Engaged at 20 or younger ...?

And the sharks just can’t help themselves when they smell blood in the water…:neutral:
Lol not saying I am going to do it, you have to take into account having a stable income as well as your partner having a stable income as well. Then you gotta take into account housing, food, her dad wanting to murder you...the list goes on
 

SoBad

G.O.A.T.
Lol not saying I am going to do it, you have to take into account having a stable income as well as your partner having a stable income as well. Then you gotta take into account housing, food, her dad wanting to murder you...the list goes on
I was actually referring to your cozy little consortium with T1000 and that whole funky Melzer sect – you know more about it than I do though. But yeah, I’m with you – partner’s income/assets better be stable and rather substantial if the partner’s father plans to murder you. It’s all about finding the balance, isn’t it…
 
D

Deleted member 25923

Guest
I study was shown that people that live together prior to marriage have a greater success than those that marry without liiving together, whether this has to do with acknowledging and accepting each others idiosyncrasies, i am not sure....
And another study shows that couples living together are more likely to divorce when they do get married, possibly from the pressures of family to get married since they are already living together.
 

Elina

Rookie
Well, I was 29 when we got engaged (after 1.5 years of dating of which 5 months living together). And I was 32 when we got married (last August). So we had absolutely no rush and we do not want any children, ever. :)
 
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LameTennisPlayer

Professional
And another study shows that couples living together are more likely to divorce when they do get married, possibly from the pressures of family to get married since they are already living together.
If you are already living together prior to getting married, I dont see how this will co-erce/force couples to hasten a marriage in order to satisfy pressures from parents in the majority of cases.
 

*breaksracquet

Semi-Pro
My story in a nutshell:

Wife and I started dating when she was 16 and I was 18. We went through the normal ups and downs, trials and tribulations, and a near death experience which also led to my wife having to go through menopause at age 18-19 (that's a longer story). Five years later, were engaged, 2 years later we were married. Tack on 2 more years to now, were still together. I work and she is still attending school (hygiene student at Wake Tech and will be attending UNC-CH on and off in the spring :)).

Happiness can't describe what I go through everyday when I see her. It's something bigger and better.

I can see where most people are coming from though. I have seen my share of nasty breakups amongst friends, shotgun weddings, and marriages where the dating didn't even last a year. Some of these stories have happier endings than others. But most of these people went through what the OP had described and it did make them better people. I might just fall into that < 1% exception, knock on wood :wink:.
 

Larrysümmers

Hall of Fame
but still that's being together for 5 years, and 2 years later married. so together for 7 years. so i mean that's not like this: i get on facebook on Christmas, a girl who is 19 posted pics of an engagement ring, her status said nothing is better than getting engaged on Christmas...her and her boyfriend have been dating for about 2 months....WTF
 

r2473

Talk Tennis Guru
but still that's being together for 5 years, and 2 years later married. so together for 7 years. so i mean that's not like this: i get on facebook on Christmas, a girl who is 19 posted pics of an engagement ring, her status said nothing is better than getting engaged on Christmas...her and her boyfriend have been dating for about 2 months....WTF
If I got a diamond ring everytime I got engaged / married, I'd do it once a week........sort of a cool weekend gig.
 

ProgressoR

Hall of Fame
nothing wrong with getting married at an age where you are mature enough to deal with what it brings, or flexible enough to allow yourself to grow into the marriage. The problem is nowadays our emotional ages are much lower than equivalent people from the olden days, we mature much later and most 18-20 year olds are nowhere near ready to make a good go of marriage, whereas back in the day it was a different matter a 20 year old probably had already supported his family for a while and was working and earning and used to life in general.
Today they are still playing games on xbox, watching mtv and getting drunk, and that probably continues all through the 20's at least.


So nothing wrong with early marriage, but we just aint mature enough as a whole to deal with it anymore, we suck
 

albino smurf

Professional
The sad thing to me about this is that people generally do what they think other people think they should do rather than deciding for themselves what is actually right.
 

max

Legend
nothing wrong with getting married at an age where you are mature enough to deal with what it brings, or flexible enough to allow yourself to grow into the marriage. The problem is nowadays our emotional ages are much lower than equivalent people from the olden days, we mature much later and most 18-20 year olds are nowhere near ready to make a good go of marriage, whereas back in the day it was a different matter a 20 year old probably had already supported his family for a while and was working and earning and used to life in general.
Today they are still playing games on xbox, watching mtv and getting drunk, and that probably continues all through the 20's at least.


