Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

This is a true story.


A college housemate came back from Spring Break in Florida. He told me he had been walking on the beach with a hot dog he'd just bought, when a seagull sailed past, nailed the dog and carried it off, leaving my friend with an empty bun.


"You know what that was?" I said?


"No, what?"


"A tern for the wurst."
 
My cousin, her friend and I were sitting in the theater waiting for a movie to start. They start talking about a gay friend they have at work and how he was getting an STD check sometime soon. Her friend said "Can you imagine getting AIDS from anal sex?"
I Replied " Yeah, it'd be a real bummer."
 
After a night at the bar, a friend of mine and I were at a greasy-spoon restaurant with my sober girlfriend. He and I were making up all sorts of dumb puns about time, space, and continuums and just cracking up laughing.


Finally, she says, "What the hell are you guys ON?"


I said, before I totally lost it, "We took a TIME CAPSULE!!!"
You probably had to be there.
 
'Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."
 
A scientist in Florida was perfecting an anti-aging formula. He found that when he gave his porpoises a serum made from the gizzards of a certain type of baby seagull found only in Maine they showed no sign of aging--they would apparently live forever.

He was arrested, of course. After all, he was transporting young gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

Happy Birthday, Sentinel!
 
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him, he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really, what'd he say?"

He said: "Who trashed your hair?"
 
CaptainInsano said:
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these b*tch*s would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
Click to expand...

very good ... I'm impressed ... you're on a roll!
 
thealienscame.jpg

courtesy tennisandmusic
 
Tennis isn’t like football, you never know how many games you’re going to have to play
sureshs said:
Introduction to Philosophy, Prof. R. Nadal, University el Spanisho el Tenniso, 803 pages.
With a foreword by Dr. F. Lopez

This college textbook is intended for a one-year freshman level course for Humanities majors. Dr. Nadal draws on several philosophical traditions to provide insights on mundane matters of life and sport. He combines his two great passions, tennis and soccer, to make an uplifting comparison between sports and their meaning in life.
Click to expand...
Context:
http://tt.tennis-warehouse.com/showthread.php?t=324281&page=2
 
when it's my time to go, i hope that i die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did and not screaming like the people in his car. :twisted:
 
A  man
doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at  the door and
was greeted by a young woman with three small  children running around at
her feet. "I'm doing some research  for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the  product?"



She said, "Yes. My  husband and I use it all the time."  

       "If  you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do
you use it for?"       "We  use it for sex," she
said.



The researcher was  a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me
and say they  use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
 hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for  sex. I
admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank  so far, can you
tell me exactly HOW you use it for  sex?"



The woman said, "I  don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the  doorknob and it keeps the kids out."        
 
My first language is Japanese and I know my English is not good, so this post is very nice to me, and any other people who has fear to use English. Thank you very much to write such a good article.

In addition, IMHO, non-native English users like me always need feedback means someone understand what his/her want to say. I want to say all of people "Please say something if you find non-native English post."

Anyway, can I translate your post in Japanese and put a public site? Or someone already do that? If it is free to me, I'll do that (I can't promise when I will finish 'cause of my English ;).
 
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I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
- Frank Zappa


Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.
- Katharine Hepburn


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Noel Coward


Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
- Albert Camus
 
Dog  For Sale    
 Free  to good home. Excellent guard dog.  Owner  cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more  drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the  neighborhood for him to eat.   Most  of them knew Jethro only by his   Oriental  street name, Ho Lee Schitt. 
 
TheDLink said:
Chuck Norris is so fast he could run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
Click to expand...

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman by pointing at her with his finger and saying "Booya"

Chuck Norris was about to send an email when he realized it'd be faster to run.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris...The End.
 
Wanna know why Hitler killed himself. He found out Chuck Norris was Jewish, and very, very, pissed.
 
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee is good for your sex life.

Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?

Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!
 
Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
 
My favorite on that show was Jerry Orbach. I loved him. Yeah -- he was the best because he always had a funny little one-liner when they found the dead body. They found a teacher lying dead in an alley, and Orbach would be like, 'Huh, looks like school's out.' I always wanted to see an episode where he couldn't think of a clever one -- where they find a guy dead with a Mars Bar in his hand, and Orbach's like, 'Huh, looks like, uh, he won't be going to Mars anytime soon. Get it -- Mars Bar? Ah, screw you guys. Nine times out of 10, they're funny.'
 
I was in a very bad car accident in Mexico. They took me to the emergency room and the surgeon said I would have to have a metal plate put in my head. I was a bit worried about having surgery in Mexico, so I asked the doctor to give me some details. The doctor brought the plate over to show me, and before he handed it to me he said, "Be careful, this plate is very hot". - Ron White
 
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
- Queen Juliana

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

- Robert Orben

'So you think *I'm* the murderer? What do I have to do to convince you that I'm not, be the next victim?'

'Well, that would be a start.'
- Peter Stone
 
i think this one will pass :P
--------------------------------------------------------------
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 
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