This is from rec.sport.tennis, I thought it was really funny -
Scene: A room in a small house somewhere in the United States, many
years in the future. An old man sits in his rocking chair by a roaring
fire, with his young grandson by his side, regaling the lad with tales
from his past years.
BOY: Say, grandpops, people have been talking recently about the tale
of Pete the Mighty's great victory back in '95, but I've never
heard it. How about you tell me the story?
OLD-TIMER: (sucking on his clay pipe) Well, young feller, that's some
tale, I can tell ya. But I'll try to remember it - my granddaddy
himself told me when I was a young lad like yerself.
BOY: Okay then.
OLD-TIMER: Well, back in the old days, the great Pete the Mighty ruled
the known world and conquered everything before him (well, nearly
everything). He won a series of glorious victories and subjugated all
his foes beneath his power and domination. He even conquered the mighty lands of Britannia a total of seven different times. He was the most feared warrior in the whole world for, well, musta been about six years or more before his strength started to leave him.
BOY: Wow! What a guy!
OLD-TIMER: Sure was, sure was. Anyhow, back in '95 he was sent on his
most difficult battle - into the remote lands of the East which they
called Mos-cow. This was a barren wilderness, conditions were harsh,
and the land peopled by barbarians. No-one from this part of the world
had ever been there and lived to tell the tale, I tell ya.
BOY: What happened then?
OLD-TIMER: Well, the conditions of the battle were very harsh - the
terrain was dusty and dirty, not like the smooth lands Pete had
conquered over in Britannia. These conditions did not suit his fighting
style but instead gave his enemies a great advantage.
BOY: Sounds tough - so which evil guys was he up against?
OLD-TIMER: (hushed whisper) - You've heard of .... Andrei the
Terrible?
BOY: You don't mean ... (gulp) ... Chesnokov-ski?
OLD-TIMER: The very same. He was one evil sonofa*****, and no mistake.
And one of the finest warriors ever to walk the face of the earth.
BOY: But I read in an old book someone describe Chesnokov-ski as ....,
what was it, .... yeah, a BOZO?
OLD-TIMER: Hell, no way. Definitely one of the top guys around,
'specially in his own backyard. Just that he didn't venture far
outside his own lands to take on anyone else.
BOY: Who else?
OLD-TIMER: Well, there was also the great Yevgeny the Impaler .... now
he was one tough dude. Pete the Mighty already had a great battle with
him on neutral territory over the other side of the world.
BOY: But I saw a picture of him in a magazine and he was a fat *******
...
OLD-TIMER: Well, sure, once he hung up his weapons he did enjoy
himself, and feast on fine food and plenty of drink, but in his prime
days he was a machine, sure was.
BOY: But surely Pete the Mighty wasn't sent to take these guys on by
himself?
OLD-TIMER: Hell, no. By his side he had his trusty sidekicks Jim the
Ginger Destroyer and Todd the Choker. No better men to go into battle
with, after Andre the Bald could not make the long journey as he could
not be arsed.
BOY: But wasn't Todd the Choker defeated in battle one time by
Malivai the Not-So-Magnificent, he of the ebony skin?
OLD-TIMER: Well, yeah, but that was later - and anyway Todd was
beating him up so badly that it was embarrassing - he just took pity
on the poor sucker.
BOY: So how did the battle go?
OLD-TIMER: Well, first Pete the Mighty took on Andrei the Terrible, and
boy that was some struggle. People used to say the Pete's weakness
was that in very long battles he could lose energy, but heck that was a
marathon and Pete came out on top, finally subduing the evil one.
BOY: Pete the Mighty musta had some great weapons at his disposal,
yeah?
OLD-TIMER: No way. Amazingly he used just a really small but heavy club
- folks used to say that most mortals couldn't even lift it, let
along use in battle. But Pete the Mighty could wield that thing like a
wand when he needed to. I tell ya, some of those other warriors liked
to use bigger, lighter weapons, but Pete the Mighty always stuck to the
same one he had used since he was a young pup. The only time it maybe
caused him problems were those battles he fought on the dirt in
Northern Europe, but folks used to say that those weren't real
battles anyway, and Pete was wasting his skills fighting in those
conditions.
BOY: What a hero!
