Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    I thought I PG-ed it enough, especially compared to the game-show joke (funny one, too, BTW). Will heed your warning!

    Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

    Bcoz, he/she heard the drinks were "on the house".

    Hope there are no blond mods!
     
  2. krz

    krz Professional

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  3. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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  4. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    I posted this several days ago in a Pro Match Results thread and it got a couple of chuckles:

    Son of God: "Dad, can you stop the rain in SW19? The guy I'm playing is too good indoors!"

    God: "Denied! I told you that shirt-ripping act violates my commandment that the meek shall inherit the Earth."
     
  5. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    I was at the pub Saturday night. Had a few drinks. Then I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

    One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you friggin' idiot!"

    I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

    That's all I remember.
     
  6. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    LOL! I'm suspecting a hefty Welsh "wailing" was in store for you!
     
  7. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    50th High School Reunion

    He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.

    This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

    Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
    After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... Yes I will!"

    The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.

    With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.

    "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

    "Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

    The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

    Then she continued.
    "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
     
  8. subz

    subz Rookie

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    Why I wasted my time reading this CRAP :/
     
  9. subz

    subz Rookie

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    Good one :]
     
  10. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    After drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,
    become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, fight for no reason.

    Hats off to women. They can do all this without drinking
    ................
    Scroll down


    God comes and says :-
    "I want the men to form two queues :-
    one queue for men who had control over their women
    and the other one
    for the men who were controlled by their women.

    Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can
    talk.

    God returns, the women are gone, and there are two queues.
    The queue for men who were controlled by their women is 10 miles long,
    and in the queue for men who had control over their women there is only
    one man.
    God is flabbergasted and says, " All you men should be ashamed of
    yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by
    your women. Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. Learn from
    him!"

    "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this
    queue?"

    The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.*
     
  11. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    King Arthur left Camelot to fight in the Crusades. Before he left, the thoughtful King had a special chastity belt installed on his Lady Guenivere. The belt had a tiny guillotine to be activated upon penetration.

    After his return from the wars, Arthur requested a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table. When asked to disrobe, all the knights save Lancelot were missing a vital part of their anatomy. This disappointed the returning monarch.

    "Shame on you all, I have been betrayed by all but my loyal Lancelot", said the King. He continued, "Lancelot, my loyal liege, whatever favor you desire I will grant".

    In sign language, Lancelot asked for his tongue back!
     
  12. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  13. West Coast Ace

    West Coast Ace G.O.A.T.

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    From my friend in The Phil:

    Mr Walker lives in a retirement home; one day a nurse notices he looks very sad. She asks him why. He says "my private parts died." She says she's sorry. The next day she sees him walking around with his gown, untied with his junk hanging out for all to see. The nurse says "Mr Walker, you need to cover up." He says "I told you yesterday my private parts died. Today is the viewing."
     
  14. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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  15. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
    He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and
    set about nailing it to a post on the edge of
    his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the
    post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
    down into the eyes of a little boy..

    "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your
    puppies."

    "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat
    off the back of his neck, "These puppies come
    from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

    The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then
    reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a
    handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

    "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take
    a look?"

    "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out
    a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

    Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran
    Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

    The little boy pressed his face against the chain
    link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the
    dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy
    noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

    Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

    "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the
    runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

    With that the little boy stepped back from the fence,
    reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his
    trousers.

    In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down
    both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

    Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir,
    I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

    With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and
    picked up the little pup.


    Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

    "How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge,"
    answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love.."

    The world is full of people who need someone who
    understands.
     
  16. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    ^^^One small logic of the English language..."dog" spelled backwards reveals their place in our realm.
     
  17. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    What is the joke here?
     
  18. hollywood9826

    hollywood9826 Semi-Pro

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    Im pretty sure this is a "or what have you" post.
     
  19. krz

    krz Professional

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    Figured with the recent events this would be appropriate.

    [​IMG]
     
  20. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    YOU are the joke ! :D
    This is a jokes or "what have you" thread. And this was a "what have you" post, just like your repeated attempts at humor which fail consistently. :)
     
  21. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    The what have you refers to types of jokes not mentioned before in the title, not completely random topics
     
  22. Mongolmike

    Mongolmike Professional

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    What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?










    "Dam....."
     
  23. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    I don't know if you guys heard, but they did find life on Mars, there were living creatures there in that crater..Curiosity landed and it crushed 2 cats!
     
