Mainad
Bionic Poster
No votes for Roger or Rafa:
https://www.atptour.com/en/video/vi...-monfils-whos-the-funniest-player-on-atp-tour
https://www.atptour.com/en/video/vi...-monfils-whos-the-funniest-player-on-atp-tour
Murray or Monfils: Who's the funniest guy on the ATP tour?
- Thread starter Mainad
- Start date
Poisoned Slice
Bionic Poster
Dark sarcasm ftw.
Lleytonstation
Talk Tennis Guru
Murray, you sometimes don't know whether to laugh or be offended. Such dry humor.
I mean, it's funny, but he is British... Now it is hilarious.
I mean, it's funny, but he is British... Now it is hilarious.
Federer and Del Potro
Bionic Poster
We laugh at him usually not with him.
C
Chadalina
Guest
Murray is the opposite of funny, negative and mopey.
Monfils is always smiling and having a good time.
Monfils is always smiling and having a good time.
It’s the same with your jokes.
No but I agree, and even then, it’s not that funny. Christ, even Federer made me laugh more during exhibitions.
Purplemonster
Hall of Fame
Not everything is about Federer
Mainad
Bionic Poster
Clownfils will feel most insulted.
True Fanerer
G.O.A.T.
I've never thought of Monfils as funny. Entertaining yes, not funny. Murray is way funnier to me.
Raiden
Hall of Fame
Monfils seems a misnomer. He is not funny (never even tries to be) but is just fun, amusing, popular with players and fans. Not the same thing as being or not being funny or humorous).
Murray has an unfair advantage. Who knows plenty others may be just as dry as him or more in their native tongue.
An underrated humor talent is Zverev. But if his ass keeps getting whipped then that side of him may never fully blossom.
Murray has an unfair advantage. Who knows plenty others may be just as dry as him or more in their native tongue.
An underrated humor talent is Zverev. But if his ass keeps getting whipped then that side of him may never fully blossom.
BeatlesFan
Bionic Poster
EloQuent
Legend
The best is that Ivo Karlovic's Wikipedia page says he's funny on Twitter. I think because he once made a "your mom" joke.
Mury has a wicked dark humour. Zverev has lines sometimes.
The Big 3 are devoid of humor. Frankly most players are either cliché generators or embarrassing ****s.
Mury has a wicked dark humour. Zverev has lines sometimes.
The Big 3 are devoid of humor. Frankly most players are either cliché generators or embarrassing ****s.
Lleytonstation
Talk Tennis Guru
Wrong.
Lleytonstation
Talk Tennis Guru
Fed and djoker could say funny things, and I bet they do in real life. However, they seal their lips in public.
veroniquem
Bionic Poster
Murray is funny? 
Oh maybe you mean in interviews but then Monfils is funny on the court
Oh maybe you mean in interviews but then Monfils is funny on the court
veroniquem
Bionic Poster
On 2nd thoughts, Murray had the funniest on court meltdown I have ever seen: the gong-gate vs Nishikori at USO. I don't think I've ever laughed so much (was it caused by Murray or the gong effect though? )
(was it caused by Murray or the gong effect though? )
EloQuent
Legend
Joe is too uptight and testy to be funny. He's the kind of guy you joke around with and suddenly he takes things too seriously and gets insulted. Like his fans.
Fedr has dad jokes, but by definition they are only "funny" because they come from him.
Lleytonstation
Talk Tennis Guru
Haha spot on. I literally see that, your laughing having a good time and then all of the sudden...
"I am going to kill you"
RaulRamirez
Legend
Humor has so many different aspects.
Murray has a dry, droll wit about him. He's hardly cheerful, but can be razor sharp.
Monfils has the ability to entertain on the court.
At times, Djokovic forces it, but he is extremely witty, and has excellent comic timing.
In the past, Roddick definitely had a dry wit. Nastase has become a bit of a pariah, but in his day, he could be very charming and entertaining...though he always had a dark side.
Murray has a dry, droll wit about him. He's hardly cheerful, but can be razor sharp.
Monfils has the ability to entertain on the court.
At times, Djokovic forces it, but he is extremely witty, and has excellent comic timing.
In the past, Roddick definitely had a dry wit. Nastase has become a bit of a pariah, but in his day, he could be very charming and entertaining...though he always had a dark side.
The Green Mile
Bionic Poster
Locker room and every day tour stuff, things we aren't really privy to.
Fedr and three others
Rookie
Murray doesn't make jokes. Just says dumb things and people mistake it for dry British humour.
Mainad
Bionic Poster
Murray is funny?
Oh maybe you mean in interviews but then Monfils is funny on the court
Mainad
Bionic Poster
Wurm
Professional
Djokovic "entertaining" the crowd:
I'm not sure how anyone over the age of 8 finds him funny. He's probably funnier away from the cameras when not trying so hard, mind.
Murray's not that funny but he does banter fairly well, which can be amusing when the idiot press give him good setups to take the **** out of ("how do you eat your strawberries" is a weird question to ask someone British).
Fed's basically a 55 year old Dad when it comes to humour.
Roddick's the funniest recent player.
I'm not sure how anyone over the age of 8 finds him funny. He's probably funnier away from the cameras when not trying so hard, mind.
Murray's not that funny but he does banter fairly well, which can be amusing when the idiot press give him good setups to take the **** out of ("how do you eat your strawberries" is a weird question to ask someone British).
Fed's basically a 55 year old Dad when it comes to humour.
