Useless information thread - Page 176

Sentinel · 03-13-2012, 12:09 AM

My two little pups are now 4 months old. Doing well.

Took this today morning. Both looking at their mother. The little brown male got adopted once again.

She says hello to all at TW.

tusharlovesrafa · 03-13-2012, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sentinel

My two little pups are now 4 months old. Doing well.

Took this today morning. Both looking at their mother. The little brown male got adopted once again.

She says hello to all at TW.

They look so cute and adorable.Just Amazing!!
BTW,I hate these big open "NALAS" at the road-side..

FlamEnemY · 03-13-2012, 04:06 AM

Messa da Requiem by Giuseppe Verdi

The Messa da Requiem by Giuseppe Verdi is a musical setting of the Roman Catholic funeral mass (Requiem) for four soloists, double choir and orchestra. It was composed in memory of Alessandro Manzoni, an Italian poet and novelist much admired by Verdi.

When Gioachino Rossini died in 1868, Verdi suggested that a number of Italian composers should collaborate on a Requiem in Rossini's honor, and began the effort by submitting the conclusion, Libera me. During the next year a Messa per Rossini was compiled by 13 composers, famous at the time, of whom the only one well known today is Verdi himself. The premiere was scheduled for 13 November 1869, the first anniversary of Rossini's death.
However, on 4 November, nine days before the premiere, the organising committee abandoned it. Verdi blamed the scheduled conductor, Angelo Mariani, for this. He pointed to Mariani's lack of enthusiasm for the project, even though he had been part of the organising committee from the start, and it marked the beginning of the end of their long-term friendship. The piece fell into oblivion until 1988, when Helmuth Rilling premiered the complete Messa per Rossini in Stuttgart, Germany.
In the meantime, Verdi kept toying with his Libera me, frustrated that the combined commemoration of Rossini's life would not be performed in his lifetime.
On 22 May 1873, the Italian writer and humanist Alessandro Manzoni, whom Verdi had admired all his adult life and met in 1868, died. Upon hearing of his death, Verdi resolved to complete a Requiem—this time entirely of his own writing—for Manzoni. Verdi travelled to Paris in June, where he commenced work on the Requiem, giving it the form we know today. It included a revised version of the Libera me originally composed for Rossini.

(and now, something not exactly "useless")

Dies Irae

Sentinel · 03-13-2012, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tusharlovesrafa

They look so cute and adorable.Just Amazing!!
BTW,I hate these big open "NALAS" at the road-side..

Stray dogs are born in these Nalas. These ones were born in the nala opposite this one and have spent their entire 4 months in it. they still sleep in there in their little home inside.

At least these open nalas can be cleaned. the closed ones coming up, clog up and can never be cleaned.

tusharlovesrafa · 03-14-2012, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sentinel

Stray dogs are born in these Nalas. These ones were born in the nala opposite this one and have spent their entire 4 months in it. they still sleep in there in their little home inside.

At least these open nalas can be cleaned. the closed ones coming up, clog up and can never be cleaned.

Oh yeah,the real mess starts in rainy season,when nearly every nali and nala gets clogged up and sewage water starts over flowing.There is so much water logging in parts of delhi that you can easily sail a boat over there..

Mike Bulgakov · 03-15-2012, 04:32 PM

Dmitry Tursunov has been missing on the tour recently. I was worried after hearing the rumour that Dmitry went mad at a Challenger tournament in Laos, and is now living there in a hotel room full of cats, so I googled "Dmitry Tursunov." One of the results was an advice column he wrote, "Ask Dmitry: Tursunov's agony uncle column," which I found amusing.

http://www.thetennisspace.com/opinio...-uncle-column/
Dear Dmitry,
Any advice for how to deal with opponents who always starts a conversation with each other just as I’m preparing to serve? This is in a “friendly” ladies’ group in Cincinnati.
Thanks! Love the column,
Maria H.

Dear Maria,
In all my time in tennis I have never seen a friendly ladies league match. You girls are marking your territories like rabid raccoons!

Why do I have to teach you everything?! Set their hair on fire, pour laxative in their drinks, compliment how well they’ve packed on the pounds or sound amazed that they are finally pregnant by pointing at their tummy. You’ve got to use your creativity to cause destruction. After all, you girls do it so well when you get married to a man, so just direct that energy towards your opponents instead. The whole point of these friendly matches is not to win them, but to obliterate your opponent emotionally. A high from a win will wear out in a day or two, but an emotional put-down will stay with them far longer than that. If this doesn’t work, practice hard on target serving. It will come in handy!

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
What’s your stance on sun-visors? Manly or not manly?
Alexander, London

Well I just find them absolutely repulsive. Nothing says… God!.. Just any adjective I have in mind would be edited here, so… I don’t know… I just get violent when I think about them! I almost punched a lady sleeping in the seat next to me on an airplane when I read the question.

A visor is definitely a tool to destabilize your opponent. Or anyone looking at you, for that matter. You want to look like a tool? Want everyone to hate you? Want to give a middle finger to society? This is the biggest finger you can find!

