Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." - Picasso
     
  2. OTMPut

    OTMPut Hall of Fame

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    "Men are always either hungry or horny. If you see your man without an erection, make him a sandwich."
     
  3. rovex

    rovex Legend

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    You can't be rich and happy?
     
  4. OTMPut

    OTMPut Hall of Fame

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  5. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    No. All rich people are unhappy. That was one of Sentinel's first observations regarding the human race as submitted to the Galactic Council.
     
  6. aphex

    aphex Banned

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  7. rovex

    rovex Legend

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    Are all poor people happy?
     
  8. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    No, thank God you asked. Some brilliant logicians here would have assumed that was meant and written a long post flaying me for that.

    Happiness has nothing to do with money or possessions. People seem to equate comfort or momentary pleasure with happiness.
     
  9. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one.
    Agatha Christie


    "There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves."
    -- Albert Guinon


    A man who lives right, and is right, has more power in his silence than another has by his words.

    -- Phillips Brooks

    ^ omg, just omg *sniff*

    That great post about the cat was posted once earlier by Dedans in the Canadian Bar and Bistro. I then copied it and posted it here. Gem !!!
     
  10. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    Are any people happy? (I think I am, fairly often, but maybe I'm just deluding myself.)
     
  11. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    You are. I have looked far and wide and found that I am the only happy one.

    Seriously, if your happiness has a cause then it's not happiness. It's something that will go, and you will worry about it fading, or losing it, or it being stolen (the cause). Sooner or later it will go.

    Now let me find a joke to give you all a moment of (fake) happiness.
     
  12. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  13. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    haha ! Missed this one. How demeaning !
     
  14. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    What did the the woman say as she switched on the new lamp she'd just bought for her entrance hall?

    "Come on baby, light my foyer."

    (This is completely original, I'm afraid.)
     
  15. Up&comer

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    Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

    I submit to you that if a man has not found something he is willing to die for, he isn't fit to live.
     
  16. Up&comer

    Up&comer Hall of Fame

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    Oh, and my favorite:

    Put your hand on a hot stove for one minute and it feels like an hour, sit next to a pretty girl for an hour and it feels like a minute. Now THAT'S relativity.
    -Albert Einstein.
     
  17. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated."
    -- Jeph Jacques

    "Any fool can use a computer. Many do."
    — Ted Nelson
     
  18. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us."
    -- Samuel Johnson

    "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."
    -- Arthur C. Clarke
     
  19. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
    -- Saul Bellow

    If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
    Henry Ford
     
  20. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
     
  21. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."

    -- Robert R. Coveyou
     
  22. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have."

    -- Don Herold
     
  23. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible."
    -- Bertrand Russell

    "You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it."
    -- Art Buchwald

    "The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law."
    -- Alex Levin

    "Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it."
    -- Christopher Morley
     
  24. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  25. stanton warrior

    stanton warrior Rookie

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    Reminds me of the SQL-injection "experiments" we did on our school-server years ago, the teachers weren't too happy.. :)
     
  26. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Consider my auto-repair man, again.
    He had a habit of telling me jokes whenever he saw me.
    One time he raised his head from under the automobile hood to say: "Doc, a deaf-and-mute guy went into a hardware store to ask for some nails. He put two fingers together on the counter and made hammering motions with the other hand.
    "The clerk brought him a hammer. He shook his head and pointed to the two fingers he was hammering. The clerk brought him nails. He picked out the sizes he wanted, and left. Well, doc, the next guy who came in was a blind man. He wanted scissors. How do you suppose he asked for them?"

    Indulgently, I lifted by right hand and made scissoring motions with my first two fingers.
    Whereupon my auto-repair man laughed raucously and said, "Why, you dumb jerk, He used his voice and asked for them."
    Then he said smugly, "I've been trying that on all my customers today." "Did you catch many?" I asked. "Quite a few," he said, "but I knew for sure I'd catch you."
    "Why is that?" I asked. "Because you're so goddamned educated, doc, I knew you couldn't be very smart."

    And I have an uneasy feeling he had something there.


    Source - Isaac Asimov on Intelligence
    http://talentdevelop.com/articles/WIIA.html
     
  27. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
    -- Robert Orben
    "I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them."
    -- H. L. Mencken
    "Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it."
    -- Unknown
     
  28. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
    -- Albert Schweitzer

    "I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."
    -- John Cage

    "I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it."
    -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

    See this:
    http://techcrunch.com/2011/08/16/jeremy-and-his-mom/
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2011
  29. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system."
    -- P. J. O'Rourke

    "There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters."
    -- Alice Thomas Ellis
     
  30. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."

    --L J Peter

    Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? I'm so hungry right now.