Roddick's the funniest recent player.
D
Deleted member 733170
Guest
Murray is hilarious when he grabs his leg and whinces after he loses a point.
BeatlesFan
Bionic Poster
veroniquem
Bionic Poster
You must miss him a lot
BeatlesFan
Bionic Poster
I'm not even a Murray fan, and I miss him a lot!You must miss him a lot
Mainad
Bionic Poster
You must miss him a lot
I do but, then again, I've never disliked any player enough not to want to see them back on court again especially if they have been a top player.
Ann
Hall of Fame
They're all wrong.
NoleLegend2019
New User
Federer's the funniest in interviews. Not sure where people are getting the idea he does "dad jokes" except for the fact that he's "old." Maybe he does Dad jokes on Twitter, but I don't follow his Twitter.
D
Deleted member 733170
Guest
Is Hewitt the least funny player?
Trying to remember a funny moment involving Hewitt. Please remind me of one.
Trying to remember a funny moment involving Hewitt. Please remind me of one.
Thundergod
Hall of Fame
2004 USO Finals
I loved that Isner called Querrey the Larry David of tennis. Does Sam get into cringe-worthy spats with the disabled, make inadvertent racist remarks, kvetch about the food in the players’ lounge and awkwardly comment on genitalia in the locker room? Then again, did Larry ever have some nightmare dancers in horse masks on his show?
I could actually see a great episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” based in the tennis world.
Disclaimer: I meant to write a couple of graphs and ending up writing this insanely long episode. TL;DR: Larry goes to the U.S. Open and mixes it up with Serena, Novak, Rafa, Bernie, Maria, the Federer Family and more. Anyway, for those interested, this goes out to the “Curb” fans …
"Game over for Larry"
Imagine it’s the New York Open. Larry is in Manhattan. Jeff says he got some free tickets to the men’s and women’s finals. Larry demurs, as it’s not baseball. Jeff says they have to go — it’s Maria vs. Serena and Roger vs. Rafa (because of course it is for TV).
Larry agrees. “You know who I like — that guy Nick Kyrgios. Somebody sent me a YouTube video of him hitting balls between his legs. It linked to another video where he was talking smack about other players. I appreciated the honesty. So many players are too polite these days. Too polite! You can’t be polite in sports.” “So polite!” “He’s like a new John McEnroe — who I chauffeured once, by the way. Anyway, Kyrgios was talking about this other player, can’t remember his name, but he sounds like a putz. When he wins, he does some cringey celebration of giving his heart to the audience.” Jeff: “I hope that’s not literal! But if it is … give it to me. I could use a new one!” “He apparently sends forth the love from his chest like some tacky Hallmark movie.” “Horrible!” “Do you think we’ll see Kyrgios there?” “Nah, he lost first round. But Federer!” “Yes, he is the greatest. Even McEnroe was going on about him after a few drinks, talking about he was the most beautiful player he’d ever seen.” “Has he seen Sharapova?” “Yeah, it was getting a little uncomfortable. I thought maybe he wanted to play doubles with Roger, if you know what I mean. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…” “Of course not, but Maria! That’s a Russian I’d like to have some collusion with.” “Hey, do you think we could get a private meeting?” “No way, I’ve tried, but she’s very chilly and likes to stay to herself. But I can get you a meet-and-greet with Roger.” “Really?” “Yeah. How do you think I got these tickets? Susie is good friends with Mary Jo Fernandez’s cousin. Mary Jo is the wife of Roger’s agent.” “Let’s set something up!”
Day of the women’s final: Larry and Jeff arrive. They are seated behind Serena Williams’ box. Before the match, there’s the final for women’s wheelchair doubles. Larry is confused as they come out on the court. One of the women is African American, which leads to some further confusion as he didn’t realize there was an opening match. “I know Serena’s getting older but can she really play without walking?” Jeff has to explain, which only raises more questions for Larry. “This seems kind of lazy compared with the other matches. I heard somewhere that a lot of people in wheelchairs actually don’t need them. They just don’t want to walk.” Jeff: “What are you, crazy?!” “It’s not that they’d be running the Boston Marathon. Perhaps they have some walking difficulty, but instead of using a cane or crutch, they just take the easy route and get the chair. It’s disrespect for those who need to use the chair and have no other choice. Not everyone needs the chair! You don’t think I’d like to do my job in a rolling chair… Have someone push me into a pitch meeting with NBC? No, I walk. I’d love to be rolled. I did that once in an airport and it’s very luxurious, I can tell you. I bet these two don’t even need the chairs to play. They’re just too slow to compete with the other players, so they take advantage of a loophole.” “Like those men who Republicans say become transgendered so they can use the women’s restrooms.” “Exactly. What they should do is have a linesperson come behind them and push them from the chair to see if they use their legs. That’s how you prove they’re fakes.”
