Samster vs. Saram: Rise of a Tennessee Titan

Discussion in 'Adult League & Tournament Talk' started by samster, Mar 2, 2009.

  1. samster

    samster Legend

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    AP/Router News (March 2, 2009)

    From Nashville, TN:

    Currey Tennis Center reported today that Samster vs. Saram will be slated for for Spring 2009 when the wintry storm passes Middle Tennesse sometime in the near future. Both hail from the state of Tennessee, home of Jack Daniels, country music, and of course, the Titans. Speaking of titans, our local correspondant caught up with Samster at Five Guys this afternoon catching a late afternoon snack.

    [​IMG]

    Speaking confidently as he poured ketchup on the freshly-made little bacon cheeseburgers, Samster stated that he was not worried too much about the matchup. "Like Federer, I don't really work on my weaknesses. Most days I don't practice at all." (See http://www.xpress4me.com/sport/uae/tennis/20012102.html)

    "I don't really know much about this Saram guy or what he has been up to lately. We (the Nashville crew) last heard he was dating some hot southern belle before he disappeared from the boards for several months."

    "All the sudden he reappears at TTW claiming he can wield a NCode 6.1 Tour 90 is just quite unbelievable."

    "As far as I am concerned, any racket < 93 sq. in. head requires daily practice and an NTRP level of at least 5.0, according to certain experts at TTW, or else risking injuries. I am sure he [Saram] is just talking smack. The man is probably using a paint job."

    Questioned about whether if he was slightly overconfident, Samster remarked:
    "Come on, at my last Exo I had to fly out to California with limited equipment (ie. one single racket) and almost pulled out a win." [ See Samster vs. Skraggle Exo I at http://tt.tennis-warehouse.com/showthread.php?t=182333 ]

    "This time I won't make the same mistake, I plan to bring enough rackets to fit in my three TW 9-racket bags!"
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2009
    #1
  2. samster

    samster Legend

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    Bag check coming soon, folks!
     
    #2
  3. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    If you don't see me in the crowds, I am the guy in the German Shepherd Samster Mascot costume!

    J
     
    #3
  4. samster

    samster Legend

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    speaking of which...it's time to study J011yroger's second serve videos at Vimeo.com
     
    #4
  5. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    #5
  6. saram

    saram Legend

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    samster--are you the reason the Associated Press interviewed me tonight? Following practice tonight, they hounded me and posed questions to me regarding your questioning my new form. Let me check the wires and locate and quote the questioning that occurred tonight....
     
    #6
  7. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    Very simple, put it up just a hair behind your head, and take a rip at it.

    I find that more than any technical thing, that the 2nd serve is about belief, and clarity.

    J
     
    #7
  8. samster

    samster Legend

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    hey, at least they didn't catch you at Five Guys.
     
    #8
  9. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    Oh, and during your practice, the gangly guy in the repairman's outfit with the spy camera. . . That was me.

    J
     
    #9
  10. samster

    samster Legend

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    yes, JRog will send me the high speed video for me to analyze your veakness and exploit it. (while I enjoy my Jim Beam).
     
    #10
  11. samster

    samster Legend

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    Now I just need to get my Xbox to read the secret DVD. But let me take out my Topspin 3 disc first.
     
    #11
  12. saram

    saram Legend

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    Wait until you see where they caught me. Searching the wires now for the interview :)
     
    #12
  13. samster

    samster Legend

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    thinking too much about the second serve is a bad thing...
     
    #13
  14. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    For me, it isn't a big deal if I spend a moment, and gather my thoughts, and clear my mind, just to make sure I can see the ball go up, and be able to only concentrate on that.

    But thinking about "Oh man, if I miss this serve, I will lose the game, and be down 4-5 and he can serve for the set." Yea. . . That is bad.

    J
     
    #14
  15. saram

    saram Legend

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    AP/Reuters
    10pm CST Tennessee

    Following the bold remarks of Samster concerning his upcoming XO match with Saram, reporter Joe Blow found Saram at an undisclosed Sonic drive-in and interviews him as Saram stuffed his face with chili fries and three chili and cheese covered hotdogs followed by a Diet Coke and three shakes...

    Joe Blow: Saram are you aware of the recent and blold statements Samster has directed your way?

    Saram: Yeah, but the guy's diet sucks. I mean look where they found him: Five Guys? I mean, come on...

