Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. Bobby Jr

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  4. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Speaking of stand-up geniuses, Bob Newhart is still going strong in his 80's and will make a rare guest appearance on tonight's episode of "The Big Bang Theory".

    He is close friends with Don Rickles, who gets on "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" from time to time. Still a tough daddy, that one!

    On a recent talk show, Newhart stated one of his daughters recently gave birth to his 10th grandchild in Seattle. Rickles was appearing at a nearby casino and took the daughter out for dinner. Newhart said his only wish was that his daughter's water should have broken while Rickles was dining her...imagine that hilarity if it had happened!
     
  5. Big boss.

    Big boss. New User

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    So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right? That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that changes all of his CNA (Cheerio DNA) into whichever type of cheerio that he wants. However, this machine performs a process that is extraordinarily painful, because that sort of thing would hurt. Anyway. He does it, and the normal flavored cheerio becomes a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, this girl cheerio hates him so much that she invents an identical machine and does the process on herself in order to become a cinnamon-apple cheerio, just so she can avoid this creeper. So, she does it. The boy cheerio is starting to get upset at this because he really wants her. So he tells himself that he will go through the pain for her, and becomes a cinnamon-apple cheerio. She then changes to a honey-nut cheerio! He decides that this is the last time that he will change cheerio type. He does it, and she changes one more time, into a normal cheerio - the kind he originally was. So he says out loud, "Okay, this is really the last time. If she changes again, I will just stay back with my family." So he becomes a normal cheerio again, and she doesn't change fast enough for him to put his moves on her. So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, they get there and dance intensely for a few hours. Finally, they get tired and she sends the boy cheerio to the milk bowl (you know, since it's a cereal dance, they have that and punch). He gets there and stands in line for ten minutes. Finally fed up at the really long line, he looks over at the bowl of punch and realizes there is no punch line.

    Read more: http://www.cracked.com/funny-4097-5-most-annoying-jokes-all-time/#ixzz2SHCIuhHc
     
  6. Big boss.

    Big boss. New User

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    There once was a 5 year-old boy. His name was Little Timmy. At his age it is time for him to attend kindergarten school. But young Timmy didn't want to go to school, and refused to his mother. In reply, little Timmy's mom said, "I'll tell you what. If you get straight A's in your classes each marking period, I will give you whatever you want.

    Little Timmy, loving his bargain, went straight to school that morning.

    That marking period, Little Timmy's mother checked his grades. To her enjoyment, she found he had gotten all A's. She then said to Little Timmy, "What do you want as your gift?"
    Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.

    He then said to his mother, "I want a Ping Pong ball."

    Puzzled, Little Timmy's mother agreed, and bought him a Ping Pong ball.
    The next marking period, Little Timmy had gotten A's again. His mother asked him again, "What do you want as your gift?"
    Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.

    He then said to his mother, "I want 2 Ping Pong balls."

    Puzzled still, Little Timmy's mother agreed, and bought him 2 Ping Pong balls.
    Throughout his time in Kindergarten, he requested more and more Ping Pong balls. On his final marking period, he had gotten straight A's once more. This time, Little Timmy wanted just 1 Ping Pong ball, painted red.

    Little Timmy's Mother went out and boguht him a red Ping Pong ball. Finally, she asked Little Timmy, "Why do you ask for so many Ping Pong balls?"
    Now, little Timmy thought a moment.

    He then said to his mother, "Give me until the end of Elementary school, and I will tell you."
    Hesitantly, his mother agreed. Throughout the course of the years of Elementary, he asked for a variety of colored ping pong balls. Some red, some yellow, some blue, some even black. On his final marking period of 4th grade, Little Timmy wanted 10 Ping Pong balls. 1 red, 2 green, 3 brown, and 4 grey.
    After giving him his gift, she then asked Little Timmy, "Why have you been asking for Ping Pong balls?"
    Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
    He then said, "Give me until the end of Middle School, and I will tell you."
    With a long sigh, she agreed.

