Probably my last chance...

S

soggyramen

Professional
Alright I got quite a big problem here. I'm in love with my ex-girlfriend and I know for a fact that she's the one. We broke up because she was still in love with her ex (she *cough* lost it to him if you catch my drift and that's why she thought she was). She finally kicked him to the curb after several times of breaking up with him since he's half way across the country. when she was with him she changed and we fought a lot and we've started to talk again and hang out. right now she said that her and one of her ex's are talking about going back out but i acted like it didn't bother me. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee with me and see a movie afterwards. i reccomended an action movie but she said instead that she wanted to see a romance. i asked her why and she said it would be fitting. so it's obvious she wants to hangout with me again and not bothered by it. so anyone have any advice for me. i'm pretty much asking her to marry me.
 
Well if you're sure she's the one, then don't "act" like it doesn't bother you, in fact, don't act at all...swallow your pride and tell her that you're in love with her...
 
You are going to make a life decision based on comments from strangers on an internet tennis forum?
 
Fee said:
You are going to make a life decision based on comments from strangers on an internet tennis forum?
Click to expand...

i'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do i'm just wondering if it's the right thing to do. regardless i'm still going to do it.
 
atatu said:
Well if you're sure she's the one, then don't "act" like it doesn't bother you, in fact, don't act at all...swallow your pride and tell her that you're in love with her...
Click to expand...

I agree. Just tell her you love her and want to get back together or you will just wonder what if if you miss your opportunity. Also be forward with her instead of being sly about it as she should respect it more.
 
I would suggest stopping with the whole "The one" thing. Being "The One" is not an absolute state. Meaning, that while they may be "The One" now, it is impossible to know how a person is going to be years even decades later. Also, being "The One" is a mutually exclusive status. For only a single person to feel that way is meaningless in application. Both people need to feel the same for each other for this level of bond to occur. Having, establishing this sort of status in a person requires a certain level of upkeep of reestablishing, renewing. It's called growing together. What all that means is unless you two are on the same page you have nothing, nothing that is a foundation to build a future on. Now, you may wonder something and I will answer ; no I have never been in love. So how does this make my position authoritative? Because I have never been in love. I have never had my head "messed with," for lack of a better word, on that level. So I have clarity of thought on the matter.

I would not suggest professing your love to her. From the modicum of information I have, it would appear that she is a bit on the confused side. Professing a grand love that spans the breadth of your life is not going to clarify her mind. It will add confusion. Go to her, tell her that you romantically care for her and that you care for her as a friend. Explain that you see the possibility of a future together, an involved long term committed relationship. Be her friend first, but with it known that you romantically feel for her. That way you can build towards that relationship where you each are "The One" for the other.


Finally, I will give the greatest piece of advice I have ever known: "Don't screw up"

-SF
 
sounds like a drama queen. run away seriously. she lives to create drama if she gets back with an ex then breaks up only to do it again. girls like this are the cause of alot of pain. trust me move on and find a different girl.
 
SFrazeur said:
I would suggest stopping with the whole "The one" thing. Being "The One" is not an absolute state. Meaning, that while they may be "The One" now, it is impossible to know how a person is going to be years even decades later. Also, being "The One" is a mutually exclusive status. For only a single person to feel that way is meaningless in application. Both people need to feel the same for each other for this level of bond to occur. Having, establishing this sort of status in a person requires a certain level of upkeep of reestablishing, renewing. It's called growing together. What all that means is unless you two are on the same page you have nothing, nothing that is a foundation to build a future on. Now, you may wonder something and I will answer ; no I have never been in love. So how does this make my position authoritative? Because I have never been in love. I have never had my head "messed with," for lack of a better word, on that level. So I have clarity of thought on the matter.

I would not suggest professing your love to her. From the modicum of information I have, it would appear that she is a bit on the confused side. Professing a grand love that spans the breadth of your life is not going to clarify her mind. It will add confusion. Go to her, tell her that you romantically care for her and that you care for her as a friend. Explain that you see the possibility of a future together, an involved long term committed relationship. Be her friend first, but with it known that you romantically feel for her. That way you can build towards that relationship where you each are "The One" for the other.


Finally, I will give the greatest piece of advice I have ever known: "Don't screw up"

-SF
Click to expand...

If they are 24+ then I think SF is giving great advice. If you are under 24 I think maverick66 hit it.

But heck sometimes you need your "Dating Anti-christ" so you can tell teh good ones when they come.
 
richw76 said:
If they are 24+ then I think SF is giving great advice. If you are under 24 I think maverick66 hit it.