What is the meaning of it?! Who thought it was better than a hat? Why do so many golfers wear it? I think it’s all self-explanatory. You just need a pair of khaki shorts, a pastel colored polo shirt with the collar sticking up, a pair of sports polarized sunglasses, and a belt-clip for your I-phone. Maybe a fanny-pack, to complete the look. Stitch your name on your golf-bag and say good-bye to your sex life.

Other than that, it’s okay.

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
Which is the best language to swear in? Every umpire knows English swear-words, and all the decent ones know all the naughty words in a few other languages too. I’m looking for a good language to swear in when I’m playing. Two reasons. One, I won’t get thrown out of tournaments. Two, it will make me look sophisticated (I think). Please help!!
Charlie,
London

Charlie,
If you are trying to impress the ladies, go with French or Italian. These are just superb at making you sound dead sexy to a woman. There must be something in the frequencies of these languages that women will literally have an orgasm if you speak these languages. I don’t have to speak them as I can achieve this result even if I whisper into a woman’s ear in Dutch or German, but if I wasn’t me, I’d learn these two languages first. If, however, you want to learn a language to avoid an umpire, which is unlikely, as you are a guy and guys only think about one thing (Oh, no! What? Nobody is calling me a man-hater for this one?!?!) I would go with something truly exotic. Like Hindi for example. I always wondered if Gandhi was swearing when he spoke. He probably did too, but he was so cute and disarming, and his head wouldn’t stop moving… You’d never think he was swearing at you! There is a large Indian population in London so you could practice your swearing as well.

For example, if I go to a Chinese restaurant, the waiters and the chef always look and sound as if they are about to start throwing knifes and frying pans at each other, so I think you’d come off too aggressive trying to speak Mandarin on the court. You can also give it a shot cursing in Tongues

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
I’ve read your first column on The Tennis Space and I’m so excited about your new position as ‘ATP sommelier of fan-girls’. Congratulations! Well-deserved. Before I send in my CV and photo for your review, I’d like to look my best first. I believe I look good enough but one thing can be improved… I want Andrea Petkovic’s abs. Best WTA abs so far. Hands-down. Have you ever by chances noticed hers? Could you please give me advice what she’s been doing during the training, what she’s been eating… With abs like hers, I’m confident that you won’t have a hard time ‘selling’ my CV and it would make your job easier. Win-win, eh?

Cheers,
Angela

PS. Your job scope includes retired players? You have Marat Safin’s address, right?

Thank you Angela! I completely agree – it is well deserved, but I try to be humble about it. It is a lot of work, as many of the tennis players tend to focus on themselves and their careers, overlooking the fact that it’s the fan-girls who allow us to lead the lifestyle. I just try to give back what I can.

Now, onto your question. First off, (Marat) and I do not like a hardcore abs on a woman. We are old-school types who feel a woman is sexier and more sensual when it’s a nice toned tummy with just a hint of a six-pack. Obviously I’m not talking about a beer-belly, but a man and a woman have different bodies and a woman naturally will have a little more body-fat. It is more challenging to get a six-pack for a woman. Pilates, Yoga, and some core exercises are all good in achieving a more toned look as the first two, in general, lengthen and tone your muscles rather than bulk you up.

The biggest issue however is the fact that there is a layer of fat between muscles and the skin so not only do you have to exercise to strengthen the muscle but also do some cardio to burn off the fat. I would suggest looking at your body-type first and foremost. You won’t cheat nature so you’ll work with what you have. Secondly, research on what you input into your body. Alcoholic drinks, breads, sugars, processed foods; sodas are all a huge factor of your well-being. By adjusting your diet, and exercises you can transform your body without radical sacrifices. Set small attainable goals, in terms of your regimen, make a list of all the foods in your household and make the necessary adjustments.

Also, remember that being sexy has a lot to do with how YOU feel about yourself. Well, that, and with what I tell you as well. I’m not promoting starvation, but neither do I promote eating like a pig and saying that people shouldn’t be superficial and judge you by your looks. There should be a balance and no radical changes right off the bat. Take it one step at a time. Control what you can. The less preparation stages the food goes through the better it is for you. Fruit, vegetables, grains are all substitutes for sugars, cornstarch, and Doritos. You just have to make right choices. Andrea does that. You know, its funny you mentioned her, because… I taught her a few moves myself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hSKw...e_gdata_player

She pays attention to what she puts in her gas tank. Crap fuel will kill your engine. She also most likely uses the ab-cream from her boy-toy from Spain. I saw them rubbing it onto each other a couple of times in the lounge. Didn’t see the brand though…

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
Any tips on playing tennis with a hangover? I go out with my friends on a Friday night, and my club plays their league matches on a Saturday morning. I feel like crap every time I play. I don’t want to give up my drinking, though. Have you ever been drunk/hungover on court? Maybe I could drink black coffee during the changeovers? Or is that a bad idea?
Kate,
Perth

Well here is a classy Aussie lady with some genuine conflict in life. Alcohol is a social lubricant so you might want to look into why you need to drink every time you go out with your friends. Are men that horrendous in Perth that you guys can only deal with them drunk?