OLD-TIMER: Absolutely. Unfortunately Jim the Ginger Destroyer was
defeated by the devilish Yevgeny the Impaler, and that takes some
doing, yessir. Anyway, those damn evil barbarians then decided to team
up on Pete the Mighty, but luckily he had the faithful Todd by his side
to take them on. Folks said that Pete preferred to fight alone but here
they dominated those *******s.
BOY: But for ultimate victory, Pete the Mighty woulda had to defeat
Yevgeny the Impaler in one-to-one combat, right?
OLD-TIMER: You got it, son. And what a victory it was. One thing about
Pete the Mighty, he always fought best at the most important times -
when it didn't matter he kept his full skills hidden - in combat
that's called fighting "half-arsed". Anyway, he slaughtered that
guy, didn't give him a chance. He'd proved himself the ultimate
warrior and master of all pretenders.
BOY: Hooray! Three cheers for Pete the Mighty!
OLD-TIMER: After that, Pete never needed to prove himself again. So
anytime they needed someone to go off for another fight, he'd let
someone else have the honour - what a man!
BOY: So was this one of his greatest victories then?
OLD-TIMER Definitely. That was one tough mission he was on and he took care of things no problem. You know, lotsa folks say that it was much harder than some of those longer battles on the dirt in that other
place, whaddya call it ...., yeah Frenchland or something. I'm sure
he rated it much higher himself - not that he was a slouch on that
dirt - do ya know he destroyed seven of the best dirt warriors on
their own territory at various times?
BOY: Really?
OLD-TIMER Sure did. Of course, the Britannia victories are easily the
best, but that '95 campaign comes pretty close.
BOY: Gee thanks, grandpops. What a great story. Have you got any more?
OLD-TIMER Sure - what about the one where Pete the Mighty came back for one last fight and defeated his great rival Andre the Bald before
hanging up his weapon for good?
BOY: I was thinking more about the incredible Roger the Unmerciful who
bestrode the scene after Pete the Mighty had gone and proved himself an even greater warrior eclipsing all the achievements that Pete had made
and which no-none thought could ever be bettered?
OLD-TIMER: Clown warrior era - now f*ck off you little b*stard...
Scene: A room in a small house somewhere in the United States, many
years in the future. An old man sits in his rocking chair by a roaring
fire, with his young grandson by his side, regaling the lad with tales
from his past years.
BOY: Say, grandpops, people have been talking recently about the tale
of Pete the Mighty's great victory back in '95, but I've never
heard it. How about you tell me the story?
OLD-TIMER: (sucking on his clay pipe) Well, young feller, that's some
tale, I can tell ya. But I'll try to remember it - my granddaddy
himself told me when I was a young lad like yerself.
BOY: Okay then.
OLD-TIMER: Well, back in the old days, the great Pete the Mighty ruled
the known world and conquered everything before him (well, nearly
everything). He won a series of glorious victories and subjugated all
his foes beneath his power and domination. He even conquered the mighty lands of Britannia a total of seven different times. He was the most feared warrior in the whole world for, well, musta been about six years or more before his strength started to leave him.
BOY: Wow! What a guy!
OLD-TIMER: Sure was, sure was. Anyhow, back in '95 he was sent on his
most difficult battle - into the remote lands of the East which they
called Mos-cow. This was a barren wilderness, conditions were harsh,
and the land peopled by barbarians. No-one from this part of the world
had ever been there and lived to tell the tale, I tell ya.
BOY: What happened then?
OLD-TIMER: Well, the conditions of the battle were very harsh - the
terrain was dusty and dirty, not like the smooth lands Pete had
conquered over in Britannia. These conditions did not suit his fighting
style but instead gave his enemies a great advantage.
BOY: Sounds tough - so which evil guys was he up against?
OLD-TIMER: (hushed whisper) - You've heard of .... Andrei the
Terrible?
BOY: You don't mean ... (gulp) ... Chesnokov-ski?
OLD-TIMER: The very same. He was one evil sonofa*****, and no mistake.
And one of the finest warriors ever to walk the face of the earth.
BOY: But I read in an old book someone describe Chesnokov-ski as ....,
what was it, .... yeah, a BOZO?
OLD-TIMER: Hell, no way. Definitely one of the top guys around,
'specially in his own backyard. Just that he didn't venture far
outside his own lands to take on anyone else.
BOY: Who else?