That conversation goes on a while till the match ends and Serena and Maria play. Larry notices Anna Wintour in Serena’s box. “Hey,” he tells Jeff. “That’s Anna Wintour. I met her at Ted Danson’s place one time. She said she liked me in ‘The Producers.’” “She was probably being nice.” “Does that look like a woman who pretends to be nice? She was wearing sunglasses indoors the whole time.” “You have a point. Who does that?!” “I should say hello.” “Maybe not.” Larry ignores Jeff and immediately gets up out of his seat and bounds over a divider to work himself into an empty seat in Serena’s box. “Anna!” She turns and takes in the sight. “Larry?” They chat for a while. “Is this your first time here?” she asks him, getting over her surprise. “It is. I’m hoping to see Roger and Rafa tomorrow.” Anna explains she’s good friends with the Federer family and will be in Roger’s box cheering him on. “Maybe you can get me a free seat like today.” “Hmmmm, perhaps.” As Larry tried to catch up with Anna, someone in Serena’s box turns and shushes him. “Did she just shush me?” “Perhaps we should just watch the tennis, Larry.” “Where’s Venus?” “She lost in the quarterfinals.” “Shouldn’t she be here supporting her sister? I mean, I always thought I was like Venus … calm, cool and collected. Now, Serena she can get worked up.” Fortuitously, Serena starts arguing with the umpire, a blond woman whom she accuses of having wronged her in the past. “I thought we could be over the sexism this year with a woman, but aren’t you the one who tried to cheat me ‘cause I yelled ‘Come on’ and before that on the foot fault. You’re a hater, you’re totally out of control and trying to steal another U.S. Open title from me.”
Larry, sensing he can help resolve this issue, makes his way onto the court, calmly walking to where Serena is swinging her racket toward the umpire while Maria sits calmly with a towel over her head on her bench. Larry: “What seems to be the problem here?” Umpire: “Sir, what are you doing on the court?” “Well, I guess I’m representing us poor saps in the crowd waiting for the tennis to continue. I thought I would come see what the hold-up is.” Larry motions to the crowd, causing them to cheer his actions. Serena: “Larry David. Oh my god, my sister and I love ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’ Venus loves it when you fight with kids.” “Oh… thank you very much. Why shouldn’t you fight with kids? If a kid is being obnoxious, you have to call them out. Why should they get a pass? Nobody gets a pass!” “Damn straight, this umpire doesn’t get a pass either. She’s a hater.” Larry, formerly neutral, is now leaning toward supporting Serena in this matter. “It sounds like you’re having a heated discussion here. Perhaps I can be an impartial voice.” Umpire: “Sir, this is what the tournament referee is for. Please return to your seat.” Serena: “Now hold up, this is Larry David here.” “Who?” “‘Seinfeld’? See, this shows you have bad judgment. Kramer! Elaine! George, for chrissake… (turning to Larry) … she’s just ugly on the inside.” Larry: “She’s pretty ugly on the outside, too, if we’re being completely honest. I mean she’s not a total dog, but we’re on court with you and Maria. And you two have very athletic bodies.” Serena: “Um, OK, Larry, I respect you and all but we don’t need to be bringing HER into it…” Maria still pays no attention. Umpire: “Perhaps we should get back to the tennis.” Larry: “Yes, it’s all good fighting with the umpire. John McEnroe told me that while we were looking at the Freak Book together. I actually kind of prefer it to the actual tennis, but I think I’m in the minority.” Serena: “OK, fine, let’s play. Larry’s right.” “I am?”
Larry turns to leave, everything seemingly resolved, but then comes back. “One more thing … Could you two keep the grunting down a bit?” Serena: “What?” “I hate to be indiscreet and all, but there are kids in the crowd. It’s a real family setting here. And frankly it sounds like a pornographic film out here with the moaning and screaming. A very specific porn title I own with two women, I might add. Not that I watch it all that often, but sometimes you’re in the mood for that kind of thing.” Everyone looks disgusted. “Did you know there’s a porn parody based on you and your sister. I think she gets top billing, but that’s mainly because of the virtues of the rhymes that come with her first name. You both get a good workout in the film, if you know what I mean. … And I mean, it’s not only women who sound like they’re receiving erotic pleasure. We were watching Rafa the other day on TV and boy does he have some lungs on him. And the guy he was playing, I think his name was Borna. My friend called him Porna because he was moaning and writhing like a woman pleasuring a large group of men getting a massage on the sideline. He lost the match, but it was a happy ending. Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that.” Serena: “Larry, you are disgusting.” “I’ve been told that. Maybe I should head to your box. As in where your supporters are sitting, not in any other erotic connotation.” Larry begins walking away. “Hey Maria, I love your candy, especially the sour ones. You should do a cameo on the show.” Maria finally raises her head. “Thanks, Larry.” Serena, enraged, throws her racket toward Maria. “You and that damn candy. You getting a TV role. You getting lucky at WImbledon that one time. I’m sick of it.” After her earlier offenses, Serena defaults the match and Maria wins for the first time in years. Larry re-joins Jeff as the umpire announces the default. Jeff: “After all that porn talk, the match was certainly anti-climactic.”
Part 2 coming up ...
I could actually see a great episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” based in the tennis world.
Disclaimer: I meant to write a couple of graphs and ending up writing this insanely long episode. TL;DR: Larry goes to the U.S. Open and mixes it up with Serena, Novak, Rafa, Bernie, Maria, the Federer Family and more. Anyway, for those interested, this goes out to the “Curb” fans …
"Game over for Larry"
Imagine it’s the New York Open. Larry is in Manhattan. Jeff says he got some free tickets to the men’s and women’s finals. Larry demurs, as it’s not baseball. Jeff says they have to go — it’s Maria vs. Serena and Roger vs. Rafa (because of course it is for TV).
