*Sticky* 2009 Unofficial Rules of the WTA.....

Discussion in 'General Pro Player Discussion' started by Shaolin, Apr 1, 2009.

  1. Shaolin

    Shaolin Hall of Fame

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    1) If lower ranked WTA player happens to win first set, said player shall ALWAYS choke and give away the match, preferably in an extremely shocking fashion.

    2) Regardless of ranking between players, any WTA player who is up a break in the final set of a match shall immediately relinquish such advantage, preferably in a startling flurry of double-faults and unforced errors, with higher ranked player inevitably prevailing in a long, drawn out set or tiebreak instead.

    3) One, if not both, WTA players shall need to be suffering from extreme internal emotional issues and/or confidence issues relating to their serve and/or ball toss.

    4) Handshakes, no matter the outcome, quality or length of a match, must be performed with the LEAST sincerity possible. Hands shall not touch for less than .5 second and hands must be held out as limply as possible, as to resemble a wet dishrag. Eye contact during handshake is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.*

    *Exception: French players may do whatever they want, including kissing etc during handshake, because they are French.

    5) Punch-volleys are strictly prohibited in any situation. All volleys, regardless of difficulty or proximity to the net, shall be swung at with equal or greater force than a groundstroke from ten feet behind the baseline. Swinging volleys shall be hit as close to the line as possible, especially on game or match points.

    6) Grunting: Grunting will be BANNED by Dec. 1st, 2009. Players must be upgraded to either shrieking or full-out screaming status by this date or face strict WTA sanctions.
     
    #1
  2. deltox

    deltox Hall of Fame

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    I L O L'd

    10
     
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  3. Mansewerz

    Mansewerz Legend

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    7)Each player must be broken at least once per set.

    A serious rule I would love

    8) If the match is not done within an hour, then whoever is ahead shall be given the victory.

    Hopefully that will get the good matches onto the courts faster. Who wants to see Serena williams play?
     
    #3
  4. NoBadMojo

    NoBadMojo G.O.A.T.

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    8) After the match, neither player shall be complimentary in any manner when discussing their opponent..
     
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  5. SaintClaires

    SaintClaires Banned

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    Hmmm....more like 3 times per set. :-?
     
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  6. Shaolin

    Shaolin Hall of Fame

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    good ones :)
     
    #6
  7. cknobman

    cknobman Legend

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    Pretty much sums it up. Good job.

    Maybe you could throw something in there about the Williams sisters.......

    8)When playing a Williams no matter how poor their performance is or how big your lead is, said player will choke and loose the match.
     
    #7
  8. Shaolin

    Shaolin Hall of Fame

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    2009 WTA Williams Sisters Rules:

    A. No matter how badly you beat Serena, it will always be due to HER bad play, not your own good play. Even if there is a ratio of 40 winners to 0 unforced errors.

    B. Any player ranked lower than a Williams Sister will automatically choke, no matter the lead.

    C. Any match by a Williams Sister will be given TV priority no matter the quality of the match, especially over matches involving top ATP seeds. Matches involving a Williams Sister must be replayed a minimum of five (5) consecutive times before a live ATP match is shown.
     
    #8
  9. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    WTA player shall:

    1. Wear minimal clothing but several accessories like numerous hair pins, chain with pendant, earrings, or nose rings.

    2. Give a deadly glance in the direction of the opponent before serving.

    3. Exhibit a spirit of sharing by losing their serve games alternately.

    4. Serve with low speeds but hit groundstrokes at high speeds.

    5. Never use a 1 handed backhand, though exceptions may be made for certain slices and volleys.

    6. Glance at their box with a pained expression after losing a point.

    7. Never win a match against a Williams sister, by always choking if they are ahead.

    8. Never hire a female coach or hitting partner.

    9. Do a small fist pump after winning a point.
     
    #9
  10. Syfo-Dias

    Syfo-Dias Semi-Pro

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    LOL that is so completely true. It always seems like a lot of the women are so cold to each other during the hand shake after the match. Whereas the men usually seem a lot more sincere and even sometimes embrace each other with a pat on the back.
     
    #10
  11. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    Clijsters was always an exception:

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
    #11
  12. NoBadMojo

    NoBadMojo G.O.A.T.

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    12) WTA members shall not serve any balls deep in the service box

    D) Any instance of the Service Yips shall be deemed a shoulder injury

    9) 2nd serves shall not exceed the posted speed limit of 65mph and may not be directed to the opponents weaker side
     
    #12
  13. jt1224x0

    jt1224x0 Rookie

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    Many, many people.
     