    Joe Blow: But Saram, you're at Sonic stuffing your face with chili and cheese dogs, fries, shakes, etc.

    Saram: Joe, did you not see the Diet Coke?

    Joe Blow: Saram, that does not offset the 4,000 other calories you consumed tonight.

    Saram: Next topic, Joe--or this interview is over.

    Joe Blow: Okay. Fair enough. What have you been doing to train? Samster claims you are yielding a new weapon that is only a weapon in the hands of a decent tennis player. Have you taken yourself to that level? Can you yield the stick that took Roger Federer to double digits in Slam titles?

    Saram: Hold your horses, Joe. He said what?!

    Joe Blow: Yes, he says when you left TTW you were some little whimp chasing skirt and never returned. Then, he said you returned claiming to be using Roger's stick and you're like on the pro tour or something.

    Saram: Hmmm...I was not aware of this--but I will address it.

    Joe--look at me. I'm not a big guy. I'm like Rochus on roids or Gaudio on a diet. But, it took me about 400 visits to this Sonic to get the internal mass to yield this stick. I don't have the height nor strength to yield the same stick as Roger--very few do. But, taking that into concern, I decided to frequent this Sonic, come in for a drive, and stuff my face until I had the mass to yield the mass--if that makes sense.

    Joe Blow: So you really haven't been on the courts at all perfecting your game and working on your strokes and fitness?

    Saram: Heck no. I've been siting at this joint, stuffing my face, holding this racket as motivation, curly fry after curly fry, shake after shake and putting in the hard yards here at the drive-in for preparation.

    Joe Blow: Are you aware he has been working with and will probably bring a racket somewhere in the area of 360 grams?

    Saram: Dude, I eat 380 grams of fat for breakfast--I'm not concerned one bit.

    Joe Blow: Are you aware of the fact that he is working with his Player Development Program right now with the likes of Jolly, Craig, and various others just like Verdasco while he drinks his Jim Beam?

    Saram: Bro--like I said--I'm not concerned at all. He can take his top-shelf whiskey and enjoy it. I've got my three cases of Milwaukee's Best right here and I'm working on my own 'player development'. I mean--you don't get a gut like this without developing it--no?

    Joe Blow: Speaking of "top-shelf"... You are aware that the players and coaches you mentioned (CC, Jolly, etc.) are top-shelf players? I mean CC is reported as being a strong 5.0. Jolly has like 400 rackets all weighing over 400 grams. They are speaking of and working with video analysis of Samster's game right now as we speak.

    Saram: Yeah, I'm aware of the fact that if you put Samster and Jolly's stick collection together they weigh and cost more than my car--and I have video analysis as well.

    Joe Blow: What type of video analysis do you do and work on?

    Saram: Well, I've got my favorites: Stripes, Porky's, Airplane, National Lampoon's Vacation, and some others I can't really mention as I bought them late at night around the corner. Very motivational stuff.

    Joe Blow: You know we photographed you tonight at your undisclosed and private facility. We noticed some radical equipment. You definitely don't look the part of the professional tennis player. Are you worried? Are you intimidated by Samster's camp of professionals surrounding him? Are you hungry for the victory?

    Saram: Look, I have to get back to my shake and fries and then head home and train with Milwaukee's Best--but I'll tell you this. I'm not scared. That Jolly guy may kick my butt, and that CC guy may be as good as they say, and I may play with Forten Nylon in my new sticks, etc. I may have to use Shoe Goo to preserve my shoes for another four years or so. But the one thing I am--is hungry. I mean real hungry. Now, get lost Joe so I can finish my dog and chili fries...

    And, Saram did. He actually ate another three dogs and two orders of chili/cheese fries as we edited this interview.

    Below, is an image of Saram practicing at his undisclosed location:

    [​IMG]
     
    #15
  16. saram

    saram Legend

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    #16
  17. moonbat

    moonbat Semi-Pro

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    That sounds like a magic formula to me. Thanks, J011y!
     
    #17
  18. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    You know all there is to know about tennis, so there's no sense us going down that same old road again.

    To beat this guy, you need speed - you don't have it. And your knees can't take the pounding, so hard running is out. And you got arthritis in your neck, and you've got calcium deposits on most of your joints, so practice sets are out.