But heck sometimes you need your "Dating Anti-christ" so you can tell teh good ones when they come.
Click to expand...

Maverick66 you hit that? So how was it? Should soggyramen still go for it?
 
people have said that before about my situation and it's starting to makes sense i'm still going to do it though but if she isn't willing to tie herself down then i'm going to have to walk away.

we're both 20 btw
 
maverick66 said:
sounds like a drama queen. run away seriously. she lives to create drama if she gets back with an ex then breaks up only to do it again. girls like this are the cause of alot of pain. trust me move on and find a different girl.
Click to expand...

richw76 said:
If they are 24+ then I think SF is giving great advice. If you are under 24 I think maverick66 hit it.

But heck sometimes you need your "Dating Anti-christ" so you can tell teh good ones when they come.
Click to expand...

I actually foremost agree with maverick66, but as Soggy stated he was going to do it anyway, so I figure I would try and help him make the best of it.

TokyopunK said:
Wow SFrazeur is HITCH Baby!
Click to expand...

-SF, The Love Doctor.
 
This thread rocks my socks...

Wow.

soggyramen said:
my ex / her ex / her and one of her ex's
...
i'm pretty much asking her to marry me.
Click to expand...

So many ex's, and you're pretty much asking someone to marry you that you're not even with, and she's talking about getting back together with another ex? Oh my.

atatu said:
Well if you're sure she's the one, then don't "act" like it doesn't bother you, in fact, don't act at all...swallow your pride and tell her that you're in love with her...
Click to expand...

Good advice. I am a fan of clean honesty, not BS posturing. Too many regrets are caused from inaction, not from action.

Lakoste said:
Sounds like she has a thing for past boyfriends, I'd steer clear.
Click to expand...

Agreed.

Fee said:
You are going to make a life decision based on comments from strangers on an internet tennis forum?
Click to expand...

Nothing will ever beat the guy who had a rash / lump / equivalent and posted asking for advice. If I thought there was a 1% chance I had cancer, I'm not asking a 1000 14 year-old tennis players...

soggyramen said:
regardless i'm still going to do it.
Click to expand...

In that case, with due respect, you're wasting people's time. That's not meant to sound harsh, merely factual...

TokyopunK said:
Maverick66 you hit that? So how was it? Should soggyramen still go for it?
Click to expand...

Priceless humour. I like it :)
 
And a separate reply to SF...

SFrazeur said:
Now, you may wonder something and I will answer ; no I have never been in love. So how does this make my position authoritative? Because I have never been in love. I have never had my head "messed with," for lack of a better word, on that level. So I have clarity of thought on the matter.
Click to expand...

SF, I usually enjoy reading your posts. You think clearly, and take care to explain things with more than just a few words, you aim to make yourself understood.

This post, esp. the bit above, I find interesting. Why are you separating love as the one facet of life where experience is seen as a negative? If you re-write the above paragraph in regards to advice about tennis / cars / plumbing / etc, it would sound absurd (and it already does a little).

Professing a grand love that spans the breadth of your life is not going to clarify her mind. It will add confusion.
Click to expand...

Agreed on this front, but at least she will know how he feels. I doubt, as do you, that it will change their current state(s), but at least more would be open & clear.

Go to her, tell her that you romantically care for her and that you care for her as a friend. Explain that you see the possibility of a future together, an involved long term committed relationship. Be her friend first, but with it known that you romantically feel for her. That way you can build towards that relationship where you each are "The One" for the other.
Click to expand...

Way too fence-sit. By the time he says "I still like you", she'll either switch on, or off to the idea, mostly based on thoughts she already has. The above would meander too much, and also, does highlight a little (p'raps) of your inexperience: It ignores the situation where it's couple-or-nothing! Harsh? Yes... Harsh reality. Soggy may well not be up for the long-term friend thing, it can be a painful (and unproductive) road for someone who you're interested in.

Finally, I will give the greatest piece of advice I have ever known: "Don't screw up"
Click to expand...

That's the worst piece of advice I've ever heard. I hope you weren't seriously quoting it! A life lived with a predilection for AVOIDING screwing up will be so sheltered it'd be almost not worth living....
 
alright you guys have had your fun :) maybe i'm just a fool but i can't spead the rest of forever thinking about what if

i'll let you guys know what happens
 
soggyramen said:
people have said that before about my situation and it's starting to makes sense i'm still going to do it though but if she isn't willing to tie herself down then i'm going to have to walk away.

we're both 20 btw
Click to expand...

Lets change perspective a little. If I were 20.... I think I was a sophomore or junior in college, and some girl was telling me she thought I was the one, etc. I would have run for the hills.... or maybe start telling her I'm messing with an ex so she would back off a little...

