Today, I was supposed to play doubles at 10:00 at some public courts. There are three sets of three courts, and they sometimes fill up. I arrived about 20 minutes early, and I found two adjacent empty courts -- one in the middle and one at the end. I set my hopper of ball and tennis bag on C-2 in the middle and used the roller to wipe up the rain puddles. Having staked my claim, I left to use the bathroom. Now, these courts have rather stupid rules about what to do when the courts are full. The rules say that play must begin on the hour, and if you start before the hour, someone can come and kick you off on the hour. Obviously, this system doesn't work well when there are nine courts -- who do you kick off and how do you know who has been playing longest? To address that obvious flaw in the rules, there is a sign-in system. There is a sign saying you are to sign in when you begin play, and if you don't then you may be "challenged." Of course, the sign-in sheet is frequently missing or vandalized. In my experience, most people just grab a court and play as long as they want, and people who come later wait or go find a court elsewhere. When I returned at about 9:50, an older lady -- let's call her "Sheila" because that is her name -- came up and asked if that was my hopper on C-2. I said yes, and she said I ought to move to C-3 because otherwise my balls would roll onto other courts. I said no, I would be staying on C-2 and I was expecting a group for doubles. Sheila said she had written her name in the book and was therefore entitled to C-2. I said I didn't know about any book, but I had cleaned the court and would begin playing with my group at 10:00 so she should just go play on C-3. So she went back over to the book and crossed out C-2 and wrote C-3. While Sheila was doing this, two singles players went onto C-3 and started playing. It was 10:00. Uh-oh. Meanwhile, my group arrived and we started playing. In the middle of our game, Sheila marched across our court and told the singles players that she had reserved the court by writing in the book and they needed to get off. They said they had just started and if she wanted to kick someone off of a court, she should go pick on the men who start at the crack of dawn and play for hours. Sheila left. A few minutes later, she marched across our court in mid-point and said she had *called the police* and they had better get off the court. The singles players laughed at her, asked her whether she was crazy, and told her they weren't leaving. At 10:14, the third court next to us opened up, and Sheila and her group took that court and began playing. At 10:30, the police arrived. It was a uniformed female county police officer accompanied by a guy in a t-shirt and jeans. The uniformed officer let the guy do the talking and wore a look on her face that said, "I could have been in homicide, but no. I get Tennis Court Detail." They talked to Sheila's group, marched across our court to talk to the singles players, and marched across again to talk to Sheila again. No one was tasered, thankfully, and the police left without doing anything. We all kept playing, and Sheila's group had a ball roll across our court. Sheila shouted for someone to retrieve her ball, without the patient and apologetic tone one normally uses. One of the singles players shouted, "You'd better get crackin' or that old lady will call the police!" And that is when Sheila dropped the S-bomb: **"SIT ON IT!!"** Yep, that's what she said. "Sit on it!" as a stinging insult? In 2009? I felt like I was in an episode of "Happy Days." Man. Have you ever tried to hold serve when there is a police investigation happening on the neighboring courts? I can now tell you from personal experience that the Long Arm Of The Law will make you double-fault. A lot. Me, I'm gonna steer clear of Sheila next week. I'd never survive in prison!