young girl trapped in marriage and religion

[armand]

She's 21 and has been married for 2 yrs at least. She comes from a Hindu background and married a Sikh(I think) dude and because those 2 religions are enemies, her family disowned her.

Her religion seems to limit her freedom because she can't go out at night and she doesn't have many friends. It's not like she's kicking and screaming; she knows the faith she married into and abides by it.

She says things are getting difficult because she's such a social+outgoing person. She also said that somthing has changed between her and her husband but didn't specify.

Lately she's been complaining indirectly and saying she "can't take it anymore". Coming from her, these are serious words.

I asked her if she could go back to her family and she said they would/could never accept her. Some months ago, I told her I had a spare room and she could stay here to figure things out. She laughed then, not sure why but anyway now it seems things have gotten much worse and if I offered again, I have the feeling she would accept but the problem is that the room is no longer free.

Bit of bg: I know her because we used to work together. She found better work and later brought me along with her and it's been a great job. I feel very loyal to her even though I don't know her so well. I'm afraid to realize that I'm all she's got.

She has a good job so it's not like her freedom is dependant on money. I think she's just young+afraid but these are very difficult things to talk about for her(and I don't feel right asking her many questions) so I just don't know. She says that none of this anyone's fault and so she's confused as to why it would happen. I was kinda dumbfounded by that statement so I was at a loss for words. I mean it doesn't have to be anyone's fault, people just change especially at a young age. I don't want to say it was her fault for getting married so young because I think she was almost forced into it because she loved the dude while her family was against it so it was almost like the only choice she had.

I don't know what to say/think/do. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[HellBunni]

first and foremost, are you a guy or a girl?

she wouldn't dare (aganist her religion) to move in with you if you were a guy.

the best you could really do is let her know you are there if she needs you, and that you care about her. since it doesn't seem like you know her family or husband personally, so there's really not much you can do.

 

[Geezer Guy]

One is not "trapped" in a marriage or a religion. These are things that one is free to choose.

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he said something somewhat profound:

If you don't like the situation you are in, you can either:
Change the environment,
Adapt to the environment,
or Leave the environment.

With regards to the young girl "trapped" by marriage and religion, she can TRY to change both, but I doubt she will succeed - especially if her husband has strong feelings about the matter. She can try to adapt to the environment, which maybe she HAS been trying - but it's not working out. She can continue to try to adapt, or she can simply give up and decide to put the past behind her and move on. Chalk this up to a social experiment that just didn't work out. She's now stronger and wiser, and hopefully won't make the same mistake again.

 

[Phil]

One is not "trapped" in a marriage or a religion. These are things that one is free to choose.

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he said something somewhat profound:

If you don't like the situation you are in, you can either:
Change the environment,
Adapt to the environment,
or Leave the environment.

Easy to say for those of us from a Western religious/cultural background that's firmly grounded in the 21st (or at least the 20th) century. The pressures on those from devout Hindi or Muslim families is something that many cannot understand. Many people from non-Western cultures DO NOT have the luxury of "free choice" that we have. Saying that they do, simply because WE do, adds up to a bad case of ethnocentricism.

 

[armand]

I'm a male. She only converted for marriage, if she would ever leave her marriage, I think she would leave the religion too, especially considering the religion is what's causing so much grief. thanks hellbunny

GG: Yes I want to explain to her that the whole point of the Western world is that it's free and people are free to largely do whatever they want to make themselves happy. But she comes from a different world and these concepts seem hard for her to grasp.

But I don't feel right about 'convincing' her. I want to explain, to open her eyes.

Change the environment - seems her religion is set in stone
Adapt to the environment - she's tried and she can't take it anymore. Adapting would mean going crazy I think. It happens a lot
or Leave the environment - easier said than done for her

 

[CanadianChic]

All I can suggest without further info (even with for that matter) is stand by her and be her friend. She just may need a very strong rock in the future to lean against.

 

[tricky]

Many people from non-Western cultures DO NOT have the luxury of "free choice" that we have. Saying that they do, simply because WE do, adds up to a bad case of ethnocentricism.

I agree with Phil there. Western culture tends to perceive Eastern as a battle between individual rights and "groupthink." But Eastern culture sees the issue as recognizing the bonds and interconnectedness you have with other people.

So for a person raised in an Eastern society -- and these are generalizations here -- it's likely that disconnecting oneself from family and such (or experiencing very strong disapproval from family) would impose much stronger emotional distress than divorcing your spouse. It's not about thinking for yourself, it's about only thinking of yourself.

 

[Deuce]

The most important element in your helping her is time.
It's amazing what things time reveals.

Just give it time.

 

[Polaris]

Agree with Phil about how difficult it is for the girl to change her situation.

Also agree completely with CC that it would be best to remain a loyal friend. These are not always in good supply.

 

[FarFed]

I think it's partly her fault. She did not need to get into a marriage which she knew would potentially give her grief (as someone here said about choice). I don't think she can say that she was unaware of things, she could not have been that ignorant.

All said, I think she needs to get out of the marriage.

 

[superman1]

Her family disowned her? That's hard to imagine. Usually Hindus are quite sensible, especially those living in the US. I've been to a Hindu/Christian wedding and the difference in religion was a non issue, everyone got together great and had a lot of fun.