Larry agrees. “You know who I like — that guy Nick Kyrgios. Somebody sent me a YouTube video of him hitting balls between his legs. It linked to another video where he was talking smack about other players. I appreciated the honesty. So many players are too polite these days. Too polite! You can’t be polite in sports.” “So polite!” “He’s like a new John McEnroe — who I chauffeured once, by the way. Anyway, Kyrgios was talking about this other player, can’t remember his name, but he sounds like a putz. When he wins, he does some cringey celebration of giving his heart to the audience.” Jeff: “I hope that’s not literal! But if it is … give it to me. I could use a new one!” “He apparently sends forth the love from his chest like some tacky Hallmark movie.” “Horrible!” “Do you think we’ll see Kyrgios there?” “Nah, he lost first round. But Federer!” “Yes, he is the greatest. Even McEnroe was going on about him after a few drinks, talking about he was the most beautiful player he’d ever seen.” “Has he seen Sharapova?” “Yeah, it was getting a little uncomfortable. I thought maybe he wanted to play doubles with Roger, if you know what I mean. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…” “Of course not, but Maria! That’s a Russian I’d like to have some collusion with.” “Hey, do you think we could get a private meeting?” “No way, I’ve tried, but she’s very chilly and likes to stay to herself. But I can get you a meet-and-greet with Roger.” “Really?” “Yeah. How do you think I got these tickets? Susie is good friends with Mary Jo Fernandez’s cousin. Mary Jo is the wife of Roger’s agent.” “Let’s set something up!”
Day of the women’s final: Larry and Jeff arrive. They are seated behind Serena Williams’ box. Before the match, there’s the final for women’s wheelchair doubles. Larry is confused as they come out on the court. One of the women is African American, which leads to some further confusion as he didn’t realize there was an opening match. “I know Serena’s getting older but can she really play without walking?” Jeff has to explain, which only raises more questions for Larry. “This seems kind of lazy compared with the other matches. I heard somewhere that a lot of people in wheelchairs actually don’t need them. They just don’t want to walk.” Jeff: “What are you, crazy?!” “It’s not that they’d be running the Boston Marathon. Perhaps they have some walking difficulty, but instead of using a cane or crutch, they just take the easy route and get the chair. It’s disrespect for those who need to use the chair and have no other choice. Not everyone needs the chair! You don’t think I’d like to do my job in a rolling chair… Have someone push me into a pitch meeting with NBC? No, I walk. I’d love to be rolled. I did that once in an airport and it’s very luxurious, I can tell you. I bet these two don’t even need the chairs to play. They’re just too slow to compete with the other players, so they take advantage of a loophole.” “Like those men who Republicans say become transgendered so they can use the women’s restrooms.” “Exactly. What they should do is have a linesperson come behind them and push them from the chair to see if they use their legs. That’s how you prove they’re fakes.”
That conversation goes on a while till the match ends and Serena and Maria play. Larry notices Anna Wintour in Serena’s box. “Hey,” he tells Jeff. “That’s Anna Wintour. I met her at Ted Danson’s place one time. She said she liked me in ‘The Producers.’” “She was probably being nice.” “Does that look like a woman who pretends to be nice? She was wearing sunglasses indoors the whole time.” “You have a point. Who does that?!” “I should say hello.” “Maybe not.” Larry ignores Jeff and immediately gets up out of his seat and bounds over a divider to work himself into an empty seat in Serena’s box. “Anna!” She turns and takes in the sight. “Larry?” They chat for a while. “Is this your first time here?” she asks him, getting over her surprise. “It is. I’m hoping to see Roger and Rafa tomorrow.” Anna explains she’s good friends with the Federer family and will be in Roger’s box cheering him on. “Maybe you can get me a free seat like today.” “Hmmmm, perhaps.” As Larry tried to catch up with Anna, someone in Serena’s box turns and shushes him. “Did she just shush me?” “Perhaps we should just watch the tennis, Larry.” “Where’s Venus?” “She lost in the quarterfinals.” “Shouldn’t she be here supporting her sister? I mean, I always thought I was like Venus … calm, cool and collected. Now, Serena she can get worked up.” Fortuitously, Serena starts arguing with the umpire, a blond woman whom she accuses of having wronged her in the past. “I thought we could be over the sexism this year with a woman, but aren’t you the one who tried to cheat me ‘cause I yelled ‘Come on’ and before that on the foot fault. You’re a hater, you’re totally out of control and trying to steal another U.S. Open title from me.”
Larry, sensing he can help resolve this issue, makes his way onto the court, calmly walking to where Serena is swinging her racket toward the umpire while Maria sits calmly with a towel over her head on her bench. Larry: “What seems to be the problem here?” Umpire: “Sir, what are you doing on the court?” “Well, I guess I’m representing us poor saps in the crowd waiting for the tennis to continue. I thought I would come see what the hold-up is.” Larry motions to the crowd, causing them to cheer his actions. Serena: “Larry David. Oh my god, my sister and I love ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’ Venus loves it when you fight with kids.” “Oh… thank you very much. Why shouldn’t you fight with kids? If a kid is being obnoxious, you have to call them out. Why should they get a pass? Nobody gets a pass!” “Damn straight, this umpire doesn’t get a pass either. She’s a hater.” Larry, formerly neutral, is now leaning toward supporting Serena in this matter. “It sounds like you’re having a heated discussion here. Perhaps I can be an impartial voice.” Umpire: “Sir, this is what the tournament referee is for. Please return to your seat.” Serena: “Now hold up, this is Larry David here.” “Who?” “‘Seinfeld’? See, this shows you have bad judgment. Kramer! Elaine! George, for chrissake… (turning to Larry) … she’s just ugly on the inside.” Larry: “She’s pretty ugly on the outside, too, if we’re being completely honest. I mean she’s not a total dog, but we’re on court with you and Maria. And you two have very athletic bodies.” Serena: “Um, OK, Larry, I respect you and all but we don’t need to be bringing HER into it…” Maria still pays no attention. Umpire: “Perhaps we should get back to the tennis.” Larry: “Yes, it’s all good fighting with the umpire. John McEnroe told me that while we were looking at the Freak Book together. I actually kind of prefer it to the actual tennis, but I think I’m in the minority.” Serena: “OK, fine, let’s play. Larry’s right.” “I am?”