    Throughout those years he excelled through his grades. He asked for big Ping Pong balls, small Ping Pong balls, but never regular shaped.
    Finally, his graduation to High School began. He asked for 50 white Ping Pong balls.
    After getting his balls, she asked him, "Why have always asked for Ping Pong balls?"
    Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
    He then said, "Give me until the end of High School, and I will tell you."
    Resentfully, she agreed.
    Years passed from then. Little Timmy asked for many different balls. Big blue ones, small brown ones, yellow broken ones, and white tiny ones.
    Little Timmy had now graduated from High School. He was given a scholorship to Harvard University. This time, he asked for just one Ping Pong ball.
    His mother got him the ball he wanted, and asked, "Why have you asked for Ping Pong balls all these years?!"
    Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
    He then said to his mother, "I will tell you. But let me tell my girl friend first.

    Happily, his mother Agreed.


    Little Timmy began crossing the street to his girl friend's house. Out of nowhere a truck ran him over, killing him.

    THE END
     
  7. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    cruel new poster warning
     
  8. Andyroo10567

    Andyroo10567 Professional

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    Mother of God.......
     
  9. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    ^^^DAMMIT, that left me hanging more than last season's Breaking Bad finale. :)
     
  10. 10s talk

    10s talk Semi-Pro

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    What do you call a women with one leg shorter than the other ?










    Eileen ........... I lean
     
  11. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    According to Hollywood folklore, a screen test report on Fred Astaire for RKO Radio Pictures, now lost along with the test, is reported to have read: "Can't sing. Can't act. Balding. Can dance a little." The producer of the Astaire-Rogers pictures, Pandro S. Berman, claimed he had never heard the story in the 1930s and that it only emerged years later.[19]:7 Astaire later insisted that the report had actually read: "Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances".[21] In any case, the test was clearly disappointing, and David O. Selznick, who had signed Astaire to RKO and commissioned the test, stated in a memo, "I am uncertain about the man, but I feel, in spite of his enormous ears and bad chin line, that his charm is so tremendous that it comes through even on this wretched test."

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Astaire
     
  12. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    Q:What do you call that same woman in Japan?

    A: Irene




    Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs at your front door?
    A: Matt

    Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your wall?
    A: Art

    Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in your pool?
    A: Bob

    Q: What's green & red and goes 150 mph?
    A: A frog in a Waring blender.

    Q: What do you call a midget psychic on the lam?
    A: A small medium at large.
     
  13. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    > Irene

    You are genius, man !!!
     
  14. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  15. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Q: what do you say to a hitchhiker on crutches?

    A: hop right in!

    Q: where do all servers and cooks on crutches work?

    A: IHOP!

    Q: Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

    A: bcoz she heard the "drinks were on the house"!
     
  16. hollywood9826

    hollywood9826 Semi-Pro

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    I guess to combine all the no arms no legs jokes and Sent link of the town.

    This guy was walking on the beach and came across a ladt sunbathing that had no arms and no legs. She says

    "Excuse me can you help me out real quick"
    "
    Sure"

    "You see I have no arms and no legs and you are a handsome guy. Ive have never been hugged by a man as handsome as you."

    So they guy gives her a hug and says good day

    "No no wait, hold on." The lady replies "Ive also never been kissed by a man so handsome as you."

    So the guy gives her a little kiss on the check

    "You can at least use some tongue." the lady says

    So he gives obliges and gives her a more passionate kiss and says his good byes.

    "One more thing the lady says. "I have never had sex with a handsome man before"

    So they picks her up and then walk over to the ocean and throws her in the water and says.

    "Now you're fugged"
     
  17. 10s talk

    10s talk Semi-Pro

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    Good Stuff !

    What did the fish say when it swam into a wall ?

    . damn
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2013
  18. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    ^^^ By explaining your jokes, you lessen their value :)
     
  19. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    For people like you, we need to explain jokes.
    :D
     
  20. Disgruntled Worker

    Disgruntled Worker Rookie

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    12 Norwegians try to **** a German girl. She yells, "Nein! Nein!" Three of them leave.
     
