stringertom
Bionic Poster
Britain has been in a drought all this year because old Queen Lizzie had thoughts about ending her reign. God thought it was a good idea. Bonnie Charlie agreed.
Random thread of good jokes, aggie jokes, yo mama jokes, or what have you..
- Thread starter Leelord337
- Start date
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
Dedicated to cRusty Tickletoad.
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
Good one.For those who only take showers periodically
Some of the final ones are wrong, or have changed since then. After Bohrium 3 are wrong. Then there are a few missing, so it's a bit outdated.
IT's also missing Surium and AYCEium.
jaggy
Talk Tennis Guru
He ate those
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
SystemicAnomaly
Bionic Poster
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Unless they make them metric.
Unfortunately, that probably won't happen, at least not in my lifetime.
SystemicAnomaly
Bionic Poster
Am amused that this PSA come out in the late 1970s. I recall that, back in the early/mid 1960s, we were told in school that the US would adopt the metric system in “the near future”.
Perhaps the Space Race (to the Moon) with the USSR was supposed to spark this effort. We all learned the metric system in science classes but there was insufficient measures/effort to get the general populace to learn & embrace it.
I sometimes use metric units in writing or conversation. But some ppl look at me like I’m speaking Navaho or Klingon. Even if I were to fully embrace metric, I would still prefer Fahrenheit to Celsius (or Centigrade). Better granularity w/o resorting to the decimal point. While I often use centimeters and meters, it is still very useful to use inches and feet as intermediate measures.
Last edited:
donquijote
G.O.A.T.
LOL this is my mood right now entering Tuesday.
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Irrefutable
New User
Where is the bottom at the top?
your leg
your leg
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
"Without humour, we'd be dead."
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
15 Of The Funniest Indian Police Fails Ever...They're Seriously Funny. LOL!
4 Being a police, you have a lot of responsibilities towards the citizens. You have to be smart, active, fit and disciplined while in service. You are respected because you serve for people, you maintain law and discipline and keep everyone safe. But unfortunately, not every police officer is...
www.dailymoss.com
Sad that this thread has almost died out.
Whatever happened to the OP. Not seen for a long time.
donquijote
G.O.A.T.
A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walks into a bar. Then he drinks a beer.
Third Serve
Talk Tennis Guru
I found this epic (and a tad dirty) joke on Reddit. The credit is not mine.
"Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..."
"Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps..."
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
Then you should have said:
A priest, a rapist, a pedophile and an alcoholic walks into a bar.
donquijote
G.O.A.T.
That son of a *** could be a workaholic too.Then you should have said:
A priest, a rapist, a pedophile and an alcoholic walks into a bar.
My dad was a workaholic actually. Whenever we went to work, he would come back home drunk.
Sentinel
Bionic Poster
One Life, Many Masters
One of the great Sufi Masters, Junnaid, was dying. His chief disciple came close to him and asked softly, ″Master, you are leaving us. One question has always been in our minds. Who was your Master? This has been a great curiosity among all your disciples because we have never heard you talk about your Master. But we could never gather the courage to ask you."
Junnaid opened his eyes and said, ″It will be very difficult for me to answer because I have learned from almost everybody. The whole existence has been my Master. I have learned from every event that has happened in my life. And I am grateful to all that has happened, because out of all that learning I have arrived.″
Junnaid said, ″Just to satisfy your curiosity I will give you three instances...
One:
I was very thirsty and I was going towards the river carrying my begging bowl, the only possession I had. When I reached the river a dog rushed, jumped into the river, started drinking.
I watched the dog for a moment and threw away my begging bowl. Because I saw it is useless. A dog could do without it. I also jumped into the river, drank as much water as I wanted. My whole body was cool because I had jumped into the river. I sat in the river for a few moments, thanked the dog, touched his feet with deep reverence because he had taught me a lesson.
I had dropped everything, all possessions, but there was a certain clinging to my begging bowl. It was a beautiful bowl, very beautifully carved, and I was always aware that somebody might steal it. Even in the night I used to put it under my head as a pillow so nobody could snatch it away. That was my last clinging. The dog helped. It was so clear: if a dog can manage without a begging bowl... I am a man, why can′t I manage? That dog was one of my Masters.
Two:
I lost my way in a forest and by the time I reached the nearest village that I could find, it was midnight. Everybody was fast asleep. I wandered all over the town to see if I could find somebody awake to give me shelter for the night, until finally I found one man. I asked him, ′It seems only two persons are awake in the town, you and I. Can you give me shelter for the night?′
The man said, ′I can see from your gown that you are a Sufi monk....′″
The word Sufi comes from suf; suf means wool, a woolen garment. The Sufis have used the woolen garment for centuries; hence they are called Sufis because of their garment.
