what caused your divorce?

max

max

Legend
I'm friends with a couple having a hard time. Just curious, if you're up for it, on how things progressed for you if you had a divorce. Causes?
 
Depends on the reason. That said, I'd expect both of them to sit by themselves, and write a list of reasons why they want a divorce, and exchange them. See if they are able to take them off the list by recognizing it as a fault that they need to work on.
 
vancougar said:
We just got tired of living with each other. He's a good guy and we still get along. It's hard to live with another person. Familiarity breeds contempt, regardless of how compatible you think you are. I love my kids, but marriage sucks. My post divorce life is so much better.
Click to expand...

So true. The more you know, the more you find things you don't like about the person.
But that also makes for a point when you realize that not everyone is perfect. Everyone has faults. But then everyone has strengths too.
Focus on their strengths, and nurture them, grow them. It is an amazing experience doing so. Brings true meaning to being a partner. A buddy.
Do not make the weakness the highlight of your relationship. The more the strengths grow, the more the faults disappear into the background.
 
It gets more complicated with age. A simple matter like snoring can lead to a divorce. If one partner becomes obese, then the physical attraction fades. Then there are genuine medical issues which cause physical and mental changes. People get old and ugly and difficult. So there is a very high probability that you will get tired of your spouse. Giving a little distance and being a little formal as used to be in the old days can keep the marriage going. By that I mean playing the role of mother/wife and father/husband in the sense of "it is my duty" and allowing for boys night out or girls night out and maintaining some non-mutual friends etc.
 
sureshs said:
It gets more complicated with age. A simple matter like snoring can lead to a divorce. If one partner becomes obese, then the physical attraction fades. Then there are genuine medical issues which cause physical and mental changes. People get old and ugly and difficult. So there is a very high probability that you will get tired of your spouse. Giving a little distance and being a little formal as used to be in the old days can keep the marriage going. By that I mean playing the role of mother/wife and father/husband in the sense of "it is my duty" and allowing for boys night out or girls night out and maintaining some non-mutual friends etc.
Click to expand...
Grate poast. But this all comes easily to a legend with many fine ladies in his sureshian harem.
Nice advice to the happily married.

My advice, as a happily married man who has seen some trouble and also some wonderful times.
Marriage is not easy. It takes effort and a love of effort together. What causes strife?

Contempt. There is a malcolm gladwell piece about a famous counselor who counts contempt as the number one marker of couples destined for divorce.

Lack of time apart....and a lack of time connecting. I think this is related to Sureshs' point about formalities as in the old days.

Selfishness. Anxiety. Depression. Not feeling unity. Valuing one's needs and wants over the mutual needs and wants.

On the positive side:
She is so wonderful. Maybe not every single moment, hahah, but generally, all the time, i love and respect her.
We love just little conversations rather than texts. We love laughing at and with eachother.
Some time apart. Lots of time connecting, even in small doses. Teammates, too, as parents, stewards, citizens, friends, members of a community. God's love and grace is everything. Church is good, too, even though i am not really "religious".
 
Last edited:
vancougar said:
We just got tired of living with each other. He's a good guy and we still get along. It's hard to live with another person. Familiarity breeds contempt, regardless of how compatible you think you are. I love my kids, but marriage sucks. My post divorce life is so much better.
Click to expand...
It seems like you lost sexual sparks each other. I heard many people saying " He/she is like my brother or my sister" before their divorce. Didn't Courtney Cox say that before her divorce?
I say same thing to girls who I like but don't have physical attraction at all. We are physical, spiritual and emotional being in one person. These three elements have to be satisfied or at least two elements have to be satisfied to sustain marriage. Emotion is very delicate part. It can be hurt easily by contempt, humiliation front of people or just bad behavior (manner) in public. It accumulates and comes to the point where he/she cannot turn around. Physical part can endure for longer time especially women but even that have to be addressed in time other wise cause point of no return. Sometimes physical part can be only element holding marriage for certain couples for long period until it fizzles. Spiritual part can be strongest among all three elements only if both husband and wife are very spiritual believer. They can overcome physical and emotional weakness with faith. Some Christian couples live happily until their death even husband/wife suffer with various illness and cannot connect physically.
 
Last edited:
ca08_al_bundy.jpg
 
Marriage life ain't no easy thing. Both have to understand each other and should be willing to make sacrifices.
You only need one of them to be selfish to make it a total failure.

My mom always used to say that she is living only for me and my brother whenever my parents fight.
It's not like my father is a bad person or they hate each other totally. But it is difficult to have a marriage life without turbulence.
One thing is for sure, I and my brother have definitely played a huge role in making their marriage a successful one so far.