The earlier generations of tennis players were more alcohol-resistant. The new generation is fine-tuned finicky bunch that will get drunk from a fart so it would be hard to give you a worthy answer. I think there is no way to combine tennis and alcohol much like driving and applying make-up, although women insist on trying to figure out a way to combine the two nonetheless. I don’t like alcohol in general, not even in a deodorant. I don’t like the way I feel afterward and frankly I’m okay with acting stupid without getting hammered prior to it. I find that drunk people look and act goofy and I want to be sober to witness it for my own amusement.

In this case, I would almost promote you continue drinking through Saturday. Start a fight on changeovers, serve at people for no reason, have an emotional breakdown. Would definitely be fun to watch this on YouTube afterwords, but as this is a family oriented column, I cannot officially condone such behavior. Drinking coffee is not a bad idea any more than getting smashed the night prior to a league match but it still is a stimulant. Stimulants in large amounts will take toll on your health so you have to weigh for yourself whether it’s worth it.

Sentinel · 03-15-2012, 08:48 PM

^ Very funny.

100 year old bodybuilder honored.

A stroke in 2011 has ensured that Manohar Aich hasn’t lifted weights in over a year. Still, he is ever present in his eponymously named gymnasium in suburban Kolkata. The young bodybuilders stare in awe as Aich flexes his rippling muscles and flashes his very wrinkled smile. Those muscles have lasted the test of time. In a couple of days, they would have lasted exactly a 100 years. Aich, at 99 years and 364 days, remains not just an inspiration to trainees in his academy or in Kolkata, but to the universe of bodybuilding in India. He has won every award worth winning in his field, including the coveted Mr Universe title. But on the day of his birth centenary, the grand old man of Indian bodybuilding will win a title he has never won before — a government award.
On Saturday, Aich will be honoured by the West Bengal government for the first time in his very long life ...

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/po...s-100/924430/0

Rock Strongo · 03-17-2012, 12:20 AM

This is basically just sample text to see how fast my new phone handles writing on the web, and so far it's going pretty damn fast.

slice bh compliment · 03-17-2012, 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock Strongo

This is basically just sample text to see how fast my new phone handles writing on the web, and so far it's going pretty damn fast.

Excellent post, truly in the spirit of this thread! Well done!

Hey, Sentinel, cute pups. You are doing God's work.
Tushar and Sentinel: in India, what's a nala? Is it a sewer? Or a roadside flood prevention ditch of some sort?

Sentinel · 03-17-2012, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slice bh compliment

Tushar and Sentinel: in India, what's a nala? Is it a sewer? Or a roadside flood prevention ditch of some sort?

Probably more appropriately spelled as nullah. A nala is a ditch (not sewer, those are closed pipes), exactly as you have described -- for roadside flood prevention.

Although, people walking on the road do throw trash into it, and a lot of people urinate there, too. so it gets clogged after a while and is unable to drain out water. Open ditches can be cleaned, but those that have been covered, one cannot clean them now.

When it rains for an hour or more, the road in front of my house has knee-deep water since the nullahs are clogged. It takes several hours for the water to subside.

For me, nullahs are where my life is. That's where stray dogs are born, that's where i look after them. I keep cleaning them out so the pups have a clean, uncluttered place to rest in.

Been a long day here, off to bed, will catch the replay of the semis tomorrow. 2330 here. (I already know the result

)

Mike Bulgakov · 03-17-2012, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sentinel

Probably more appropriately spelled as nullah. A Nadal is a ditch (a sewer), exactly as you have described -- barely suitable for roadside flood prevention.

Typical Federer fan!

Mike Bulgakov · 03-17-2012, 08:52 PM

Readers of a delicate disposition should click away now. Dmitry Tursunov has been described as ‘The Tolstoy of Tennis’, he has been called the wittiest and most outrageous man on the tour, and he has also been described as ‘complex’. Now, as The Tennis Space’s new agony uncle, the world No 49 is here to help. Well, sort of. The Russian never promised that he would answer your questions with any sensitivity.

Dearest Uncle Dmitry,
We’ve met a couple of times but you probably do not remember me. I have questions for you, questions that have been troubling me for a very long time. Your column is my only hope. I’m a fanatic tennis fan (not sure there is any other kind) and I really like one player in particular. Could you give me a guide or tips, something like ‘How to date an ATP player’. Thank you, my dearest uncle.
Best wishes,
Jess

Jess,
There are a couple of ways you can handle this. You can mope and pout or you can follow my proven dating method – ‘Stalk them and hope they give in’. Many tennis players get a little self-aware and dejected after they lose; this is when they are at their weakest. When the player wins the competition for him is at it’s highest. Just like the housing market – you got to shop when no one is buying and the market is down and out. The guy has lost, and most girls run towards uglier but more “adorable” (successful) player of the day. You have GOT to be a vulture. Jump on the weakest of the pack (the loser). Preferably go for the guy who might have got bageled, or blown off the court that day. They are really hating their life at the moment and will do pretty much anything to get their confidence back up. This is when they are shell-shocked and you can get your hands reeeeally dirty for a few cents on the dollar. But you can’t be too obvious either. Better get rid of that fanatic girl fan aura, you don’t want them to think you are crazy! Remember, they are fragile and easily scared at the moment by more trauma, so no sudden movements.

