Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

[krz]

Not sure if this is real since, the 20% is calculated incorrectly. But, I do wonder if this is possible.

[Dedans Penthouse]

A guy's in a doctor's office and the doctor says "I've got some bad news: you have cancer and Alzheimer's" and the guy says: "Thank God I don't have cancer!"

[bluegrasser]

A guy studying for the ministry goes into the mountains for a time of fasting & prayer, suddenly he's approached by a large bear. The fellow begins running w/ the bear in hot pursuit, then climbs a tree and prays " Lord I pray this bear is a believer," the bear shakes the tree with the young fellow falling in the bears arms, the bear looks up to heaven and prays :" Lord I thank you for this food and pray you bless it in ' Jesus name."

[Bdarb]

The manhattan project was an attempt to reproduce the Power of chuck Norris's round house kick... They failed.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Just rediscovered these today, never gets old haha

[krz]

Originally Posted by Bdarb

The manhattan project was an attempt to reproduce the Power of chuck Norris's round house kick... They failed.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Just rediscovered these today, never gets old haha

Why are there jokes about Bruce Lee?

Because Bruce Lee ain't no joke.

(This joke assumes you've seen Return of the Dragon)

[bluegrasser]

Originally Posted by krz

Why are there jokes about Bruce Lee?

Because Bruce Lee ain't no joke.

(This joke assumes you've seen Return of the Dragon)

I have a pic of Bruce Lee & myself when I was 12 yrs old, he attended a Karate party for all the studios in SCal, when he pulled up in his trans am, I was in the parking lot with some of my buds & when Bruce stepped out, we all at once said 'Kato ! He was very gracious to take his pic w/ all of us.

[Sentinel]

http://www.vice.com/read/chinas-taki...eering-program

Will miss ninman's threads, though

[Sentinel]

“If you plan to miss this movie, better miss it quickly; I doubt if it’ll be around to miss for long.”

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/40-hi...ebert-reviews/

[qwertre]

What's the same about (insert friend's name here) and the communist ideology?

They both have no class!!

[Leelord337]

^^lol at no middle/upper/lower class for communism

[Sentinel]

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blog....html?mobify=0

MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Before a rapt audience at Facebook headquarters Thursday, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg unveiled new software that he promised “will totally change the way you are wasting your life.”
Explaining the development of Facebook’s new phone software, Home, Mr. Zuckerberg said, “Our research showed that Facebook users still had a few hours a day when they were leading somewhat healthy and productive lives. Our new software will change all of that.”

Mr. Zuckerberg said his developers had worked for months developing Home, “which seizes control of your phone and makes it good for little other than Facebook—much like many Facebook users themselves.”

By bombarding the user with status updates on a twenty-four-hour basis, he boasted, “Home transforms Facebook from just a social network into something akin to a neurological disorder.”

As the audience applauded that pronouncement, Mr. Zuckerberg added, “At Facebook, we want to be a million voices inside your head.”

When one member of the audience worried whether Home would give Facebook even more access to private information about one’s life, Mr. Zuckerberg reassured the questioner, “After using Home for several weeks, you will have no life.”
While clearly proud of his latest product, Mr. Zuckerberg gave notice that he did not intend to rest on his laurels: “At Facebook, we will never stop striving to replace real experience with something soulless and empty.”


Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blog...#ixzz2Ps6jnCcl

[Bobby Jr]

This live comedy is utterly hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OISGykO6Z7U

[Sentinel]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencete...y--iPhone.html

Thx to pvaudio for posting this in GPPD.

[BHiC]

Following Bobby Jr's lead, stand up doesn't get much better than this -


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7auvTMm47uM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPXaGO8hH5U

[stringertom]

Speaking of stand-up geniuses, Bob Newhart is still going strong in his 80's and will make a rare guest appearance on tonight's episode of "The Big Bang Theory".

He is close friends with Don Rickles, who gets on "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" from time to time. Still a tough daddy, that one!

On a recent talk show, Newhart stated one of his daughters recently gave birth to his 10th grandchild in Seattle. Rickles was appearing at a nearby casino and took the daughter out for dinner. Newhart said his only wish was that his daughter's water should have broken while Rickles was dining her...imagine that hilarity if it had happened!

[Big boss.]