Like @sureshs said, you just need to find something as a motivation during tough times.
 
Mods, is there some way to flip the past two posts? That wood bee sew apropos (sic).

Gnana, well done. Way to paint a picture. I think your poast drives the millennial marriage rate down a few clicks -- even lower than it already is.
 
^Trigger pleeeease, lol!^
Every Few months... we read about some horrible person killing his wife, i shake my head very sympathetically and ask my wife what she thinks the lady did to deserve that ending. Like, "honey, seriously, what do you suppose she said to the guy? It's just...it is just so sad. You're a woman. Please, just tell me what she said."

Even after fifteen years, it gets her every single time. Then, i crack up when she realizes I am kidding and she punches me in the shoulder. My sense of humor is going to stop working one day. That's when i think i will go to malcolm gladwell's counselor in the city.
 
Last edited:
What gets me is people divorcing after 10+ years. Most of my peer group dissolved their "starter marriages" after 2-3 years due to narcissism, infidelity, people change, etc. I don't sweat it because those people never should have been married in the first place.

But then you see folks in their 40's with teenage children divorcing.. wtf? They had to think that the odds were in their favor after so long. What else do these people think is out there for them at that age?
 
A lot of things work against a happy marriage. Infidelity and arguing about money still rank as the top two causes of divorce. Avoid those, and you have a pretty good shot at staying married. Porn is a big problem these days. A lot of wives consider it being unfaithful and treat it as a sign of contempt. But men give themselves permission and justify it in various ways. It's hard for a faithful woman to compete with the bodies and sexual fantasies depicted in porn. I guess I'd rather make love to a beautiful, faithful, real woman than ********** to porn.

But once the big issues (infidelity and money squabbles) are avoided, there is still a lot of work to do. The biggest detractor I've seen is taking each other for granted. Learning to be thankful to my wife and for my wife every day has been very rewarding.
 
Infidelity (her) and open Sandbergian hypergamy.

Marriage is dead in the water, and along with it the family unit.

Females only want the top 10% of males. And that's that.

A perfectly hit down the line backhand on the run is more exquisite than any sex anyway
 
Big_Dangerous said:
It's the #1 cause of divorce! ;)
Click to expand...
#2 children!
Some married couples possibly would have worked out just fine if children hadn't changed their perspective/priorities.
I think divorce is just fine if it leads to two (more if children are involved) happier people.
Although married myself, I don't think getting married is so important, financial implications aside.
 
Booger said:
What gets me is people divorcing after 10+ years. Most of my peer group dissolved their "starter marriages" after 2-3 years due to narcissism, infidelity, people change, etc. I don't sweat it because those people never should have been married in the first place.

But then you see folks in their 40's with teenage children divorcing.. wtf? They had to think that the odds were in their favor after so long. What else do these people think is out there for them at that age?
Click to expand...

Golf, fishing, and maybe tennis :D
 
PDJ said:
#2 children!
Some married couples possibly would have worked out just fine if children hadn't changed their perspective/priorities.
I think divorce is just fine if it leads to two (more if children are involved) happier people.
Although married myself, I don't think getting married is so important, financial implications aside.
Click to expand...

Talk about the financial implications of divorce too. :eek:

Although you better make sure if you go the pre-nup route, that you make more than your significant other!

 
  • Like
Reactions: PDJ
Big_Dangerous said:
Talk about the financial implications of divorce too. :eek:

Although you better make sure if you go the pre-nup route, that you make more than your significant other!

Click to expand...
Ha ha!
We're on two different threads with a divorce theme! Are you telling me it's all over? OK, but I get custody of Benoit, right??
 
MathGeek said:
A lot of things work against a happy marriage. Infidelity and arguing about money still rank as the top two causes of divorce. Avoid those, and you have a pretty good shot at staying married. Porn is a big problem these days. A lot of wives consider it being unfaithful and treat it as a sign of contempt. But men give themselves permission and justify it in various ways. It's hard for a faithful woman to compete with the bodies and sexual fantasies depicted in porn. I guess I'd rather make love to a beautiful, faithful, real woman than ********** to porn.

But once the big issues (infidelity and money squabbles) are avoided, there is still a lot of work to do. The biggest detractor I've seen is taking each other for granted. Learning to be thankful to my wife and for my wife every day has been very rewarding.
Click to expand...

Therein lies the catch. Most faithful, real women are not beautiful (because most women are not beautiful, and the beautiful ones get less beautiful with age).

