J011yroger
Talk Tennis Guru
I know many of you are dismayed that our pure sport, forged on the lawns of gilded age mansions has been watered down and sullied in modern times, so I have crafted this guide which is a living document as a reference. Truly manly tennis players are extinct but you may aspire to and pay homage to them by adopting some of their ways.
Section 1: Grips and strokes.
1a: The Forehand
The forehand should be struck with an eastern grip, arm close to straight. Either completely straight or slightly bent is acceptable, but no elbow to the side T-Rex arm atrocities. Grips may range from a weaker Australian type forehand for the pure S&V players to a strong eastern hybrid grip for more aggressive baseline play but under no circumstances should the index knuckle shift wholly to continental or semi-western.
The forehand should be struck with piledriving pace at every opportunity in an effort to elicit a weak return or faulty return. Net clearance should on average be between 6” and 4’. Six feet is the absolute hard limit on net clearance and should only rarely even be approached. Spin may be added to stabilize the shot or to get the ball to land in but not at the expense of pace, not to loop the ball higher than 6’ over the net.
1b: The Backhand
The backhand should be single handed and struck with a continental grip. Double handed backhands and fancy schmancy eastern backhand grips are strictly forbidden.
The backhand should be struck with extreme pace at every opportunity, or heavily driven and sliced. Net clearance should be below 4’, and spin should be minimal.
1c. The Serve
The first serve should be struck with maximum pace to the T or to the reciever’s body. Spin may be added to wide serves in order to increase angle and land them up the sideline. Serves to the wide corners are to be avoided unless struck with maximum pace. Spin serving into the reciever’s body is an underhanded tactic and is to be avoided.
The second serve should be struck either with maximum mule kick topspin, or as a ¾ pace first serve. Under no circumstances should the second serve be directed in a safe manner to start the point on even terms. The occasional double fault is an acceptable alternative to such acts of cowardice.
1d. The Volley
All must be proficient in play inside the baseline, including the volley, half volley, and overhead (in the case when one must face a cowardly lobber.)
Angle and deep power volleys as well as short skidding volleys are acceptable. Drop volleying is an underhanded tactic and is to be avoided.
Section 2: Style of play
2a: Baseline play
Baseline play may be used when serving or returning for no more than 75% of points.
Baseline play may be wholly omitted if desired.
When playing from the baseline one must stand on or up to six feet at maximum behind the baseline. All baseline rallys should be concluded within a maximum of 5 strokes.
2b: Net play
All service games must feature serve and volley tactics on at minimum 25% of points, attacking the net on return games is encouraged especially on second serves.
2c: Specialty shots
Lobs and drop shots are cowardly tactics and to be avoided.
If one accidentally wins a point via lob or drop shot (in the instance of a mishit or frame shot for example) one must raise their racquet in apology.
2d: Doubles
Doubles is a part of the game and must be played in equal or greater measure to singles.
Mixed doubles featuring strong and weak players is not tennis and should be considered a recreational activity and cocktails should be imbibed.
Mixed doubles featuring equal ability players shall be conducted as regular doubles.
Section 3: Sportsmanship
Good sportsmanship shall be the rule. All line calls must be fair and the benefit of the doubt shall be given to the opponent. Profanity and excess noise making is to be avoided. Cheering for oneself is strictly forbidden, as is bemoaning misfortunes. At the conclusion of the match a firm handshake shall be given along with sincere congratulations. An onlooker should not be able to discern the winner by body language or demeanor after the match has concluded.
Section 4: Equipment and attire
Those learning to play, and junior players shall play with wooden racquets until the age of sixteen or until their third year of playing for those starting later in life. These wooden racquets shall be strung with synthetic gut.
Upon achieving the age of sixteen the player may use a racquet measuring 85-90 square inches which must weigh over 12oz. At the age of 40 a man may use a racquet measuring up to 95" weighing over 11.5 oz and at the age of 70 a man may use a racquet measuring 100" weighing over 11oz.
100" is the hard limit on racquet size.
Strings may be nylon, synthetic or natural gut, or Kevlar. Polyester strings are strictly forbidden.
Men must wear sturdy, tennis specific shoes in good condition, crew socks, shorts above the knee but long enough to preserve modesty (usually 8-10" inseam,) and a collared polo shirt.
Any sort of legging, pants, long sleeve shirt, jacket, support, or brace is strictly forbidden regardless of injury or temperature. In the instance of serious injury a belt of whiskey may be taken before the match.
After the age of 70 a warm-up jacket or single elbow or knee brace may be worn.