    #13
  14. Kegzz

    Kegzz Rookie

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    WTA Ten Commandments
    1. Thou shalt shriek as though being beaten to death after winning a point
    2. Thou shalt scream and glare at their box after losing a point as though it is their fault
    3. Thou shalt despise other tennis players unless they are your relative/compatriot. Extra points for those who despise their relatives/compatriots
    4. Thou shalt reach the final of a tournament, then bomb in the next few in order to reach World No.1
    5. Thou shalt never feel obliged to win a Grand Slam to become World No.1
    6. Thou shalt hit the ball as hard as thou can, as though it is your worst enemy. Extra points if that enemy is on the otherside of the court
    7. Thou shalt not try to vary your game whatsoever. Those who do, will suffer
    8. Thou shalt never feel obliged to actually win a match you have match points in
    9. Thou shalt always try involve controversial topics in your tennis life in any way possible
    10. Thou shalt always have some sort of ridiculous grunt to accompany your game. Those who do not, will also suffer
     
    #14
  15. sureshs

    sureshs Bionic Poster

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    Must I be proven right immediately? Sorry no spoiler here.
     
    #15
  16. ferocious4hand

    ferocious4hand Semi-Pro

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    here's one:

    Abolish the WTA tour!
     
    #16
  17. Mansewerz

    Mansewerz Legend

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    Do all WTA matches have female umpires?
     
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  18. ty slothrop

    ty slothrop Semi-Pro

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    nothing to add except thread of the year. could ultimately push the 'player resemblances' thread for GOAT status, if we get more quality contributions.
     
    #18
  19. Shaolin

    Shaolin Hall of Fame

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    Wow thanks:) especially because I also started the Player Resemblances thread too!
     
    #19
  20. tudwell

    tudwell Hall of Fame

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    15. Thou shalt date Radek Stepanek.
     
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  21. Mansewerz

    Mansewerz Legend

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    16. Thou shalt always be broken when serving for the match.

    17. Thou shalt shriek/grunt/scream on volleys. Extra points for drop volleys and drop shots.

    18. Thou shalt never serve and volley

    19. Thou shalt only use the slice a maximum of ONCE per set.
     
    #21
  22. cknobman

    cknobman Legend

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    So true. I mean its almost like destiny that all Williams sisters opponents choke and blow the match.

    I just wanted to run down on court with my racquet and smack her upside the head for blowing the match like that!
     
    #22
  23. Syfo-Dias

    Syfo-Dias Semi-Pro

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    I didn't realize it, but that is pretty true. It seems the majority of WTA players hit a two handed topspin backhand almost all the time. I remember Henin slicing quite a bit when she was playing. And of course who could forget her beautiful one hander. I really miss her being on tour.
     
    #23
  24. DMan

    DMan Professional

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    Azarenka was obviously reading the WTA manual today before her match with Kutzy (who has a whole chapter devoted to her under the heading "The Art of Choking").

    Vicky loses her serve when serving for the match. But somebody had to win the match. And Vicky was playing Kutzy.

    New commandment or way to predict the outcome of a WTA match:

    She who chokes last loses.
     
    #24
  25. fantom

    fantom Hall of Fame

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    Heheheh. This is great! Here's my contribution:

    A player who is negatively affected by a momentum swing shall promptly call the trainer or take a prolonged restroom break.
     
    #25
  26. origmarm

    origmarm Hall of Fame

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    Superb! (10)
     
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  27. ty slothrop

    ty slothrop Semi-Pro

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    20.  At least one player in every match must be involved in a "special" relationship with her coach, and use in-match turmoil to act out drama from said relationship.
    20(b).  As a corrollary to the above, it is possible twice per tournament to substitute family drama for drama related to a coach with which one is intimately involved.
    21.  At least one player in every match must at one time have adhered to an extreme fad diet that would in most cases kill an average human.

    Taken together, these rules and corrollary shall form the Patty Schnyder section of the 2009 Unofficial WTA rules.
     
    #27
  28. Feña14

    Feña14 Legend

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    Del Potro would fit in nicely with the WTA then ;)
     
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  29. darrinbaker00

    darrinbaker00 Professional

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    No. The Williams-Williams semi was umpired by Kader Nouni.
     
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  30. Topaz

    Topaz Legend

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    As would quite a few of the ATP players.
     
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  31. Shaolin

    Shaolin Hall of Fame

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    All too true.....
     
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  32. gj011

    gj011 Banned

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    Well, Azarenka broke most of these rules today.
     
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  33. JeMar

    JeMar Legend

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    Great OP. Would read again.
     
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  34. sondraj

    sondraj Semi-Pro

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    You all are ridiculous, the ones who constantly complain about the silly little things that make up the wta are the same ones who constantly complain all day and all night about the same crap on the atp. It's funny how no one draws the connection between the two.

    The men are bigger babies and cry and whine more than any hand full of any of the females on the wta tour. They are ridiculous. They argue and have temper tantrums like little girls, screech and scream just as loud and annoying as the girls, they argue and throw rackets and cry i.e Federer, seriously if he cries one more time after one more match he is officially the biggest P**** on both the wta and atp tour combined. And of the recent atp matches I've seen they are raking up the breaks of serve as if they were really channeling their female counterparts.

    So sorry boys to break the news to you, yall aint no better.
     
    #34
  35. Shaolin

    Shaolin Hall of Fame

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    Rule #1 holds up, as usual :(
     
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  36. mikro112

    mikro112 Semi-Pro

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    Very funny, and sadly very true!
     
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  37. Solat

    Solat Professional

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    OP was very good, nice one
     
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