    So, what we'll be calling on is good ol’ fashion blunt force trauma. Horsepower. Heavy-duty, cast-iron, piledriving shots that will have to hurt so much they'll rattle his ancestors. Every time you hit him with a serve, it's gotta feel like he tried returninging the express train.

    Yeah!

    Let's start building some hurtin' bombs!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ2UVRLBkTs&feature=related

    J
     
    #18
  19. samster

    samster Legend

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    #19
  20. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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  21. samster

    samster Legend

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    One must rise for the occasion; not so bad with Jack Daniels chasing it.
     
    #21
  22. saram

    saram Legend

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    You've summed up my health quite nicely here, Jolly--thus the reason for bringing out the n90's....Like Obi Wan...they're my only hope :)
     
    #22
  23. samster

    samster Legend

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    Just FYI, we will be playing on one of these three surfaces: hard court, grass, or clay. Hope this info helps for your preparation.
     
    #23
  24. saram

    saram Legend

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    Helps significantly! Glad we have narrowed it down :)
     
    #24
  25. saram

    saram Legend

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    AP/Reuters
    3/3/09
    1:54pm

    Saram, citing mono, bad back, and bad knees withdrew from Davis Cup play earlier this morning.

    When asked about how this will affect his XO with the infamous samster, he replied; "I'm not really worried about it. The doctors have told me to eat well and get lots of rest. So, I'm heading out to the Sonic drive in for some chili dogs and chili fries. I'll take them home and watch my box set of Rocky movies and all should be well come Spring".
     
    #25
  26. samster

    samster Legend

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    ESPN.com

    As reported earlier today at its website...Samster has been training with a frying pan to really emphasize the important of finding the sweetspot.

    "The key to making the perfect omelette requires evenly heating the frying pan. This translates to tennis perfectly; you want to hit the ball square on or evenly if you will. It really is mind over matter."

    When told that there's been report of mononucleosis hampering his opponent's ability to complete in the upcoming Davis Cup, Samster replied "Mono? Are you sure it's not SARS or the Avian Flu H5N1? I heard those things are floating around again. No?"

    "I don't make excuses about not being able to compete or losing. It takes a real phat man to accept losing as part of being a true champion. Like I said, if I had one or two more extra rackets when I played my Exo with Skraggle last year, the outcome would have been entirely different. Not to mention I was wearing worn-out New Balance shoes. I digress, but you get the point."

    "My recent contract and subsequent outfits and shoes with Nike and Asics have dramatically improved my on-court movement. I want to thank my sponsors for the nanotechnology they applied into my equipment. I want to thank Boris Becker and Jessica Simpson personally for demonstrating that it is okay to be out of shape once in a while. Society's fixation on thinness is just outrageous. A man or woman has a right to some insulation in these weather conditions."
     
    #26
  27. BounceHitBounceHit

    BounceHitBounceHit Legend

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    ESPN.com (The TOTAL Sports Website) 3/3/09, 1604

    ESPN.com tennis analyst Annette Stopslaglori reports strange stirrings in the Middle Tennessee area, where the infamous 'Saram' of TTW fame has been spotted at a Red Cross Donation Center last frequented by vintage rock'n'roll veterans Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. A source inside the Red Cross, who declined to be identified, stated the 39 year old tennis prodigy had come to the organization seeking a total blood replacement/transfusion, apparently in the (vain?) hope of banishing the symptoms of mononucleosis prior to a highly publicized exhibition match with fellow TTW Legend, and frying pan conniseur, Samster. Said our source, "Saram was referred to our consulting psychiatrist, as he seemed rather dazed and confused. But upon learning our consultant, a Nashville practicioner, was also a tennis player, he quickly regressed, muttering somewhat paranoid intimations that the consultant was 'training the opposition' or might 'try to sabotage' his efforts." "We at the Red Cross wish Saram the very best in regaining his physical, and mental, health."
     
    #27
  28. shell

    shell Professional

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    Them's fightin words, Saram! I think that Nashville crew just called you crazy :shock: Now pull yourself away from the Sonic and go hit a few balls. A few can't hurt.....
     