The man said, ″I can see you are a Sufi and I feel a little embarrassed to take you to my home. I am perfectly willing, but I must tell you who I am. I am a thief. Would you like to be a guest of a thief?″
For a moment Junnaid hesitated. The thief said, ″Look, it is better I told you. You seem hesitant. The thief is willing but the mystic seems to be hesitant to enter into the house of a thief, as if the mystic is weaker than the thief. In fact, I should be afraid of you--you may change me, you may transform my whole life! Inviting you means danger, but I am not afraid. You are welcome. Come to my home. Eat, drink, go to sleep, and stay as long as you want, because I live alone and my earning is enough. I can manage for two persons. And it will be really beautiful to chit-chat with you of great things. But you seem to be hesitant.″
Junnaid became aware that it was true. He asked to be forgiven. He touched the feet of the thief and he said, ″Yes, my rootedness in my own being is yet very weak. You are really a strong man and I would like to come to your home. And I would like to stay a little longer, not only for this night. I want to be stronger myself!″
The thief said, ″Come on!″ He fed the Sufi, gave him something to drink, helped him to prepare for sleep and he said, ″Now I will go. I have to do my own thing. I will come back early in the morning.″ Early in the morning the thief came back. Junnaid asked, ″Have you been successful?″
The thief said, ″No, not today, but I will see tomorrow.″
And this happened continuously, for thirty days: every night the thief went out, and every morning he came back empty-handed. But he was never sad, never frustrated--no sign of failure on his face, always happy --and he would say, ″It doesn′t matter. I tried my best. I could not find anything today again, but tomorrow I will try. And, God willing, it can happen tomorrow if it has not happened today.″
After one month Junnaid left, and for years he tried to realize the ultimate, and it was always a failure. But each time he decided to drop the whole project he remembered the thief, his smiling face and his saying ″God willing, what has not happened today may happen tomorrow.″
Junnaid said, ″I remembered the thief as one of my greatest Masters. Without him I would not be what I am.
Three:
I entered a small village. A little boy was carrying a lit candle, obviously going to the small temple of the town to put the candle there for the night.″
And Junnaid asked, ″Can you tell me from where the light comes? You have lighted the candle yourself so you must have seen. What is the source of light?″
The boy laughed and he said, ″Wait!″ And he blew out the candle in front of Junnaid. And he said, ″You have seen the light go. Can you tell me where it has gone? If you can tell me where it has gone I will tell you from where it has come, because it has gone to the same place. It has returned to the source.″
Junnaid said, ″I had met great philosophers but nobody had made such a beautiful statement: ′It has gone to its very source.′ Everything returns to its source finally. Moreover, the child made me aware of my own ignorance. I was trying to joke with the child, but the joke was on me. He showed me that asking foolish questions--′From where has the light come?′--is not intelligent. It comes from nowhere, from nothingness--and it goes back to nowhere, to nothingness.″
Junnaid said, ″I touched the feet of the child. The child was puzzled. He said, ′Why you are touching my feet?′ And I told him, ′You are my Master--you have shown me something. You have given me a great lesson, a great insight.′
″Since that time,″ Junnaid said, ″I have been meditating on nothingness and slowly, slowly I have entered into nothingness. And now the final moment has come when the candle will go out, the light will go out. And I know where I am going--to the same source.
I remember that child with gratefulness. I can still see him standing before me now, blowing out the candle.
No situation is without a lesson, no situation at all. All situations are pregnant with meaning and intelligence. But we have to discover them. They may not always be on the surface.
When we see life itself as our master, these lessons become more accessible.
One of the great Sufi Masters, Junnaid, was dying. His chief disciple came close to him and asked softly, ″Master, you are leaving us. One question has always been in our minds. Who was your Master? This has been a great curiosity among all your disciples because we have never heard you talk about your Master. But we could never gather the courage to ask you."
Junnaid opened his eyes and said, ″It will be very difficult for me to answer because I have learned from almost everybody. The whole existence has been my Master. I have learned from every event that has happened in my life. And I am grateful to all that has happened, because out of all that learning I have arrived.″
Junnaid said, ″Just to satisfy your curiosity I will give you three instances...
One:
I was very thirsty and I was going towards the river carrying my begging bowl, the only possession I had. When I reached the river a dog rushed, jumped into the river, started drinking.
I watched the dog for a moment and threw away my begging bowl. Because I saw it is useless. A dog could do without it. I also jumped into the river, drank as much water as I wanted. My whole body was cool because I had jumped into the river. I sat in the river for a few moments, thanked the dog, touched his feet with deep reverence because he had taught me a lesson.
I had dropped everything, all possessions, but there was a certain clinging to my begging bowl. It was a beautiful bowl, very beautifully carved, and I was always aware that somebody might steal it. Even in the night I used to put it under my head as a pillow so nobody could snatch it away. That was my last clinging. The dog helped. It was so clear: if a dog can manage without a begging bowl... I am a man, why can′t I manage? That dog was one of my Masters.
