http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsArticle.jhtml?type=tennisNews&storyID=7334817
Hewitt doesn't really provide a solution but rather diagnoses the problem.
Does he mean he consciously lets Federer get away early in matches??? That sounds like baloney.
If I were Hewitt, I would have told the press that the solution to beating Roger Federer is by sneaking up on him in the locker room before a match and flicking his power switch.
Of course, he may need to spend some time with Mirka to find out where the switch is located.
And on a related note, we all know Mirka left pro tennis to pursue her career in cybernetics.
Hopefully, you've picked up what I'm implying by now. If not...
ROGER IS A ROBOT.
Don't be fooled, there is a new and improved model each and every year.
The inaugural model was the T-2001.
This prototypical cybernetic organism is loosely based on the human being Kevin Federline, current Britney Spears boytoy. This sexually appealing husk was needed in order to provide public attraction.
In order to provide the T-2001 with suffient processing power to compute
unbelievable, jump out of your seat, lose control of your bladder type angles. He was engineered with an irregularly large cranial unit.
In particular, the peripheral perception unit or PPU was required to protrude out of the T-2001's forehead in order to receive spatial data of current court position and location of ball and opponent.
To portray Kevin Federline's attractive image, a protrustion in the forehead would not be acceptable. Thus Dr. Mirka implemented a primative solution. Roger must at all times wear a thick bandana on court to mask the distasteful appearance of the PPU unit.
Unfortunately, in the year 2001, the T-2001 unit had to wear the bandana at all times to mask the protrustion of the PPU unit. Luckily during this year, Roger received minimal attention from the media.
However in the following years, particular 2004, Roger was pronostigated to be in the "lime-light" of the tennis world and thus speculation would soon rise if he were to wear the bandana in all environments.
Thus, improvements and adjustments were made to the T-2001 design and programming.
Enter the T-2002 unit. This unit was introduced in the 2002 season, designed specifically to deal with the PPU ergonomical problem. Dr. Mirka was inspired by such "convertable" systems as the Enterprise-D's ability to separate into two entities: a saucer and drive section as well as the popular Knight Rider 2000, which could convert seamlessly between "Cruise Mode" and "Super Pursuit Mode." Michael Knight was her hero.
Dr. Mirka modified Roger's cranial design by implementing a similar "conversion" function. At will, Roger could now enable the Peripheral Perception Unit to protrude when needed (e.g. Game play situations) and then retract when superhuman tennis performance was not needed. Thus, his Nike Bandana concealing device could be withdrawn to avoid possible suspicion and stigmatization from the public and the press.
Aside: Through some experimentation, Roger turned off his PPU to conserve energy during the early rounds of some tournaments. As you can see from the unusual "hick-ups" in his win/loss records, he lost some matches to some pathetic no name journeymen. However, this proved to yield positively satisfying because if Roger were to execute a perfect season - his cybernetic identity would surely be investigated. This method was adapted from Roger's predecessor: "The T-500," Codename: "Bjorn Borg."
The year 2002 went by satisfactorily. During this time, the T-2002 received practical tennis guidance from respected coach, Peter Lundgren. He was selected for his lackadaisical and unsuspecting demeanor, which would serve to prevent his knowledge of Roger's true cybernetic nature.
Unfortunately, in the year 2003 BC, Lundgren began to become suspicious of Roger's unbelievable ability and started asking questions. Dr. Mirka was not impressed by Lundgren's new-found curiousity and many arguments ensued between the two.
This ultimately led to the demise of Coach Lundgren. He began to know too much and had to be terminated. This resulted in the development of the T-2004 - this unit was near perfection.
Now with prototypical self-coaching software installed in the CPU, Roger could now improve on his own without any external assistance. Dr. Mirka's fruits of her labour were finally enjoyed because of her patented self-adapting software she created with the assistance of Professior Victor Xavier Braden's marvelous book,
Quick Fix Tennis, Stop Learning the Stupid and Slow Way!