     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2011
  31. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    After being married for thirty years.....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her slowly...then said,
    "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

    She asked, "What does that mean?"

    He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
    Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

    She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What
    about I, J, K?"

    He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
     
  32. 15_ounce

    15_ounce Guest

    LoL

    I've just finished reading "The Quest for Radovan Karadzic" book...


    In 2003, The BBC reporter was on the border of Bosnia and Serbia, he was
    travelling from Bosnia to Serbia to report about the assassination of
    Serbian PM Zoran Djinjic.

    The reporter faced some border guards who looked serious and finally
    warmed up to him by talking about Manchester United football team...

    He showed his British passport which was then taken inside the
    Portakabin office by the guards.

    Inside the Portakabin he was interviewed by an official who asked him
    whether he's a member of Al Qaeda. The reporter thought he was joking so
    he smiled but then he realised that the official was serious.

    The reporter told him that he's a British journalist and about to make a
    report on the Serbian PM assassination.

    Across the room, there were two other officers, one was reading newspaper
    and the other one was playing his pistol.

    The official who interviewed him suddenly smiled and pointed at his two
    friends across the room and said this to the BBC reporter:

    "Rodney and Del Boy, eh??" (he was nodding to the direction of other
    two guards)

    The reporter slowly realised what he meant (fools and horses)

    The official then started to laugh heartily and in addition he said:

    "And maybe you..., you could be Granddad!"
     
  33. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock."
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    "A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out."
    -- Samuel Johnson

    "If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else."
    -- Laurence J. Peter

    "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
    -- Hubert H. Humphrey
     
  34. Mahboob Khan

    Mahboob Khan Hall of Fame

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    Ronald Reagon, Margaret Theatcher, and Benazir Bhutto were all in the hell together. Mr. Reagon made a phone call to USA and was billed $1 million, Margaret Theatcher made a call to Great Britain and she was billed 1 million pounds; Benazir Bhutto made a call to Pakistan and she was billed Rs. 900 only. Both Reagon and Margaret complained to the Devil as to why they were paying more and Benazir Bhutto less. The Devil replied, "Under the Zardari Government, call to Pakistan is a local call".
     
  35. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  36. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  37. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Boxing is just show business with blood."
    -- Frank Bruno
    "I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."
    -- Fred Allen
     
  38. 15_ounce

    15_ounce Guest

    [​IMG]

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    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2011
  39. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
    -- Rodney Dangerfield

    The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

    Albert Einstein
     
  40. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  41. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Television is for appearing on - not for looking at."
    -- Noel Coward

    "The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel."
    -- From "Taxi"

    "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself."
    -- Sir Richard Francis Burton
     
  42. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,




    when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.


    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

    You have been with me all through the bad times.

    When I got fired, you were there to support me.

    When my business failed, you were there.

    When I got shot, you were by my side.

    When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

    When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

    You know what Martha?'

    'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



    'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....
     
  43. Paul B 40-15

    Paul B 40-15 Guest

    two gay men are playing golf, they step on to the first green to putt and a ball comes flying over nearly hitting them and lands on the green.
    one of the men shouts behind him, we are supposed to finish putting first, then they move on.
    as they are about to putt on the next green, the same happens again, starting to get angry, one of the men again shouts, we are supposed to finish putting first.
    as they are about to putt on the third green, a ball hits one of the men on the head and knocks him to the ground.
    his friend goes looking for the person who hit the ball and informs him that he has knocked his friend out and they are going to sue him, he raises his middle finger and says, swivel on that you queer.
    he looks over to his friend and shouts, get up quick, he wants to settle out of court.
     
  44. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours."
    -- Harry S Truman
    "The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn."
    -- David Russell
    "The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."
    -- Clarence Darrow
     
  45. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."

    "Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."
    -- Kin Hubbard
     
  46. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    "Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."
    -- Oscar Wilde

    "A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
    -- Bill Vaughan

    "Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien ****** that wasn't immune to bullets."
    -- Unknown
     
  47. Paul B 40-15

    Paul B 40-15 Guest

    dude, is this stuff supposed to be funny?
    have you forgot that you are posting in a joke thread?
     
  48. OTMPut

    OTMPut Hall of Fame

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    "Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune."

    isn't this funny? i LOLed.

    sentinel has a subtler sense of humor.
     
  49. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    ^ Paul, please check thread title, it says "what have you".

    "Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box."
    -- Italian Proverb

    "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
    -- Voltaire

    "No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather."
    -- Michael Pritchard

    "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
    -- Sir Winston Churchill

    My apologies if you did not spill your coffee on your new keyboard/lap/cat or did not get hot coffee through your nose or whatever. ;)
     
  50. Paul B 40-15

    Paul B 40-15 Guest

    no worries dude :)
     

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