Does anybody else feel this way?

Fandango

Fandango

Rookie
Guys, in no way am I trying to emo or a depressive, but I've just had a lot of time for self reflection.

Its been a rough ride for the last couple of years, and I just smile at the fact of how much my life in a short time. I graduated high school last fall and now I'm in my second semester of college. In high school I used to play on my tennis team and was captain and played number one. It was probably the only good thing I could say about myself when people came in from town. I also used to skateboard and earned preferred skater sponsorship from Fallen.

During the summer, I really went after skateboarding with additional fire from the package and broke my back from fargoing off a roof after leveling out lately.

So my parents made me leave my skateboard behind before I went to college.

After high school graduation I moved away from the town I used to live in to a much bigger one for the college I am currently attending, although my main goal is to transfer to a state school.


Soon after, I recieved a job, from a programming company (partly because my uncle was on of the division leaders and showed me the ins and outs of the job description). I had a great time with co-workers who knew how to have a good time and who I also respected deeply. We had a lot of fun working on programming projects as well getting used to demands of an office environment. I also met this girl who I absolutely stunning in my eyes-a face that expressed a free spirit coupled with a gentleness I have never seen. I went crazy for her yet never summoned enough courage to ever ask her out.

I've always had the burning desire to skateboard once again and thanks to the university's allowance of students to skateboard on campus, I've managed to pay for a skateboard from a close friend. But having the programming job has assimilated me into a whole new world of maturity and professionalism. When I told my co-workers my hobbies (like skateboarding) they kinda laughed at me indirectly. Although, I honestly didn't care what they thought initially. Later I realized that not everyone respects the timing and dedication of the crafts like tennis and skateboarding and it was a whole new ball game now. My idols were slowly changing, from the likes of Greg Lutzka to Jim Halpert from The Office.

Gone were the days of picking girls with with casually asking them for a hit, even though they were far below my level. All though I was nothing great in tennis (I always lost in the annual district tournaments in high school) I used it to my advantage that no one was really into tennis back in my town and everyone was amazed at how skilled I was compared to the above average players on the high school team.

I eventually lost my job at the programming company due to a transfer, I never really got the same satisfaction I had from the previous one. I used to really look forward to seeing my cool co-workers and the girl I used to like everyday. My plan was to eventually get to know her well (and woo her) well enough and ask her out. But it never happened. So each day at the new job, it felt depressing. I always had the hope of transferring once again. But as the days went on, I realized how improbable it seemed that one day that I would get my old job back. I started to have a sense of despondency and my life was soon filled with school work and work with a little tennis from someone I used to play with from usta tournaments to keep my sanity.

Then I lost my job in the winter due to "lack of motivation", and I haven't told my parents yet because they were so proud that I could actually stand on my own two feet. So, during this semester I've been on a tight budget, except for food, I've been ordering delivery each day by hacking into the school's identification card program that has an account that allows a person to make purchases at accepting locations. I honestly don't know long that is going to last though.

I also did something very stupid this semester by moving into an apartment instead of living on campus because it had a kitchen and living room. I don't get to see any of my old friends plus my only friend who played tennis on a competitive level from campus besides from seeing them from breaks from class. I would call them but I got a new phone and I forgot to transfer the numbers. So the last couple of months have been going to class and just cruising the internet and facebook and playing movies all day. Also, I haven't had the motivation to get out of the dorm a whole lot. I am hoping to write film reviews for independent films/international films for some cash like my english teacher back in high school did.

Life just seems so empty right now, and first time in a long time, I asked myself if this is all there is to life. And I didn't even feel like getting out of bed because I knew that there would be nothing to do that seemed to sustain me.

If I can't find anything, I'm hoping that music will help, because on monday and tuesday I managed to plug away two straight hours on the piano with-out knowing any music theory or anything about the keys it was horrible but I'm really looking forward to exploring something that I was interested in yet never seemed to grasp.

Also, I've been concentrating on the scars on my skin and how they all seem impossible to remove. And I've been looking at all these models and how they seem to have perfect skin without scars.

I look in the mirror and I have the everyguy kind of cuteness-like Jim Halpert from the office and edward norton from fight club. nothing special, but something that takes an acquired taste I guess.

But I just see these scars and they seem so hideous.



Anyways thank you for listening, and I was wondering what I should do.
I'm sure most of these problems can be alleviated if I had a car but I don't.

I just have the overall feeling that life is meaningless/pointless and there is more to it/ I'm not looking at the big picture.