OLD-TIMER: Well, there was also the great Yevgeny the Impaler .... now
he was one tough dude. Pete the Mighty already had a great battle with
him on neutral territory over the other side of the world.
BOY: But I saw a picture of him in a magazine and he was a fat *******
...
OLD-TIMER: Well, sure, once he hung up his weapons he did enjoy
himself, and feast on fine food and plenty of drink, but in his prime
days he was a machine, sure was.
BOY: But surely Pete the Mighty wasn't sent to take these guys on by
himself?
OLD-TIMER: Hell, no. By his side he had his trusty sidekicks Jim the
Ginger Destroyer and Todd the Choker. No better men to go into battle
with, after Andre the Bald could not make the long journey as he could
not be arsed.
BOY: But wasn't Todd the Choker defeated in battle one time by
Malivai the Not-So-Magnificent, he of the ebony skin?
OLD-TIMER: Well, yeah, but that was later - and anyway Todd was
beating him up so badly that it was embarrassing - he just took pity
on the poor sucker.
BOY: So how did the battle go?
OLD-TIMER: Well, first Pete the Mighty took on Andrei the Terrible, and
boy that was some struggle. People used to say the Pete's weakness
was that in very long battles he could lose energy, but heck that was a
marathon and Pete came out on top, finally subduing the evil one.
BOY: Pete the Mighty musta had some great weapons at his disposal,
yeah?
OLD-TIMER: No way. Amazingly he used just a really small but heavy club
- folks used to say that most mortals couldn't even lift it, let
along use in battle. But Pete the Mighty could wield that thing like a
wand when he needed to. I tell ya, some of those other warriors liked
to use bigger, lighter weapons, but Pete the Mighty always stuck to the
same one he had used since he was a young pup. The only time it maybe
caused him problems were those battles he fought on the dirt in
Northern Europe, but folks used to say that those weren't real
battles anyway, and Pete was wasting his skills fighting in those
conditions.
BOY: What a hero!
OLD-TIMER: Absolutely. Unfortunately Jim the Ginger Destroyer was
defeated by the devilish Yevgeny the Impaler, and that takes some
doing, yessir. Anyway, those damn evil barbarians then decided to team
up on Pete the Mighty, but luckily he had the faithful Todd by his side
to take them on. Folks said that Pete preferred to fight alone but here
they dominated those *******s.
BOY: But for ultimate victory, Pete the Mighty woulda had to defeat
Yevgeny the Impaler in one-to-one combat, right?
OLD-TIMER: You got it, son. And what a victory it was. One thing about
Pete the Mighty, he always fought best at the most important times -
when it didn't matter he kept his full skills hidden - in combat
that's called fighting "half-arsed". Anyway, he slaughtered that
guy, didn't give him a chance. He'd proved himself the ultimate
warrior and master of all pretenders.
BOY: Hooray! Three cheers for Pete the Mighty!
OLD-TIMER: After that, Pete never needed to prove himself again. So
anytime they needed someone to go off for another fight, he'd let
someone else have the honour - what a man!
BOY: So was this one of his greatest victories then?
OLD-TIMER Definitely. That was one tough mission he was on and he took care of things no problem. You know, lotsa folks say that it was much harder than some of those longer battles on the dirt in that other
place, whaddya call it ...., yeah Frenchland or something. I'm sure
he rated it much higher himself - not that he was a slouch on that
dirt - do ya know he destroyed seven of the best dirt warriors on
their own territory at various times?
BOY: Really?
OLD-TIMER Sure did. Of course, the Britannia victories are easily the
best, but that '95 campaign comes pretty close.
BOY: Gee thanks, grandpops. What a great story. Have you got any more?
OLD-TIMER Sure - what about the one where Pete the Mighty came back for one last fight and defeated his great rival Andre the Bald before
hanging up his weapon for good?
BOY: I was thinking more about the incredible Roger the Unmerciful who
bestrode the scene after Pete the Mighty had gone and proved himself an even greater warrior eclipsing all the achievements that Pete had made
and which no-none thought could ever be bettered?
OLD-TIMER: Clown warrior era - now f*ck off you little b*stard...
but looks like old-timer is a big Sampras fan, maybe its laurie or other posters who are huge fans.Didnt they forget that clowns existed during the sampras era as well.