Larry turns to leave, everything seemingly resolved, but then comes back. “One more thing … Could you two keep the grunting down a bit?” Serena: “What?” “I hate to be indiscreet and all, but there are kids in the crowd. It’s a real family setting here. And frankly it sounds like a pornographic film out here with the moaning and screaming. A very specific porn title I own with two women, I might add. Not that I watch it all that often, but sometimes you’re in the mood for that kind of thing.” Everyone looks disgusted. “Did you know there’s a porn parody based on you and your sister. I think she gets top billing, but that’s mainly because of the virtues of the rhymes that come with her first name. You both get a good workout in the film, if you know what I mean. … And I mean, it’s not only women who sound like they’re receiving erotic pleasure. We were watching Rafa the other day on TV and boy does he have some lungs on him. And the guy he was playing, I think his name was Borna. My friend called him Porna because he was moaning and writhing like a woman pleasuring a large group of men getting a massage on the sideline. He lost the match, but it was a happy ending. Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that.” Serena: “Larry, you are disgusting.” “I’ve been told that. Maybe I should head to your box. As in where your supporters are sitting, not in any other erotic connotation.” Larry begins walking away. “Hey Maria, I love your candy, especially the sour ones. You should do a cameo on the show.” Maria finally raises her head. “Thanks, Larry.” Serena, enraged, throws her racket toward Maria. “You and that damn candy. You getting a TV role. You getting lucky at WImbledon that one time. I’m sick of it.” After her earlier offenses, Serena defaults the match and Maria wins for the first time in years. Larry re-joins Jeff as the umpire announces the default. Jeff: “After all that porn talk, the match was certainly anti-climactic.”
Part 2 coming up ...
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Part 2
The next day: After the situation on court with Larry went viral, the U.S. Open invited him back to apologize, apparently hoping for viral magic. And of course he could watch the Rafa-Fed final. After Larry talked to the press about the incident, they let him hang out in the players’ lounge before the final. There he runs into Novak, who had lost in the fifth set of the semis to Federer after having two match points. Nole was here to watch the final because Pepe had counseled him that should he root for his rivals he could achieve a certain inner peace that could help him beat them in the future. So he was watching from the players’ lounge, enjoying some complimentary refreshments that Larry David was also drawn to. He recognized the star of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and introduced himself. He had heard about the situation with Serena and was quite amused. “Larry David, I love Seinfeld. My friends and I like to re-create ‘The Contest.’ I always lose, though.’” They both laughed. “I bet you do. You here for the Federer-Nadal match, too?” “Yeah, I guess.” “You work as one of their physios or something … is that why you’re back here?” “Not so lucky. I play tennis, too.” “Oh, I bet you’re very good at it. Hey, do you know this guy Nick Kyrgios. He’s really something.” “Well, Larry, I have to agree with you there. He’s really something.” “Really talented. He hits the ball through his legs. You have a between-the-legs shot … sorry, what’s your name?” “Novak.” They shake hands. “No, Larry, I don’t. But I have something else between my legs.” Novak just laughs, looking down at his crotch, enjoying this absurdity after the irony of losing to Fed like he did. Larry suddenly becomes worried that perhaps this Novak fellow is into him. What gave him that impression? “Well, you are a very attractive man. Truth be told, out of my league, if I were into that sort of thing. But I’m not. But I bet you can get whoever you like. How about that Borna fellow? He seems like he really enjoys a man’s touch … not that there’s anything wrong with that … Anyway, this Nick Kygrios guy. Did you hear him ragging on Rafa and this other putz. Don’t remember his name, but he does some cringey thing after he wins, giving his heart metaphorically to the crowd, like he’s a Disney princess.” Novak, getting tired of this, laughs and slams his beer bottle down on the oak coffee table. Larry takes a long, hard look at the bottle on the table and its future ring: “Let me ask you this, Novak … Do you respect wood?” Novak stands up, grabs his crotch: “Respect this wood, Larry.”