Two:
I lost my way in a forest and by the time I reached the nearest village that I could find, it was midnight. Everybody was fast asleep. I wandered all over the town to see if I could find somebody awake to give me shelter for the night, until finally I found one man. I asked him, ′It seems only two persons are awake in the town, you and I. Can you give me shelter for the night?′
The man said, ′I can see from your gown that you are a Sufi monk....′″
The word Sufi comes from suf; suf means wool, a woolen garment. The Sufis have used the woolen garment for centuries; hence they are called Sufis because of their garment.
The man said, ″I can see you are a Sufi and I feel a little embarrassed to take you to my home. I am perfectly willing, but I must tell you who I am. I am a thief. Would you like to be a guest of a thief?″
For a moment Junnaid hesitated. The thief said, ″Look, it is better I told you. You seem hesitant. The thief is willing but the mystic seems to be hesitant to enter into the house of a thief, as if the mystic is weaker than the thief. In fact, I should be afraid of you--you may change me, you may transform my whole life! Inviting you means danger, but I am not afraid. You are welcome. Come to my home. Eat, drink, go to sleep, and stay as long as you want, because I live alone and my earning is enough. I can manage for two persons. And it will be really beautiful to chit-chat with you of great things. But you seem to be hesitant.″
Junnaid became aware that it was true. He asked to be forgiven. He touched the feet of the thief and he said, ″Yes, my rootedness in my own being is yet very weak. You are really a strong man and I would like to come to your home. And I would like to stay a little longer, not only for this night. I want to be stronger myself!″
The thief said, ″Come on!″ He fed the Sufi, gave him something to drink, helped him to prepare for sleep and he said, ″Now I will go. I have to do my own thing. I will come back early in the morning.″ Early in the morning the thief came back. Junnaid asked, ″Have you been successful?″
The thief said, ″No, not today, but I will see tomorrow.″
And this happened continuously, for thirty days: every night the thief went out, and every morning he came back empty-handed. But he was never sad, never frustrated--no sign of failure on his face, always happy --and he would say, ″It doesn′t matter. I tried my best. I could not find anything today again, but tomorrow I will try. And, God willing, it can happen tomorrow if it has not happened today.″
After one month Junnaid left, and for years he tried to realize the ultimate, and it was always a failure. But each time he decided to drop the whole project he remembered the thief, his smiling face and his saying ″God willing, what has not happened today may happen tomorrow.″
Junnaid said, ″I remembered the thief as one of my greatest Masters. Without him I would not be what I am.
Three:
I entered a small village. A little boy was carrying a lit candle, obviously going to the small temple of the town to put the candle there for the night.″
And Junnaid asked, ″Can you tell me from where the light comes? You have lighted the candle yourself so you must have seen. What is the source of light?″
The boy laughed and he said, ″Wait!″ And he blew out the candle in front of Junnaid. And he said, ″You have seen the light go. Can you tell me where it has gone? If you can tell me where it has gone I will tell you from where it has come, because it has gone to the same place. It has returned to the source.″
Junnaid said, ″I had met great philosophers but nobody had made such a beautiful statement: ′It has gone to its very source.′ Everything returns to its source finally. Moreover, the child made me aware of my own ignorance. I was trying to joke with the child, but the joke was on me. He showed me that asking foolish questions--′From where has the light come?′--is not intelligent. It comes from nowhere, from nothingness--and it goes back to nowhere, to nothingness.″
Junnaid said, ″I touched the feet of the child. The child was puzzled. He said, ′Why you are touching my feet?′ And I told him, ′You are my Master--you have shown me something. You have given me a great lesson, a great insight.′
″Since that time,″ Junnaid said, ″I have been meditating on nothingness and slowly, slowly I have entered into nothingness. And now the final moment has come when the candle will go out, the light will go out. And I know where I am going--to the same source.
I remember that child with gratefulness. I can still see him standing before me now, blowing out the candle.
No situation is without a lesson, no situation at all. All situations are pregnant with meaning and intelligence. But we have to discover them. They may not always be on the surface.
When we see life itself as our master, these lessons become more accessible.
Dedans Penthouse
Legend
- What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
. . A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
- What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
. . .Gonorrhea.
- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
. . .Bus shelters.
.
. . A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
- What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
. . .Gonorrhea.
- What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?
. . .Bus shelters.
.
stringertom
Bionic Poster
How does the working girl turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.
Capulin Zurdo
Hall of Fame
Rafa.the.Magnificent
G.O.A.T.
stringertom
Bionic Poster
Vincent’s favorite cheer for his national champion football team, “Geaux Tigers!”