Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

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Two boys, Jimmy and Danny, are meeting each other on the playground during the first day of kindergarten. Jimmy asks Danny, "What does your daddy do for a job?" Danny replies,
"My daddy's an accountant. What does your daddy do?"
Jimmy says, "Oh, my daddy's a lawyer!"
Not knowing many people with lawyer parents, Danny asks, "Honest?"
Jimmy says, "Nope, just the regular kind."
 
A naked and drunken woman boards taxi in London one night.
The Gujju (Indian from Gujarat) driver keeps staring, and does not start the taxi.
Woman: “Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?”

Driver: “I’m not staring at you lady…......................
Just wondering where have you kept money to pay me.”
 
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?



I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.



I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!'


I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?



I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
 
Two guys were in the waiting room in a psychiatric hospital. One guy asks the other why he's there.

He responds, "When I told my doctor I was Napoleon he sent me here."

"How do you know you're Napoleon," he asks.

"God told me I was," he replies.

Then a voice across the room shouts, "I didn't tell you that!"
 
Drunk Irishman
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
 
So a young Canandian man is interviewing for a job in the U.S. The hiring manager asks him why he would want to move out of Canada and come to the U.S.

The Canadian man replies "Well, sir, the women in Canada are either w***es or hockey players."

The hiring manager responds "My wife is from Canada. She moved here 10 years ago."

The young man repsonds "Really....what position did she play?"
 
India and Bangladesh have argued for almost 30 years over control of a tiny island in the Bay of Bengal. Now rising sea levels have ended the argument for them: the island's gone. From the article: 'New Moore Island, in the Sunderbans, has been completely submerged, said oceanographer Sugata Hazra, a professor at Jadavpur University in Calcutta. Its disappearance has been confirmed by satellite imagery and sea patrols, he said. "What these two countries could not achieve from years of talking, has been resolved by global warming," said Hazra.'"

I say this year we nominate Global Warming for the Nobel Peace Prize for providing a peaceful solution to this heated dispute between Bangladesh and India.
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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

----------

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.
 
Sentinel said:
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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Love Stephen Wright's jokes.

"I used spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him."

"I worked at a fire hydrant factory for a while - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."
 
 Chinese Wisdom
 In the spirit of Chinese New Year, I feel I should share
 some words of wisdom from a great Chinese sage.

 Confucius says:
 "A lion will not betray his wife. But a Tiger wood."
 
tennisnut16 said:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hard working American.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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I thank the person who wrote this....and also the person who copied and pasted it on this site!:)
 
Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
- Howard Aiken


The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
- Willie Tyler
 
ryangoring said:
 Chinese Wisdom
 In the spirit of Chinese New Year, I feel I should share
 some words of wisdom from a great Chinese sage.

 Confucius says:
 "A lion will not betray his wife. But a Tiger wood."
Click to expand...

No, Confucius didn't say that. You said it ^_^.
 
Why do people point to their wrists when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 
I bought a bunch of land in upstate New York, and I built a bunch of cabins and bunks and things on it. Figured, I'm going to start a summer program for kids with ADD. I don't know, no one showed up. I don't know what I did wrong. I was calling it: Concentration Camp.
 
Dedans Penthouse said:
Stylish exit Fee (nice swirling skirt descrip.-wink). Ok, I'll dial it down a notch....well, kinda..

*calling down from the ceiling fan*
May I please have a Bombay Sapphire with Quinine and for the "Equine" who's lemur friend is starting to feel 'his oats' (or are they hers?).....



"Hey jerk up there on the ceiling fan, I heard that!..take it back!....NOW!
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*peering down from ceiling fan*
"Geez, take it easy...hey, a lot of us all pretty much look the same when ya get down to it....OK, OK, enough with the 'HORSE' jokes...I'm sorry...forgive me?....pretty please?....."
TomPetty4.jpg





"WELL......AWRIGHT, I GUESS....."
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*order restored.....the conversations resume....on the Bistro couch with the lemur and the filly-in-question....or is it equestrian? .....in the pool room out back....on the ceiling fan....*


Elena_Dementieva_2007_Australian_Open_womens_doubles_R1.jpg




*s-l-ooo-ly twirling on fan*
"Holy 'Gummy' Bears Kumquat!....you don't see that many choppers at "Motorcycle Week" in Laconia, NH!..." Ilovecarlos: "why?....WHY must you persist in going there?....discretion, my beloved.....discretion...."
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this just deserves to be here :^) well done
 
he Best Smart Answers Of 2010 !!!

SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.


SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right
in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.. Cars are backed
up for miles. Finally a police carcomes up..
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eye sight's damn near perfect.

p.s: The funeral was the very next day
 
A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.



"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."
 
Following Sentinel's (wondering if that one will be removed :))

BEST SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
 
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.

- Stephen Hawking
 
How 'bout some Tiger Woods jokes:

The Pope and Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”. The next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.

“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven.”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”

Tiger: “You’re a day late.”
 
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these b*tch*s would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
 
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