  24. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    ^^So Curiosity killed the cats. Hardy-har :|
     
  25. Bhagi Katbamna

    Bhagi Katbamna Hall of Fame

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    "When I read about the horrors of drinking, I gave up reading" Henny Youngman

    "80% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." Jackie Mason.
     
  26. Bobby Jr

    Bobby Jr Legend

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  27. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Warning: not a joke

    A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
    scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.


    He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
    for years.. He wondered where the road was leading them.After a while,
    they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It
    looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a
    tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

    When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
    that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate
    looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he
    got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.When he was close enough,
    he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'


    'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have
    some water?' the man asked.Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have
    some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to
    open.


    'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler
    asked.


    'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'


    The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
    continued the way he had been going with his dog.


    After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came
    to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had
    never been closed. There was no fence.

    As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
    and reading a book.

    'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
    'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
    'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.



    'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

    They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
    hand pump with a bowl beside it.

    The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then
    he gave some to the dog.


    When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
    standing by the tree.
    'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.



    'This is Heaven,' he answered.

    'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.. 'The man down the road
    said that was Heaven, too.'


    'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
    That's hell.'

    'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'



    'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave
    their best friends behind.'
     
  28. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    That thread has some pretty funny photoshops.
     
  29. krz

    krz Professional

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  30. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    The Longest Password
    We laugh -- but her I.D. is safe.

    During a recent password audit by Google,
    it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and
    said:
    "Helloooo! It has to be at least 8 characters
    long and include at least one capital."
     
  31. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    ^^^ Good one... I laughed out loud and had people looking at me wondering what I was looking at!
     
  32. BHiC

    BHiC Rookie

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    Here are some great Mark Twain quotes -


    "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."

    "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

    "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

    "Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

    "Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."

    "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."

    "Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
     
  33. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    ^^^ "I never spent a colder winter than a summer in San Francisco!"
     
  34. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Q: Should I move to doubles.

    Discuss.

    A: You should move to Mongolia



    (seen on a forum, not tennis, slightly changed)
     
  35. hollywood9826

    hollywood9826 Semi-Pro

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  36. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    Cruelty to tank-tops.
     
  37. hollywood9826

    hollywood9826 Semi-Pro

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  38. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Subject: Fw: They played this game they called Bridge

    A lady applied for the position of a house maid. Asked why she left her last employment, she said: Sir, the wages were good, the living conditions were quite comfortable but it was the most ridiculous place I've ever worked. They played this game they called Bridge. Last night a lot of folks were there.

    As I was about to bring the refreshments, I heard a man tell a lady: "Lay down and let*s see what you*ve got."


    Another man said: "I have strength, but not much length."


    Yet another man told a lady: "Take your hand off my trick!"

    I dropped dead when a lady said: "You forced me. You jumped me twice but you didn*t have the strength for even one good raise."


    Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.

    One lady told another: "Now it*s my turn to play with your husband; you play with mine."
    I packed my bags, took my hat and coat and was leaving, when I heard a young man say: "I guess we can go home now. This is the last rubber."
     
  39. jaggy

    jaggy G.O.A.T.

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    Roger Federer gets ask what he likes about being Swiss. He replies:

    "Well the flag is a big plus"
     
  40. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    I once had a Chinese girlfriend. She was sweet .... and sour.

    (taken from reddit)
     
  41. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]
     
  42. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    http://typicalprogrammer.com/?p=143

    I was in a coffee shop in Portland, Oregon and happened to spot Linus Torvalds sitting alone at a window table. I asked the creator of the Linux operating system and the Git source code control system if I could join him. Over the next fifteen minutes we talked about programming and programmers.

    Typical Programmer
    It’s been 20 years since Linux was released. Now it’s one of the most widely-used operating systems. How does that make you feel?

    Linus Torvalds
    Surprised, frankly. It was a hobby project I didn’t expect to do much with. As interest in Linux grew I saw it used mainly by the hardcore programmers and computer geeks to separate themselves from the herd. There are a lot of people in the software industry who like to show off that they’re using the latest software or programming language. It’s a status thing, like the people who talk about obscure indie bands or foreign movies. Whether it’s Linux or Haskell or MongoDB or whatever, every workplace has at least one guy who spends most of his time talking about closures and how he is moving his blog to NodeJS so it will scale.

    TP
    Linux is mainstream now. Did it get too easy?

    Linus
    I don’t think it’s any easier, but there are a lot more resources now. In most ways Linux is more complicated to learn and use than Windows or MacOS. The people using it for servers were already used to Unix so it was no big change for them. They were used to conflicting updates and dependencies and shared library hell. On the desktop I think people lost interest after a few years.

