Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Q: Why does a fart have odor?

    A: For the benefit of the deaf!
     
  2. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

    :D
     
  3. PSNELKE

    PSNELKE Legend

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  4. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Save any further quality put-downs for your good buddy, Sureshs! Now, by looking at my watch, I have already spent too much time with you! :)
     
  5. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Q: When is the honeymoon officially over?

    A: When a "quickie before dinner" refers to a drink!
     
  6. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    [​IMG]

    That;s actually who I had in mind, but did not wanna offend anyone. :D
     
  7. Hood_Man

    Hood_Man Legend

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  8. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    ^^^Her bikini & bicycle color-coordinate so well!

    BTW, I have often wished for reincarnation as an inanimate object, such as her bicycle seat.
     
  9. krz

    krz Professional

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    hahahaha I seriously took me a good 30 seconds to see godzilla...
     
  10. hollywood9826

    hollywood9826 Semi-Pro

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    Thats the 5th time i looked at it and didnt see godzilla until you mentioned he was actully in there.

    That reminds me of the time I went and saw the CN Tower.

    [​IMG]
     
  11. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Is her butt in the wrong place :confused:
     
  12. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    You may believe that's the CN Tower...actually I had to lie down after meeting her somewhere beyond the background horizon!
     
  13. Tammo

    Tammo Banned

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    This coffee tastes like mud, it must have been ground this morning.
     
  14. I Heart Thomas Muster

    I Heart Thomas Muster Semi-Pro

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    A guy is playing a round of golf with his buddies at his club while his wife is in the clubhouse playing cards with the rest of the wives. On the 18th hole the guy hits his ball behind a tool shed for the greens keeper. As he's preparing to punch out onto the fairway his caddy tells him "Wait! I'll open the doors on both sides, take a 4 iron and punch a low runner onto the green and you're putting for birdie".

    The golfer considers it and pulls out the four iron, places the ball in the back of the stance and hits a sweet low runner which clears the first doors and is about to clear the second set when it nicks the edge, shoots of to the clubhouse, breaks through the window and strikes his wife in the temple killing her instantly.

    About a year later the golfer decides it's time to play golf again finds himself on the 18 hole behind the same tool shed. As he's about to punch out the caddy tells him "I'll open both sets of doors, you take a 4 iron and punch a low runner onto the green and save yourself a stroke." The golfer looks at the caddy incredulously and says "Are you crazy?? Last time I tried that shot I got a quadruple bogey!"
     
  15. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  16. Kot_Bigemot

    Kot_Bigemot Semi-Pro

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    LOVE IT!!!!
     
  17. Hood_Man

    Hood_Man Legend

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    If Abu Hamza gets the eletric chair, could he stick his hook up in the air and pretend he's a bumper car?
     
  18. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Were we in the US able to reduce our import/export gap a bit by unloading a few used "Old Sparky" models to the UK???
     
  19. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A planet doesn't explode of itself," said dryly The Martian Astronomer, gazing off into the air: "That they were able to do it is proof that highly Intelligent beings must have been living there."
    - John Hall Wheelcock,"Earth"
     
  20. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    LISP = List of Irritating Parantheses
     
  21. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  22. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    This post qualifies as a random joke! Romney/Ryan...Road to Ruin!
     
  23. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  24. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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  25. Hood_Man

    Hood_Man Legend

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  26. krz

    krz Professional

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  27. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  28. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    "Hey, NASCAR fans, whatever happened to Dick Trickle? Seems like he kind of petered out..."

    Actually, according to Wikipedia, he's 71 years old, which pretty much explains it, in more ways than one.

    Actually, I'm not so much offering this gem of humor as trying to bait Sentinel into reviving this poor thread. I poked around the forum a little and learned he's been concentrating on finding a lost dog, certainly more important than fooling around on-line. Hope it goes well.
     
  29. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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  30. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    This thread has temporarily moved to suresh's (excellent) tips on giving tips thread.

    btw. I searched far and wide for 5-6 weeks but had to call it off since parents are not well and need a lot of looking after. Unable to get out of the house.

    Leelord, i came back to check your sig. Best sig forever.
     
  31. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    ^^^ Was that the reason for your absence?
     
  32. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    Thank you Senti! :^) you've got the best avatars ever. Glad to cya back.

    Sorry about the family prob, and hope things clear up fast.
     
  33. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Well, its Alzheimers, so it only gets worse by the day. No hope.

    Yes, suresh. That dog is very dear to me, and everything took a back seat for me. I am still trying to accept it. Your post about early morning stuff in that tips thread cracked me up!
     
  34. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    [​IMG]

    trolling at its finest
     
  35. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

    One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

    "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"
     
  36. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    The following bumper sticker seen today made me LOL!

