why is it that....

[Manda_D]

u think u find the one that your ment to be with but then everything just goes crazy and bad and its over just like that?

my boyfriend is the first and only boy i have ever loved. we met through my best friend who is also one of his close mates.. thats pretty much the best way to meet someone i think. because you know that if there friends with your friends that they should be okay.

from the very 1st time we met i knew he wasnt the same as every other boy. we just connected and clicked from the 1st moment we spoke and to me, this never happends, it always takes a while to have that sort of a connection.

we lost contact for a few months but then randomly met eachother again at a local club.

we then started seeing eachother almost everyday after that, but he had some emotional baggage from his previous relationship so it took us almost 4 months after 1st hooking up for him to ask me out.

everything was going awesome till we started having little fights.. mostly about how he still wants to be best friends with his ex girlfriend.... the one who hurt him so badly!

i was sort of okay with this till he said to me that he started getttings feelings back for her and the way that he "thinks" he could deal with it was to stop seeing her for a month....

that was 4 months ago and now im so scared that hes going to leave me for her that little fights blow up into big fights.

i love this boy so much but i get the feeling that he doesnt love me. i ask him if he does and his reply is.. it takes time baby.... its now been 9 months!

why is it that whenever i start to fall hard for someone that i find every little thing that could be wrong and just blow it up and make it a huge deal??!!

im so sick of getting hurt.. maybe i should just give up all together.


sorry about this post guys. i just really need to get it all off my chest

 

[Manda_D]

oh and yep.. we did break up tonight. just had one fight to many and i couldnt deal with it anymore.

just in time for him to go out tonight and hook up with as many chicks as he wants

 

[luke_1983uk]

manda, thats harsh!
but like they say theres plenty more fish in the sea!
just be happy and life will take care of its self, so dont worry be happy!

 

[Manda_D]

thanks luke. if this was just another guy then it wouldnt bother me, i'd pretty much just throw it away and find me another, but i actually love this guy!

its funny coz when i tell him i love him he says nothing back. the other night i told him i loved him, he kissed me twice, stopped, and said... "i wore socks to bed last night, i wondered why my feet werent as warm" THATS what i get back! i seriously dont no why i bother

 

[luke_1983uk]

i know what your saying, but he isnt treating you the way you deserved to be treated, i seriously think the best thing for you to do is just try as hard as it will be but just try to forget about him, theres no need to get nasty, you can keep in contact with him as friends i surpose, but the main thing for you to do is get on with your life, smile, and use the time you have from now on to just do things that make you feel good, dont stress, treat yourself (Go and watch some concerts or something along them lines), and show him that your moving on, im sure he will come back to you in time, use this time to really concentrate on something you love or would like to learn ie guitar, keyboard, a language, fitness, but i reckon something more like TENNIS! you watch your results pick up over time.


not sure if any of this helps but hey i tried!

hope everything goes ok for you manda

 

[Manda_D]

thanks again luke. i hope your right. i hate this whole thing.

im currently making a cd of all soppy love songs just to get all my tears and everything out tonight

 

[luke_1983uk]

now thats a good idea, make sure you get some good rom com fims too!
50 first dates is a good'n!

ive got a good couple of songs for you if you want to add them to your cd?
spose i could email them if you want?.

 

[Manda_D]

ohh yes please. the more the better.

i already got my chocolate and chick flicks lined up. got the notebook, titanic and a walk to remember.

 

[CanadianChic]

u think u find the one that your ment to be with but then everything just goes crazy and bad and its over just like that?

my boyfriend is the first and only boy i have ever loved. we met through my best friend who is also one of his close mates.. thats pretty much the best way to meet someone i think. because you know that if there friends with your friends that they should be okay.

from the very 1st time we met i knew he wasnt the same as every other boy. we just connected and clicked from the 1st moment we spoke and to me, this never happends, it always takes a while to have that sort of a connection.

we lost contact for a few months but then randomly met eachother again at a local club.

we then started seeing eachother almost everyday after that, but he had some emotional baggage from his previous relationship so it took us almost 4 months after 1st hooking up for him to ask me out.

everything was going awesome till we started having little fights.. mostly about how he still wants to be best friends with his ex girlfriend.... the one who hurt him so badly!