    #28
  29. saram

    saram Legend

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    It would not be the first time someone has called me crazy :)
     
    #29
  30. saram

    saram Legend

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    ESPN.com
    3/3/09

    Following a controversial visit to a Red Cross center in Middle Tennessee, Saram was spotted training under the lights at an undisclosed training facility. His new found form and overnight transformation to his physique raises several questions as to what occurred earlier today at the RC. Some speculate a connection with A-Rod, his cousin, over the counter products and possibly a Balko connection. Further speculation arose when former baseball greats Bonds and Maguire showed up at the training facility joining Saram in the weight room.

    Saram declined all comments and directed reporters to his new agents at IMG whom also declined any comments and stated a press conference would be held later this week or over the weekend.

    The image below raises great concern.

    ~journalist Joe Blow contributed to this article as well as various staff from the undisclosed training facility who asked to remain anonymous.

    Saram:
    [​IMG]
     
    #30
  31. samster

    samster Legend

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    I plan to bring two AG 100s for this special event just in case my batspeed slows during the first set.
     
    #31
  32. jayserinos99

    jayserinos99 Hall of Fame

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    That's what I'm talking about.
     
    #32
  33. saram

    saram Legend

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    You've already doubled the amount of sticks I plan on bringing. I'm already in trouble :)
     
    #33
  34. samster

    samster Legend

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    Desperate times call for desperate measures, Sir.
     
    #34
  35. saram

    saram Legend

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    How many sticks are you planning on bringing? Are you going to be showing up with your "jolly bag"?
     
    #35
  36. J011yroger

    J011yroger G.O.A.T.

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    My service speed has dramatically increased since I began the regimine of injecting a combination of Redbull, Elephant Semen, and Wild Turkey 101, into my shoulder.

    J
     
    #36
  37. saram

    saram Legend

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    Duly noted and logged into my training journal. Thanks for the tip. That Balko cream is expensive.
     
    #37
  38. shell

    shell Professional

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    Ahhhh, the secret weapon :) In that case, no further training is required.
     
    #38
  39. samster

    samster Legend

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    Don't worry, you just need to bring one racket. I will bring several WEED Z-One35 for you to use when your N6.1 Tour string breaks.


    Check out the specs of the WEED:


    Weed Z-ONE35 Tennis Racquet


    The Weed Z-ONE35 offers one of the largest sweetspots available on the market today. The 28mm widebody cross-section creates a very solid feel at ball impact, almost anywhere on the racquet face. The super-oversized head, combined with the quickness of the ultra-light weight and the 27 inch length, make volleying a snap (and groundstrokes, and serves, and overheads, and half volleys...).

    NOTE: Due to the headsize of this racquet (and length of string required), any string upgrades will incur a charge for an additional set of string.

    Racquet Specifications
    Headsize: 135 sq. in.
    Length: 27.00 in.
    Weight (strung): 9.75 oz.
    Stiffness (Babolat RDC): 67
    Balance: 14.27 in. Head Heavy
    Cross Section: 28mm Beam
    Swingweight: 314kg*sq. cm
    String Pattern: 18x21
    Grip: Weed Cushion
     
    #39
  40. saram

    saram Legend

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    ^^Your kindness did not go without notice, Sir :)
     
    #40
  41. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    I assure you, those elephantine nipples that develop a week later, do dramatically bring down your court coverage.
     
    #41
  42. samster

    samster Legend

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    If you use Weed, you would be smoking!!! :)
     
    #42
  43. saram

    saram Legend

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    HAHA! They're testing on the tour now, no?
     
    #43
  44. saram

    saram Legend

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    Seeking intel

    ESPN.com

    Reportedly, Saram and his camp are willing to purchase any and all known information about the legendary 'samster' in regards to gaining and edge in their Spring XO.

    Top dollar is said to be paid.

    If you see this man, disclose any and all information for cash:

    [​IMG]
     
    #44
  45. saram

    saram Legend

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    Samster--how long have you been hitting with those K90's?
     
    #45
  46. samster

    samster Legend

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    Off and on for about 1 year
     
    #46
  47. samster

    samster Legend

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    In fact, my first K90 I got was right before the Samster Vs. Skraggle Exo last year.
     
    #47
  48. saram

    saram Legend

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    How long did it take to adjust? And what were your previous 59 rackets?
     
    #48
  49. saram

    saram Legend

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    I'm over it...
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2009
    #49
  50. Sentinel

    Sentinel Bionic Poster

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    Saram,

    The one hander community is backing you on this. DjokoFan4life can personally coach you if you wish.

    Let's kick azz.
     
    #50

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