So in this situation, you can't do a damn thing except talk to her and get her to open up a bit more. Sounds like she's thinking divorce but that might be against the religion, I don't know. Regardless, I'm thinking divorce is the best solution. It may be against the religion, but it's certainly within the law.

 

[emcee]

Well this is something to which there's no easy answer. I'd want to "open her eyes" too but I'd feel like some kind of goon convincing her against her religion.

It seems weird that she married the guy knowing that the different religions were going to be such an issue. Maybe her family would take her back if she divorced and became Hindu or whatever again?

 

[emcee]

Never mind, is she hot? Tap that, man!

 

[Off The Wall]

Strength

If she has the strength to be disowned by her family, she has the strength to make her own way.

 

[diredesire]

Easy to say for those of us from a Western religious/cultural background that's firmly grounded in the 21st (or at least the 20th) century. The pressures on those from devout Hindi or Muslim families is something that many cannot understand. Many people from non-Western cultures DO NOT have the luxury of "free choice" that we have. Saying that they do, simply because WE do, adds up to a bad case of ethnocentricism.

Well said, Phil.

Well this is something to which there's no easy answer. I'd want to "open her eyes" too but I'd feel like some kind of goon convincing her against her religion.

It seems weird that she married the guy knowing that the different religions were going to be such an issue. Maybe her family would take her back if she divorced and became Hindu or whatever again?

You assume that she's "wrong," in her ways. I don't see why "opening her eyes" is necessary.

Never mind, is she hot? Tap that, man!

 

[sureshs]

and because those 2 religions are enemies
.

That is a bit of an overstatement, though I don't doubt what you say about her family.

In fact, in many Hindu families in a certain region, the eldest son is raised as a Sikh for historical reasons. The Prime Minister of the country with the largest Hindu population is Sikh.

The 1984 anti-Sikh riots and the police excesses before that left the relationship in a poor condition, but it was more of the Sikhs being at the receiving end of government sponsored pogroms, so they should be the ones feeling bad.

I personally have known many many Sikhs and studied and now work with them.

It depends a lot on the background of the two families.

As Phil says, these things are difficult to understand. It also depends so much on the specifics that generalizations are hard to make. Relationships between the two sets of in-laws is always problematic in traditional cultures anyway. Each side is afraid that their child will "transfer" allegiance to the other side and not take care of them in their old age (not much pension and no government benefits to depend on in old age, and often no home paid for). When different religions are added to the mix, the alienation increases. The parents see the marriage and children as continuation of their relationship with their son or daughter, not a breaking away into an independent life of husband and wife. This was the backbone on which rural agrarian economies were built upon largely due to need, and it is changing today.

 

[richw76]

I personally have known many many Sikhs and studied and now work with them.

Not to be too judgemental but this statement almost sounds like the guy that tells an off color ethnic "Joke", and when he's called on it says "but I'm not bigoted/racist I have a <fill in the group> friend."

That and I'm not from an eastern culture but due to my job I work with many guys from india/pakastan, and not only don't they talk to each other but they have told stories about people getting beat up for trying to marry a muslim girl/guy, up to and including disowning the kid to save face in the community.

This is certainly not the only culture like this. I'd say most cultures prefer to stay segregated in marriage. Consiquences of breaking that vary. But has more to do with teh person disobying the family than the act itself.

 

[superman1]

Indians certainly have a distaste for Pakistan (say the name and they'll all talk about how all of the terrorists come from there), but only the stupid ones actually take it so far as to dislike actual Pakistani individuals. These are the same stupid ones who get uptight about kissing in public.

 

[Geezer Guy]

Easy to say for those of us from a Western religious/cultural background that's firmly grounded in the 21st (or at least the 20th) century. The pressures on those from devout Hindi or Muslim families is something that many cannot understand. Many people from non-Western cultures DO NOT have the luxury of "free choice" that we have. Saying that they do, simply because WE do, adds up to a bad case of ethnocentricism.

She "choose" to leave the religion and culture of her youth and family, and marry someone different. That took some guts, I would think. I fail to see why she can't use those same guts to leave her new environment that obviosly isn't working out for her.

 

[PimpMyGame]

Never mind, is she hot? Tap that, man!

Joking aside, do you have the hots for her? This is a vital question which could have some serious consequences for both of you. Think very carefully before getting involved any further. Worst case scenario is that her husband smells a rat and her damage limitation kicks in. Suddenly you're the bad guy having to watch your back.

TREAD VERY CAREFULLY

 

[armand]

Thanks for everybody's help, I appreciate it.

Deuce, what exactly do you mean? Time will reveal how I can help her?

PimpMyGame: Oh I know these hardcore Old World religious types can get nasty. Even though there's nothing between her and I, if he were to find out the things she's said to me, I'd be in serious trouble.

I wouldn't want to get involved with her; too much drama. If I were to help her leave, I'd watch my back for a long, long time. It is worth the risk I think.

Off The Wall: perhaps, but even when leaving her family, she didn't do it alone. If she could leave now on her own, I think she mighta done it already.

 

[Deuce]

Thanks for everybody's help, I appreciate it.

Deuce, what exactly do you mean? Time will reveal how I can help her?

I mean that with time, you will learn more about her and about her circumstance. As the pieces of the puzzle come together, you'll see more and more of the actual picture - and so, knowing more, you'll be able to help more effectively.

Unfortunately, time is the only element that can reveal these things.

Good luck.