i was sort of okay with this till he said to me that he started getttings feelings back for her and the way that he "thinks" he could deal with it was to stop seeing her for a month....

that was 4 months ago and now im so scared that hes going to leave me for her that little fights blow up into big fights.

i love this boy so much but i get the feeling that he doesnt love me. i ask him if he does and his reply is.. it takes time baby.... its now been 9 months!

why is it that whenever i start to fall hard for someone that i find every little thing that could be wrong and just blow it up and make it a huge deal??!!

im so sick of getting hurt.. maybe i should just give up all together.


sorry about this post guys. i just really need to get it all off my chest

Manda, I feel bad for you. There are a few highlighted points that jumped out at me as I read this. The guy has emotional baggage...he did when you met him and he still does. The reality is that he will continue to lug this baggage around turning him and his issues into your baggage.

You can't spend your life afraid that someone will leave you - that simply isn't healthy for you. If there is that deep a level of mistrust and uncertainty then you really need to start focusing on YOURSELF and what will make YOU happy as opposed to trying to please him so much. You say you love him and he is putting off returning the response? Well, not everyone experiences love at first sight - sometimes it grows over time. Would you rather be with someone who you care for way more than they care for you, or take the pain and move on in your quest to find someone who would be more than happy to respond in kind to your feelings? It's hard when the relationship is a one-way street - been there, done that. Please take my advice and kick it before it wrecks you more than it already is doing. If he truly does care he won't let you walk out of his life - if he lets you go at least you can put this behind you once and for all.

Manda, I see you are taking the blame for this in the last part of your post. Don't make his problems and issues your responsibility. Sure, you are picking fights, but who wouldn't when they feel so frustrated? Instead of honing in on your hurt, the reasons for it and possible solutions to fix this uncomfortable situation, this guy is focusing his energy on how to deal with his past love. Not cool.

I hope this works out for you - either way it will hurt (whether you stay or walk) until this guy gets his crap together. Take care of yourself in the process and don't take the blame for his insensitivity okay?

 

[luke_1983uk]

ohh yes please. the more the better.

i already got my chocolate and chick flicks lined up. got the notebook, titanic and a walk to remember.

wow! i love "a walk to remember"
one of my alltime fav's! mandy moore is awesome in that film.

i will send a few songs your way!

 

[Manda_D]

seriously, thank you so much CC. and i fully agree with everything you said. i reckon i'll just leave it for a while... keep it on the downlow and if he wants me back, he knows where to find me

i new comming here and just letting it all out would be better than talking to my close friends because i new all i'd be getting back from them is what i wanted to hear.

 

[CanadianChic]

I agree that sometimes it is best to get the opinions of others who are not involved with the participants - our perspectives are removed from the situation. You are a nice girl Manda...you deserve to be treated like someone's queen and I know that he is out there so keep an open mind and everything will work out. Soon, hopefully, this will be a distant memory and you'll wonder how on earth you could have been so hurt because you will be in such a happy place looking back.

 

[Manda_D]

yeahh i hope so! but you no how it is.. im just sick of letting myself get hurt. thats the reason why i havent let myself love anyone before. i keep my guards up so stuff like this doesnt happen and i thought this was the one boy that i could let myself fall for. obviously i was wrong.

i spose i really should have ended it alot sooner. this may sound really pathetic and bad, but as i was getting worried about him leaving me for her, i pretty much stopped eating. i only let myself have small amounts of food and i wathed my weight alot. shes a model and i feel like i can never compete or compare to that. im so far at my lowest weight ive been. i weighed myself this morn and im at 54.6kg and im 5'9".
it wasnt his fault that i havent been eating i spose, he tells me all the time to eat more and he always shoves more food on my plate and stuff

 

[Manda_D]

thanks for the songs luke! im on dial up so its gunna take hours to download

 

[TokyopunK]

I am going to fly over to Australia right now and give some emotional support to the girl of my dreams.

