Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by Leelord337, Nov 21, 2007.
I'm starting to think someone isn't impressed by red-blooded American values...
Might have to explain this joke to @sureshs
Two morbidly obese people walk into a Walmart.
Hugh Heffner is so old that he doesn't get erections anymore. His penis just gets rigor mortis.
Huge chance the rifle and the rifleman will be embowered in a haze of molten lava in gaseous state flown direct from the effervescent Uranus.
Roger lost to Djokovic in 3 consecutive grandslam finals.
Is that a joke?
Walking down the road the other day with my wife, and we saw her mother getting beaten up by six burly men.
She turned to me asked "aren't you going to step in and help?"
I said "No......six of them should be enough".
Dedicated to suresh
What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast?
A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'
A cute joke in the Aussie signs thread should be reviewed if you want a good chuckle.
A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?'
He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'
Chuck Norris once took a p1$$ on a truck...that truck is now Optimus Prime.
I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.'
I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
LeeDF and sureshs are in a bidding war for The Slapping Robot!
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
I thought dinosaurs had become extinct millions of years ago. Are you sure this is not some CGI dino ?
Looks almost real to me. Or did you photoshop it from Jurassic Park onto a toilet ?
Indeed! It's a Fatassaurus Rex. But it's far from extinct. It's one of the most abundant specimens of the McDonalds Era.
I saw a brontosaurus shopping at Whale Foods yesterday. He was trying to squeeze through the Blubber Aisle of the Health section. His trolley was full of bagels which made me wonder.
Feminism is out of control. Sureshs just texted me and he said his wife always keeps the AC running to discourage him from taking his shirt off.
Best said in a thick Jamaican accent:
Bob the rasta is throwing a party at the weekend with a fancy dress theme where everybody has to come dressed as an emotion.
Two of Bob's oldest and dearest friends Marvin and Leroy turn up at the party together both completely naked save for a pear around Marvin's member and a bowl of custard strapped around Leroy's nether region.
They turn up at Bob's house and press the bell and Bob comes out to greet his guests and is mortified by what they are wearing. "Guys what are you doing? I've got ladies in the house, you can't come in like this."
Where upon Marvin replies "Bob, you told us to come as emotions and I am f*cking dis-pear and Leroy is f*cking dis-custard."
A man buys a ticket from London to Glasgow but it is vital that he gets off at Carlisle. He goes in search of the inspector and explains that it is a matter of life and death that he gets off at Carlisle and that the inspector should throw him off the train if necessary! It's a long journey and our passenger falls asleep and when he wakes he realises that he has missed the stop for Carlisle.
He goes to find the inspector and starts ranting and raving at the man. The inspector says "you sir certainly have a colourful and fruity language, but it is nothing compared to the man I threw off at Carlisle."
Because he didn't Node how to Express himself
An unknown exception prevented this post from being shown.
Please update Java to the latest version.
The reason you couldn't see my post is because you can't C#.
A man goes to a doctor and complains that his legs have turned blue. The doctor advises surgery at once to prevent anything from spreading, and cuts off both his legs. The man is fitted with prosthetic feet and leaves.
Then he comes back after a few days and shows the prosthetic feet to the doctor. They have turned blue. The doctor says: stop wearing those cheap blue jeans whose color rubs off.
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
I started reading this, and it definitely strikes some chords. Programming is madness, for the most part, when you are programming a large project where multiple people are involved. Very true.
I honestly don't know how the people that design software that handles life sustaining systems (medical software, air control, nuclear reactors) do it, to tell you the truth. Maybe the process is different (less people, less guessing, more QA)?
Your delivery needs more spray.
Hint: Don't use the word "whose" in a joke.
A Russian a Texan and a New Yorker are all dining in a London restaurant together.
A waiter come over and says "Excuse me, but there is a shortage of steak on the menu tonight, so it may be better to choose something else".
The Russian says "what's a steak?"
The Texan says "what's a shortage"?
The New Yorker says "what's an excuse me?"
Sureshs overhears the conversation from an adjacent table and says: "Waiter, bring me another 25 steaks, because I'm already done with the ones you brought me earlier!"
Dude, I'm tellin' ya, you're the GOAT at Sureshs jokes.
In the version i read as a kid, all three replied, "We already knew there would be a food shortage the moment we saw sureshs sitting nearby". Usually the moment suresh enters, the restaurants put up a "Closed, out of stock" sign on the door. The customers already inside get a refund and leave quietly with their food in a doggie bag, lest suresh grab their plates.
You are no slouch at suresh jokes, either.
Smart owners of AYCE buffets in The Poobs' neighborhood have put their buildings on those trucks that move houses to new locations. As soon as the GPS signals on the sureshsmobile sound his approach, they order their driver to "evacuate" the building. Profits are back up now.
Separate names with a comma.