Fair. I see. Thank you for your honesty.
@Zara If you can stand to read one novel here and respond I promise to leave you alone until next weekend after tonight (and if I go back on that you can cut me out completely)
I cling onto people that fascinate me. It is as you said almost a possessiveness type thing. You and Ghost are two such people. I understand that it makes you uncomfortable, it would anybody, I get it. It’s an addiction that gets fiendish at times.
I know you and others here have a life outside of this and that’s good, I’m glad for you guys. This forum is a bigger deal for me than most because it represents basically all my socialization. In real life I am a loner and find superficial conversations with others mostly draining.
I’m trying to rectify that in part, retaking up golf, trying to get a job etc. In fact that’s what triggered my mom’s rant at me last night was the fact there’s no way we can do that (see about the job) now because of her health. She was also later more calmly informing me that because of my lack of self sufficiency there’s no way I’d be able to do that anyways and I’d just lose my disability and have to live without a net. It’s hard to hear such things but they are true. With no other outlet I turn here.
I don’t really care strongly about many people. I’m not someone that goes around trying to be friends with everyone. But when I do get connected with someone I get infatuated with them, almost obsessed. I say this again not to make you uncomfortable but just stating how I feel about you. The best part of almost every day for me the last year is when you or Ghost post to me, it makes my heart sing for a few minutes and gives me a respite from my miserable self.
I say none of this to excuse by behavior which I know is bad. This forum is like a drug for me, and clinging to it is like an addiction I can’t kick.
My parents don’t know what I’ve been doing on here the last year and a half, if they knew even 5% of it (telling personal stuff, acting the way I often have) they’d kill me. I do this at great personal risk, knowing I could get caught anytime. And I feel guilty about that, basically lying to them and living a double life, but at the same time I think of it weren’t for my doing this I might be dead already or have done much worse things in real life.
I’m living my life very scared now, of what the future holds. I don’t know if in 5 years (whether my mom is around or not) I’ll be somewhat adjusted or if I’ll be in a pit. My nerves feel like they are top of my skin all the time with anxiety & guilt. That guy I was telling you about recently is what I’m terrified of becoming. He’s on a path to self destruction with drinking, partying, drugs, diabetes, no one to really care about him, etc. I feel like that could so easily end up being me.
I do understand. My ex girlfriend acted a lot like me when were together. She drove me and my parents bat crap crazy hanging onto me all the time and acting needy, demanding that I talk to her 2+hours a day to fight about our relationship status. She was starved for affection, she had no mom and a dad taking care of her that worked most of the time, and being autistic herself had no life or friends.
It drove us crazy, and for other reasons there’s no way the relationship could work. But I still hated with everything in me that I had to cut her off. And I understand why afterwards she sent me about 20 hysterical voicemails and begged me to go back, even trying to cause trouble for me the rest of that year. It’s easy to judge someone like that, but I understand, that’s how I feel here. I mean I wouldn’t try to cause you trouble but you know what I mean hopefully.
I love you as a great friend and I admit it hurts to hear the truth, but I want you to know I understand. I’ve been on both sides of this kind of situation. Peace be with you.
PS What I said about FFW was indeed uncalled for, I got caught up in group bullying which being who I am should know better.
