Most of the things you whined about can be compensated, worked around, or they don't impact how the grip will perform for you.
1) Learn how to grip blunt ends grips. Long-time tournagrip users have gotten used to it. Cut-ends are a luxury.
2) 1st real assessment of the grip. Good job. "Slimy" surface is not for everyone.
3) Learn how to wash your hands properly then.
4) 2nd good assessment of the grip, you're on fire! Thinner grip can change the size and feel.
5) You're not pulling the grip hard enough as you grip. It's shorter than most, yes. But I don't have problems getting to the top.