  21. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    ^^^ Please **** jokes are not funny and should not be tolerated
     
  22. 813wilson

    813wilson Rookie

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    Further to a few of these:

    A guy with no arms or legs waterskiing?
    Skip.

    Same guy in a ditch?
    Phil.

    Same guy next to a ditch?
    Doug.

    An epileptic in a leaf pile?
    Russell
     
  23. Sentinel

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  24. tusharlovesrafa

    tusharlovesrafa Hall of Fame

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    i wish someone could explain me these jokes.i don't find them funny..
     
  25. Disgruntled Worker

    Disgruntled Worker Rookie

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    Well, the amputee jokes aren't really funny anyway. For instance, a person without arms or legs resembles a rock so if he's water-skiing he would "Skip"-ing. If he was used to fill a landfill he would be "Phil"-ing. They're homophones.

    My joke about the 12 Norwegians wasn't really a joke so much as it was a dark observation and play on the German word "nien", which means "no" but also sounds like "nine". The "Norwegian" portion of the joke is actually unnecessary because their word for nine is "ni" (pronounced "nee")
     
  26. stringertom

    stringertom G.O.A.T.

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    Q: What does a man with a vasectomy and a Carnival cruise ship have in common?

    A: They're both full of useless semen/seamen!
     
  27. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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  28. Hood_Man

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  29. Hood_Man

    Hood_Man Legend

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    This never fails to make me cry with laughter :lol:

    [​IMG]
     
  30. Goosehead

    Goosehead Hall of Fame

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    ^^^THOSE FACESWAP PICS freaked me out..:shock: smudged out face :-?

    all of them, especially that staring man at the back who gets closer,,
     
  31. 10s talk

    10s talk Semi-Pro

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    What has the bottom at the top ?







    your leg
     
  32. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker ........ well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

    __________________
     
  33. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Smooth TALKER - I am sure you are one, DP :D
     
  34. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    Alcohol and Algebra don't mix.

    Never drink and derive!
     
  35. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    How 'bout Alcohol and Water Sports ?

    Never drink and dive ?
    :D
     
  36. jswinf

    jswinf Professional

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    Alcohol and jazz? No drinking and jiving.
     
  37. 10s talk

    10s talk Semi-Pro

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    what do you call a nose with nobody ?














    nobody knows
     
  38. Sentinel

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    Who is the famous artist with brown fingers?

    Picasso
     
  39. SuperDuy

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    rafa picasso
     
  40. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    I saw that coming :oops:
     
  41. Sentinel

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  42. Bdarb

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    one of the kids on my seventh grade soccer team threw this at me and I cracked up.

    Why doesn't Susie have any friends?
    Because she's dead.

    knock knock. Who's there?
    hopefully not Susie.
     
  43. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    A joke you can direct at a Tampa Bay Bucs fan:

    Knock, knock...Who's there?
    Owen....Owen who?
    0 & 4 sucka!..
     
  44. Bdarb

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    giants too? right hahha
     
  45. ChicagoJack

    ChicagoJack Hall of Fame

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    Two atoms walk into a bar...

    1st Atom : Hang on a minute, I think I'm missing an electron.
    2nd Atom : Are you sure?
    1st Atom : (Checks again) Yeah, I'm a positive.

    -Jack
     
  46. Bdarb

    Bdarb Hall of Fame

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    a neutron walks in a bar and asks the bartender the price of a drink and to which the bartender responds, "for you, no charge."
     
  47. ChicagoJack

    ChicagoJack Hall of Fame

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    Ha Ha love it. However, I told that joke once in a chemistry class. I failed to get a reaction.
     
  48. Bdarb

    Bdarb Hall of Fame

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    ..................
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2013
  49. Sentinel

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  50. Dedans Penthouse

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    A baby seal walks into a club.......
     

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