Getting your partner onboard

[Janne]

I’m in the market for a couple new suits and a pair of shoes, but my lady friend isn’t quite keen on the idea of me spending as much money as I would ideally want on the items. As it is, I’m afraid there are quite a lot of cohabitees out there who won’t hesitate to use your soft spot for quality shoes against you as soon as you protest against the need to replace that perfectly functional sofa group or spending money on something that both partners can enjoy. Lines such as “you sure don’t seem to hesitate spending money on ridiculously expensive shoes” often require more convincing arguments than weakly mumbling something about hidden, earmarked money that you’ve been saving up. And however you twist and turn it you can always, when you least expect it, get slapped with a “… that you caress like a true perv on weekends instead of spending time doing something productive” as a finale that puts an end to your shopping dreams.

I’ve tried using the argument that with proper care, they can last me a good 20 years but that doesn’t seem to bite well, and I’m usually hit with the question of WHY you would even want to wear the SAME shoes for 20 years. It seems that women usually follow the device “the more clothes in as short a period, the better”. As a rule of thumb, of course.

I’m at a loss for how to defend myself. I still have one ace up my sleeve, though: the environmental aspect. I’ve learned that women are suckers for the environment, so motivating my purchases with the fact that high quality items are usually less damaging to the environment than cheap, mass-produced items might yield positive results. However, as an economist, I’ve been taught that we humans often operate by going through a process of cost-benefit-analysis when faced with a decision, and I’m not entirely sure she will give a rats *** about the environment this time. Maybe if the items cost a tenner, but alas...

For the people of this forum who live with a thrifty partner, how do you get them to agree on your little splashes of selfish spending?

 

[ollinger]

You haven't said much about the financial arrangement between the two of you; what is the agreement, how much of your finances are comingled, etc.? This is important to resolve in a relationship if your spending tendencies differ. What DOES come across in your post is very little regard for what SHE cares about. You don't seem to get why she would want to replace a sofa (women have nesting instincts that are very important to them; revising the nest is a real need for most of them), don't seem sure what she actually cares about (e.g. environment), and the business of caressing like a perv on weekends sounds a bit like you two don't have real emotional closeness and she feels used by you, which of course would add to resentment about your clothing purchases. Time for some couple therapy.

 

[ollinger]

(addendum: even the title of your thread, "Getting your partner onboard," betrays a feeling that she should come to your way of thinking rather than each of you trying to meet the other half-way)

 

[struggle]

Just buy the stuff and tell her you got it at the thrift store.

 

[OTMPut]

^^^^ this.

P.S.
Humans don't do cost benefit analysis. They are dictated by gut feelings, a host of biases and heuristics.
Except perhaps in a microeconomics test paper.

There are a lot of papers written on this recently.

 

[Janne]

Time for some couple therapy.

I'm not much fond of this phrase, but I think this one deserves it: burned.

We share the rent, food and other living expenses equally. She is very good at saving money and only really spends a lot on travelling, which we do together. I'm quite fond of saving too, but I'm also interested in clothes, which I spend a fair share on. We never argue about money, only the occasional sarcastic comment like the ones mentioned in the first post (all in good fun, mind you). She's just a bit worried that I'm not being financially responsible and would rather see me spend a bit less on clothes, which is understandable. But at the same time, I recently got an idea for two suits that I just have to have. It's a bit hard to convince someone who doesn't do a lot of heavy shopping themselves, though.

Just buy the stuff and tell her you got it at the thrift store.

The problem is, she would never believe me as you don't normally find such items at the thrift store. And I'm not comfortable with lying.

Humans don't do cost benefit analysis. They are dictated by gut feelings, a host of biases and heuristics.

Yeah, the rational man isn't exactly the most up-to-date of theories, I'll give you that.

 

[Overdrive]

Shoes are an investment. If polished, re-soled, and stored correctly, they can last for decades. Do not skimp on the shoes! I would start with Allen Edmonds, then move up on the ladder when you feel confident. Avoid all mall brand shoes like Kenneth Cole, Alfani, Cole Haan, Dockers, Aldo, Banana Republic, Express, et al. They are made cheaply (usually made in third world countries). Avoid square toed shoes. Companies make these types of shoes to cut costs and increase profitability. They don't care about quality. You'll spend more buying these pieces of junk than you would on the good ones!

For more information, go to styleforum.com or askandyaboutclothes.com and search there.

 

[Chico]

I'm not much fond of this phrase, but I think this one deserves it: burned.

We share the rent, food and other living expenses equally. She is very good at saving money and only really spends a lot on travelling, which we do together. I'm quite fond of saving too, but I'm also interested in clothes, which I spend a fair share on. We never argue about money, only the occasional sarcastic comment like the ones mentioned in the first post (all in good fun, mind you). She's just a bit worried that I'm not being financially responsible and would rather see me spend a bit less on clothes, which is understandable. But at the same time, I recently got an idea for two suits that I just have to have. It's a bit hard to convince someone who doesn't do a lot of heavy shopping themselves, though.