Of course there is another option. I have nominated myself as an official ATP sommelier of fan girls at the last player meeting. Well, we had to discuss something serious for once there! For a small donation to “Dmitry Tursunov Confidence Restoration Club” we can arrange a couple of dates for you. With me. You know… I can make a few suggestions, correct a few things, and put in a word for you with the other guys. I just like to help people out!

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
I’m a chair umpire who needs help regaining the respect of players after an embarrassing incident. I was recently umpiring a match at a local junior tournament. I’d been feeling dizzy all morning but thought I’d be OK for the match. However, halfway through the 3rd game, I had a really bad dizzy spell and ended up falling out of the chair. I wasn’t hurt but both the players on court wouldn’t stop laughing at me and afterwards they must have told all their friends, because apparently there’s now a rumour going round all the junior players in my neighbourhood that I was drunk during the match. This isn’t true of course, but the kids insist on believing it and spreading the rumour. So I feel really nervous about umping my next junior match because everyone will be whispering behind my back. How can I regain the trust and respect of the young players whose matches I umpire?
Lizzie,
Somewhere in London, UK

Well…. You are an umpire… You should default yourself after this, but to be honest I would promote you to ATP-level event just so this can be televised. I would sell tickets to the matches where you umpire and I would enforce a rule where the only way you can get out of the chair is by falling right out of it. I would love to get you on clay. I’d have you check the mark EVERY point!
A few things… Give them warnings and point penaties for laughing. They should be playing a match not enjoying themselves. Damn kids are so uncontrollable these days! In all honesty, however, if you can’t laugh at yourself than it will be a miserable ride. We all do stupid s— so laugh it off. Tell them at the coin toss that they should not ask you to come down to check the marks as you don’t like to fall out of the chairs a whole lot. They’ll get a kick out of it and will give you kudos points. How often do we discuss others?! Undoubtedly, someone is discussing you, me, or Kim Kardashian at the moment so whether you free-base jump out of the chair during matches or not it will not change. Embarrassing? EXTREMELY. Life-changing? Definitely not.
People will always criticize you regardless of your actions so be the way you would want a person respected by you to be.
P.S. Do lay off the gin and tonic, though…

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
My neighbours have taken up tennis recently which is great, but they have started practising very late in the room next door. Last weekend it sounded like Sharapova vs Nadal hammering out a fifth set. What is the etiquette regarding asking them to quieten down during play? Should I politely tell them to keep the noise lower, or should my wife and I bite the bullet and offer to join them in a spot of mixed?
Thanks in advance. Julian

Dude, do you live in a penthouse? How can anyone practice in an apartment? It would seem to me that you are a bit confused by what they are up to over there. In my opinon, which is the only thing you should pay atention to, you should engage your spouse in a similar activity. Try to outhammer your neighbour. A competition with the neighbours should rejuvinate your interest in the game. Offering a round of mixed doubles in these circumstances is certainly risque and very French, but hey, you only live once.

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
I’m a stand-up comedian in my spare time, and I’ve been asked to do a routine at my local club next month. The problem is that I don’t know any good tennis jokes. Please help. Please bear in mind that I’m British, and everyone else at the club is American.
James, Atlanta

The whole game of tennis is a joke. Not men’s of course! Baaaam! No no no, I’m not a chauvinist, just trying to get a reaction. I’d go with the British theme, tradition, England, Wimbledon, and how come there is no damn tea-break between sets. You must be a horrendous comedian if you are taking my advice though. One thing I enjoy, however, is picturing you in agony over the deadline and no-one getting your jokes. Nothing makes me smile more than the misery of others!

Dear Uncle Dmitry,
Recently, whenever I play tennis, I have an uncontrollable urge just to hit the ball straight out of the court, over the back fence. I’ve tried to stop myself, and to rally as normal, but then some other force takes over and I find myself whacking the ball away. What does that mean? What shall I do? I’ve been take aside by the club secretary and told my membership is under review. I know you’re not a psychologist or anything like that but I’ve heard you also have anger issues..
Janice, somewhere in the Midlands (that’s not my real name)

How the freak am I supposed to know what it means?! It means that you are a psycho and should probably check-in into a nuthouse, maybe? Sounds plausible enough…
The key to this is, I think, is… “…whenever i play tennis…” Do you see?… You see where I’m going with this? I think baseball, or boxing might be more up your alley. You know, something more soothing. Try the Twinkie Defense with your club secretary. Works for me with umpires. If you don’t know what I mean, look it up on Wikipedia.