On his way out, Bernard Tomic — also enjoying the free food with his crew — decides to stop Larry and invite him over to join them. “Hey mate, love the show, come join me and my mates.” “OK,” Larry says, the guy seems nice enough. “Do I know you? You look familiar?” “You probably saw me on ‘I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here.’ I tangled with a dangerous snake in Africa.” “Is that a sexual thing? Because I just got quite a bit from that guy over there.” He points to Novak sulkily drinking his beer. “Novak, he’s a wanker. He’s never been on a reality show, not even ‘Big Brother’ and they let anyone on those. But I got the star power. You should bring me on your show.” Tomic sits Larry down to pitch him. “What if we do an episode where Larry comes to Miami to hang with his good friend Bernie in his million-dollar penthouse.” “Hmmm, how would Larry know Bernie.” “Well, let’s say he meets him in the players’ lounge at the U.S. Open after getting involved in the women’s final.” “I could see it, I guess. And you’re a tennis player?” “Yeah, man, Bernie Tomic. Millionaire. Wimbledon 2012 quarterfinalist. Four career titles, including back-to-back titles in Colombia.” “Colombia? That’s an interesting place for you to get into a roll. What, you go there to bring back a little of the nose candy.” Larry makes sniffing noises. “Why, you want some? I can get you whatever you want man, uppers, downers, euthanasia drugs. That could be the episode. Hot girls, fast cars, partying at the clubs. Weekend at Bernie’s.” “Weekend at Bernie’s … that’s catchy. Maybe you end up overdosing and then Jeff and I have to prop you up and carry you around the club to get VIP access with your friends.” “I love that.” “Say, Bernie, do you know Nick Kyrgios.” “Of course, he’s my mate, a fellow Aussie. I can get you Nick. I can get you Alex De Minaur, I can get you Kokkinakis. Hell, the Kokk will do full frontal if HBO wants. I know they like the sex and nudity. Hell, I would too because I’m pretty gifted in that area. Bigger than Nick for sure. Wanna see?” Again, these guys all seem to want to get with Larry. Is he wearing a special cologne today or what? “I’ll have my people call your people.” Larry begins to leave, then asks, curious: “Say Bernie, who beat you in that Wimbledon quarterfinal.” “Novak … he’s over there.” Larry looks back at over at Novak, seething in the corner. “Him? You lost to that sad-sack?” “Yeah, Djokovic.” “Djokovic …” the realization comes. “You mean, that’s the guy who does the heart thing?” “Yeah, I do a similar thing with my crotch when I win, but don’t do that too often. You sure you don’t want to see? You can tell HBO.” “OK, why not. But let’s go around the corner.” Larry need any reason to get away from Novak, so he awkwardly goes around the corner, where Tomic pulls down his shorts. “It’s prettay, prettay, prettay good… now if you’ll excuse me.” Larry quickly jogs out of the players’ lounge.
Larry heads out to watch the match outside. Jeff was in their seats, but he spotted Anna Wintour across the court in Federer’s box. It looked like there was an empty seat. She’d saved it for him. Larry looked at the score as the players took a break to change ends. He better get over there. Federer was making quick work of the match 6-3, 6-4, 5-2. Larry wanted to be in that box in case Fed climbed up to his box like he had seen someone do once when winning a slam. Perhaps Larry deserved some credit, too, as a good luck charm. It had certainly worked for Maria yesterday. He decided to move quickly before they called time. He made his way on court — “What’s up with their security here?” Jeff shouts at him — but on his way over he passes Rafa and accidentally knocks over all of his water bottles. Rafa had already been rattled by the Maestro’s magic wand today. This was the omen he did not need at this point. “What are you doing: You knocked over my bottles, no?!” “No!” “Yes, you did. I see you do it.” “Well, why do you have bottles here anyway, blocking the walking path. It’s really a safety hazard. They allow this? It’s really outrageous. You could have a serious lawsuit here. Imagine I knock over the bottle, some water spills out, and I break my neck.” “It’s my bottles, OK, I put them where I want. Why are you on the court anyway?” Rafa turns to the chair umpire. “He knock over my bottles. Can I get an MTO to regroup?” Larry decides to leave that hot mess and makes his way right across the tennis court over to Federer’s box, making his way up to sit by Anna, who rolls her eyes. “Larry! Again! You have to get out of here.” “Why? You saved me this seat.” “This seat is for Roger’s wife, Mirka.” “Well, I don’t see her.” “She went to the restroom and she’s coming back right now. The box is full Larry.” Mirka returns and Larry introduces himself and explains the conundrum of having been invited to join them. Mirka, having seen the show, tries to be polite. “I’m sorry. We just don’t have enough seats or I would ask you to join us.” Play had been stalled as Rafa called out the tournament referee to complain about Larry walking on court. “But I was sitting here. Haven’t you heard of finders keepers … possession is nine-tenths of the law and all that?” “Please, Larry, I’m just trying to watch my husband play. Don’t make me call Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. Roger and I had dinner with her once.” “You know Julia?” Larry is worried and immediately gets up. He doesn’t need that. He looks for another solution. “Well, I see each of the kids has a seat. Can’t they squeeze together. Two kids in a full-grown seat. It really seems silly.” “Oh, I can’t ask them to do that,” Mirka said. So Larry walks over and pushes Lenny — or is it Leo — into the other seat with his twin and sits down. “There, we all fit now. It’s not rocket science.”
After a few minutes, the referee settled things down and Fed served out the match with four aces in a minute. Rafa just couldn’t concentrate with his water bottles kicked aside. “It’s all your fault, Larry,” He shouts across the court. “I don’t want to talk about why I lost, all credit to Roger’s unbelievable play really,” he tells uncle Toni as he tries to calm him. Rafa isn’t having it and gets off his bench. But he slips because one of his bottles spilled earlier when Larry knocked it over. Larry was right in that somebody could trip and hurt himself. Rafa falls with a thud. “MTO! Did you all see that? I lose because I’m injured and Larry did it. He’s a bad man!” Everyone turns on Larry and starts to boo him, thinking Larry has ended Rafa’s career.