At 20 I think you must consider all the "The ONE" stuff may be freaking her out and she's trying to tell you to chill out some. I could be wrong but I think you need to have an honest conversation about where you both see this going or else I see a train wreck in your future :-) Good Luck! No rules in love ;-)
 
Hmm..i dont know whether or not i'm fit to give advice here...so i wont and i hope it all goes well for you
Good Luck :-)
 
but...
one word of advice...DON'T appear to be too desperate! ( i.e. don't act like me with safin haha) TURNOFF
but its just way worse than a man does it

Good luck :-)
 
OrangeOne said:
And a separate reply to SF...



SF, I usually enjoy reading your posts. You think clearly, and take care to explain things with more than just a few words, you aim to make yourself understood.

This post, esp. the bit above, I find interesting. Why are you separating love as the one facet of life where experience is seen as a negative? If you re-write the above paragraph in regards to advice about tennis / cars / plumbing / etc, it would sound absurd (and it already does a little).
Click to expand...

It does seem to follow, the "I stayed at a Holiday Express last night logical." But Tennis/ cars / plumbing are concrete subject matters. Love is emotion, love is abstract. I believe that romantic Love is made of the basic set of emotions. Love is the sum of its parts, or emotions. While I may not have the direct experience with romantic Love, I do with the set of emotions it is constructed from. I also have experience with other constructs of those emotions, in particular empathy and passion, or if you will fervor. As I am fully capable of these emotions and the other constructs which share the same parts I am able to make inferences. Combined with knowledge of similar situations by other people and their outcomes, I am able to make what I believe are relatively educated inferences.


Tennis

In the end I cannot fully reason, reasoning based primarily on emotion.

Agreed on this front, but at least she will know how he feels. I doubt, as do you, that it will change their current state(s), but at least more would be open & clear.
Click to expand...
If he was to tell her that she is "The One" is expressing not only emotion but intent. For many it is not deep emotion that scares, it is the internet.


Way too fence-sit. By the time he says "I still like you", she'll either switch on, or off to the idea, mostly based on thoughts she already has. The above would meander too much, and also, does highlight a little (p'raps) of your inexperience: It ignores the situation where it's couple-or-nothing! Harsh? Yes... Harsh reality. Soggy may well not be up for the long-term friend thing, it can be a painful (and unproductive) road for someone who you're interested in.
Click to expand...
I would not take the things I wrote as literally the exact words, or structure that that he should use--which why I didn't use quotations--that is other than expressing the friend then boyfriend order. If he wishes this long term relationship, then that order has the best chance of achieving that. He needs to sure-up their friendship first, their foundation. But yes, your concerns are quite correct.


That's the worst piece of advice I've ever heard. I hope you weren't seriously quoting it! A life lived with a predilection for AVOIDING screwing up will be so sheltered it'd be almost not worth living....
Click to expand...

It is terrible advice, and it is suppose to elicit your type of response.

-SF
 
maneater said:
but...
one word of advice...DON'T appear to be too desperate! ( i.e. don't act like me with safin haha) TURNOFF
but its just way worse than a man does it

Good luck :-)
Click to expand...

I don't know about that!
Women who come on too strong are realllyy unattractive :]

Not like i'd know or anything aha.
 
I don't come on to anyone, ok ok i might over speak about a certain person over and over till i make his name sound like nails scratching on a blackboard, but i dont ever come on to guys...i let them come on to me..in small doses...
So yea dude, i play it cool, not ott, and i dunno but i kinda like goofy guys or in a total contrast moody guys...
Im a lil fked up lol
 
maneater said:
I don't come on to anyone, ok ok i might over speak about a certain person over and over till i make his name sound like nails scratching on a blackboard, but i dont ever come on to guys...i let them come on to me..in small doses...
So yea dude, i play it cool, not ott, and i dunno but i kinda like goofy guys or in a total contrast moody guys...
Im a lil fked up lol
Click to expand...

lol I didn't say you come on to anyone :]
Was just saying that coming on strong, whatever your gender is unattractive, if males do it it's bad, if females do it it's bad also.

Good luck with the whole goofy/moody guy thing :)
 
TokyopunK said:
Maverick66 you hit that? So how was it? Should soggyramen still go for it?
Click to expand...

it was alright. she started a big fight afterwards but called me up and lets get back together. so i did then she flipped out again and left me. ahh the drama queen why do us men fall for it everytime.
 
maverick66 said:
it was alright. she started a big fight afterwards but called me up and lets get back together. so i did then she flipped out again and left me. ahh the drama queen why do us men fall for it everytime.
Click to expand...