Dear Dmitry,
I’m a 12-year-old boy in France. I want to become a tennis professional like you. What’s your advice? My parents think tennis is stupid and that I should become a lawyer. What do I say to them?
JP, Nice

Tell them that if they don’t let you do what you want to do in life than you will become a lawyer and then sue their asses for everything they’ve got!!! If this doesn’t work, you can also explain to them that if you start playing tennis and you get to be very good at it but not good enough to play professionally you can still go to a very good university in USA on a scholarship. It means you will get education in a good school for free in return for your participation on a tennis team. Whatever you do, though, you should do some kind of sport. It’s good for your health and it gives you some good lessons in life. Our bodies are designed to move, not to sit on our asses in a room. Fight the machine man! Rebel!!!!
http://www.thetennisspace.com/opinio...itry-tursunov/

Sentinel · 03-19-2012, 08:57 AM

Man, these Dmitry posts are hilarious ! And your response to my post on nullahs.

My useless info: i am still feeling awful from keeping up last night for the IW final. Eyes still red.

Mike Bulgakov · 03-24-2012, 11:49 PM

I have often bumped my head on ceilings and doorways in Gamla Stan when I have been in Stockholm. Swedes were much shorter when many of these buildings were constructed.

Mike Bulgakov · 03-26-2012, 04:49 PM

March 2012 Last updated at 15:25 ET

Borat anthem stuns Kazakh gold medallist in Kuwait

Kazakhstan's shooting team has been left stunned after a comedy national anthem from the film Borat was played at a medal ceremony at championships in Kuwait instead of the real one.

The team asked for an apology and the medal ceremony was later rerun.

The team's coach told Kazakh media the organisers had downloaded the parody from the internet by mistake.

The song was produced by UK comedian Sacha Baron Cohen for the film, which shows Kazakhs as backward and bigoted.

Footage of Thursday's original ceremony posted on YouTube shows gold medallist Maria Dmitrienko listening to the anthem without emotion and finally smiling as it ends.

Coach Anvar Yunusmetov told Kazakh news agency Tengrinews that the tournament's organisers had also got the Serbian national anthem wrong.

"Then Maria Dmitrienko's turn came," he said. "She got up on to the pedestal and they played a completely different anthem, offensive to Kazakhstan."

The spoof song praises Kazakhstan for its superior potassium exports and for having the cleanest prostitutes in the region.

The film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, released in 2006, follows Baron Cohen's character, the journalist Borat Sagdiyev, as he travels to the US and pursues the actress Pamela Anderson.

The film outraged people in Kazakhstan and was eventually banned in the country. The government also threatened Baron Cohen with legal action.

Reports say the film is also banned in Kuwait.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-17491344

Sentinel · 03-26-2012, 07:38 PM

Summer commences here in Middle-Earth where I live

Some nice morning photographs
http://www.thedesignwork.com/50-cool...orning-photos/

Sentinel · 03-28-2012, 10:16 PM

Firefly Squid, Japan

Sentinel · 03-29-2012, 05:09 AM

Musical Instrument ?

Rock Strongo · 03-30-2012, 01:01 PM

I'm drinking scotch and soda.

Rock Strongo · 03-31-2012, 09:50 AM

I decided to have fun with some kids at the club and I came up with the idea to see how much my racquet flexed, and needless to say it went tell!

