Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..

Self-Evaluation!

The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:

Which is your favourite Teletubbie...

A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red

(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
















Profile for women...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.



Profile for men...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
 
good one JR !

I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.
- Tom Hanks


I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.
- Shelley Winters
 
A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
mail
"I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



(You'll love this)









God replied: "I didn't recognize you." Motive of the story: God loves you the way you are.
 
Sentinel said:
Oh no! Are you new here ? This is an old joke -- anyway, doesn;t look very funny anyway. Lemme change it.
Click to expand...

yeh, am new to tennis and the site, so i tend to hang around the tips forum to learn what i can. Occasionally i visit other forums to troll and derail where ever possible.
 
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
 
-I once killed someone in another state without leaving my house
-I once killed somone and then 4 minutes later killed them again
-I once was killed but then I magically got revived but then got killed a mere 10 seconds later
-I once killed a family member without hesitating
-I once knifed someone from behind and then laughed about it
-I once blew someone up with a grenade and enjoyed it
-I did all of this in less than an hour while sitting down, but then the unthinkable happened.........

























........the power went out
 
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An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?' !

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of
her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
 
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.
​
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------ ---- ------------ --------- --------- ---

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************ ********* ********* ********* *

Local High SchoolDropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
************ ********* ********* ********* ****

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
 
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside >>>>> restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
>>>>> restaurant, and resumed their trip.
>>>>>
>>>>> When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
>>>>>> left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until
>>>>>> they had been driving for about forty minutes.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
>>>>>> distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order
>>>>>> to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy
>>>>>> old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife
>>>>>> relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided
>>>>>> her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a
>>>>>> single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the
>>>>>> restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside
>>>>>> to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her...
>>>>>
>>>>> While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit
>>>>> card.
>>>>>
>>>>> This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can
>>>>> do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one
>>>>> unstable Senior to show you care.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> I have now done MY part.
 
SuperFly said:
My bad, all NSFW jokes will be linked from now on. Sorry :oops:
Click to expand...
sorry to be such a prude :-) but we are not allowed to link to material that has offensive words either. I once gave a link to a youtube movie with a lot of bad lingo and got a warning for that. But don't let this deter you from posting a clean joke.

Also please note that our dear mods are not the biggest fans of dear Lil Johnny, even at his best behavior :-D
 
Sentinel said:
sorry to be such a prude :-) but we are not allowed to link to material that has offensive words either. I once gave a link to a youtube movie with a lot of bad lingo and got a warning for that. But don't let this deter you from posting a clean joke.

Also please note that our dear mods are not the biggest fans of dear Lil Johnny, even at his best behavior :-D
Click to expand...

So, you want me to post boring jokes? :)
 
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74111080.jpg


This man said......"I tried to get rid of all the marijuana before the DEA came, but this tuff shed wouldn't burn down. Damn you tuff shed"

This big drug dealer may of went down but his tuff shed didn't.
 
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A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"
 
Sentinel said:
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?' !

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of
her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
Click to expand...

LOL that was funny
 
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
 
Have you noticed how the palm of most people is never the same color tone as their skin. why? because God made them stand towards a wall with their palms on the wall and then spray-painted them.
 
darth vader robs bank, .. . w/ photos

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get finishing funds for his latest Death Star, Darth Vader—or a man pretending to be Darth Vader?—was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning. Impotent Rebel Alliance security forces tell Newsday (paywall) that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a completely unnecessary handgun—as he had the power to choke the oxygen out every teller's throat—the fallen Jedi demanded cash.

http://gothamist.com/2010/07/22/darth_vader_robs_bank_photos_oh_yes.php#more
 
What I don't understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. 'Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.'
 
I'm sure your grocery store would be very glad to hear from you, you'd probably make someone's day, shed some light into their tawdry existence.
 
A priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the priest says "Despite our religious differences, I still respect you and your beliefs", the rabbi agrees, and they enjoy their drinks.

I love anti-jokes.
 
Sentinel said:
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
Click to expand...

Wow that'd be so funny to see, but would be SO illegal!

shazbot said:
be24195e-2ba9-469e-b874-4391f87293c1.jpg
Click to expand...

What the heck...
 
Presence of Mind

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager noticed my Dad staring at her.

When she had had enough, she sarcastically asked: What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid.

Got drunk once and slept with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
 
"keep your friends close but your enemies closer.....because if your enemies mess with you, your friends will help you beat the snot out of them"
 
CRAZY BUT NOT STUPID

One truck driver was doing his usual load delivery at a mental hospital, by parking his vehicle beside an open drain. He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to return from the mental hospital. He jacked up the truck and removed the flat tyre to fix the spare tyre. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the four bolts in the open drain.

As he cannot fish the bolts in the open drain, he started to panic as to what should be done? Just then, one patient happened to walk past him and asked the driver as to why he was looking troubled. The driver thought to himself, since there is nothing much he can do or this mental joker can. Just to keep the bugging away, the truck driver informed the whole episode to the mental patient and gave a helpless look.

The patient just laughed at the truck driver and said, "You just cannot even fix such a simple problem? No wonder you are destined to remain a truck driver for life."
The truck driver was astonished to hear such a compliment from a mental guy.
"Here is what you can do", said the mental guy, "Take one bolt from each of the remaining three tyre's/wheels and fix it on to this tyre. Then drive down to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Isn't it simple my friend?"

The truck driver was so impressed with this quick fix answer and asked the patient, "How come you are so smart and intelligent and you are here at the mental hospital?"
The patient replied, "Hello my friend! I stay here because I am crazy but not stupid."
No wonder, there are some people, who behave like the truck driver, thinking that others are just stupid. So, guys, though you all are learned and wise, just watch out, there could be some crazy guys in our professional / personal lives, who could give us lot of quick fixes and brush our wisdom.

Just do not conclude that you know everything and do not judge people by mere looks/attire stature or academic background.
 
First day at the gym

I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'
 
Hope this ain't offensive ...

When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'
 
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