 

[Manda_D]

haha. sounds good tokyo. i am on the rebound after all

 

[CanadianChic]

yeahh i hope so! but you no how it is.. im just sick of letting myself get hurt. thats the reason why i havent let myself love anyone before. i keep my guards up so stuff like this doesnt happen and i thought this was the one boy that i could let myself fall for. obviously i was wrong.

i spose i really should have ended it alot sooner. this may sound really pathetic and bad, but as i was getting worried about him leaving me for her, i pretty much stopped eating. i only let myself have small amounts of food and i wathed my weight alot. shes a model and i feel like i can never compete or compare to that. im so far at my lowest weight ive been. i weighed myself this morn and im at 54.6kg and im 5'9".
it wasnt his fault that i havent been eating i spose, he tells me all the time to eat more and he always shoves more food on my plate and stuff

I understand what you are saying. I recently read Victoria Beckham say that she was terrified her husband would leave her and that she always has to look her best for him. Interesting how he cheated (more than once) on his stick-thin wife with women who had healthy appetites.

My point is that no matter what you do for him or how much care you put into your appearance, he will do whatever he feels like doing at any given time. We can't control them Manda, and making yourself sick (as much as I understand it) is not okay. I'm happy that you recognize this is a self-destructive habit and have no doubt that you will gain control. When we feel out of control or are frustrated that there is something or someone that is causing us to be unhappy - we fight to control what we do have power over - which sadly, is in most cases our weight. He may have been pushing food onto your plate, but he was a factor in the psychological reasons why you wouldn't eat it. I only hope the next guy who you are with cares enough for you and is observant and perceptive enough to see this and not allow it to happen. I understand all about walls and the need to protect yourself Manda but when you meet the right guy those walls will fall so fast.

 

[Manda_D]

i fully understand and agree with what ur saying CC. and at this exact moment, im shoveling hot chips and chocolate in my belly! **btw.. have you ever thought about studying psych??!**

 

[CanadianChic]

Nope, although I seem to be the person everyone I know comes to for advice. LOL. I just try to help where I can when I can.

 

[Manda_D]

lol. well ur doing a very good job. its helped me alot and the tears have gone...... untill i finish my "its over" cd

 

[CanadianChic]

Well I'm glad to hear that!! Anytime you want to hash things out you know where to find me.

 

[Manda_D]

haha. i may actually take u up on that offer.... i have to see him tomorrow as it turns out. i left my tax stuff at his place because i was there after i finished work so i have to go back there and get it. this will be interesting

 

[CanadianChic]

Is there any way you can get a friend to go get it for you? I won't be on the forum tomorrow night because I can't come here from work but I check my e-mails from there if you need some encouragement. We ladies need to stick together.

 

[Andres]

You already know how I feel, M.
I've been telling you the same stuff for 4 months

 

[Manda_D]

Is there any way you can get a friend to go get it for you? I won't be on the forum tomorrow night because I can't come here from work but I check my e-mails from there if you need some encouragement. We ladies need to stick together.

nah i reckon its prob best if i did it. we ended it on really bad terms so i dunno. we'll see. and yes.. us ladies do need to stick together! thanks mate

 

[Manda_D]

You already know how I feel, M.
I've been telling you the same stuff for 4 months

yeahhh i no. i just didnt want to let myself accept that i had to let him go... as u no pretty much more than anyone else

 

[Manda_D]

OMG luke.... i love all those songs. that lifehouse song is killing me already. thanks champ!

 

[luke_1983uk]

hey glad you liked them, ive still got a few more for you, just trying to send them and do abit of work at the same time, which aint too easy!

 

[tennisdarren]

Manda.
Please realise that there are many guys that would be lucky to meet a girl like you. If this is the type of girl that this guy wants, maybe he's not the kind of guy you should want. I would hazzard a guess that the other folks you will talk to here, out of their 20's, will tell you that they had a first love that they were head over heals for and could not imagine their lives going on without them. Me personally I remember my firsts' name, but I really don't remember what her face looked like. You say that you had strong feeling for him but he did not seem to return to you the same. When I met the girl who is now my wife we could both tell that each other had very similar feeling for the other. Please realise that you have a lot of living left to do, there are many more guys that you will meet in your life, I bet that in a few years you won't remember what this guy looks like and you may even feel a little foolish for giving him so much control in your life when he obviously has given you none in his.

With that out of the way I think he's playing with your feelings. It sounds like he's trying to keep you on the hook and get the other girl back. He wants to keep you available in case he can not get her back. If you want to see how he really feels you should tell him that you will let him have all the space and time that he wants to go back to her, but you will not wait on him you're going to date and meet other guys. Then follow up on it! Don't call, don't drive by his house, don't go by his work, go out with friends for a girls night out, go with another guy to dinner or a movie. Live your life don't let him play his mind games by allowing yourself to be his second choice. You should put more value on yourself than allowing him to have any control in your life if he's going to treat you like that. I promis you one day you will find a man who will realise that you're a keeper and he'll return your feelings and you will know it when he does.