The T-2004 unit could not be stopped in 2004 BC on all surfaces *except* clay.
Because Dr. Mirka insisted on Roger's knowledge of an infinite number of languages, his hard disk space was completely saturated which left no space for installing Microsoft's "Roland Garros XP" software.
ERGO, in her latest version of the Roger Federer; she has implemented a number of improvements over the previous version, including an improved,
Clay Court Playing Module (CCPM). This module was ready to seize victory at the 2004 French Open, however due to severe security issues with the CCPM - use of the program was relegated to Roland Garros 2005 until numerous updates were downloaded on the RF operating system and RF service pack 2 was installed in his system.
Year-end diagnostics of 2004 revealed that Roger's "self-coaching software" was slightly overloaded. Thus coach
Tony Roche was hired on an interim basis to help handle the computational load. Because of his senility, he would not be able to understand Roger's true cybernetic nature. In his hey-day, Coach Roche led
Tennis Great and former world #1 Patrick Rafter to two US Open titles. This past history of Roche was ideal as, Pat Rafter was NOT a machine, he was simply superhuman in it's truest sense. (
Aside: any player in the open era who had greater results than Rafter was either juiced or robotic, therefore
making Patrick Rafter the greatest human player in the history of the game of Tennis)
In conclusion, the smoking new T-2005 "Tennis Terminator," codename: "Roger Federer" is now operational and has already proven successful at the ATP stop in Dubai.
However due to a program glitch, he could not get his PPU to retract before an impromptu press conference in Qutar, Dubai. Hence, Dr. Mirka quickly found a culturally suitable disguise:
Unfortunately, due to the high speed winds of the middle eastern deserts, his head piece flew up and off his forehead, revealing his PPU unit.
With world-class wit, the T-2005 was able to swindle the poor Dubaian press by persuading them that this "object" on his head was nothing out of the ordinary, but rather an expression of fan-fare for his favourite Swiss rock band, PPU.
The fortnight of the amazing Australian Open is now upon us. This tournament will prove to be no challenge for the new and improved T-2005. His engineering has become so advanced that no human will be able to stop him on any surface.
- Current program executing: "Project Grand Slam (baby!!!!).exe"
- Current one liner installed and ready for execution subsequently after 4th slam trophy of the year is held up over shoulders: "Watch your back Laver! Here comes your daddy!!!!"
--
APPENDIX
Tennis Terminator v.2001
Primary Objective: Allocate all resources to defeating tennis great Pete Sampras
Secondary Objective: To cause massive public confusion as to my racquet model and specifications.
Tennis Terminator v.2002
Primary Objective: Mask Peripheral Perception Unit (PPU).
Secondary Objective: To cause massive public confusion as to my racquet model and specifications.
Tennis Terminator v.2004
Primary Objective: To cause massive frustration to my greatest fans, Andy Roddick and Lleyton Hewitt.
Secondary Objective: To cause massive public confusion as to my racquet model and specifications.
Tennis Terminator v.2005
Primary Objective: To capture all 4 grand slam titles
Secondary Objective: To cause massive public confusion as to my racquet model and specifications.
Tertiary Objective: Build on current relationship with Kofi Annan and other political leaders towards my ultimate goal to rule the world.
Equipment
The Following is *TOP SECRET* and should not be discussed with anyone or distributed on some internet message board.
Roger Federer's associate in success has been his racquet. In a multi-trillion dollar contract with Wilson Sporting goods, Dr. Mirka and the Wilson Research and Design team have collaborated together to create the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.
This racq... *@%*!(%!&#$...
abnormal program termination.
... Before you go calling me crazy, let me tell you I'm up here in Canada stuck in my bed with a lovely cold virus and my laptop on a Friday night and virtually nothing to do but wait for the Aussie Open and make up really, really crazy stuff.
However, if you have any questions on the history or specifications of the Roger Federer line of cybernetic organisms, I'd be happy to answer them!
Thx,
.