So thank you very much, any feedback is greatly appreciated.
 
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Happens to many of us. I think it helps to revisit an old goal. You are young, I am 30 years old, and can't believe where the last five years went. If you keep on this pace, wait until you feel what it is like for the world to quit on you. That is what happens when you are over 28. Few to nobody believes you can turn anything around, or make a final push, because they feel like anything great you should achieve should be done by 25. Even if you already are great. Yet, college is taking people 5 1/2 years, and job hunting is a pain. First year salaries suck, for the most part.

You need big balls to live up to your potential after college. Honestly, most people are quitters, they expect you to be as well. **** 'em. Find something worth fighting for.

As for scars, whats the problem? I have dog teeth marks, cat slashes, bike accidents, and all that cumulative stuff. With every scar comes a story.
 
The transitional change from highschool onward is a very difficult one for many reasons. Many go through this phase no problem. Many, however do face problems.

It appears to me you fall into the group that might struggle with this phase.

I stongly recommend talking to a counselor. A good place to start would be with the message you just posted.
 
Trust me, these people are pros and can give you a great deal of insight into yourself and to the why's of how you feel about your experience.

You see, it really all about how you reflect on your experiences. Its how you see yourself thats under examination, not so much your experiences. We all have ups and downs, we all make stupid mistakes etc. But to profit from lifes experience is all dependent upon how we reflect on it.

A professionial has the skills to help in this area.
 
Also, good luck to you.......If you feel you may have lost your way, that is great. The first thing you need to do to find your way is to look for a way in the first place. You are looking...........Good for you!
 
I'm somewhere around there with you, and it is very depressing.

Played great tennis growing up, switched to skateboarding, got into the counter culture of drinking/drugs etc. Graduated HS, got my undergraduate in Business Administration, and normal life happens. hooray.

Ended up with a marketing job that paid very well, but the work was mundane, i rarely had a clue on how to sell IT products to firms that didn't understand why they needed it. And looking within myself i wanted to be in music/the music industry. Leaving that job and now working to obtain my masters in music production in London, UK. now i'm where i think i want to be but the music industry is not the IT industry, there is no money, very few jobs, and half the job is finding work. ****...

Its depressing, and at many times Tennis has been the only thing that made me truly happy in these dark/confusing times, i have spoken with many people in our uni about the industry and they will not lie, it sucks, however the fact that i am worried means i should be fine...leaving me even more confused than before.

There always seems to be that trade off. work the mundane 9-5 w/ salary, vacation, and benefits. or go do what you want to do and live in near poverty conditions but love the work you do. These thoughts makes it hard to get out of bed for me too someday.

But talk to people, peers, counselors, professors, even random people on the street, many have been in our situations before, and many can offer inspiration and wisdom, its not always the thing you want to hear but what you need to hear in order to make the most of your life.

My conclusion is to find that which makes you happy within. If it is a few hours at the skatepark, in front of a piano/strumming a guitar, on the tennis court, go out on the town and flirt with every hot woman you see (you might get shot down but still feel good for being assertive) you'll have a better spirit and outlook on life. That's exactly what I do. Don't ever forget what makes you happy.

Best of luck, remember i'm still digging out of this situation myself.
 
As well as you express yourself, you have a good future in whatever you choose to do. Lots of people can't do it.

Music is great, don't hesitate to use on-line lessons, books, even a human instructor.

Don't lose perspective on what you have going for you. You could have grown up in Haiti, Iraq...

Some self-reflection and self-doubt is normal, happens to everyone. But if it's bad and getting in the way of enjoying your life take the advice of other posters and talk to a professional counselor, that's what they're for.
 
I'm not much older than you, if at all, so it's hard to give some wise advice.

In any case you should stop doing those hacks at school, that can get into even more serious problems.

The problem with doing nothing is that the way back gets harder with every passing day.
So you really should start to set yourself some goals, and in case you smoke w**d stop it, that stuff keeps you adrift.

I don't know your parents, but I suggest you talk to them. I don't know if they can and want to help you, but telling the truth shouldn't do any harm.
Tell them the whole story and that you want to change your situation, but that you need some support to get back on track.

Considering how well you phrased your situation I'd say you seem to be bright and far from a hopeless case.
You just need to find a worthy goal and a start, the rest will follow.

I don't know if you want to keep programming, but if you do, you can use free time for broadening your knowledge (whetever it's Java, PHP,..).

