Headshotterer
Professional
1. Roger Federer is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his forehand and backhand respectively.
2. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Roger Federer.
3. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Roger Federer would ever play himself in a best of 5 set match at Wimbledon, he’d win. Period.
4. Roger Federer is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn with his forehand. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
5. Roger Federer is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
6. When Roger Federer sends in his tax return, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, ready to hit a forehand. Roger Federer has not had to pay taxes, ever.
7. Someone once tried to tell Roger Federer that his forehand wasn’t the best shot in the history of tennis. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
8. There are no steroids in tennis, just players Roger Federer has breathed on.
9. If tapped, the power generated by a Roger Federer forehand could power the country of Switzerland for 44 minutes.
10. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Roger Federer on the tennis court.
11. Roger Federer is so fast, he can run around the world and still hit his own forehand back to himself.
12. Roger Federer’s forehand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
13. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1RFF (Roger Federer Forehand)
14. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Roger Federer forehand.
15. The other night in Time’s Square, Roger Federer ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.
16. It is scientifically impossible for Roger Federer to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
17. There’s an order to the universe: (1) space, (2) time, (3) Roger Federer…. Heh-heh. Just kidding. Roger Federer is first.
18. The air around Roger Federer is always a balmy 78 degrees.
19. Roger Federer can get Blackjack with just one card.
20. Bigfoot takes pictures of Roger Federer.
21. Roger Federer once hit a forehand so hard that the tennis ball broke the speed of light, went back in time, and struck Amelia Earhart’s plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Mystery solved.
22. Roger Federer doesn’t churn butter. He hits forehands at the cows and the butter comes straight out.
23. Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Roger Federer’s warm-up exercises.
24. Superman once watched a replay of the 2005 Wimbledon Final. He then cried himself to sleep.
25. As President Roosevelt once said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And playing Roger Federer.”
26. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Roger Federer, dies by the forehand.
27. There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Roger Federer.
28. I’m not saying Roger Federer’s speed is underrated, but he once qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500. Without a car.
29. Roger Federer doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving the other ATP players nightmares.
30. Roger Federer is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
31. Roger Federer isn’t afraid of Urban Legends. He IS an Urban Legend.
32. One night, Andy Roddick dreamed he beat Roger Federer in straight sets to win Wimbledon. The next morning he called Roger Federer up to apologize.
33. Roger Federer once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
34. On the Asian market, Roger Federer’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
35. Roger Federer once jumped off the Empire State Building. He sprained his ankle. It was a mild sprain.
36. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Roger Federer come off without a hitch.
37. When you say “no one’s perfect”, Roger Federer takes this as a personal insult.
38. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Roger Federer forehand. They didn’t even come close.
39. There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Roger Federer.
40. Roger Federer can hold his breath for nine years.
41. Roger Federer invented a language that’s composed of forehands and backhands. So the next time Roger Federer is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
42. Superman only has two weaknesses. The first is Kryptonite. And the second, Roger Federer’s forehand.
43. The sound of Roger Federer missing a forehand can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never missed.
44. Roger Federer can divide by zero with his slice. The result? Pain.
45. Mr. T pities everyone except Roger Federer
46. What happens when you go faster than the speed of light? Scientists theorize that you may catch up to a Roger Federer forehand.
47. It’s rumored that Rod Laver has a poster of Roger Federer over HIS bed.
48. If you Google search “Roger Federer getting his a** kicked on a tennis court” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
49. Roger Federer went bowling once. He was only able to bowl one frame. He knocked down one pin after hitting the bowling ball (forehand) with his tennis racquet. The other nine pins fainted. His ball refused to come back through the return machine. Now that’s intimidation.
50. Roger Federer once shot down a fighter plane. He did so by pantomiming a forehand and yelling, “Bang!”
51. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until a Roger Federer forehand knocked one of the corners off.
52. Fear is not the only emotion Roger Federer can detect. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t have to play Roger Federer.”
53. Roger Federer can hold serve at love. He can do so only serving three times.
54. Love does not hurt. Playing Roger Federer does.
55. The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit Earth… then a Roger Federer forehand knocked it into orbit.
56. Roger Federer’s smile once brought a puppy back to life.
57. The Hubble Space Telescope was misaligned off the bounce of a Roger Federer kickserve.
58. When Roger Federer plays tennis, he only hits with 1% of his full power. At 2%, the ball would explode on impact with his racquet. At 3%, people die. At 100% Chuck Norris would lose all 6 testicles.
59. A forehand delivered by Roger Federer is the preferred method of execution in 17 states and 3 countries.
60. Every time Roger Federer drills a forehand, he finds oil.
61. When Ivan Lendl hits you with his forehand, you get knocked down. When Roger Federer hits you with his forehand, you actually won’t get knocked down… but as you look down at your chest, you will notice a hole the size of a tennis ball.
62. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except Roger Federer. Roger Federer can serve and volley out of anything.
63. Every time you return a forehand from Roger Federer, you lose one full year of life expectancy.
64. Contrary to popular belief, hurricanes are not caused by heat energy from the ocean, but by Roger Federer practicing his strokes.
65. The events that were portrayed in the movie Armageddon were fictional. What really happened was Roger Federer hit the asteroid away with his topspin forehand to save the world.
66. Bush and Blair had it all wrong when they attacked Iraq. Roger Federer has all the weapons of mass destruction.
67. Billions upon billions of US Dollars were spent on the development of an anti-ballistic missile defense shield when all they needed was Roger Federer.
68. Roger Federer is so ice-cold that when he eats ice cream, his body temperature rises.
69. Roger Federer hits a forehand so clean you can eat off of it.
70. Since 1981, the year Roger Federer was born, topspin forehand related deaths have increased 13,000%.
2. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Roger Federer.
3. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Roger Federer would ever play himself in a best of 5 set match at Wimbledon, he’d win. Period.
4. Roger Federer is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn with his forehand. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
5. Roger Federer is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
6. When Roger Federer sends in his tax return, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, ready to hit a forehand. Roger Federer has not had to pay taxes, ever.
7. Someone once tried to tell Roger Federer that his forehand wasn’t the best shot in the history of tennis. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
8. There are no steroids in tennis, just players Roger Federer has breathed on.
9. If tapped, the power generated by a Roger Federer forehand could power the country of Switzerland for 44 minutes.
10. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Roger Federer on the tennis court.
11. Roger Federer is so fast, he can run around the world and still hit his own forehand back to himself.
12. Roger Federer’s forehand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
13. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1RFF (Roger Federer Forehand)
14. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Roger Federer forehand.
15. The other night in Time’s Square, Roger Federer ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.
16. It is scientifically impossible for Roger Federer to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
17. There’s an order to the universe: (1) space, (2) time, (3) Roger Federer…. Heh-heh. Just kidding. Roger Federer is first.
18. The air around Roger Federer is always a balmy 78 degrees.
19. Roger Federer can get Blackjack with just one card.
20. Bigfoot takes pictures of Roger Federer.
21. Roger Federer once hit a forehand so hard that the tennis ball broke the speed of light, went back in time, and struck Amelia Earhart’s plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Mystery solved.
22. Roger Federer doesn’t churn butter. He hits forehands at the cows and the butter comes straight out.
23. Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Roger Federer’s warm-up exercises.
24. Superman once watched a replay of the 2005 Wimbledon Final. He then cried himself to sleep.
25. As President Roosevelt once said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And playing Roger Federer.”
26. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Roger Federer, dies by the forehand.
27. There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Roger Federer.
28. I’m not saying Roger Federer’s speed is underrated, but he once qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500. Without a car.
29. Roger Federer doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving the other ATP players nightmares.
30. Roger Federer is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
31. Roger Federer isn’t afraid of Urban Legends. He IS an Urban Legend.
32. One night, Andy Roddick dreamed he beat Roger Federer in straight sets to win Wimbledon. The next morning he called Roger Federer up to apologize.
33. Roger Federer once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
34. On the Asian market, Roger Federer’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
35. Roger Federer once jumped off the Empire State Building. He sprained his ankle. It was a mild sprain.
36. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Roger Federer come off without a hitch.
37. When you say “no one’s perfect”, Roger Federer takes this as a personal insult.
38. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Roger Federer forehand. They didn’t even come close.
39. There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Roger Federer.
40. Roger Federer can hold his breath for nine years.
41. Roger Federer invented a language that’s composed of forehands and backhands. So the next time Roger Federer is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
42. Superman only has two weaknesses. The first is Kryptonite. And the second, Roger Federer’s forehand.
43. The sound of Roger Federer missing a forehand can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never missed.
44. Roger Federer can divide by zero with his slice. The result? Pain.
45. Mr. T pities everyone except Roger Federer
46. What happens when you go faster than the speed of light? Scientists theorize that you may catch up to a Roger Federer forehand.
47. It’s rumored that Rod Laver has a poster of Roger Federer over HIS bed.
48. If you Google search “Roger Federer getting his a** kicked on a tennis court” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
49. Roger Federer went bowling once. He was only able to bowl one frame. He knocked down one pin after hitting the bowling ball (forehand) with his tennis racquet. The other nine pins fainted. His ball refused to come back through the return machine. Now that’s intimidation.
50. Roger Federer once shot down a fighter plane. He did so by pantomiming a forehand and yelling, “Bang!”
51. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until a Roger Federer forehand knocked one of the corners off.
52. Fear is not the only emotion Roger Federer can detect. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t have to play Roger Federer.”
53. Roger Federer can hold serve at love. He can do so only serving three times.
54. Love does not hurt. Playing Roger Federer does.
55. The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit Earth… then a Roger Federer forehand knocked it into orbit.
56. Roger Federer’s smile once brought a puppy back to life.
57. The Hubble Space Telescope was misaligned off the bounce of a Roger Federer kickserve.
58. When Roger Federer plays tennis, he only hits with 1% of his full power. At 2%, the ball would explode on impact with his racquet. At 3%, people die. At 100% Chuck Norris would lose all 6 testicles.
59. A forehand delivered by Roger Federer is the preferred method of execution in 17 states and 3 countries.
60. Every time Roger Federer drills a forehand, he finds oil.
61. When Ivan Lendl hits you with his forehand, you get knocked down. When Roger Federer hits you with his forehand, you actually won’t get knocked down… but as you look down at your chest, you will notice a hole the size of a tennis ball.
62. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except Roger Federer. Roger Federer can serve and volley out of anything.
63. Every time you return a forehand from Roger Federer, you lose one full year of life expectancy.
64. Contrary to popular belief, hurricanes are not caused by heat energy from the ocean, but by Roger Federer practicing his strokes.
65. The events that were portrayed in the movie Armageddon were fictional. What really happened was Roger Federer hit the asteroid away with his topspin forehand to save the world.
66. Bush and Blair had it all wrong when they attacked Iraq. Roger Federer has all the weapons of mass destruction.
67. Billions upon billions of US Dollars were spent on the development of an anti-ballistic missile defense shield when all they needed was Roger Federer.
68. Roger Federer is so ice-cold that when he eats ice cream, his body temperature rises.
69. Roger Federer hits a forehand so clean you can eat off of it.
70. Since 1981, the year Roger Federer was born, topspin forehand related deaths have increased 13,000%.