Take care, Darren

 

[diegaa]

life sometimes sucks, but most of the time doesnt: it worths living it. EVERYBODY has experienced something similar and all got over it. You will be fine, trust me. Now, go out as much as you can and get drunk. Kisses to you.

 

[TheKingOfClay]

He will figure out his mistake eventually, but to *** with him, he doesn't deserve you... you will find the right guy... hang in there...

 

[Manda_D]

thanks everyone!

i saw him for about 2 mins tonight and i asked if he wantd to come round after work so we could at least end it on a good note.. but he straight out said no. i said that if he ever wants me back hes going the wrong way about it. he said that he doesnt want to see me for a few days but then after that he'll "see" if he wants to

 

[CanadianChic]

thanks everyone!

i saw him for about 2 mins tonight and i asked if he wantd to come round after work so we could at least end it on a good note.. but he straight out said no. i said that if he ever wants me back hes going the wrong way about it. he said that he doesnt want to see me for a few days but then after that he'll "see" if he wants to

How about you take control of your life and make the decision for him. He had a chance to be civil, but chose instead to be an ass - actions have consequences I'm afraid, and he'll eventually learn that it's not okay to treat people like that. He is trying to dangle you Manda - he wants to do his thing but have you pining away (single of course) waiting for him to finish playing. He thinks you'll be there like a faithful puppy waiting for him - prove him wrong!!

 

[Manda_D]

it was really tough today CC. i no i sound so stupid coz i mean, everyone goes through this, but i couldnt stop myself crying everytime i thought of things im going to miss and never be able 2 do again. just the simple things like him cuddling me when were going to sleep, or my resting my head on his lap when were watching telly.
i really want him back

 

[CanadianChic]

it was really tough today CC. i no i sound so stupid coz i mean, everyone goes through this, but i couldnt stop myself crying everytime i thought of things im going to miss and never be able 2 do again. just the simple things like him cuddling me when were going to sleep, or my resting my head on his lap when were watching telly.
i really want him back

You know....you sound anything but stupid. What you sound like is a girl who is very hurt and confused and yes, a lot of us have gone through this, but hearing that doesn't make it any easier for you. I've been through this and know exactly what you're feeling but let me ask you this: you say you will miss the things that you will never do again. You will be cuddled while falling asleep and you'll be able to rest your head in a lap while watching telly. It sounds like you miss the idea of the relationship rather than the person. You want to be loved and to love and do all the things that couples do and at this point in time you can't see yourself with anyone but this guy, but every day will get a bit easier and I guarantee you that when you are in a relationship that truly makes you happy, all these things will be so much better. The anxiety will be gone, there will be no questions of where he is and who he is with because the trust will be solid. It all takes time but you need to look after yourself.

 

[tennisdarren]

Please my dear put a bit more value in yourself. He is "playing the game" perfectly with you right now, you must turn it around, for your own good! Just remember "Thou who cares least wins!" He's playing it to a T with you right now, you ask if he wants to see you he says no but maybe in a couple of days (to keep the hope alive in you) but he says "maybe in a couple of days" COME ON he's toying with your emotions! It's your job to stop him and I'm gonna tell you how.

My dear Manda you must play the game better than he does. You must (for your own sake) find some other friends (male perferably) and even if you have no feelings for them, let the player know that you're going out with these other people. When he calls don't answer when he leaves messages dont return them for a few days, when he uses the old "I'll see in a couple of days" line you reply with "Ok, because during those couple of days I'm going to be going out with (insert the various other friends names here), you leave me a message when you call I'll call you back when I get around to it, because I'm so busy right now." Don't you let him see you cry or know that you're hurting because if you do you put all the control with him. You must take the control back, it will drive him crazy that he has lost the controling intrest in your life. If he wants at all to be with you he'll come running back and start leading this other girl on. Which he was probably doing while he was hanging out with you. At which point you should get in touch with her and compare notes about this guy and both of you should dump his ass.