    Driver carries no cash...he's married!
     
  37. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A HR Manager, His male Assistant, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Travelling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends... The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark... Suddenly There Is A Kissing Sound And Then A Slap !!!

    ... The Train Comes Out Of The Tunnel... The Women And The Assistant Are Sitting There Looking Perplexed... The Manager Is Bending Over Holding His Face, Which Is Red From An Apparent Slap. All Of Them Remain Diplomatic And Nobody Says Anything... The Old Woman Is Thinking : These Managers Are All Crazy After Girls. He Must Have Kissed My Daughter In The Tunnel. Very Proper That She Slapped Him... The Young Girl Is Thinking : The Manager Must Have Tried To Kiss Me But Kissed My Mother Instead And Got Slapped... The Manager Is Thinking : Damn It... My Assistant Must Have Kissed The Young Girl. She Might Have Thought It Was Me And Slapped Me...

    Now Guess What The Assistant Is Thinking... Now Hold Your Breath And Read What The Assistant Is Thinking...

    If This Train Goes Through Another Tunnel I Will Make Another Kissing Sound And Slap My Manager Again... The idiot Keeps Harassing Me In The Office
     
  38. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    I've been looking for that "Evolution of a tennis player" pic somebody on tt posted a while back where they have Nadal as the neanderthal....then it progresses to Federer as the most recent :). I wishhh I could find it...

    ----
    and for today's joke:

    A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
    At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
    He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
    The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2013
  39. BHiC

    BHiC Rookie

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    ^^^^ Very funny Leelord, but there is no way that stays on here very long.
     
  40. krz

    krz Professional

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    [​IMG]

    Not sure if this is real since, the 20% is calculated incorrectly. But, I do wonder if this is possible.
     
  41. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    A guy's in a doctor's office and the doctor says "I've got some bad news: you have cancer and Alzheimer's" and the guy says: "Thank God I don't have cancer!"
     
  42. bluegrasser

    bluegrasser Hall of Fame

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    A guy studying for the ministry goes into the mountains for a time of fasting & prayer, suddenly he's approached by a large bear. The fellow begins running w/ the bear in hot pursuit, then climbs a tree and prays " Lord I pray this bear is a believer," the bear shakes the tree with the young fellow falling in the bears arms, the bear looks up to heaven and prays :" Lord I thank you for this food and pray you bless it in ' Jesus name."
     
  43. Bdarb

    Bdarb Hall of Fame

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    The manhattan project was an attempt to reproduce the Power of chuck Norris's round house kick... They failed.

    Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

    Just rediscovered these today, never gets old haha
     
  44. krz

    krz Professional

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    Why are there jokes about Bruce Lee?

    Because Bruce Lee ain't no joke.

    (This joke assumes you've seen Return of the Dragon)
     
  45. bluegrasser

    bluegrasser Hall of Fame

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    I have a pic of Bruce Lee & myself when I was 12 yrs old, he attended a Karate party for all the studios in SCal, when he pulled up in his trans am, I was in the parking lot with some of my buds & when Bruce stepped out, we all at once said 'Kato ! He was very gracious to take his pic w/ all of us.
     
  46. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  47. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  48. qwertre

    qwertre Rookie

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    What's the same about (insert friend's name here) and the communist ideology?

    They both have no class!!
     
  49. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    ^^lol at no middle/upper/lower class for communism
     
  50. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    http://www.newyorker.com/online/blo...ebook-unveils-new-waste-of-time.html?mobify=0

    MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Before a rapt audience at Facebook headquarters Thursday, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg unveiled new software that he promised “will totally change the way you are wasting your life.”
    Explaining the development of Facebook’s new phone software, Home, Mr. Zuckerberg said, “Our research showed that Facebook users still had a few hours a day when they were leading somewhat healthy and productive lives. Our new software will change all of that.”

    Mr. Zuckerberg said his developers had worked for months developing Home, “which seizes control of your phone and makes it good for little other than Facebook—much like many Facebook users themselves.”

    By bombarding the user with status updates on a twenty-four-hour basis, he boasted, “Home transforms Facebook from just a social network into something akin to a neurological disorder.”

    As the audience applauded that pronouncement, Mr. Zuckerberg added, “At Facebook, we want to be a million voices inside your head.”

    When one member of the audience worried whether Home would give Facebook even more access to private information about one’s life, Mr. Zuckerberg reassured the questioner, “After using Home for several weeks, you will have no life.”
    While clearly proud of his latest product, Mr. Zuckerberg gave notice that he did not intend to rest on his laurels: “At Facebook, we will never stop striving to replace real experience with something soulless and empty.”


    Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blo...-unveils-new-waste-of-time.html#ixzz2Ps6jnCcl
     

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