03-15-2012, 04:32 PM	#3506
Mike Bulgakov Rookie Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: The Future Posts: 377	Dmitry Tursunov has been missing on the tour recently. I was worried after hearing the rumour that Dmitry went mad at a Challenger tournament in Laos, and is now living there in a hotel room full of cats, so I googled "Dmitry Tursunov." One of the results was an advice column he wrote, "Ask Dmitry: Tursunov's agony uncle column," which I found amusing. http://www.thetennisspace.com/opinio...-uncle-column/ Dear Dmitry, Any advice for how to deal with opponents who always starts a conversation with each other just as I’m preparing to serve? This is in a “friendly” ladies’ group in Cincinnati. Thanks! Love the column, Maria H. Dear Maria, In all my time in tennis I have never seen a friendly ladies league match. You girls are marking your territories like rabid raccoons! Why do I have to teach you everything?! Set their hair on fire, pour laxative in their drinks, compliment how well they’ve packed on the pounds or sound amazed that they are finally pregnant by pointing at their tummy. You’ve got to use your creativity to cause destruction. After all, you girls do it so well when you get married to a man, so just direct that energy towards your opponents instead. The whole point of these friendly matches is not to win them, but to obliterate your opponent emotionally. A high from a win will wear out in a day or two, but an emotional put-down will stay with them far longer than that. If this doesn’t work, practice hard on target serving. It will come in handy! Dear Uncle Dmitry, What’s your stance on sun-visors? Manly or not manly? Alexander, London Well I just find them absolutely repulsive. Nothing says… God!.. Just any adjective I have in mind would be edited here, so… I don’t know… I just get violent when I think about them! I almost punched a lady sleeping in the seat next to me on an airplane when I read the question. A visor is definitely a tool to destabilize your opponent. Or anyone looking at you, for that matter. You want to look like a tool? Want everyone to hate you? Want to give a middle finger to society? This is the biggest finger you can find! What is the meaning of it?! Who thought it was better than a hat? Why do so many golfers wear it? I think it’s all self-explanatory. You just need a pair of khaki shorts, a pastel colored polo shirt with the collar sticking up, a pair of sports polarized sunglasses, and a belt-clip for your I-phone. Maybe a fanny-pack, to complete the look. Stitch your name on your golf-bag and say good-bye to your sex life. Other than that, it’s okay. Dear Uncle Dmitry, Which is the best language to swear in? Every umpire knows English swear-words, and all the decent ones know all the naughty words in a few other languages too. I’m looking for a good language to swear in when I’m playing. Two reasons. One, I won’t get thrown out of tournaments. Two, it will make me look sophisticated (I think). Please help!! Charlie, London Charlie, If you are trying to impress the ladies, go with French or Italian. These are just superb at making you sound dead sexy to a woman. There must be something in the frequencies of these languages that women will literally have an orgasm if you speak these languages. I don’t have to speak them as I can achieve this result even if I whisper into a woman’s ear in Dutch or German, but if I wasn’t me, I’d learn these two languages first. If, however, you want to learn a language to avoid an umpire, which is unlikely, as you are a guy and guys only think about one thing (Oh, no! What? Nobody is calling me a man-hater for this one?!?!) I would go with something truly exotic. Like Hindi for example. I always wondered if Gandhi was swearing when he spoke. He probably did too, but he was so cute and disarming, and his head wouldn’t stop moving… You’d never think he was swearing at you! There is a large Indian population in London so you could practice your swearing as well. For example, if I go to a Chinese restaurant, the waiters and the chef always look and sound as if they are about to start throwing knifes and frying pans at each other, so I think you’d come off too aggressive trying to speak Mandarin on the court. You can also give it a shot cursing in Tongues Dear Uncle Dmitry, I’ve read your first column on The Tennis Space and I’m so excited about your new position as ‘ATP sommelier of fan-girls’. Congratulations! Well-deserved. Before I send in my CV and photo for your review, I’d like to look my best first. I believe I look good enough but one thing can be improved… I want Andrea Petkovic’s abs. Best WTA abs so far. Hands-down. Have you ever by chances noticed hers? Could you please give me advice what she’s been doing during the training, what she’s been eating… With abs like hers, I’m confident that you won’t have a hard time ‘selling’ my CV and it would make your job easier. Win-win, eh? Cheers, Angela PS. Your job scope includes retired players? You have Marat Safin’s address, right? Thank you Angela! I completely agree – it is well deserved, but I try to be humble about it. It is a lot of work, as many of the tennis players tend to focus on themselves and their careers, overlooking the fact that it’s the fan-girls who allow us to lead the lifestyle. I just try to give back what I can. Now, onto your question. First off, (Marat) and I do not like a hardcore abs on a woman. We are old-school types who feel a woman is sexier and more sensual when it’s a nice toned tummy with just a hint of a six-pack. Obviously I’m not talking about a beer-belly, but a man and a woman have different bodies and a woman naturally will have a little more body-fat. It is more challenging to get a six-pack for a woman. Pilates, Yoga, and some core exercises are all good in achieving a more toned look as the first two, in general, lengthen and tone your muscles rather than bulk you up. The biggest issue however is the fact that there is a layer of fat between muscles and the skin so not only do you have to exercise to strengthen the muscle but also do some cardio to burn off the fat. I would suggest looking at your body-type first and foremost. You won’t cheat nature so you’ll work with what you have. Secondly, research on what you input into your body. Alcoholic drinks, breads, sugars, processed foods; sodas are all a huge factor of your well-being. By adjusting your diet, and exercises you can transform your body without radical sacrifices. Set small attainable goals, in terms of your regimen, make a list of all the foods in your household and make the necessary adjustments. Also, remember that being sexy has a lot to do with how YOU feel about yourself. Well, that, and with what I tell you as well. I’m not promoting starvation, but neither do I promote eating like a pig and saying that people shouldn’t be superficial and judge you by your looks. There should be a balance and no radical changes right off the bat. Take it one step at a time. Control what you can. The less preparation stages the food goes through the better it is for you. Fruit, vegetables, grains are all substitutes for sugars, cornstarch, and Doritos. You just have to make right choices. Andrea does that. You know, its funny you mentioned her, because… I taught her a few moves myself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hSKw...e_gdata_player She pays attention to what she puts in her gas tank. Crap fuel will kill your engine. She also most likely uses the ab-cream from her boy-toy from Spain. I saw them rubbing it onto each other a couple of times in the lounge. Didn’t see the brand though… Dear Uncle Dmitry, Any tips on playing tennis with a hangover? I go out with my friends on a Friday night, and my club plays their league matches on a Saturday morning. I feel like crap every time I play. I don’t want to give up my drinking, though. Have you ever been drunk/hungover on court? Maybe I could drink black coffee during the changeovers? Or is that a bad idea? Kate, Perth Well here is a classy Aussie lady with some genuine conflict in life. Alcohol is a social lubricant so you might want to look into why you need to drink every time you go out with your friends. Are men that horrendous in Perth that you guys can only deal with them drunk? The earlier generations of tennis players were more alcohol-resistant. The new generation is fine-tuned finicky bunch that will get drunk from a fart so it would be hard to give you a worthy answer. I think there is no way to combine tennis and alcohol much like driving and applying make-up, although women insist on trying to figure out a way to combine the two nonetheless. I don’t like alcohol in general, not even in a deodorant. I don’t like the way I feel afterward and frankly I’m okay with acting stupid without getting hammered prior to it. I find that drunk people look and act goofy and I want to be sober to witness it for my own amusement. In this case, I would almost promote you continue drinking through Saturday. Start a fight on changeovers, serve at people for no reason, have an emotional breakdown. Would definitely be fun to watch this on YouTube afterwords, but as this is a family oriented column, I cannot officially condone such behavior. Drinking coffee is not a bad idea any more than getting smashed the night prior to a league match but it still is a stimulant. Stimulants in large amounts will take toll on your health so you have to weigh for yourself whether it’s worth it. __________________ "The illusion which exalts us is dearer to us than ten thousand truths." Pushkin