So nothing wrong with early marriage, but we just aint mature enough as a whole to deal with it anymore, we suck
Interesting comments here. I think there are some, perhaps 20-30% of the age group able to do it. But the consumer culture keeps young adults as juvenile as possible. . .
 

max

Legend
. . . and I wonder, too, if there's a "moral culture" which encourages people to be as young and footloose and free as possible, which clashes with the obligatory ties of marriage.
 

r2473

Talk Tennis Guru
. . . and I wonder, too, if there's a "moral culture" which encourages people to be as young and footloose and free as possible, which clashes with the obligatory ties of marriage.
I think you are on the right track.

But, there is a danger with looking back too fondly on the "good old days (that never were)".

As soon as you start to generalize, you get into trouble.

What you are alluding to becomes somewhat clear when you encounter a different culture that breeds a bit more responsibility than our own (US culture). Or even when you interact with with certain groups within our own culture (be they religious, social, economic, etc). However, sometimes these groups are more form than substance..............mmmmmm what was I saying about generalizing above????

I still really like that Carly Simon song I linked previously. And Carly really "nails it".
 
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dak95_00

Hall of Fame
Picking a spouse is a lot like picking a racquet. If you believe you made a good choice, you did! Age doesn't matter. If you think the grass will be greener elsewhere, you'll be looking for that perfect set-up for ever! You'll continue to look and look and look...........and look and look.......

Statistically, the numbers look bad for marriage in our country/culture. However, look at countries where marriages are arranged. They do much better. Having met people and talked to them about it, they just look at me and say, "That's the way it is. I love my spouse."

The point is if you are BOTH content and mature, it'll work. It's just like picking a racquet!

Forgot to add:
I am married and have been for nearly 12 years. My wife and I share many important values. We don't share a religion but we do share common financial goals, parental goals for our kids, and support for each other. We have our problems and we look and work through them. We don't agree all of the time. Life is not a Disney movie and the next marketing ploy really won't make your life better either.

Pick a racquet and make your game fit its properties.
 
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LameTennisPlayer

Professional
Picking a spouse is a lot like picking a racquet. If you believe you made a good choice, you did! Age doesn't matter. If you think the grass will be greener elsewhere, you'll be looking for that perfect set-up for ever! You'll continue to look and look and look...........and look and look.......

Statistically, the numbers look bad for marriage in our country/culture. However, look at countries where marriages are arranged. They do much better. Having met people and talked to them about it, they just look at me and say, "That's the way it is. I love my spouse."

The point is if you are BOTH content and mature, it'll work. It's just like picking a racquet!
Forgot to add:
I am married and have been for nearly 12 years. My wife and I share many important values. We don't share a religion but we do share common financial goals, parental goals for our kids, and support for each other. We have our problems and we look and work through them. We don't agree all of the time. Life is not a Disney movie and the next marketing ploy really won't make your life better either.

Pick a racquet and make your game fit its properties.
I have yet to find a racquet that is both content and mature. It always complains and is never happy- stoopid racquet.
 

spaceman_spiff

Hall of Fame
. . . and I wonder, too, if there's a "moral culture" which encourages people to be as young and footloose and free as possible, which clashes with the obligatory ties of marriage.
Perhaps it's not societal pressure. Perhaps it's more personal.

For example, when I was growing up, I was surrounded by people constantly complaining about their kids or how they have to slave away at work to make ends meet (because they had to get a bigger house for the family, they had to pay for college, etc.). They started families at a young age, and life was going to be one long slog all the way until they retired (if they lived that long). I know my parents sacrificed a lot for my brothers and me, and my dad didn't live long enough to enjoy much after we were out of the house. They were pretty happy, but they still endured a lot.

Even those who were happy obviously had to battle a huge amount of stress. I didn't know anyone who wasn't under a load of stress or weren't completely unhappy altogether.

I just couldn't see the point of following that same path, starting a family when I was too young to afford one and then struggling through for most of the rest of my life. I got a college degree to ensure my job prospects. But after that, I decided I'd prefer to enjoy life rather than sacrifice my youth; hence, my travelling and laid back lifestyle.
 
