Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

[Freedom]

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
- Right where you left it.

Does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac stay up all night wondering if there's a dog?

[Punisha]

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

[Punisha]

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

[Punisha]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[Punisha]

and heres a tennis joke



One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"So what do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Two Tennis balls,” the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

[OrangeOne]

Yo-yo ma is a very good cellist.

[35201]

A Panda Bear walks into a caf� and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'

[Loco4Tennis]

let see if you all can asnwer this one, and lets pray i dont get botted out when i give the answer

Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps??

[J011yroger]

^^^ So they don't whistle on the way down.

J

[Loco4Tennis]

Originally Posted by J011yroger

^^^ So they don't whistle on the way down.

J

dam, that was quick, someone give this man a cookie,, or,, if you catch the female paratrooper before she hits the ground and gets away, shes's yours

[Leelord337]

A Blonde is strapped for cash so she goes door to door in a neighborhood asking people if they have any odd jobs she can do for money.

She knocks on a door and the man answers. She asks him if he needs any jobs done around the house. He replies, "yes i want you to paint my porch." He asks the blonde how much she wanted to paint it? she says $40. He says that's great! so he tells his wife, guess what i've got this dumb blonde painting our porch for $40, lol.

5 min later she knocks on the door...the man was wondering to himself how she finished it so fast... She says "I'm all done painting your porch...And by the way, it's not a Porch, its a Lexus."

[Leelord337]

Originally Posted by 35201

A Panda Bear walks into a caf� and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'

lol, very clever and unexpected

[35201]

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!

[35201]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[Leelord337]

^^^post more jokes, post more jokes, :P, these are great! the tour bus one was sick

[Leelord337]

Yo mama is so poor she went to Mcdonalds and asked to put a small french fry on layaway.

[35ft6]

Yo mama is so poor that she works two jobs to provide for you and your sister.

[Loco4Tennis]

your house is so small, you have to go outside to eat a large pizza.
or
your house is so small, you have to go outside to chnage your mind.

[Leelord337]

Yo mama is so poor, i went over to her house and when i walked in through the front door, 2 mice tripped me and a rat stole my wallet

[CanadianChic]

A friend just sent me this so I thought I'd share:


Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Rick has been missing since Friday.