Hi, I don't know where to start. I would tell this to a counselor, therapist, or a parent but I currently don't have any of those in my life. I don't really have a close friend to pour my heart out, but knowing the maturity level and mental fortitude of most of the members on this board, I decided to confide on this thread. Its moments like these where I wish I had a God figure to draw support from and receive guidance but I guess I have to start somewhere. I want to make it clear that this isn't a sob story. I'm in a tough place and just need guidance. I'm just going to tell you guys my current situation. But here is my background information first: I turned 19 on July 18th of this year. 6 days later, I watched the movie Inception. During the previews for the movie I decided that I wanted to become an actor. I don't know how exactly that thought formulated in my head. I'm taking acting classes currently in the Jacksonville Community Theatre and truly enjoy it. After going home, I researched all the major stars-Tom Cruise (frist film at 19), Orlando Bloom (first show 17), Brad Pitt (first movie 23/24), John Krasinski (first movie 20), Zac Efron (first movie 15)etc. And noticed that most of them started a lot younger than me. I went to my bedroom and buried my head into a pillow, wishing I'd of started sooner. I was looking back at the time I was 15 and had a mental breakdown because I had become very nostalgic-moving from place, to place, missing friends and the lifestyle I'd have, and just the fact that we are all getting older, universally and all reaching one point-death. I thought more about my younger brother and how I thought he was very cute and innocent; and wished he could stay like that forever and not change. I thought about how 15 sounded like such a huge number and I wished I could just at least freeze time so I wouldn't have to face the challenges and realities of adulthood. I don't know how crazy I was, but I remember being extremely sad, talking to my guidance counselors and teachers from my freshman year about it. The lowlight of that year was talking to my guidance counselor about freezing time so everyday was the same exact day so I wouldn't have to get older. Part of it, I guess was seeing people like my grandfather, father, celebrities, tennis players and other older people who I looked up to so much, feeling inadequate and not ready to become what I saw, nowing full well that adulthood was inevitable. So I kinda panicked. In front of the whole school and then I remember once, randomly going up to people in the grocery store asking about their opinions on growing up. One of things I find hard, even to this day is accepting that someone started something earlier than me. I remember watching the commencement speeches in 2006 when I was 15 and one of the US Open courts was named in Billie Jean King's honor, I think. That day was dark too, for me at least. All the great players of yesteryear were giving their thoughts and John McEnroe gave was given the mic and he recalled a story about when he was 14. I really freaked out then and then I started to cry. I was thinking about how I felt sorry for myself for turning 15 and getting an epiphany and not getting it at 14. I don't know how to explain, but I felt the extremes of compunction. Why did I feel that way? I didn't murder anyone, didn't do anything to hurt anyone, or anything to harm someone sexually. I kinda blocked out those feelings because my family was getting worried that I was suicidal, and the thoughts slowly faded away. 4 years later, I'm 19 now and have recently been inspired to act. I just wish I knew this at 15, because thats when I wish I started to get into acting. Is there anyway I can be at peace with myself? All I want to know is why I didn't have the drive to act when I was 15. I guess I wish I had a sense of myself in the past and am now even nostalgic for the things I've seen and experienced when I was 15. I'm very confused now, I just need help... Is there anyone out there who at least understands what I'm saying? I guess what if I had to summarize what I'm saying here is the major the points: 1. I recently discovered my passion for atcting at age (gulp) 19. I wish I developed this talent earlier like stars like Orlando Bloom, Robert Pattinson, etc. did. It really hurts me that I didn't start earlier, but I didn't. I can't accept that personally so I've been trying to tell myself that I started at 10 when I did a production of Hamlet as Hamlet in my elementary school in 5th grade. I know its pathetic. But if I had one wish, it would be to be to realize that I wish I wanted to be an actor at a younger age. As I write it, I realize how I sound like I have lost my marbles but thats just how I feel. Is there any way to stop regretting? I know the obvious answer is to stop and there is nothing I can do about it because it is in my past but I just can't get past it. Maybe something encouraging or someone who knows a lot about quantum physics and time could help as well... 2. I think one of things could be that I don't know my younger self, maybe I just want to know more about my younger self and what he thought about acting and it as a career. Maybe he thought of it as a career being liar. Its driving me crazy not knowing these kind of things. I don't know whats crazier: having that thought or the fact that it drives me crazy not knowing how I feel about it. Just writing about my experiences of being 15 and my mental breakdown and how it related to me now makes me feel nostalgic for those days in 2006. Its these kind of things that I don't know how to deal with. 3. You have so many good memories, when you look back you wish you had them back but when you look back up you don't realize that realize the new ones you create. So, in a way I wish I had the old me back (15 years old, 4 years back) when I was looking back when I was 14. 4. It feels great having the support of family when I was having a hard time with life 4 years ago. I don't know how to move on. And even if I did go back to 15 I'm wishing I just knew one thing: that I wanted to be an actor. 5. Is there any help I can get? I can't see a counselor right now, I rereading this I know a lot of it is hard t understand. I just want to feel happy again, these thoughts are consuming me, eating away at everything I do. I've devoted the last two weeks of my life trying to figure it out. I know I made a lot of “ this probably makes me crazy” references, its just that I don't want to be labeled as one for the nuthouse because I think I'm pretty normal outside of this. 6. So any any help is greatly appreciated and even the smallest of advice is welcomed. I know seeing a counselor is highly recommended. I don't feel comfortable around when I talked to my guidance counselor back 4 years ago and school hasn't started yet so I don't have access to one. I feel like I'm always going to be in pursuit for something I can't have (e.g. age 15, 14, 13,12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0 etc.) I just need some kind thoughts.