The problem is, she would never believe me as you don't normally find such items at the thrift store. And I'm not comfortable with lying.


Yeah, the rational man isn't exactly the most up-to-date of theories, I'll give you that.

Why do you "have to have" two new suits? Do you really need them and do you really need to spend ridiculous amount on them.
Maybe the problem is really with you, and that you don't want to compromise at all and want to continue to spend money irresponsibly thinking only about you.
How about you consider getting onboard with your partner, rather than other way around? That seems like much more reasonable to me.

 

[heninfan99]

You clearly lost ownership of your testicles many years ago. Just continue to obey her.

 

[Seth]

You clearly lost ownership of your testicles many years ago. Just continue to obey her.

Lulz. It is the path of least resistance.

 

[Janne]

You'll spend more buying these pieces of junk than you would on the good ones!

Exactly! In the long run, investing in something a bit more high quality is the more economical choice. The same goes for half-canvassed/full-canvassed suits versus glued ones.

Why do you "have to have" two new suits? Do you really need them and do you really need to spend ridiculous amount on them.
Maybe the problem is really with you, and that you don't want to compromise at all and want to continue to spend money irresponsibly thinking only about you.
How about you consider getting onboard with your partner, rather than other way around? That seems like much more reasonable to me.

I only have one suit as is, and I'm starting a job where a suit is a must. I need some variation, and I'm not talking about suits from Attolini or the sort - I'm talking about entry level suits from Caruso. I don't agree that I'm being irresponsible either, since I'll still have money left for living expenses, our next trip overseas and then some, so these purchases won't really affect our day-to-day living at all.

You clearly lost ownership of your testicles many years ago. Just continue to obey her.

Tru' dat! :shock:

 

[Fifth Set]

...She's just a bit worried that I'm not being financially responsible and would rather see me spend a bit less on clothes, which is understandable...

This is the part I recommend trying to solve for. Everything else then becomes easy. Do this by coming up with a long term financial plan. Look for a local CFP (Certified Financial Planner) or similar professional to help you.

More specifically, if you two figure out what you need for retirement and determine what you need to save every month to achieve that, the rest is basically a budgeting exercise. You will fund each month's necessities, e.g., mortgage, food, and what remains is a pool of discretionary spending. There are many ways to handle that discretionary pool, but what might work here is just splitting the pool in two, with each of you doing what you want with it. Perhaps the exception is that you each contribute equally to a discretionary vacation/travel fund, since that is something you both like to do and do together.

With this, you are suddenly (1) being financially responsible; and (2) spending your discretionary piece however the hell you want!

(Yes, my wife is a CFP and this approach works very well for us and for her clients.)

 

[Overdrive]

Tru' dat! :shock:

So, you're an emotional masochist?

This is the part I recommend trying to solve for. Everything else then becomes easy. Do this by coming up with a long term financial plan. Look for a local CFP (Certified Financial Planner) or similar professional to help you.

More specifically, if you two figure out what you need for retirement and determine what you need to save every month to achieve that, the rest is basically a budgeting exercise. You will fund each month's necessities, e.g., mortgage, food, and what remains is a pool of discretionary spending. There are many ways to handle that discretionary pool, but what might work here is just splitting the pool in two, with each of you doing what you want with it. Perhaps the exception is that you each contribute equally to a discretionary vacation/travel fund, since that is something you both like to do and do together.

With this, you are suddenly (1) being financially responsible; and (2) spending your discretionary piece however the hell you want!

(Yes, my wife is a CFP and this approach works very well for us and for her clients.)

Good for you! A lot of couples argue ad nauseam about what or what not to spend... Before you marry someone, check their credit rating!

 

[Janne]

This is the part I recommend trying to solve for. Everything else then becomes easy. Do this by coming up with a long term financial plan. Look for a local CFP (Certified Financial Planner) or similar professional to help you.

More specifically, if you two figure out what you need for retirement and determine what you need to save every month to achieve that, the rest is basically a budgeting exercise. You will fund each month's necessities, e.g., mortgage, food, and what remains is a pool of discretionary spending. There are many ways to handle that discretionary pool, but what might work here is just splitting the pool in two, with each of you doing what you want with it. Perhaps the exception is that you each contribute equally to a discretionary vacation/travel fund, since that is something you both like to do and do together.

With this, you are suddenly (1) being financially responsible; and (2) spending your discretionary piece however the hell you want!

(Yes, my wife is a CFP and this approach works very well for us and for her clients.)

Great advice! I'll definitely suggest setting up a mutual goal for how much money to save away each month. We already save quite a lot, just not into a mutual savings account. What we do have though is a mutual fund for travel money, so that's already been taken care of.

So, you're an emotional masochist?

Well, I'm only 24 while she's 28 and a lot smarter than I'll ever be, so I trust her on most accounts. She's been living on a very, very tight budget for a long time though before we met, so she's still a bit vary of any excessive spending even though she now makes good money.

Again, we don't argue about money. This thread was made mostly with humour in mind, hoping to get some fun arguments for some good ol' selfish spending.