In every animal species, evolution has caused diminishing value for organisms past the peak reproductive period. Death itself is nothing but a way for evolution to get rid of the waste in order to make way for the future. There are many species of insects where the male dies immediately after mating, or is even eaten by the female. The female also dies once the young is on the way.

Through artificial means, humans have prolonged life expectancy and health, but their attempts at maintaining beauty has not yet caught up with the other progress. In spite of all the face lifts, wrinkle reduction, cosmetic breast surgeries, hair dyes, etc., old women and men look old. And those to whom age has been kinder also show their age mentally and are less attractive for socializing.
 
But eye sight worsens and you don't see the ugliness as much when you're much older :)

But if you're used to living alone and get married later in life snoring is grounds for an instant exit.

sureshs said:
It gets more complicated with age. A simple matter like snoring can lead to a divorce. If one partner becomes obese, then the physical attraction fades. Then there are genuine medical issues which cause physical and mental changes. People get old and ugly and difficult. So there is a very high probability that you will get tired of your spouse. Giving a little distance and being a little formal as used to be in the old days can keep the marriage going. By that I mean playing the role of mother/wife and father/husband in the sense of "it is my duty" and allowing for boys night out or girls night out and maintaining some non-mutual friends etc.
Click to expand...
 
Nah, a lot of women settle for bums because they want kids and the time frame
AllCourtHeathen said:
Infidelity (her) and open Sandbergian hypergamy.

Marriage is dead in the water, and along with it the family unit.

Females only want the top 10% of males. And that's that.

A perfectly hit down the line backhand on the run is more exquisite than any sex anyway
Click to expand...
 
sureshs said:
Therein lies the catch. Most faithful, real women are not beautiful (because most women are not beautiful, and the beautiful ones get less beautiful with age).

In every animal species, evolution has caused diminishing value for organisms past the peak reproductive period. Death itself is nothing but a way for evolution to get rid of the waste in order to make way for the future. There are many species of insects where the male dies immediately after mating, or is even eaten by the female. The female also dies once the young is on the way.

Through artificial means, humans have prolonged life expectancy and health, but their attempts at maintaining beauty has not yet caught up with the other progress. In spite of all the face lifts, wrinkle reduction, cosmetic breast surgeries, hair dyes, etc., old women and men look old. And those to whom age has been kinder also show their age mentally and are less attractive for socializing.
Click to expand...

I bet you're just the life of every party you attend.... :rolleyes:
 
fireandwind said:
It seems like you lost sexual sparks each other. I heard many people saying " He is like my brother or my sister" before their divorce. Didn't Courtney Cox say that before her divorce?
I say same thing to girls who I like but don't have physical attraction at all. We are physical, spiritual and emotional being in one person. These three elements have to be satisfied or at least two elements have to be satisfied to sustain marriage. Emotion is very delicate part. It can be hurt easily by contempt, humiliation front of people or just bad behavior (manner) in public. It accumulates and comes to the point where he/she cannot turn around. Physical part can endure for longer time especially women but even that have to be addressed in time other wise cause point of no return. Sometimes physical part can be only element holding marriage for certain couples for long period until it fizzles. Spiritual part can be strongest among all three elements only if both husband and wife are very spiritual believer. They can overcome physical and emotional weakness with faith. Some Christian couples live happily until their death even husband/wife suffer with various illness and cannot connect physically.
Click to expand...

That is a great observation. If marriage and children are perceived as duties rather than options, the perspective becomes different. In my case, family and social background is such that divorce is not an option. It will be 25 years of marriage next year. All our money and home is in the joint name. To have separate accounts never occurred to us. Our parents are the same. My father took care of my mother through all her years of Parkinsons till she passed away. My father-in-law took care of his wife till she passed away after multiple stomach surgeries. But when we look at those who are half a generation younger, things have changed. There are divorces and separations, and accounts are kept separate.

Regarding the separate accounts, I actually have a different view now. That is when a spouse is under great stress and does something stupid, or when he/she becomes illogical with Alzheimers or something. I know a family where the grandfather had enormous wealth under his name, and the children who were caring for him every day expected the money to come to them. He died at the age of 92. For five years before that, he lost his mind but was never clinically mentally sick. He used to withdraw huge amounts of cash every day and buy thousands of chocolates and give it to people outside the chocolate shop. He placed a huge order for gold coins to be distributed to every guest at a wedding. He filed a police complaint about his son trying to kill him and then forgot about it in the evening and had dinner with him. The banks said that the bar was very high to declare a person as mentally incapable and freeze his accounts, and requires medical and judicial certification. If a spouse starts spending money like this, isn't it better to have separate accounts for safety? We live in times when there are government protections against abuse of people by declaring them mentally sick and incapable of handling money, so it is not like the old days where the bank manager was real (not a software program), knew the families, and could make decisions on his own without fear of the law.