I know what your talkin' about man.

This girl named maneater actually ate me last night..... and now I am just regurgitated leftovers....... so sad.
 
TokyopunK said:
I know what your talkin' about man.

This girl named maneater actually ate me last night..... and now I am just regurgitated leftovers....... so sad.
Click to expand...

yeah i would avoid a girl named maneater. your just asking for trouble. she comes off all nice but as soon as you turn your back you get hurt. at least she only got you once and you can heal your wounds this other girl comes back for more.
 
SFrazeur said:
It does seem to follow, the "I stayed at a Holiday Express last night logical." But Tennis/ cars / plumbing are concrete subject matters. Love is emotion, love is abstract. I believe that romantic Love is made of the basic set of emotions. Love is the sum of its parts, or emotions. While I may not have the direct experience with romantic Love, I do with the set of emotions it is constructed from. I also have experience with other constructs of those emotions, in particular empathy and passion, or if you will fervor. As I am fully capable of these emotions and the other constructs which share the same parts I am able to make inferences. Combined with knowledge of similar situations by other people and their outcomes, I am able to make what I believe are relatively educated inferences.
Click to expand...

Perhaps my first analogies were off the mark.

To say that one can understand, feel, interpret (let alone advise) on matters of love without having felt it... based on a 'sum of the parts' argument (that sounded impressive, if not way too mathematical), is akin to trying to say that the Mona Lisa is simply paint + canvas + frame + someone-that-waves-a-brush-around-a-bit.

Look - obviously you can give some advice, and as you say, knowledge of others in similar situations is somewhat relevant - infinitely more relevant than, say, trying to assemble such emotions from similar guesses. That said, don't try and understand it too much, either now - or especially when you first experience it - it'll blow your mind if you let it! :)

(Tennis analogy: I've watched Wimbledon for years. It was never even my favourite tournament - I grew up a Lendl fan... - anyways, by the time I made it to Wimbledon, I'd been to the AO numerous times, to the French once, and we scored centre-court seats. No-one, I mean no-one, could have prepared me for that experience. It's the most amazing theatre in the world, or at least, that I've ever experience. Mind-blowing, and yet hard to explain, and certainly not akin to any similar experience I could assemble in a sum-of-the-parts fashion....).
 
soggyramen said:
Alright I got quite a big problem here. I'm in love with my ex-girlfriend and I know for a fact that she's the one. We broke up because she was still in love with her ex (she *cough* lost it to him if you catch my drift and that's why she thought she was). She finally kicked him to the curb after several times of breaking up with him since he's half way across the country. when she was with him she changed and we fought a lot and we've started to talk again and hang out. right now she said that her and one of her ex's are talking about going back out but i acted like it didn't bother me. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee with me and see a movie afterwards. i reccomended an action movie but she said instead that she wanted to see a romance. i asked her why and she said it would be fitting. so it's obvious she wants to hangout with me again and not bothered by it. so anyone have any advice for me. i'm pretty much asking her to marry me.
Click to expand...

None of this makes sense to me. What exactly was your relationship with her? You said when she was with him you fought a lot - was she seeing both of you at the same time or were you and her just friends? She said she's considering dating an ex and you are talking about proposing? Either I'm missing something really obvious here or there is something obviously missing. You ask a woman to marry you when you want to spend the rest of your life with her and she feels the same...I don't see that at all from the limited information you've offered. Sorry.


soggyramen said:
people have said that before about my situation and it's starting to makes sense i'm still going to do it though but if she isn't willing to tie herself down then i'm going to have to walk away.

we're both 20 btw
Click to expand...

Well that explains it all. Umm...I would suggest maybe dating and seeing if she can keep her attention focused on you for longer than a day before you pull the ol' ultimatum. What is your big hurry? Why do you think she would honestly want to "settle down" with you at her age? It's better to put the time in now to discover if you two really are a slice of heaven or if this is a disaster that needs to be let go of.
 
Last edited:
maverick66 said:
it was alright. she started a big fight afterwards but called me up and lets get back together. so i did then she flipped out again and left me. ahh the drama queen why do us men fall for it everytime.
Click to expand...

CanadianChic said:
None of this makes sense to me. What exactly was your relationship with her? You said when she was with him you fought a lot - was she seeing both of you at the same time or were you and her just friends? She said she's considering dating an ex and you are talking about proposing? Either I'm missing something really obvious here or there is something obviously missing. You ask a woman to marry you when you want to spend the rest of your life with her and she feels the same...I don't see that at all from the limited information you've offered. Sorry.