 

[r2473]

Time for some couple therapy.

Don't listen to this touch-feely crap.

The way to solve this and all your problems is, when you speak to your wife, get in the habit of starting out each sentence with "Listen here b!tch......" and end each sentence with "...and I don't want to hear any **** from you".

So in this case you will say "Listen here b!tch, I'm buying 2 new expensive suits and some expensive shoes, and I don't want to hear any **** from you".

Give it a try. It will change your life. You'll wonder why you didn't start doing this sooner.

 

[Janne]

Don't listen to this touch-feely crap.

The way to solve this and all your problems is, when you speak to your wife, get in the habit of starting out each sentence with "Listen here b!tch......" and end each sentence with "...and I don't want to hear any **** from you".

So in this case you will say "Listen here b!tch, I'm buying 2 new expensive suits and some expensive shoes, and I don't want to hear any **** from you".

Give it a try. It will change your life. You'll wonder why you didn't start doing this sooner.

Now this is getting into the spirit of things! :twisted:

I'm aiming to keep both the girl and the shoes for at least 20 years, but hey, at the very least this approach might spice things up a bit, keep us both on our toes.

 

[movdqa]

I had three suits made in Singapore 20 years ago with extra pants and these are mainly what I wear today when I need to wear a suit. They fit well and are very comfortable (they are summer-weight). I have two other suits that fit okay but they are made for the version of me that weighs 15 pounds more than what I weigh right now. I would have them adjusted if I needed to wear them today. So quality and fit can be a good investment. These suits cost about a third of what an off-the-rack decent suit cost back then. My wife dragged me into the place to buy them. They also threw in several custom-made dress shirts and a few ties. Unfortunately the prices have gone way up today as their standard of living has skyrocketed.

My dress shoes are about 15 years old. I need to get new laces for them. I've been wearing my son's dress shoes the last few times I needed to wear a suit.

I normally wear jeans and a Nike T-Shirt with old tennis sneakers to the office.

The stuff that you're talking about is an investment and it takes long-term thinking to go that route. It is very difficult to change a way of thinking to look at the long haul when they are young. It's something that parents should instill in their kids when they are young.

 

[Sumo]

I only have one suit as is, and I'm starting a job where a suit is a must. I need some variation, and I'm not talking about suits from Attolini or the sort - I'm talking about entry level suits from Caruso. I don't agree that I'm being irresponsible either, since I'll still have money left for living expenses, our next trip overseas and then some, so these purchases won't really affect our day-to-day living at all.

This is where you tell her you need to dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

 

[El Diablo]

^^ I thought it was "dress British, think Yiddish."

 

[Bdarb]

Clothes are something I believe in spending on. I would prefer to have something well constructed that is pricey and will last then a bunch of crappy clothes. Of course I believe there is a line. Not sure if it's being crossed here but dressing well at a new professional job is not a guilty pleasure. It can directly relate to how you are seen by your co workers and especially superiors.


Again, this can be achieved at relatively reasonable rates, I guess it depends on what you find 'reasonable'

 

[dParis]

Now this is getting into the spirit of things! :twisted:

I'm aiming to keep both the girl and the shoes for at least 20 years, but hey, at the very least this approach might spice things up a bit, keep us both on our toes.

With proper care, in 20 years a great pair of shoes will look better than the partner and you'll still enjoy slipping into them.

 

[esgee48]

I grew up at a time when wearing suits or coat/slack combos was the usual dress for the office. I bought/had more than 7 suits plus combos. This was in the 70-80's. As styles changed, you can re-tailor good clothes, but not bad clothes easily. Fortunately, in the 90's casual became more normal (job also changed.) And in the century turn, jeans and shirts ala Silicon Valley became normal. I would think about whether you need 2 suits. One might do, or wait for a sale on Mens clothing.

 

[movdqa]

Longevity of suits is dependent on your body shape and weight staying in a 15-20 pound range so make sure you stay in shape or else your clothing expenses can really go through the roof.

 

[Bdarb]

Longevity of suits is dependent on your body shape and weight staying in a 15-20 pound range so make sure you stay in shape or else your clothing expenses can really go through the roof.

We found your selling point!!

Baby, you want this 24 year old sack of love to stay fit? Now I'll have to.

 

[Janne]

With proper care, in 20 years a great pair of shoes will look better than the partner and you'll still enjoy slipping into them.

I'm sayin'.

I would think about whether you need 2 suits

I got a job at a pretty conservative bransch (finance) where a suit is basically a must. I can't use the same suit 5 times a week either, that'd just wear it out really fast. 3-4 suits and a few jackets would be ideal, at least for now, but I'm going to have to settle for less.

Longevity of suits is dependent on your body shape and weight staying in a 15-20 pound range so make sure you stay in shape or else your clothing expenses can really go through the roof.

We found your selling point!!

Baby, you want this 24 year old sack of love to stay fit? Now I'll have to.

Genius! Brilliant stuff, guys. This should definitely do the trick.