    TP
    Lost interest?

    Linus
    No one is excited anymore about transparent console windows or Kate color schemes or being the first to post on Slashdot how to get some weird sound card to work. That’s what got the early adopters to switch from Windows to Linux. Now Linux looks like Windows. I can install Ubuntu on my grandmother’s laptop and she wouldn’t know the difference, as long as there’s a Facebook icon on the screen.

    TP
    What about all of the Linux distros out there? It seems like there are more distros than Linux desktop users.

    Linus
    There are more Linux distros on a single Linux Format disc than Microsoft has versions of Windows. But they’re all pretty much the same thing warmed over. Only the clever and cute names distinguish one distro from another. Once a Linux For Dummies book was published I started to lose interest in it.

    TP
    You released the Git distributed version control system less than ten years ago. Git caught on quickly and seems to be the dominant source code control system, or at least the one people argue about most on Reddit and Hacker News.

    Linus
    Git has taken over where Linux left off separating the geeks into know-nothings and know-it-alls. I didn’t really expect anyone to use it because it’s so hard to use, but that turns out to be its big appeal. No technology can ever be too arcane or complicated for the black t-shirt crowd.

    TP
    I thought Subversion was hard to understand. I haven’t wrapped my head around Git yet.

    Linus
    You’ll spend a lot of time trying to get your head around it, and being ridiculed by the experts on github and elsewhere. I’ve learned that no toolchain can be too complicated because the drive for prestige and job security is too strong. Eventually you’ll discover the Easter egg in Git: all meaningful operations can be expressed in terms of the rebase command. Once you figure that out it all makes sense. I thought the joke would be obvious: rebase, freebase, as in what was Linus smoking? But programmers are an earnest and humorless crowd and the gag was largely lost on them.

    TP
    What do you think of github?

    Linus
    It started as a place for mothballing unmaintained and unnecessary projects, and that is still most of what is hosted there. But it’s turned into a kind of World of Warcraft universe for programmers, where they are ranked by their commits and which projects they have trunk privileges on. I read about a recruiting company built around the idea that github reputation means something, so I guess if you aren’t committing to github you won’t be getting a job at the coolest startups. The good old days of writing FizzBuzz and moving Mt. Fuji during your interview are over.

    TP
    It sounds like you’ve soured a little on Git.

    Linus
    The first Git For Dummies and Git Visual Quickstart books are going to be out in a couple of months, and that is the beginning of the end as far as I’m concerned. Those books mean the end of git expertise and github reputation as reliable indicators of geek status. Once a technology is adopted by the masses the extreme geeks find something more esoteric. Look at what happened to Ruby on Rails. The people stumbling their way through Rails to-do list tutorials have never even heard of DHH.

    TP
    So what’s next?

    Linus
    I’m not sure. It’s getting hard to predict the next technology fashion. I have a text editor I’ve been using myself that is so complicated it makes VIM look like Notepad — maybe I’ll release that.

    Linus finished his coffee and had to leave. I appreciate his time and for making me think about Linux and Git in new ways.
     
  43. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    Guy walks into a coffee shop in Portland, Oregon and sits down with a fresh cup of coffee. The cell phone on the table starts ringing.

    He answers it on speaker, "Hello?"

    "Hi honey, you know that cruise I've been wanting to take? Well our travel agent just called and she says the price drops from $18,500 to $16,000 during the week of your business trip to New York. I hope you don't mind but I booked it for myself. You aren't angry are you?"

    "Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy" the man answered. "In fact, go ahead and book the 30-day cruise." She squealed with excitement and thanked him profusely.

    They said their goodbyes and everyone in the coffee shop had gone stone quiet, listening to the conversation on speaker. The man closed the phone, looked around at all the people starting at him and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

    ________
     
  44. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  45. rk_sports

    rk_sports Hall of Fame

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    ah haha! ..that is freaking unreal...
    right at the end is the killer... "..no one won the race! oh!..no! its the beginning" 8)
     
  46. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    haha yeah, its a good vid to get your friends to try to watch without laughing...And I don't think that was really Tim Henman on the team GB boat was it?
     
  47. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Nope, and nor was it Steven Spielberg, lol.
     
  48. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    hahaha. I loved how he called them "idgiots"
     
  49. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    People should start calling vets Dogtors.
     
  50. kimbahpnam

    kimbahpnam Hall of Fame

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