Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Roger Federer may have a baby daughter, but that's not enough for him, he wants more. "In tennis you're on the road and training non-stop, so I'm lucky to get "lucky" more than 6 to 8 times per year," says Roger, "But I'm hoping when we get past the diaper stage to increase that by at least 10% or more."

"Actually the Australian Open isn't the greatest atmosphere, my wife prefers the French Open and I really get hot when we stay in my Yonkers, New York, condo," continued Roger, "However, I really can't compete with Maria Sharapova, I've heard she gets it at least 15 times per year."

When asked if he was talking about sex Roger looked mortified, "SEX! I thought you were talking about gin rummy. Hell no, who do you think I am Tiger Woods?"
 
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10 funniest craigslist ads

my fav: :)
"We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a sh*t load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink."
 
Leelord337 said:
10 funniest craigslist ads

my fav: :)
"We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a sh*t load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink."
Click to expand...
I :lol: at this one ...

I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuits a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I'm moving to a smaller place and won't really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Pric*ly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Re-homing fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.
 
To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentaly challenged.

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8.When she asks “do these pants make me look fat”, say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don’t feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks This was not writen by anyone named Jack S.
 
"I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money. I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home. My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it. I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better."
 
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong..

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

10. Flashlight: A metal tube that used to store dead batteries.

11. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

12. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


13. When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.







​
 
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ONE WISH



A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said,
'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.

We want to know how they feel inside?
What they are thinking when they give us the silent
treatment?
Why they cry?
What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'?
Why they snap and complain when we try to help?
and how we can make a woman truly happy?'

The Lord replied,


'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
​
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NOW FOR THE FUNNIES!​
The Aliens​
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” ​
The gas pump of course didn’t respond. ​
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. ​
The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.” ​
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. ​
Again there was no response. ​
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greeting, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire.” ​
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.” ​
“Rubbish,” replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. ​
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. ​
“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?” ​
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his "organ" over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear. ​

​
 
Brokeback Spiders

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.

As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.

As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.

"Those spiders are mating, honey."

"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.

"A daddy long legs."

"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.

The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."

The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.

Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback-mountain-gay **** going on in the garden!"
 
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
Who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.


2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.



3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
And who doesn't lie to you..

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
And who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do
Not know each other

Signed

Tiger Woods
 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly –Statement of the Century


'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'
 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/18/vancouver-olympics-stocke_n_467870.html

In 2008, former table tennis player Matthew Syed called the Olympics as a "sex fest" and described his experience at the Summer Games:
There were the gorgeous hostesses - there to assist the athletes - in their bright yellow shirts and black skirts; there were the indigenous lovelies who came to watch the competitions. And then there were the female athletes - literally thousands of them - strutting, shimmying, sashaying and jogging around the village, clad in Lycra and exposing yard upon yard of shiny, toned, rippling and unimaginably exotic flesh. Women from all the countries of the world: muscular, virile, athletic and oozing oestrogen. I spent so much time in a state of lust that I could have passed out.​
 
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10
> > years old, but they know they are in love.
> >
> > One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
> > Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
> >
> > Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
> > love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
> >
> > Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
> > Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
> >
> > Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In
> > Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
> >
> > Still
> > thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay,
> > then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
> > support Jenny."
> >
> > Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a
> > week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that
> > should do us just fine."
> >
> > Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this..
> >
> > "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have
> > one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little
> > children of your own?"
> >
> > Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
> >
> > Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
> >
 
"An Idea for Dog Owners"

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no clue who his Daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday. What a great country this is.
 
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I was looking for a lolcats language guide, so i can start posting in lolcats. I has found nothing yet. If anyone has a link, can i has it plz.
 
Did you hear they're taking Lindsey Vonn's Downhill Gold away?
.
.
.
.
... They are giving it to Obama. He's going downhill faster than ANYBODY!

- KK
 
Today i actually wrote "awefun" for often (we here don't pronounce the "t" like some do, btw). And i just did not feel like correcting it.

I've been doing this kind of thing a lot lately -- don;t know whats happening to my brain. Perhaps, a course in lolspeak will help me feel normal.
 
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