03-15-2012, 08:48 PM	#3507
Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Shutter Island, unfortunately ... Posts: 23,336	^ Very funny. 100 year old bodybuilder honored. A stroke in 2011 has ensured that Manohar Aich hasn’t lifted weights in over a year. Still, he is ever present in his eponymously named gymnasium in suburban Kolkata. The young bodybuilders stare in awe as Aich flexes his rippling muscles and flashes his very wrinkled smile. Those muscles have lasted the test of time. In a couple of days, they would have lasted exactly a 100 years. Aich, at 99 years and 364 days, remains not just an inspiration to trainees in his academy or in Kolkata, but to the universe of bodybuilding in India. He has won every award worth winning in his field, including the coveted Mr Universe title. But on the day of his birth centenary, the grand old man of Indian bodybuilding will win a title he has never won before — a government award. On Saturday, Aich will be honoured by the West Bengal government for the first time in his very long life ... http://www.indianexpress.com/news/po...s-100/924430/0 __________________ Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.

03-17-2012, 12:20 AM	#3508
Rock Strongo Hall Of Fame Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Sweden Posts: 3,821	This is basically just sample text to see how fast my new phone handles writing on the web, and so far it's going pretty damn fast. __________________ ¡uoɔǝıɹɐW ʎǝH

03-17-2012, 08:52 PM	#3512
Mike Bulgakov Rookie Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: The Future Posts: 377	More "Ask Dmitry: agony uncle Dmitry Tursunov" Readers of a delicate disposition should click away now. Dmitry Tursunov has been described as ‘The Tolstoy of Tennis’, he has been called the wittiest and most outrageous man on the tour, and he has also been described as ‘complex’. Now, as The Tennis Space’s new agony uncle, the world No 49 is here to help. Well, sort of. The Russian never promised that he would answer your questions with any sensitivity. Dearest Uncle Dmitry, We’ve met a couple of times but you probably do not remember me. I have questions for you, questions that have been troubling me for a very long time. Your column is my only hope. I’m a fanatic tennis fan (not sure there is any other kind) and I really like one player in particular. Could you give me a guide or tips, something like ‘How to date an ATP player’. Thank you, my dearest uncle. Best wishes, Jess Jess, There are a couple of ways you can handle this. You can mope and pout or you can follow my proven dating method – ‘Stalk them and hope they give in’. Many tennis players get a little self-aware and dejected after they lose; this is when they are at their weakest. When the player wins the competition for him is at it’s highest. Just like the housing market – you got to shop when no one is buying and the market is down and out. The guy has lost, and most girls run towards uglier but more “adorable” (successful) player of the day. You have GOT to be a vulture. Jump on the weakest of the pack (the loser). Preferably go for the guy who might have got bageled, or blown off the court that day. They are really hating their life at the moment and will do pretty much anything to get their confidence back up. This is when they are shell-shocked and you can get your hands reeeeally dirty for a few cents on the dollar. But you can’t be too obvious either. Better get rid of that fanatic girl fan aura, you don’t want them to think you are crazy! Remember, they are fragile and easily scared at the moment by more trauma, so no sudden movements. Of course there is another option. I have nominated myself as an official ATP sommelier of fan girls at the last player meeting. Well, we had to discuss something serious for once there! For a small donation to “Dmitry Tursunov Confidence Restoration Club” we can arrange a couple of dates for you. With me. You know… I can make a few suggestions, correct a few things, and put in a word for you with the other guys. I just like to help people out! Dear Uncle Dmitry, I’m a chair umpire who needs help regaining the respect of players after an embarrassing incident. I was recently umpiring a match at a local junior tournament. I’d been feeling dizzy all morning but thought I’d be OK for the match. However, halfway through the 3rd game, I had a really bad dizzy spell and ended up falling out of the chair. I wasn’t hurt but both the players on court wouldn’t stop laughing at me and afterwards they must have told all their friends, because apparently there’s now a rumour going round all the junior players in my neighbourhood that I was drunk during the match. This isn’t true of course, but the kids insist on believing it and spreading the rumour. So I feel really nervous about umping my next junior match because everyone will be whispering behind my back. How can I regain the trust and respect of the young players whose matches I umpire? Lizzie, Somewhere in London, UK Well…. You are an umpire… You should default yourself after this, but to be honest I would promote you to ATP-level event just so this can be televised. I would sell tickets to the matches where you umpire and I would enforce a rule where the only way you can get out of the chair is