Maybe try to combine tennis and programming, offer a tennis club in the vicinity a free website and use it as a reference. It can't hurt your chances at a job-interview and it keeps you from doing nothing.
 
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Life can be pretty crappy if you allow it to be. Carpe diem junior. Take the girl you didn't ask out. The worst possible outcome is that she says no and hates you and never talks to you again. Inaction led to nearly the same results, but you might have actually had a chance.

Also don't judge yourself or other people by their look but by how they act and treat others. Models and actor/actresses are airbrushed and their only job is to look as good as possible. It is a fools pursuit holding yourself to their standards. You should probably seek counseling if you are worried about your scarring as it is a common red flag of body-dismorphic conditions that are easily treatable and a marker for depression.

Also, while fun skateboarding is bad for your body and not a good life long sport. I did it for years and have much permanent damage as a result. Get a board and do it for fun, but pursuing sponsorship, etc. at your age is about the same probability of success as tennis.
 
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Winter time is always shatty for me man. If you feel deeply depressed see your doc about some wellbutrin. I swear its like legal ecstacy. You couldn't stay depressed on the stuff if you tried.

You could always see a plastic surgeon about your scars.

Also try Match.com. I met my wife that way. Its too easy to pick up babes on there. Chicks long for romance and companionship.

Good luck my man.
 
I don't really have much advice to give but just chin up and try to do what you can to improve your life and keep doing the things you enjoy most like tennis and skateboarding its the little things that help keep us happy and sane.

I understand the feeling of life feeling empty, i'm sort of at a crossroads in life currently as well. Anyway i hope things get better for you because when you're down the only way left is to go up.

I too have scars on my skin and have learned to live with it not fully but i'm definitely more confident now than i was say 5-6 years ago.
"Scars are souvenirs you never lose the past is never far" Always felt that like from the song Name by the Goo Goo Dolls had a good meaning to it.
 
Tell your parents.

Part of life is living up to ones mistakes.

Accept reality, and find a way to flourish in its current state. Things can always be improved -- just need to find things you enjoy, do them and have fun in the process.

I too, lost a sport dear to me. I was in a ski accident when I was sixteen that resulted in 6 right knee surgeries. I went from 188 pounds to 320. I was a top contender, now I've skied twice since the accident. Last year, I decided enough was enough and I got on a workout program, learned how to eat healthy (no more pasta three times a day) and didn't let doctors (or in your case, parents) tell me what I can do and what I can't do. I decided it was time to live for *me*.

All that said, if your parents are supporting you financially, don't be an idiot. I think you can figure out what I mean.

"If a problem has a solution, there is no need to worry about it. If there is no answer for the problem, worry will do no good." Tibetan proverb.
 
Just Stick It Out Man. When I Went To College In Atlanta From Florida, I Had Mild Depression...and I Was In Atlanta. Awesome Place With Tons To Do And A Ton Of Hot Chicks. You May Be Too Young To Understand This But You'll Need To Decide If You're Going To Make Life Better For Yourself Or Not.

Scars Are Part Of Life. I Took A Wicked Tumble While Rollerblading And Now Sport A 3rd Nipple On My Left Knee. It's All Good.
 
Stop stealing from your school and go see a counselor. And call your parents and tell them the truth about your situation.
 
Sorry to hear you're depressed but you lost me at fire in your package. Hopefully it's not herpes.
 
Wow what a dramatic story, its time to give up skateboarding and seek a shrink because you have some mental and psychological problems. Skaters are the source of all our problems.
 
Your college years are hard. A lot of people will tell you that it's the best time in your life, but that's not true for a lot of people.

Own up to your mistakes. Tell your parents that you lost your job and that you're questioning where you are in life. See a counselor about your depression. Reevaluate what you want to do with your life. It's taken me years to figure out what I want to do, but I'm finally in a great position and working towards the rest of my career.

And stop hacking into your school's computers. I don't think a stint in jail is likely to improve your mood.
 
Life has it's ups and downs man. And the downs always seem to go on for much much longer than the ups. You could use a "change of perspective" man. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen for the homeless and see/hear the stories and situations that are worse than yours. Think your situation is still not "reversable" or "salvagable" ? In no way I'm demeaning poeple less fortunate than us. I'm just saying you're living the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, nth chance some would like to get but will never. There will always be folks greater and lesser than you.


and with respect to the ladies.....the biggest turn on for women is confidence. And guess what, you can fake that on the first "ice breaking" encounter. If you're a funny guy than can make people laugh- more than half the work is done there. After that your anxiety about interacting with a attractive female will just subside. And if she does not "bite", no biggie man. It's all about probability. The more you throw your "line" out there, the greater the chances of getting a bite.
 
