarge pic.
"Boxing is just show business with blood."
-- Frank Bruno
"I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."
-- Fred Allen
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
check it out !
"Television is for appearing on - not for looking at."
-- Noel Coward
"The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel."
-- From "Taxi"
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself."
-- Sir Richard Francis Burton
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....
two gay men are playing golf, they step on to the first green to putt and a ball comes flying over nearly hitting them and lands on the green.
one of the men shouts behind him, we are supposed to finish putting first, then they move on.
as they are about to putt on the next green, the same happens again, starting to get angry, one of the men again shouts, we are supposed to finish putting first.
as they are about to putt on the third green, a ball hits one of the men on the head and knocks him to the ground.
his friend goes looking for the person who hit the ball and informs him that he has knocked his friend out and they are going to sue him, he raises his middle finger and says, swivel on that you queer.
he looks over to his friend and shouts, get up quick, he wants to settle out of court.
"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours."
-- Harry S Truman
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
-- David Russell
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."
-- Clarence Darrow
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."
-- Kin Hubbard
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
-- Oscar Wilde
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
-- Bill Vaughan
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien ****** that wasn't immune to bullets."
dude, is this stuff supposed to be funny?
have you forgot that you are posting in a joke thread?
"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."
isn't this funny? i LOLed.
sentinel has a subtler sense of humor.
^ Paul, please check thread title, it says "what have you".
"Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box."
-- Italian Proverb
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
"No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather."
-- Michael Pritchard
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
-- Sir Winston Churchill
My apologies if you did not spill your coffee on your new keyboard/lap/cat or did not get hot coffee through your nose or whatever.
no worries dude
Separate names with a comma.