“I think maybe you’re right Mirka, this box is feeling a little cramped. I think I’ll get some air.” Larry tries to make his way out as the crowd boos. Then someone bounds over to the box. It’s Nick Kygrios. “Larry, mate, Bernie tweeted that you wanted to meet me.” “Nick, as Bernie would say — I’m a celebrity … get me out of here!” Nick then grabs Larry’s hand — why do these guys all find Larry so undeniably attractive? He couldn’t really blame them — and leads Larry away to a chorus of boos for Larry and Nick alike. Serena, still fuming over her loss, comes back out on court and starts shouting at Larry, too. Even Roger is miffed that this commotion is overshadowing his 22nd slam victory. Nobody is here for Larry except Nick as they exit Arthur Ashe in a hurried fashion.
Cut to “Curb Your Enthusiasm” theme.
The next day: After the situation on court with Larry went viral, the U.S. Open invited him back to apologize, apparently hoping for viral magic. And of course he could watch the Rafa-Fed final. After Larry talked to the press about the incident, they let him hang out in the players’ lounge before the final. There he runs into Novak, who had lost in the fifth set of the semis to Federer after having two match points. Nole was here to watch the final because Pepe had counseled him that should he root for his rivals he could achieve a certain inner peace that could help him beat them in the future. So he was watching from the players’ lounge, enjoying some complimentary refreshments that Larry David was also drawn to. He recognized the star of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and introduced himself. He had heard about the situation with Serena and was quite amused. “Larry David, I love Seinfeld. My friends and I like to re-create ‘The Contest.’ I always lose, though.’” They both laughed. “I bet you do. You here for the Federer-Nadal match, too?” “Yeah, I guess.” “You work as one of their physios or something … is that why you’re back here?” “Not so lucky. I play tennis, too.” “Oh, I bet you’re very good at it. Hey, do you know this guy Nick Kyrgios. He’s really something.” “Well, Larry, I have to agree with you there. He’s really something.” “Really talented. He hits the ball through his legs. You have a between-the-legs shot … sorry, what’s your name?” “Novak.” They shake hands. “No, Larry, I don’t. But I have something else between my legs.” Novak just laughs, looking down at his crotch, enjoying this absurdity after the irony of losing to Fed like he did. Larry suddenly becomes worried that perhaps this Novak fellow is into him. What gave him that impression? “Well, you are a very attractive man. Truth be told, out of my league, if I were into that sort of thing. But I’m not. But I bet you can get whoever you like. How about that Borna fellow? He seems like he really enjoys a man’s touch … not that there’s anything wrong with that … Anyway, this Nick Kygrios guy. Did you hear him ragging on Rafa and this other putz. Don’t remember his name, but he does some cringey thing after he wins, giving his heart metaphorically to the crowd, like he’s a Disney princess.” Novak, getting tired of this, laughs and slams his beer bottle down on the oak coffee table. Larry takes a long, hard look at the bottle on the table and its future ring: “Let me ask you this, Novak … Do you respect wood?” Novak stands up, grabs his crotch: “Respect this wood, Larry.”
On his way out, Bernard Tomic — also enjoying the free food with his crew — decides to stop Larry and invite him over to join them. “Hey mate, love the show, come join me and my mates.” “OK,” Larry says, the guy seems nice enough. “Do I know you? You look familiar?” “You probably saw me on ‘I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here.’ I tangled with a dangerous snake in Africa.” “Is that a sexual thing? Because I just got quite a bit from that guy over there.” He points to Novak sulkily drinking his beer. “Novak, he’s a wanker. He’s never been on a reality show, not even ‘Big Brother’ and they let anyone on those. But I got the star power. You should bring me on your show.” Tomic sits Larry down to pitch him. “What if we do an episode where Larry comes to Miami to hang with his good friend Bernie in his million-dollar penthouse.” “Hmmm, how would Larry know Bernie.” “Well, let’s say he meets him in the players’ lounge at the U.S. Open after getting involved in the women’s final.” “I could see it, I guess. And you’re a tennis player?” “Yeah, man, Bernie Tomic. Millionaire. Wimbledon 2012 quarterfinalist. Four career titles, including back-to-back titles in Colombia.” “Colombia? That’s an interesting place for you to get into a roll. What, you go there to bring back a little of the nose candy.” Larry makes sniffing noises. “Why, you want some? I can get you whatever you want man, uppers, downers, euthanasia drugs. That could be the episode. Hot girls, fast cars, partying at the clubs. Weekend at Bernie’s.” “Weekend at Bernie’s … that’s catchy. Maybe you end up overdosing and then Jeff and I have to prop you up and carry you around the club to get VIP access with your friends.” “I love that.” “Say, Bernie, do you know Nick Kyrgios.” “Of course, he’s my mate, a fellow Aussie. I can get you Nick. I can get you Alex De Minaur, I can get you Kokkinakis. Hell, the Kokk will do full frontal if HBO wants. I know they like the sex and nudity. Hell, I would too because I’m pretty gifted in that area. Bigger than Nick for sure. Wanna see?” Again, these guys all seem to want to get with Larry. Is he wearing a special cologne today or what? “I’ll have my people call your people.” Larry begins to leave, then asks, curious: “Say Bernie, who beat you in that Wimbledon quarterfinal.” “Novak … he’s over there.” Larry looks back at over at Novak, seething in the corner. “Him? You lost to that sad-sack?” “Yeah, Djokovic.” “Djokovic …” the realization comes. “You mean, that’s the guy who does the heart thing?” “Yeah, I do a similar thing with my crotch when I win, but don’t do that too often. You sure you don’t want to see? You can tell HBO.” “OK, why not. But let’s go around the corner.” Larry need any reason to get away from Novak, so he awkwardly goes around the corner, where Tomic pulls down his shorts. “It’s prettay, prettay, prettay good… now if you’ll excuse me.” Larry quickly jogs out of the players’ lounge.