Life's a b. and then you die<---you know someone didn't just pull that phrase out of thin air. Go get a 4 ft. fluorescent light and sit under it for thirty minutes a day while the sun isn't out.

And go find a real person to talk with...studies show too much time on a computer is due to depression.
 
You know I thought about this on my walk back to work and you need to buck up. There are about 3/4 of a million Haitians that would love to be in your position. Probably about 2/3 of the worlds population would trade places with you in an instant. Mope away or not but your **** is not that bad. It is probably because it is not that bad that you have time to sit around and **** with your face and wallow in self pity.
 
lol im literally n tears (oversensitive much?) agreed, there seems so little in life to live for but for the hope that you oneday find someone it's worth spending it with that you could really imagine a lifetime with. That's what keeps me from suicide (Along with a huge fear of death)
Don't kill yourself, I'm sure you're a good person and the world is better off for you
-DG
 
be happy with yourself. don't rely on someone else for your happiness.

BTW I tried killing myself and that s**t doesn't work!
 
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^^^ Eeeehhhhhh... sorry alten but I think that's exactly what a certain type of person, like myself has to do. Self-harm, while inherently bad, is not an evil, and self-hatred is something I am very familiar with
 
ALten1 said:
Life's a b. and then you die<---you know someone didn't just pull that phrase out of thin air. Go get a 4 ft. fluorescent light and sit under it for thirty minutes a day while the sun isn't out.

And go find a real person to talk with...studies show too much time on a computer is due to depression.
Click to expand...

i thought it was 'life's a b**ch then u marry one'....
 
Fee said:
Stop stealing from your school and go see a counselor. And call your parents and tell them the truth about your situation.
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I was thinking the same thing. Not to make you more worried, but if the school finds out, you are asking for a whole lot of trouble. Best of luck and take care :)
 
djokovicgonzalez2010 said:
^^^ Eeeehhhhhh... sorry alten but I think that's exactly what a certain type of person, like myself has to do. Self-harm, while inherently bad, is not an evil, and self-hatred is something I am very familiar with
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so what was missing in your life growing up? Got to find things in life to bring you up, and stay away from the things that bring you down...including people. What is your age range?
 
ALten1 said:
so what was missing in your life growing up? Got to find things in life to bring you up, and stay away from the things that bring you down...including people. What is your age range?
Click to expand...

Under college age (Sorry, that's as specific as I'll get) but it is rather hurtful that you judge my maturity and understanding of my own mind by this truly superficial standard:cry:
 
djokovicgonzalez2010 said:
Under college age (Sorry, that's as specific as I'll get) but it is rather hurtful that you judge my maturity and understanding of my own mind by this truly superficial standard:cry:
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sounds like you are judging yourself, I was just asking a couple of questions. Hope you get to feeling better dude.
 
thanks guys, I'm trying to look up more often than I look down. So I've been thinking about what I've wanted to do for the past week, and reading these comments have helped, especially Kobble, Puma,Tyrus, jswinf, dropshot winner,albino smurf, bezs, Eph,angharad, and TnTBigman.

Although, I still haven't found the answer of "is there anything more than this to life?" just the curiosity has kept me going. The thought of there being something out there has been enough to live for. But when I ask this question to myself, all there is is a deafening silence, and if this silence is perpetual then so be it. I think it will important not to let that thought drive me crazy.

And I guess having something on your plate constantly then you won't have these thoughts. You have thoughts about how awesome it would be not to be studying for the upcoming test, or fun it would be to have a break from class/work etc.

So I guess filling my mind with things should help.

Things should be a lot easier with a car, which I intend to get with a bank loan. Also, I will start to work-out to get my mind off things as well as get fit.


Also, I'm just fighting to find something deeper that what already exists; maybe a guide.

Also, I realize that there are people who fight for survival everyday and my heart truly goes out to them. I am thankful to be fortunate enough to have a bed and not be terrorized a daily basis.

so thank you all very much.
 
ALten1 said:
I don't understand the self-hatred. A young guy with the rest of his life in front of him. There is a Brad Paisley song called 'Letter to me'. Listen to it, says a lot.
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eh, just dislike my cynical, hopeless, self-pitying (how's that for irony) way of thinking and inability to create a decent life for myself
 
Crack open some vitamin e tablets, rub 'em on, and enjoy your life because being unhappy doesn't get you anywhere.