Acceptable colors to wear are black, white, navy blue, and gray. All other colors are forbidden excepting sundays when a man who has sired a child may wear a lighter blue.
Section 5: Fitness and training
To be added.
J
Section 1: Grips and strokes.
1a: The Forehand
The forehand should be struck with an eastern grip, arm close to straight. Either completely straight or slightly bent is acceptable, but no elbow to the side T-Rex arm atrocities. Grips may range from a weaker Australian type forehand for the pure S&V players to a strong eastern hybrid grip for more aggressive baseline play but under no circumstances should the index knuckle shift wholly to continental or semi-western.
The forehand should be struck with piledriving pace at every opportunity in an effort to elicit a weak return or faulty return. Net clearance should on average be between 6” and 4’. Six feet is the absolute hard limit on net clearance and should only rarely even be approached. Spin may be added to stabilize the shot or to get the ball to land in but not at the expense of pace, not to loop the ball higher than 6’ over the net.
1b: The Backhand
The backhand should be single handed and struck with a continental grip. Double handed backhands and fancy schmancy eastern backhand grips are strictly forbidden.
The backhand should be struck with extreme pace at every opportunity, or heavily driven and sliced. Net clearance should be below 4’, and spin should be minimal.
1c. The Serve
The first serve should be struck with maximum pace to the T or to the reciever’s body. Spin may be added to wide serves in order to increase angle and land them up the sideline. Serves to the wide corners are to be avoided unless struck with maximum pace. Spin serving into the reciever’s body is an underhanded tactic and is to be avoided.
The second serve should be struck either with maximum mule kick topspin, or as a ¾ pace first serve. Under no circumstances should the second serve be directed in a safe manner to start the point on even terms. The occasional double fault is an acceptable alternative to such acts of cowardice.
1d. The Volley
All must be proficient in play inside the baseline, including the volley, half volley, and overhead (in the case when one must face a cowardly lobber.)
Angle and deep power volleys as well as short skidding volleys are acceptable. Drop volleying is an underhanded tactic and is to be avoided.
Section 2: Style of play
2a: Baseline play
Baseline play may be used when serving or returning for no more than 75% of points.
Baseline play may be wholly omitted if desired.
When playing from the baseline one must stand on or up to six feet at maximum behind the baseline. All baseline rallys should be concluded within a maximum of 5 strokes.
2b: Net play
All service games must feature serve and volley tactics on at minimum 25% of points, attacking the net on return games is encouraged especially on second serves.
2c: Specialty shots
Lobs and drop shots are cowardly tactics and to be avoided.
If one accidentally wins a point via lob or drop shot (in the instance of a mishit or frame shot for example) one must raise their racquet in apology.
2d: Doubles
Doubles is a part of the game and must be played in equal or greater measure to singles.
Mixed doubles featuring strong and weak players is not tennis and should be considered a recreational activity and cocktails should be imbibed.
Mixed doubles featuring equal ability players shall be conducted as regular doubles.
Section 3: Sportsmanship
Good sportsmanship shall be the rule. All line calls must be fair and the benefit of the doubt shall be given to the opponent. Profanity and excess noise making is to be avoided. Cheering for oneself is strictly forbidden, as is bemoaning misfortunes. At the conclusion of the match a firm handshake shall be given along with sincere congratulations. An onlooker should not be able to discern the winner by body language or demeanor after the match has concluded.
Section 4: Equipment and attire
Those learning to play, and junior players shall play with wooden racquets until the age of sixteen or until their third year of playing for those starting later in life. These wooden racquets shall be strung with synthetic gut.
Upon achieving the age of sixteen the player may use a racquet measuring 85-90 square inches which must weigh over 12oz. At the age of 40 a man may use a racquet measuring up to 95" weighing over 11.5 oz and at the age of 70 a man may use a racquet measuring 100" weighing over 11oz.
100" is the hard limit on racquet size.
Strings may be nylon, synthetic or natural gut, or Kevlar. Polyester strings are strictly forbidden.
Men must wear sturdy, tennis specific shoes in good condition, crew socks, shorts above the knee but long enough to preserve modesty (usually 8-10" inseam,) and a collared polo shirt.
Any sort of legging, pants, long sleeve shirt, jacket, support, or brace is strictly forbidden regardless of injury or temperature. In the instance of serious injury a belt of whiskey may be taken before the match.
After the age of 70 a warm-up jacket or single elbow or knee brace may be worn.
Acceptable colors to wear are black, white, navy blue, and gray. All other colors are forbidden excepting sundays when a man who has sired a child may wear a lighter blue.
Section 5: Fitness and training
To be added.
J
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