Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

[Leelord337]

^^^haha, thats pretty good

[ChuDat]

What did the statue say to the other statue?
-is tat ue?

Why cant filipinos vote?
-Cause they eat all the ballot or balut

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soap?
-You can roast beef but you cant pee soup

What did the white goat say to the black goat?
-Eh goat or egot

[Sentinel]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,

and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Kal-El 34]

money doesn't buy happiness...

that phrase should end with "just kidding"

[Kal-El 34]

girls these days like to sum up their views by saying things like "im not religious, but im spiritual."

I like to respond "hi, im not honest, but you're interesting."

[vbranis]

Originally Posted by Sentinel

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,

and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

ROTFL, that was a great one, totally didn't see it coming.

[Sentinel]

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

[ogruskie]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?


None. Feminists can't change anything.

[Sentinel]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

[Dedans Penthouse]

Originally Posted by ogruskie

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Feminists can't change anything.

I'm probably gonna get 'P.C.' hammered for this but...what the hell...

Q: What's the difference between a feminist and a sperm whale?
A: Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.



I'm definitely gonna get hammered for this one:

Q: What's the difference between Great White and Billy Joel?
A: "We Didn't Start the Fire"

[ChuDat]

Q: what did juan say when his roof fell on him?
A: Get off me homes

Q: Which pokemon has no fat?
A: Butterfree

Q: which pokemon looks at you while you change?
A: Pikachu or peek-a-chu

[Sentinel]

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

[Sentinel]

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them
when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared.
He always used his standard response to the first question after winnng.

But this time.....
Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!

Inzamam:
All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi.
It was tight situation when he went in.
Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions.
It's all team effort.
Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result.

Tony fainted!

[Leelord337]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "hey bartender, I'd like to buy a drink." the bartender replies to him "for you, no charge"

[Sentinel]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
> A point of view.
Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, > did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several
> years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
> customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
> She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women
> still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters'
> vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
> Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back
> behind their husbands, and are happy tomaintain the old
> custom.
> Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
> 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you
> once tried so desperately to change?
> 'The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes,
> and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

[0range]

^ that's hilarious!

[westside]

Originally Posted by Sentinel

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them
when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared.
He always used his standard response to the first question after winnng.

But this time.....
Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!

Inzamam:
All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi.
It was tight situation when he went in.
Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions.
It's all team effort.
Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result.

Tony fainted!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Absolute gold!

[Sentinel]

(I hope my chinese friends wont be offended by this joke/poetry)

CHINESE DETECTIVE's REPORT

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese
detective... the cheapest one he could find.

This is the Chinese detectives report...

Most honorable sir!
You leave house.I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He
kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,
Thanks,
Myong Chang Lee

[J011yroger]

Originally Posted by Leelord337

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "hey bartender, I'd like to buy a drink." the bartender replies to him "for you, no charge"

A teary eyed Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and tells the bartende he has lost his electron.

"Are you sure?" The bartender asks.

"I'm Positive." Replies the atom.

J

[OroDeSantoro]

Originally Posted by J011yroger

A teary eyed Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and tells the bartende he has lost his electron.

"Are you sure?" The bartender asks.

"I'm Positive." Replies the atom.

J

H ell yeah! We need more science jokes...

An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron cellmate, "What are you in for?" To which the latter replied, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
...Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!


::baddum ching::