P.S. I actually laughed out loud at the part about you hacking into the school's system to order food. Create your own destiny. Someday you'll look back and laugh too.
 
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Btw listening to music will rarely make you happier. When I'm depressed I listen to Slipknot's Snuff the GGD's Iris, Tokio zhotel's On the Edge, Bright Eyes' Poison Oak, Billy Joel's Piano Man, Bruce Spreengstein's The River the Killers' Mr. Brightside and Stone Sour's through glass. None too cheery but that's how I work maybe others are different.
 
djokovicgonzalez2010 said:
Btw listening to music will rarely make you happier. When I'm depressed I listen to Slipknot's Snuff the GGD's Iris, Tokio zhotel's On the Edge, Bright Eyes' Poison Oak, Billy Joel's Piano Man, Bruce Spreengstein's The River the Killers' Mr. Brightside and Stone Sour's through glass. None too cheery but that's how I work maybe others are different.
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I know Billy Joel and the Boss but I haven't heard of the others on your list. I am not saying to listen to the song to cheer you up, just listen to the message it gives about better days ahead.
 
Fandango said:
thanks guys, I'm trying to look up more often than I look down. So I've been thinking about what I've wanted to do for the past week, and reading these comments have helped, especially Kobble, Puma,Tyrus, jswinf, dropshot winner,albino smurf, bezs, Eph,angharad, and TnTBigman.

Although, I still haven't found the answer of "is there anything more than this to life?" just the curiosity has kept me going. The thought of there being something out there has been enough to live for. But when I ask this question to myself, all there is is a deafening silence, and if this silence is perpetual then so be it. I think it will important not to let that thought drive me crazy.

And I guess having something on your plate constantly then you won't have these thoughts. You have thoughts about how awesome it would be not to be studying for the upcoming test, or fun it would be to have a break from class/work etc.

So I guess filling my mind with things should help.

Things should be a lot easier with a car, which I intend to get with a bank loan. Also, I will start to work-out to get my mind off things as well as get fit.


Also, I'm just fighting to find something deeper that what already exists; maybe a guide.

Also, I realize that there are people who fight for survival everyday and my heart truly goes out to them. I am thankful to be fortunate enough to have a bed and not be terrorized a daily basis.

so thank you all very much.
Click to expand...


Its not being busy all the time that gets your mind off these thoughts. Its striving for something . . . having a goal.

Seems to me like you need to find motivation. If your just along for the ride than life can seem like its passing you by. Feeling overwhelming and depressing.

I would stop thinking and start doing. If you have trouble getting involved with friends than get involved with school. There are always opportunities.

Just get out there and grab life by the balls. Things don't just happen. You make them happen.

My first year of college I felt I the same way as you fandango. I lost my D1 soccer scholarship because I broke my leg. I worked out a lot, partied, etc. but I felt empty. I felt like I was a spectator of life. Like I didn't belong. I wasn't happy. I didn't know what I wanted. I wasted so much time and had bad grades.

Then I decided to go to medical school and everything changed. I improved my grades, got involved in school, and overall just got so much happier. Everything in my life improved because I had something to live for. I was no longer watching things pass me by. I was living them.

Im starting med school soon so all my time is devoted to studying. It sucks and its draining but knowing im going to medical school makes me so happy.

Anyway I don't know if your experience is the same as mine but I hope this helped and all the best.
 
at a time when i was all bummed out and in the dumps, was talked into joining the Marines by a well intentioned in-law. WHOA!!! :shock: what a shocker. i had no idea what i was getting into. gotta love those DIs for replacing whatever misery one has for something else. ;)

long story short, survived it and found that i had lots of company...many young men in similar or worse situations. looking back i had a helluva time and appreciate that a "higher" being was watching over me. i could have been toast so many times. and did i mention that the partying was insane...
 
djokovicgonzalez2010 said:
Btw listening to music will rarely make you happier. When I'm depressed I listen to Slipknot's Snuff the GGD's Iris, Tokio zhotel's On the Edge, Bright Eyes' Poison Oak, Billy Joel's Piano Man, Bruce Spreengstein's The River the Killers' Mr. Brightside and Stone Sour's through glass. None too cheery but that's how I work maybe others are different.
Click to expand...

i use to listen to slipknot years ago, billy joel is awesome, the killers are good, i also like evanessance, just started listening to florence and the machine
 
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