Australian Open 2022: Future Predictions Welcome!

Thought this would be a nice troll thread idea. Feel free to post your joke predictions about the Australian Open in 2022. Here's mine:

Kyrgios has dropped down in the rankings since the middle of last year, having exited the top 100. But this is a tactical tank. He uses a WC to get into the Australian Open main draw and wins his first few matches very comfortably. However, he loses motivation after Novak Djokovic loses in the quarterfinals (and retires from the sport afterwards) and thus tanks his semifinal match against Cilic 6-1 6-0 ... before the Croat chokes even this match away and loses 1-6 0-6 7-6 7-6 10-8, setting the new record for most MPs squandered in a single match at 21.

Zverev, the defending champion of 7/9 Masters 1000 and a defending 3rd Round-ist at all four slams, pressures the tournament organizers to make the switch to Bo3. Shortly afterward, the recently retired Roger Federer buys out the AO and reverts the decision, as well as eliminating the fifth set tiebreak permanently. Zverev is in fumes as he walks out into the court for his first round match. Shortly afterward, he really is running on fumes and crashes out against a geriatric and bald Grigor Dimitrov (1-6 7-6 6-4 6-1) with the loss of seven rackets.

Thiem, the four-time defending French Open and Madrid champion (and two-time Rome finalist), skips the event for a ATP 250 clay court event hosted in Mallorca, Spain. In his press conference, he stresses the need for more clay preparation, claiming that "the French Open is the ultimate achievement in tennis. The more preparation, the better." As he says this, he heads back to the courts to begin another 11-hour training session with his new Spanish coach, also from Mallorca.

Tsitsipas, hailed as the next, next, next Roger Federer, cruises through his first three matches until he faces the BS Russian himself in the semifinals.
Set 1: Tsitsipas takes a comfortable lead until Medvedev takes a relatively short toilet break while serving to stay in the set. Upon his return, Tsitsipas mutters audible obscenities at him. Medvedev calls out the chair umpire (Carlos Bernandes) for not issuing a warning and slips an object resembling a Russian coin under Bernandes' seat. Tsitsipas wins 6-4
Set 2: A series of five consecutive questionable calls leads Tsitsipas to berate the linesman on Medvedev's side of the court. Daniil himself accuses Tsitsipas of intentionally delaying the match, particularly considering all five calls were actually proven to be correct. Words were exchanged and Stefanos responded by serving out the game with an underhand serve. Medvedev goes on to win in a tiebreak, 7-6
Set 3: During the second changeover, Tsitsipas requests another toilet break, at which Medvedev quietly whispers to him something around the lines of "You ------ shut your ----- up", according to a nearby ballboy, although this has been disputed by some, including Medvedev himself. This leads to a heated exchange somewhat parallel to their infamous first encounter in Miami several years back, but with fistcuffs. What follows is a landmark event in Grand Slam history as it is the first time both players were defaulted in a match. As Medvedev was about to serve for the set, the victory of the match is attributed to him, extending his H2H with Tsitsipas to 21-0.

As a result, surprise quarterfinalist and Lucky Loser Bernard Tomic (whom Tsitsipas took out in straights prior to facing Medvedev) gets lucky again and automatically advances to the final against fellow Aussie Nick Kyrgios. He becomes the only person to reach the final of a tournament outside the WTF with two losses on the way (one in qualifying and one in the quarterfinals). He would have played a semifinal match against Medvedev's previous opponent, Kei Nishikori, but the Japanese tennis star was surprisingly injured. Therefore, Tomic did not even play the semifinal in his controversial road to the final.

In a battle (or lack thereof) for the ages, each player skillfully tanks a set to prepare for the next one. But Kyrgios took it on a higher plane as he tanked one set later than Tomic, giving him an easy lead. He wins 6-1 0-6 6-3 1-6 7-5. After the third set, Tomic realized what he was up to and made it slightly more competitive. In the end, though, Kyrgios became the Australian Open champion for the first time. In a quick post-match speech, he tells the crowd he will retire from the sport, adding that he's "sorry to tell you that, mate," and leaving Rod Laver Arena on the spot.
Forgot to add, El Shapo, the defending AO and US Open finalist and Real Slam champion makes it to the quarterfinals, losing to Kyrgios in four. Supposedly, he spent the entirety of the previous night writing lyrics for his new rap song, "Shaps in the hood" (inspired by a recent trip to East St. Louis, USA), and was too tired for his match. Priorities.

Felix Double-A, the defending Wimbledon and US Open champion (and WTF runner-up; Stefanos was too much for him there), had to retire from his third round match against Milos Raonic due to a knee injury. So no controversy for him this time.


Hall of Fame
I typed something but then cleared it back. This prediction game is boring. Bring back some gladiators to tennis courts please. And force retire everyone above 23 already.