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max

Legend
Yes, but there are things that you really ARE missing. Having children is a great boon, really widens and broadens your heart. It's hard to believe this until you become a parent, however; but they are among life's great and profound joys. Perhaps when you were a child you didn't see or were unable to appreciate that your parents had some very substantial joys in doing as they were doing.

There's grumbling any way you go. I did as you did, and wish I hadn't taken that path now. Just be attentive to consumerist efforts to keep people infantilized.
 

ProgressoR

Hall of Fame
of course biologically all we are meant to do is reproduce, so opting out of that is kind of, denying the reason we evolved in the first place, not sure what I am trying to say, but its intuitive to say the least. Emotionally as the above poster said, I dont think you can truly mature and develop as a person without bringing up children and the joy and challenges that brings.
 

spaceman_spiff

Hall of Fame
Yes, but there are things that you really ARE missing. Having children is a great boon, really widens and broadens your heart. It's hard to believe this until you become a parent, however; but they are among life's great and profound joys. Perhaps when you were a child you didn't see or were unable to appreciate that your parents had some very substantial joys in doing as they were doing.
I've got 5 nieces and nephews. I get enough joy from them to satisfy me.


There's grumbling any way you go. I did as you did, and wish I hadn't taken that path now. Just be attentive to consumerist efforts to keep people infantilized.
Some of that might be from the parents themselves rather than outside pressure. In college, I met loads of people whose parents hadn't taught them anything. They had no clue how to take care of themselves, no self discipline, nothing. They were practically helpless. They had never cooked a meal, cleaned their own room, washed their own clothes. (I remember teaching one guy how to use a cash machine.) I was surprized they even learned to drive, given how little else they knew how to do.

I'm sure their parents loved them, but they treated them more like pets or some other possession meant for the parents' entertainment. For whatever reason, they made no effort to teach the skills they needed to take care of themselves and live in the real world, as if it never occurred to them that the kids would ever leave. Thus, they were still very immature despite their age. They acted like kids because no one ever taught them how to act like adults.

So, when people talk about 18-20 yo college students getting engaged, I remember all those kids I went to school with and how unprepared they were to deal with life. Even the people I knew who were raised to be self suficient didn't seem to me to be ready for marriage and a family. Even the best of them seemed like they needed a few more years.
 
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spaceman_spiff

Hall of Fame
of course biologically all we are meant to do is reproduce, so opting out of that is kind of, denying the reason we evolved in the first place, not sure what I am trying to say, but its intuitive to say the least. Emotionally as the above poster said, I dont think you can truly mature and develop as a person without bringing up children and the joy and challenges that brings.
Biologically speaking, the top priority is survival. The second priority is reproduction, which is meant to ensure the survival of the species as a whole.

Now, we as a species have developed a greater awareness of our surroundings than any other species. Using that awareness, I've realized that the Earth has nearly 7 billion people (which is far too many in my opinion), of which 5 are my nieces and nephews. So, our species is in no danger of extinction and my family's bloodline is in no danger of going away, which means that there is no real need for me to have children other than for my own selfish reasons.

Moreover, in my opinion, increasing the world's population actually threatens the quality of life for future generations given the strain we already put on our environment and resources. Thus, it would be rather irresponsible of me to throw a few more in the pot just because I felt like it. But that's just my opinion.
 
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max

Legend
I've got 5 nieces and nephews. I get enough joy from them to satisfy me



SS: I was in the same situation as you, but it's not equivalent.

Maybe you should talk to more people?
 

spaceman_spiff

Hall of Fame
Ok, I finally thought of an appropriate metaphor for this.

Learning to survive in the real world at 18-20 is like being thrown into the deep end and learning to swim.

Getting married at 18-20 is like handcuffing yourself to another person before getting thrown into the deep end: you both have to learn to swim and learn to work in unison with another person at the same time, making it much harder.

Getting married and having kids at 18-20 is like handcuffing yourself to another person and both of you strapping weights around your ankles before jumping in the deep end.

That's why I think it's better for people to take these things in turn. Wait until you know how to do one before moving onto the next, and your chances of success will improve.
 
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