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right? That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that changes all of his CNA (Cheerio DNA) into whichever type of cheerio that he wants. However, this machine performs a process that is extraordinarily painful, because that sort of thing would hurt. Anyway. He does it, and the normal flavored cheerio becomes a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, this girl cheerio hates him so much that she invents an identical machine and does the process on herself in order to become a cinnamon-apple cheerio, just so she can avoid this creeper. So, she does it. The boy cheerio is starting to get upset at this because he really wants her. So he tells himself that he will go through the pain for her, and becomes a cinnamon-apple cheerio. She then changes to a honey-nut cheerio! He decides that this is the last time that he will change cheerio type. He does it, and she changes one more time, into a normal cheerio - the kind he originally was. So he says out loud, "Okay, this is really the last time. If she changes again, I will just stay back with my family." So he becomes a normal cheerio again, and she doesn't change fast enough for him to put his moves on her. So, they start dating, and he finally asks her to the Formal Bowl (ahaha, get it, bowl instead of ball). Anyway, they get there and dance intensely for a few hours. Finally, they get tired and she sends the boy cheerio to the milk bowl (you know, since it's a cereal dance, they have that and punch). He gets there and stands in line for ten minutes. Finally fed up at the really long line, he looks over at the bowl of punch and realizes there is no punch line.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/funny-4097-5-...#ixzz2SHCIuhHc

[Big boss.]

There once was a 5 year-old boy. His name was Little Timmy. At his age it is time for him to attend kindergarten school. But young Timmy didn't want to go to school, and refused to his mother. In reply, little Timmy's mom said, "I'll tell you what. If you get straight A's in your classes each marking period, I will give you whatever you want.

Little Timmy, loving his bargain, went straight to school that morning.

That marking period, Little Timmy's mother checked his grades. To her enjoyment, she found he had gotten all A's. She then said to Little Timmy, "What do you want as your gift?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.

He then said to his mother, "I want a Ping Pong ball."

Puzzled, Little Timmy's mother agreed, and bought him a Ping Pong ball.
The next marking period, Little Timmy had gotten A's again. His mother asked him again, "What do you want as your gift?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.

He then said to his mother, "I want 2 Ping Pong balls."

Puzzled still, Little Timmy's mother agreed, and bought him 2 Ping Pong balls.
Throughout his time in Kindergarten, he requested more and more Ping Pong balls. On his final marking period, he had gotten straight A's once more. This time, Little Timmy wanted just 1 Ping Pong ball, painted red.

Little Timmy's Mother went out and boguht him a red Ping Pong ball. Finally, she asked Little Timmy, "Why do you ask for so many Ping Pong balls?"
Now, little Timmy thought a moment.

He then said to his mother, "Give me until the end of Elementary school, and I will tell you."
Hesitantly, his mother agreed. Throughout the course of the years of Elementary, he asked for a variety of colored ping pong balls. Some red, some yellow, some blue, some even black. On his final marking period of 4th grade, Little Timmy wanted 10 Ping Pong balls. 1 red, 2 green, 3 brown, and 4 grey.
After giving him his gift, she then asked Little Timmy, "Why have you been asking for Ping Pong balls?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said, "Give me until the end of Middle School, and I will tell you."
With a long sigh, she agreed.

Throughout those years he excelled through his grades. He asked for big Ping Pong balls, small Ping Pong balls, but never regular shaped.
Finally, his graduation to High School began. He asked for 50 white Ping Pong balls.
After getting his balls, she asked him, "Why have always asked for Ping Pong balls?"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said, "Give me until the end of High School, and I will tell you."
Resentfully, she agreed.
Years passed from then. Little Timmy asked for many different balls. Big blue ones, small brown ones, yellow broken ones, and white tiny ones.
Little Timmy had now graduated from High School. He was given a scholorship to Harvard University. This time, he asked for just one Ping Pong ball.
His mother got him the ball he wanted, and asked, "Why have you asked for Ping Pong balls all these years?!"
Now, Little Timmy thought a moment.
He then said to his mother, "I will tell you. But let me tell my girl friend first.

Happily, his mother Agreed.


Little Timmy began crossing the street to his girl friend's house. Out of nowhere a truck ran him over, killing him.

THE END

[jswinf]

cruel new poster warning

[Andyroo10567]

Mother of God.......

[Leelord337]

^^^DAMMIT, that left me hanging more than last season's Breaking Bad finale.