Well that explains it all. Umm...I would suggest maybe dating and seeing if she can keep her attention focused on you for longer than a day before you pull the ol' ultimatum. What is your big hurry? Why do you think she would honestly want to "settle down" with you at her age? It's better to put the time in now to discover if you two really are a slice of heaven or if this is a disaster that needs to be let go of.
Click to expand...

CC there's absolutely ZERO chance this thing ends well. It's going to be a complete crash and burn train wreck. The funny part is, if he could just back off and give her some space maybe date someone else, especially cuter than her he would have a good chance.

as it is I see a court order in their future :-) jk ;-)
 
I guess I have been in a similar situation. In October I realized I wanted to get back together with my ex who was in china for the year. My friend told me she still loved me and that she thought it was a good idea for us to get back together. Well she 'got over' me about 2 weeks before I asked to get back together and I was heartbroken by it. I tried very hard to get back together because i didn't believe she was over me and such. During that time I was upset a lot and it felt like nothing else in my life mattered at all which was a bad emotion. She just started seeing someone who she said she saw it lasting a while which made it all that much worse for me. I could tell by some of the things she told me that it wouldn't last long though and I was right and thy broke up. Since then we have grown closer and she likes me again but doesn't want to commit as she doesn't feel the same way she used to. We talk a lot on webcam and basically act like we are together again and there is a good possibility we will get back together when she gets back from china. I could tell for a long time that she liked me and she was scared by it and it took a long time for her to come to terms with it. During the time I was messed up some of my friends advised me to stop contact with her completely. While it helped to have people to talk to it turns out there advice wasn't the best for me. I had to figure things out myself and do it on my own.

I guess this is relevant as it says that only you can figure it out. Do what you think is best. For a month or so it felt to me like she was the one and that no one else out there I could ever be happy with. Now however I still feel I love her but am less blinded by it and feel more open to other girls. I have to agree with SFrazeur when he says that it is good to find friendship first and to let her know your feelings. Don't make her feel pressured by telling her you want to marry her. She also sounds like a girl that would get scared and possibly run away if you tell her to marry you. Don't look to far ahead. From the sounds of it she doesn't feel the same way about you and try not to make her jump to your level. You have to try to bring yourself down to a place where she is comfortable with. Patience is key. These are all things I had to learn with my situation.

By the way I am 23.
 
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I would avoid it, until she can stand on her own 2 feet. Right now she is 'keeping her options open' by talking with ex's. Sounds like she might be too afraid to be on her own. And she must not want romance from you, as she is telling you that she is still talking to these guys. If she does want romance, she must not give a crap about how you feel by telling you she's still talking to these guys. She just doesn't sound too sure of herself.

Take it from one who learned the hard way. I dated a girl just like this, and found out after 3 years of dating that she had been cheating on me. Let's just say that 'Bartender, keep them coming' was a favorite phrase for a couple of weeks.

Just be careful.

Either way, I do wish you the best of luck. If she is the right girl for you, I hope you two end up together and stay happy.

Me personally, I tend to steer clear of any drama whatsoever. Life is hard enough, and your significant other should make you happy and add balance to your life.
 
The ultimate advice on how to bring your ex back to you

richw76 said:
The funny part is, if he could just back off and give her some space maybe date someone else, especially cuter than her he would have a good chance.
Click to expand...

The statement above by RichW76 is one of the only proven formulas in the history of dating and relationships. To have a fair chance of bringing your ex back to you, you should try to act like you are totally forgetting about her for at least a few weeks. Better: a few months. Best: a few years of absence. In the meantime, throw yourself into dating others. That's how you win her back over the long term.

But not many of us guys have the extreme self-discipline and willpower to follow through. Because for most people, the actual feelings of “forever” don't seem to last longer than the expiration date on a bottle of milk.
 
soggyramen said:
people have said that before about my situation and it's starting to makes sense i'm still going to do it though but if she isn't willing to tie herself down then i'm going to have to walk away.

we're both 20 btw
Click to expand...
You should realize that, all else being equal, if you were 30 and not 20, you would be considered certifiably insane based on your plans.

This is not saying that the young woman is bad - I don't know either one of you. But I do know that you're both very young.

No-one on this message board can stop you from attempting to marry this young woman.
But hopefully someone close to you can.
 
TokyopunK said:
I know what your talkin' about man.

This girl named maneater actually ate me last night..... and now I am just regurgitated leftovers....... so sad.
Click to expand...

lol poor guy is going through a crisis and this pops up... absolutely fantastic...

btw OP dont get married at 20... i saw this house episode where it happened and the couple both got angioedema... it cant end well :)
 
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