Larry heads out to watch the match outside. Jeff was in their seats, but he spotted Anna Wintour across the court in Federer’s box. It looked like there was an empty seat. She’d saved it for him. Larry looked at the score as the players took a break to change ends. He better get over there. Federer was making quick work of the match 6-3, 6-4, 5-2. Larry wanted to be in that box in case Fed climbed up to his box like he had seen someone do once when winning a slam. Perhaps Larry deserved some credit, too, as a good luck charm. It had certainly worked for Maria yesterday. He decided to move quickly before they called time. He made his way on court — “What’s up with their security here?” Jeff shouts at him — but on his way over he passes Rafa and accidentally knocks over all of his water bottles. Rafa had already been rattled by the Maestro’s magic wand today. This was the omen he did not need at this point. “What are you doing: You knocked over my bottles, no?!” “No!” “Yes, you did. I see you do it.” “Well, why do you have bottles here anyway, blocking the walking path. It’s really a safety hazard. They allow this? It’s really outrageous. You could have a serious lawsuit here. Imagine I knock over the bottle, some water spills out, and I break my neck.” “It’s my bottles, OK, I put them where I want. Why are you on the court anyway?” Rafa turns to the chair umpire. “He knock over my bottles. Can I get an MTO to regroup?” Larry decides to leave that hot mess and makes his way right across the tennis court over to Federer’s box, making his way up to sit by Anna, who rolls her eyes. “Larry! Again! You have to get out of here.” “Why? You saved me this seat.” “This seat is for Roger’s wife, Mirka.” “Well, I don’t see her.” “She went to the restroom and she’s coming back right now. The box is full Larry.” Mirka returns and Larry introduces himself and explains the conundrum of having been invited to join them. Mirka, having seen the show, tries to be polite. “I’m sorry. We just don’t have enough seats or I would ask you to join us.” Play had been stalled as Rafa called out the tournament referee to complain about Larry walking on court. “But I was sitting here. Haven’t you heard of finders keepers … possession is nine-tenths of the law and all that?” “Please, Larry, I’m just trying to watch my husband play. Don’t make me call Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. Roger and I had dinner with her once.” “You know Julia?” Larry is worried and immediately gets up. He doesn’t need that. He looks for another solution. “Well, I see each of the kids has a seat. Can’t they squeeze together. Two kids in a full-grown seat. It really seems silly.” “Oh, I can’t ask them to do that,” Mirka said. So Larry walks over and pushes Lenny — or is it Leo — into the other seat with his twin and sits down. “There, we all fit now. It’s not rocket science.”
After a few minutes, the referee settled things down and Fed served out the match with four aces in a minute. Rafa just couldn’t concentrate with his water bottles kicked aside. “It’s all your fault, Larry,” He shouts across the court. “I don’t want to talk about why I lost, all credit to Roger’s unbelievable play really,” he tells uncle Toni as he tries to calm him. Rafa isn’t having it and gets off his bench. But he slips because one of his bottles spilled earlier when Larry knocked it over. Larry was right in that somebody could trip and hurt himself. Rafa falls with a thud. “MTO! Did you all see that? I lose because I’m injured and Larry did it. He’s a bad man!” Everyone turns on Larry and starts to boo him, thinking Larry has ended Rafa’s career.
“I think maybe you’re right Mirka, this box is feeling a little cramped. I think I’ll get some air.” Larry tries to make his way out as the crowd boos. Then someone bounds over to the box. It’s Nick Kygrios. “Larry, mate, Bernie tweeted that you wanted to meet me.” “Nick, as Bernie would say — I’m a celebrity … get me out of here!” Nick then grabs Larry’s hand — why do these guys all find Larry so undeniably attractive? He couldn’t really blame them — and leads Larry away to a chorus of boos for Larry and Nick alike. Serena, still fuming over her loss, comes back out on court and starts shouting at Larry, too. Even Roger is miffed that this commotion is overshadowing his 22nd slam victory. Nobody is here for Larry except Nick as they exit Arthur Ashe in a hurried fashion.
Cut to “Curb Your Enthusiasm” theme.
Lleytonstation
Talk Tennis Guru
Lleytonstation
Talk Tennis Guru
An old co-worker and I used to instant-message Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm subplots to each other when we were bored, so it came much too easily, I admit. I just started writing it and was having too much fun. They really should make me a consultant. I can come up with lots of cringey situations. It's a gift.
I think my favorite was "The Fruit Racist," in which Larry loudly proclaims a preference for white peaches and nectarines because they're sweeter and wonders who buys the yellow. He then freaks out that he might have offended an Asian-American family in the produce section because he was telling Jeff about the supremacy of the whites to the yellows and they overheard him but might not have caught his full context and so he awkwardly apologizes, telling them he does truly love some yellow fruit. He then buys five bunches of bananas and starts caressing them in an exaggerated fashion to show how much he loves them, saying "these fruits are the best." He then sees a gay couple staring at him and feels like he's made another faux-pas, and hence another apology and confrontation.
It's sad I actually have enough work to keep me busy for my full work shifts these days.
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