by falling right out of it. I would love to get you on clay. I’d have you check the mark EVERY point! A few things… Give them warnings and point penaties for laughing. They should be playing a match not enjoying themselves. Damn kids are so uncontrollable these days! In all honesty, however, if you can’t laugh at yourself than it will be a miserable ride. We all do stupid s— so laugh it off. Tell them at the coin toss that they should not ask you to come down to check the marks as you don’t like to fall out of the chairs a whole lot. They’ll get a kick out of it and will give you kudos points. How often do we discuss others?! Undoubtedly, someone is discussing you, me, or Kim Kardashian at the moment so whether you free-base jump out of the chair during matches or not it will not change. Embarrassing? EXTREMELY. Life-changing? Definitely not. People will always criticize you regardless of your actions so be the way you would want a person respected by you to be. P.S. Do lay off the gin and tonic, though… Dear Uncle Dmitry, My neighbours have taken up tennis recently which is great, but they have started practising very late in the room next door. Last weekend it sounded like Sharapova vs Nadal hammering out a fifth set. What is the etiquette regarding asking them to quieten down during play? Should I politely tell them to keep the noise lower, or should my wife and I bite the bullet and offer to join them in a spot of mixed? Thanks in advance. Julian Dude, do you live in a penthouse? How can anyone practice in an apartment? It would seem to me that you are a bit confused by what they are up to over there. In my opinon, which is the only thing you should pay atention to, you should engage your spouse in a similar activity. Try to outhammer your neighbour. A competition with the neighbours should rejuvinate your interest in the game. Offering a round of mixed doubles in these circumstances is certainly risque and very French, but hey, you only live once. Dear Uncle Dmitry, I’m a stand-up comedian in my spare time, and I’ve been asked to do a routine at my local club next month. The problem is that I don’t know any good tennis jokes. Please help. Please bear in mind that I’m British, and everyone else at the club is American. James, Atlanta The whole game of tennis is a joke. Not men’s of course! Baaaam! No no no, I’m not a chauvinist, just trying to get a reaction. I’d go with the British theme, tradition, England, Wimbledon, and how come there is no damn tea-break between sets. You must be a horrendous comedian if you are taking my advice though. One thing I enjoy, however, is picturing you in agony over the deadline and no-one getting your jokes. Nothing makes me smile more than the misery of others! Dear Uncle Dmitry, Recently, whenever I play tennis, I have an uncontrollable urge just to hit the ball straight out of the court, over the back fence. I’ve tried to stop myself, and to rally as normal, but then some other force takes over and I find myself whacking the ball away. What does that mean? What shall I do? I’ve been take aside by the club secretary and told my membership is under review. I know you’re not a psychologist or anything like that but I’ve heard you also have anger issues.. Janice, somewhere in the Midlands (that’s not my real name) How the freak am I supposed to know what it means?! It means that you are a psycho and should probably check-in into a nuthouse, maybe? Sounds plausible enough… The key to this is, I think, is… “…whenever i play tennis…” Do you see?… You see where I’m going with this? I think baseball, or boxing might be more up your alley. You know, something more soothing. Try the Twinkie Defense with your club secretary. Works for me with umpires. If you don’t know what I mean, look it up on Wikipedia. Dear Dmitry, I’m a 12-year-old boy in France. I want to become a tennis professional like you. What’s your advice? My parents think tennis is stupid and that I should become a lawyer. What do I say to them? JP, Nice Tell them that if they don’t let you do what you want to do in life than you will become a lawyer and then sue their asses for everything they’ve got!!! If this doesn’t work, you can also explain to them that if you start playing tennis and you get to be very good at it but not good enough to play professionally you can still go to a very good university in USA on a scholarship. It means you will get education in a good school for free in return for your participation on a tennis team. Whatever you do, though, you should do some kind of sport. It’s good for your health and it gives you some good lessons in life. Our bodies are designed to move, not to sit on our asses in a room. Fight the machine man! Rebel!!!! http://www.thetennisspace.com/opinio...itry-tursunov/ __________________ "The illusion which exalts us is dearer to us than ten thousand truths." Pushkin

03-19-2012, 08:57 AM	#3513
Sentinel Talk Tennis Guru Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Shutter Island, unfortunately ... Posts: 23,336	Man, these Dmitry posts are hilarious ! And your response to my post on nullahs. My useless info: i am still feeling awful from keeping up last night for the IW final. Eyes still red. __________________ Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far.