Over halfway to 50 Ways To Keep Sureshs PeRFect!
50! OK, it may take a while to get there, but if Paul Simon has 50 ways to leave a lover then you better believe Rafa has 50 reasons he lost a match. Here are some more ...
28. He had to skip the final so he could spend quality time with Fed before he returned to his Swiss castle. After Roger’s appearance on “Running Wild With Bear Grylls” and Bernard Tomic’s snake-handling stint on “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here,” Rafa conceived of a new reality show called “The Maestro and the Moron.” Under Rafa’s guidance, Fed and his new sidekick will participate in increasingly dangerous stunts like swimming with electric eels or juggling live hand grenades. Promised millions if the show is a hit, Tomic has agreed (and loves the title) as long as Rafa plays doubles with him again. Bernie even came up with a stunt in which Fed drives a tank and he faces off with it Tiananmen Square-style, thus poking fun at his moniker Tomic the Tank Engine. Rafa agreed to doubles in Shanghai (should Bernie survive the tank episode, of course). But now he has to spend time persuading Fed to take part, particularly before the U.S. Open.
29. He wanted to level the playing field for Anderson, and thus avoid tennis forum complaints about how worn out the serving giant would be in the final. He could have beaten Novak in three easy sets, but he wanted to go at least 28-26 in the fifth. Unfortunately, Novak found a way to cheat the crowd from this epic scoreline.
30. Organizers forgot to refill the cooler with water, so it affected Rafa’s ability to employ proper bottle alignment procedures.
31. Was making out with Richard Gasquet’s cocaine-using friend before the resumption of the match and accidentally got too amped up in the fourth set, winning it, but then he crashed in the fifth set.
32. Thought he spotted Margaret Court on one side of the royal box and Tom Daley on the other. Fearing that the racket-wielding homophobe might confront the gay diver and husband Dustin Lance Black about their new baby, Rafa felt a pang of empathy and promptly dropped serve, while Novak had none and broke him. It turned out it was neither of them in the box, but the tournament referee said it wouldn't have mattered either way. He and Novak are both homophobic.
33. Suffered PTSD flashbacks of Gilles Muller, Dustin Brown, Nick Kyrgios, Lukas Rosol and other bad people with unfair aggressive tactics, and suddenly Novak’s serve was much more unreturnable.
34. A gentleman’s agreement: Since Rafa had been kind enough to ascent to playing Wimbledon under a roof and let him win in the process, it is assumed that Novak will reciprocate in his petition to have the World Tour Finals played outside — and also make sure not to beat him if it comes down to it. But if he can beat Fed first, that would be appreciated.
35. Was waiting on Novak to retire from the match like he did last year and has at many past slams. When Novak continued to play unencumbered and without MTOs, it startled Rafa and threw off his rhythm. Unfair tactic!
36. Belated wedding gift to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, who are big Djokovic fans and often brunch with his family.
37. Would be greedy to win two slams in a row, must be humble and wait for the U.S. Open.
38. Felt bad about beating Anderson so easily last year and he wanted to give him Novak as a present (unfortunately, he spit on that gift!)
39. Delayed reaction headache from banging his head on the ceiling of the hallway — again (they really should have warnings) — while jumping up and down before coming on court.
40. Someone told him that McEnroe suggested on TV that Kevin Anderson face Angelique Kerber in the finals and Rafa play Serena to see if she could make a claim as greatest of all time. Nadal was trying to figure out how this would work — whether such a match would be three or five sets? How many bagels would he need to drop? Could they ban Eva Asderaki from the umpire's chair since she unfairly enforced the rules against both of them? — when he got distracted and lost serve. You gotta be kidding me!