Basically, marriages and joint accounts and the whole system works when a large part of society is playing by the same rules. Moral and legal frameworks are in sync. As people start moving away from the system due to easier communication, internet, job pressures, work-related travel, more options, longer life, better medical care, etc., the system also starts to change.
 
gnana prakash said:
Marriage life ain't no easy thing. Both have to understand each other and should be willing to make sacrifices.
You only need one of them to be selfish to make it a total failure.
Click to expand...

gnana prakash said:
My mom always used to say that she is living only for me and my brother whenever my parents fight.
Click to expand...
Ouch. Impressing that aspect upon the kids is hurtful - for the kids. I would never do that. For one, it impresses that the mom has no respect or desire to be with the father. Which in turn also impresses that there is something terribly wrong with your father, and that I am going through a lot of pain for you (kids).

gnana prakash said:
It's not like my father is a bad person or they hate each other totally. But it is difficult to have a marriage life without turbulence.
Click to expand...
But as mature people, one needs to learn to contain that turbulence within, and not unleash it upon the kids as the kids themselves are not at fault for the rocky relationship.

gnana prakash said:
One thing is for sure, I and my brother have definitely played a huge role in making their marriage a successful one so far.
Like @sureshs said, you just need to find something as a motivation during tough times.
Click to expand...

Find the motivation, find a goal, but don't impress upon the kids or other (parents or in-laws) of your sacrifice. It totally demeans the worth of a sacrifice.
 
sureshs said:
Therein lies the catch. Most faithful, real women are not beautiful (because most women are not beautiful, and the beautiful ones get less beautiful with age).
Click to expand...

If you play cricket, you will understand that you can bowl fast with a new ball, and spin better with an old aged ball.
Point is, learn to bowl fast, and graduate to spin and you will enjoy the woman you married forever.
 
chikoo said:
If you play cricket, you will understand that you can bowl fast with a new ball, and spin better with an old aged ball.
Point is, learn to bowl fast, and graduate to spin and you will enjoy the woman you married forever.
Click to expand...

How do you spin when it is like sleeve of wizard?
 
r2473 said:
You married your sister?
Click to expand...

Hehe it does feel like that after all these years

Do you know that spouses start talking like each other and there was even a claim that they start looking like each other, though how that is possible for non-gay couples I don't know.
 
chikoo said:
Ouch. Impressing that aspect upon the kids is hurtful - for the kids. I would never do that. For one, it impresses that the mom has no respect or desire to be with the father. Which in turn also impresses that there is something terribly wrong with your father, and that I am going through a lot of pain for you (kids).
Click to expand...

Poster is from India, and it is quite common for mothers to say this. It does not have the implications that it has in the West, because the parents will never separate. It is also common for mothers to say this without quite meaning it, to raise sympathy from everyone, and as a social antidote against jealousy that she may be happily married and financially well-off. It ties in with the general Asian culture that if you are asked how you are, you don't say "Great" but always complain about something. It is changing though.
 
chikoo said:
If you play cricket, you will understand that you can bowl fast with a new ball, and spin better with an old aged ball.
Point is, learn to bowl fast, and graduate to spin and you will enjoy the woman you married forever.
Click to expand...

In test match cricket this ball is used for a minimum of 80 overs (theoretically five hours and twenty minutes of play), after which the fielding side has the option of using a new ball. In professional one day cricket, at least two new balls are used for each match.


If men could get a new wife every 5 hours and 20 minutes, we would not have this discussion.
 
sureshs said:
Poster is from India, and it is quite common for mothers to say this. It does not have the implications that it has in the West, because the parents will never separate. It is also common for mothers to say this without quite meaning it, to raise sympathy from everyone, and as a social antidote against jealousy that she may be happily married and financially well-off. It ties in with the general Asian culture that if you are asked how you are, you don't say "Great" but always complain about something. It is changing though.
Click to expand...

Divorce rate is increasing though. Not sure whether to be happy or not!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

bluegrasser
What Happened !
Replies
12
Views
932
heycal
H
jamesblakefan#1
Engaged at 20 or younger ...?
2
Replies
79
Views
5K
spaceman_spiff
spaceman_spiff
max
Your "World-Opening" Moments: check-in. .
Replies
10
Views
611
max
max
Davis937
The three happiest days of your life ...
2
Replies
74
Views
4K
Rockitdog
Rockitdog
F
How many Canadians on here???
Replies
25
Views
1K
mucat
mucat
Back
Top