The unrequitted love dilemma

Discussion in 'Odds & Ends' started by ramseszerg, Feb 7, 2011.

  1. ramseszerg

    ramseszerg Professional

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    So I was thinking about my situation and I realized it was damn funny.




    The unrequitted love dilemma

    - If you confess your love you might lose the friendship (you’re pretty sure she will say no. You also do NOT want to lose the friendship)
    - If you cut off your contacts with the person you will fall out of love with her. However, you will probably lose the friendship.
    - If you maintain your friendship you will fall back in love (just by talking to her). You will also have to pretend you just think of her as a friend.

    WTF?
     
  2. VaththalKuzhambu

    VaththalKuzhambu Rookie

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    The other day, I overheard two girls discussing a new form of relationship called "friendship with benefits". Wonder if your scenario is what they were talking about.


     
  3. ramseszerg

    ramseszerg Professional

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    Uhh, no. I care about the friendship because I respect and appreciate her.
     
  4. VaththalKuzhambu

    VaththalKuzhambu Rookie

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    Have you seen the movie "He's just not that into you"? It has some interesting takes on the complexities involved in romantic relationships.
     
  5. ryushen21

    ryushen21 Hall of Fame

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    At some point, you have to just say f*** it and say or do something about it. That's really all there is. Either she will be open to exploring a romantic relationship or she won't. The risk of losing the friendship is there but if you don't do something you will just end up agonizing over it.
     
  6. flyinghippos101

    flyinghippos101 Legend

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    ^^^^ Completely agree

    You'll end up obsessing over this until it drives you insane, especially if you're with her.

    Was in this situation awhile back. Began developing feelings for a friend as we began to hang out more. I eventually told her and unfortunately it didn't end too well and we don't talk anymore.

    And even though that sucks, I still thought of it as a personal victory to overcome the crappyness that followed. And most importantly, it all boils down to the "peace of mind" you establish, knowing that you presented the opportunity and you won't be wondering "what if" in the future. It's just yet another one of life's bitter lessons
     
  7. ramseszerg

    ramseszerg Professional

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    What if you had been close friends for 3 years? AND she's already tried to tell you no without killing the friendship
     
  8. flyinghippos101

    flyinghippos101 Legend

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    I was close friends with her for maybe 3 or four years but known her for almost my entire life. I felt it was necessary rather than agonizing over it.

    Did she explicitly say no? Or did you just infer? Otherwise you're better off just telling her outright.
     
  9. ryushen21

    ryushen21 Hall of Fame

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    Define close friends. Talk everyday? You're each others' go to person? Have you had a movie night cuddled up on the couch?

    If y'all have ventured into the realm of emotional intimacy with each other and feel that kind of safety and security, then I think that is hard to ignore.

    Has she flat out told you that it's never going to happen? If she hasn't then she might be open to it. It also could have just been that she wasn't open to it at that time and things could have changed.
     
  10. atatu

    atatu Hall of Fame

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    Well, if she is really your friend, and if she isn't into you, then she should be able to still be your friend after she tells you no. And as for you, you at least will know, so you can move on and find someone else but still keep her as a friend.
     
  11. Manus Domini

    Manus Domini Hall of Fame

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    Same situation with me last year (16 at time, so I dunno if age is a factor). I told her how I felt, and she was happy I told her but couldn't return the feelings; she is one of my best friends but due to schedule and not emotional feelings we don't talk/see each other much. We still hang out, but not as much because of her work and my ECs.

    7th grade, I didn't tell the girl how I felt. I knew she liked me, but I was too nervous. We don't talk anymore.

    So do you want the possibility of the former or the latter?

    If she doesn't say no outright, maybe she is into it but reticent about your feelings or something. Get it off your chest, it feels 100000000% better, trust me.
     
  12. Cindysphinx

    Cindysphinx G.O.A.T.

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    I married my best platonic friend 20 years ago, so there is hope.

    The way it went down was he asked me out, but I was a moron who didn't appreciate him because I was pursuing someone else. So he dropped the idea, although we still ran in the same circles.

    Then many months later, he called me on my birthday and wished me a happy birthday. It probably took some guts to place that call. I chatted with him a while and then hung up and thought, "Dang. Any guy who remembers my birthday is deserving of a second look." So I asked him out, and the rest is three kids and a dog.

    My opinion on these things is that the worst thing you can do is confess your feelings directly. No, no, no. If she is not feeling the same way, you will kill any chance that she will come around.

    Better, I think, is just put your very best foot forward. Keep doing whatever it is you normally do with her (tennis, movies, whatever it is), but try to do a tad more of it. Women will notice the change, but will not feel as threatened or pressed for a decision as if you came out of the blue with an expression of interest. She will give it some thought.

    She will then either pull away, or she will go along. If she goes along, great. If you get the slightest hint that she is pulling away, you would probably want to drop all contact until you are completely over her.

    Good luck. Solid friendship is a terrific basis for a solid marriage, IMHO.
     
  13. fruitytennis1

    fruitytennis1 Professional

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    Current of G/F 1 years ive been friends with for 8yrs.
    First time i asked got a no
    Second time i asked(about 3 months later during homecoming week) got a yes

    You will never be satisfied till you chase your girl(whether you succeed or not)
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2011

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