Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a tree and the tree became newspaper which had the title "Chuck Norris owns" on the front page.
    -Some people lose money to casinos, casinos lose money to Chuck Norris. All the time
    -Chuck Norris once beat Roddick 6-0 6-0 by just standing in the middle of the court and glaring at the ball. Roddick was so embarassed he skipped the 2008 olympics.
    -If you put "Chuck Norris" on your essay for the SAT you'll get 100%.
    -Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a whooper and it became a whooper jr.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2008
  2. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    oh, i just don't get chuck norris jokes :-(

    Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
    "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
    "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
    "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
    "Three? When were they?"
    "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
    "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
    "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
    "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
    "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
     
  3. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    A pastor in a small rural town used a bicycle as his method of transportation. You always knew where the pastor was if You saw his bike outside. On a typical day you might see if at the doctors office if he were comforting a parishoner who just received bad news, or at the cemetary if he were helping a family with funeral procedures, or just at the grocery store as he went about his normal business.

    One day the pastor's bicycle came up missing and he told his best friend he knew a sure way to get his bicycle back. He was going to preach on the 10 commandements on Sunday and especially talk about "thou shalt not steal" and whoever took my bike will feel so guilty my bike will show back up.

    After the Sunday service the pastors friend asked him why his sermon didn't mention the 10 commandments at all. "Well it was the funniest thing. I was sitting in my office working on my sermon to get my bicycle back and when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my bike!"
     
  4. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
    "Why?" asks the father.
    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3? I said '6'."
    "But that's right!"
    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
    "What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
    "That's what I said!"
     
  5. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
     
  6. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some Cyanide.'


    The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
    The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband'


    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'


    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different, you didn't tell me you had a prescription
     
  7. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'
     
  8. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
    "Breast fed," the woman replied.
    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
    Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
    "I know,"she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
     
  9. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
    The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
    The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
    After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
    The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
    Other bat says, "I didn't."
     
  10. game set match 46 TIMES!!

    game set match 46 TIMES!! Hall of Fame

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    these people are on a airplane.

    man: man i just love shooting animals all over the world.
    lady:what did you shoot?
    man: oh lots of things Gerraff,Tigers,Lions,Zebras etc.
    lady: what did you shoot them with?
    man: a canon :)
     
  11. NickC

    NickC Professional

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    Can I do jokes that one might consider to be vulgar, offensive, obscene and/or racist? I've got a bunch of those. Clean jokes, not so much, I don't have many that are clean and haven't been posted yet...
     
  12. Kaptain Karl

    Kaptain Karl Hall Of Fame

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    NO.

    - KK, Moderator
     
  13. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    Two boys are playing basketball. One of the boys tells the other "I bet you $20 I can shoot from the half-court"
    the other boy says "your on".
    So boy shoots from the half-court and say "wheres my money" the other boy says you "didnt make it" and the boy says "I know didnt, I just said I could shoot from the half-court, I never said I'd make it"
     
  14. Sentinel

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    A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

    A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

    The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
     
  15. vbranis

    vbranis Professional

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    10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2008
  16. Sentinel

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    ^^ very funny -- but your post's gonna be deleted very soon for that nice short word you used.

    vbranis, funny one about marrying the lawyer!
     
  17. vbranis

    vbranis Professional

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    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
    "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
    The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
    "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
    "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
    "A talking clock? How's it work?"
    "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
    The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
    "No," says the bum.
    The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
    Again the bum says, "No."
    So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
    Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".
    Blond Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.
    Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cyrus says: "Daddy, how was I born?"

    Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then, I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and there wasn't time to hit the delete button, so nine months later, a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!' "
     
  18. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    ahhahah, thats friggin hilarious, i pondered the stamp collector husband for a while until i got it, :p
     
  19. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    haha that was the funniest part. maybe the mods didnt get it :)
    Nice one about You Got Male.
     
  20. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
    "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
    "How long did it take you?"
    "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
     
  21. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    ^^^haha, thats pretty good
     
  22. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    What did the statue say to the other statue?
    -is tat ue?

    Why cant filipinos vote?
    -Cause they eat all the ballot or balut

    Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soap?
    -You can roast beef but you cant pee soup

    What did the white goat say to the black goat?
    -Eh goat or egot
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2008
  23. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?

    'Of course child. What may I do for you?

    'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,

    and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

    I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

    'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

    The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


    'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

    I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
     
  24. Kal-El 34

    Kal-El 34 Hall of Fame

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    money doesn't buy happiness...

    that phrase should end with "just kidding"
     
  25. Kal-El 34

    Kal-El 34 Hall of Fame

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    girls these days like to sum up their views by saying things like "im not religious, but im spiritual."

    I like to respond "hi, im not honest, but you're interesting."
     
  26. vbranis

    vbranis Professional

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    ROTFL, that was a great one, totally didn't see it coming. :lol:
     
  27. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

    Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

    Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

    "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

    "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

    Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

    She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

    And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
     
  28. ogruskie

    ogruskie Professional

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    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?


    None. Feminists can't change anything.
     
  29. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

    The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

    The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

    It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."
     
  30. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

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    I'm probably gonna get 'P.C.' hammered for this but...what the hell...

    Q: What's the difference between a feminist and a sperm whale?
    A: Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.



    I'm definitely gonna get hammered for this one:

    Q: What's the difference between Great White and Billy Joel?
    A: "We Didn't Start the Fire"
     
  31. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

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    Q: what did juan say when his roof fell on him?
    A: Get off me homes

    Q: Which pokemon has no fat?
    A: Butterfree

    Q: which pokemon looks at you while you change?
    A: Pikachu or peek-a-chu
     
  32. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

    Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

    Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

    The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

    Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

    Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

    By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

    And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
     
  33. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them
    when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

    Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared.
    He always used his standard response to the first question after winnng.

    But this time.....
    Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!

    Inzamam:
    All credit goes to the boys.
    Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi.
    It was tight situation when he went in.
    Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions.
    It's all team effort.
    Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result.

    Tony fainted!
     
  34. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "hey bartender, I'd like to buy a drink." the bartender replies to him "for you, no charge" :)
     
  35. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
    > A point of view.

    Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, > did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several
    > years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
    > customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
    > She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women
    > still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters'
    > vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
    > Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back
    > behind their husbands, and are happy tomaintain the old
    > custom.
    > Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
    > 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you
    > once tried so desperately to change?
    > 'The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes,
    > and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
     
  36. 0range

    0range Hall of Fame

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    ^ that's hilarious!
     
  37. westside

    westside Hall of Fame

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    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Absolute gold!
     
  38. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    (I hope my chinese friends wont be offended by this joke/poetry)

    CHINESE DETECTIVE's REPORT

    A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese
    detective... the cheapest one he could find.

    This is the Chinese detectives report...

    Most honorable sir!
    You leave house.
    I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
    house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He
    kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
    She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

    No fee,

    Thanks,
    Myong Chang Lee
     
  39. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    A teary eyed Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and tells the bartende he has lost his electron.

    "Are you sure?" The bartender asks.

    "I'm Positive." Replies the atom.

    J
     
  40. OroDeSantoro

    OroDeSantoro Rookie

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    H ell yeah! We need more science jokes...

    An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron cellmate, "What are you in for?" To which the latter replied, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

    Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
    ...Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!


    ::baddum ching::
     
  41. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

    Nothing, you can't cross a scalar and a vector.

    J
     
  42. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

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    haha, i got the first one from the game i'm playing now on 360, fallout 3. btw, good ones oro :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  43. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

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    Craig Ferguson on The Late Show...

    "Come on America, pick a side. You fall in love with "Dancing with the Stars" but you vote against gay marriage.

    You can't have it both ways."
     
  44. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
    Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
     
  45. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Location:
    Somewhere over the rainbow
    A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
    The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
    Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
    He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
    She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
     
  46. kairosntx

    kairosntx Professional

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    932
    Location:
    Keller, TX
    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
    "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years,
    whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel
    drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
    the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
    They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last words
    of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh** !"
    Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma,
    Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and
    Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my
    beer, ya'll watch this."
     
  47. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2008
    Messages:
    30,451
    Location:
    Somewhere over the rainbow
    PG-13

    A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

    He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

    As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."

    ''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.

    ''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.

    So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''
     
  48. Dedans Penthouse

    Dedans Penthouse Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2004
    Messages:
    4,074
    Location:
    Antarctica
    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

    He didn't have the guts.
     
  49. Leelord337

    Leelord337 Hall of Fame

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    3,911
    Location:
    univ houston courts
    ^^^omg, thats so funny lolirl

    Photons have mass? i didn't know they were catholic.
     
  50. ChuDat

    ChuDat Professional

    Joined:
    May 21, 2007
    Messages:
    1,453
    This is so wrong. Good one though
     

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