Take back the control in your life. Remember "She who cares least wins"

 

[Hot Sauce]

I like your avatar Manda.

 

[Manda_D]

okay guys, theres a new twist in the story. he sent me a msg last night saying get your stuff i'll come pick you up.
so i went round to his and i said.. i thought u didnt want to see me. and he said.. i didnt, i dont no why i wanted to see you but i just did.

we pretty much didnt talk the whole night and stayed at pretty much the furthest away possible when we went to bed. but then at bout 8am we both woke up at the same time and looked at eachother nd we hugged for hours.

but then, his brother came in and said that he needs to talk 2 troy for a minute. troy came back in and said that his grandpa just died.
i seriously didnt no what to do so i gave him a hug and said that no matter what i'll be there for him. i dont no what to do or what to say to him anymore. i went through the exact same thing last year with my grandpa so i said that he could talk to me if he wants to.
our fight could not have come at a worse time.
and now im not saying its fate or whatever, but i do find it strange that after giving me a strong 'no' and then coming to get me anyway.. then only an hour or so after we re-connected his grandpa died... but maybe it was like i was ment to be there for him to help him get through it or something

 

[Lakoste]

Since no one has responded here yet, I figured I might as well...

I didn't read the entire thread, only the last post, so this might be a repeat.

I don't quite understand the sleeping at his place scenario? Maybe you can explain that to me. About the whole fate thing, it might sound reasonable to you right now, but honestly, it is just another thing your mind is telling you so you continue to pursue a already dead relationship. You sound young, 20-, so this is a learning experience, there'll be plenty more of them.

Guys don't like girls who are too eager to get back with them. They will find it interesting if you totally ignore them, dot answer their calls, etc. This interest is what will get them back to talking to you, not you groveling at his feet desperately trying to get back together. If he truly likes you then he will find a way for you two to be together, you shouldn't have to try so hard, he already knows that you still care for him.

Just sharing some life experiences that I've picked up through the years, hope it helps.

 

[luke_1983uk]

okay guys, theres a new twist in the story. he sent me a msg last night saying get your stuff i'll come pick you up.
so i went round to his and i said.. i thought u didnt want to see me. and he said.. i didnt, i dont no why i wanted to see you but i just did.

we pretty much didnt talk the whole night and stayed at pretty much the furthest away possible when we went to bed. but then at bout 8am we both woke up at the same time and looked at eachother nd we hugged for hours.

but then, his brother came in and said that he needs to talk 2 troy for a minute. troy came back in and said that his grandpa just died.
i seriously didnt no what to do so i gave him a hug and said that no matter what i'll be there for him. i dont no what to do or what to say to him anymore. i went through the exact same thing last year with my grandpa so i said that he could talk to me if he wants to.
our fight could not have come at a worse time.
and now im not saying its fate or whatever, but i do find it strange that after giving me a strong 'no' and then coming to get me anyway.. then only an hour or so after we re-connected his grandpa died... but maybe it was like i was ment to be there for him to help him get through it or something

wow! manda, you sure know the meaning of complicated!!
i guess maybe in your situation you are now in i guess you should listen to your heart, and see how things go, just make sure your not being used, and things should take care of them self, i guess thats all you can do at the moment,
so did you like them songs?

 

[Deuce]

So... how old are the principles in this play?
Manda?
Troy?

People should have asked this question long ago, before offering advice, as age is pertinent in these situations.

 

[CanadianChic]

Well, I looked at her profile and saw that she is 19. Since she refers to him as a boy, I am assuming he is roughly the same age.

 

[hgb765]

boys are stupid
i'm so over them.

 

[Janne]

First, I know you dont want to hear this as it's just my opinion and probably a very stupid one but anyway: I´m pretty sure you didnt love him, just had a very big crush. Teens throw that word a lot today even if they just "like" someone. I know cause I thought I loved my first girlfriend like you loved your
boyfriend and later on I realised that it was just a crush.

Anyway, I totally feel for you! Try not to be so sad since it sounds like he didnt deserve you. I´m sure you will find someone you like a whole lot more than him soon!

 

[superman1]

Aren't you the one who was a big fan of Andy Roddick, but now you don't like him because he didn't sign your autograph when you were in the crowd? He signed for other people, but not for you, the jerk!

Maybe it's not the boys that are being dumb.