The European Tennis Tournament Tour

I'm off on my travels in early April, playing lots of ITF Senior Events in the over 40s category and perhaps others around Europe. I'm hoping there are some people out there that might fancy hitting as I'll be looking to practice at and between tournaments.

The schedule currently looks something like this:

12 -16 Apr: ITF Alassio, Italy.
21 - 27 Apr: ITF Rome, Italy.
30 - 4 May: ITF Bari, Italy.
8 - 11 May: ITF Novi Sad, Serbia.
15 -18 May: ITF Rogaska Slatina, Slovenia.
19 25 May, 26 May - 1 Jun: ITF Rovinj, Croatia.
4 - 8 Jun: ITF Klagenfurt, Austria.
12 - 15 Jun: ITF Slovenia.
16 - 22 Jun: ITF Poertschach, Austria.
23 - 27 Jun: ITF Karlovy Vary, Czech.
7 - 10, 11-14 Jul: ITF Arosa, Switzerland.
21 Jul: ITF Bordeaux, France.
Aug: South of France
Sep / Oct: Spain / Portugal.

I'll be restarting my blog to document progress.

Hopefully this thread will generate some discussion also. Especially please contribute if you live in any of the countries I'm visiting. I found a thread very useful the last time I did something (sort of) similar.

My rating in the UK from April onwards will be 4.1 which is approximately 5.0 USA and ITN 4.

Travel

I'll be travelling / living in this:

Will you be keeping the motor home after the tour? It looks nice if those are actual pictures of the one you are buying although the plastic on the floor would make me think I'm about to be the target of a hit if I walked into it. j/k

Since you have just about exactly a month before your first tournament, are you doing anything different than your normal routine to train?

Awesome, good luck Moz

beernutz said:

Will you be keeping the motor home after the tour? It looks nice if those are actual pictures of the one you are buying although the plastic on the floor would make me think I'm about to be the target of a hit if I walked into it. j/k

Since you have just about exactly a month before your first tournament, are you doing anything different than your normal routine to train?

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Dexter would approve!

beernutz said:

Will you be keeping the motor home after the tour? It looks nice if those are actual pictures of the one you are buying although the plastic on the floor would make me think I'm about to be the target of a hit if I walked into it. j/k

Since you have just about exactly a month before your first tournament, are you doing anything different than your normal routine to train?

Click to expand...

That's the one we've bought - it's being prepped at the moment. I assume they'll remove the plastic although as we're taking the dog we'd be better off leaving it on! All options are open when we come back, including upgrading to a better one.

Between now and the departure date I'm ramping things up. I've got 3 tournaments, I'm hitting a lot and getting a few lessons. I'm doing a fair bit of fitness and trying to get my weight down to 11 stone. I'm also practising my serve most days, as that's what lets me down a lot of the time.

Cheers maggmaster!

Looks like fun, watch out for groupies!

jaggy said:

Looks like fun, watch out for groupies!

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He's used to those by now. I met Moz briefly at the end of last year. Our opening exchange went something like this:

Me: Did you used to write a blog called Old Man on Tour?
Moz (mild suspicion and concern on his face): Yeah... how the hell did you know that?
Me: I post on Talk Tennis.

Best of luck with the trip. I'm looking forward to seeing how you fit a makeshift ice bath into the camper...

More likely to be worrying about droopies than groupies these days.

Dags - I'm always a bit wary, never knowing who I've managed to offend! Good to meet you, hope your tennis is going well.

Things are coming together. I pick up the motorhome on Thursday and I've received my French playing licence. Also played well in a tournament yesterday although I went down in the second match.

Good luck, Moz. Sounds like a fun Spring/Summer. Hope all goes well with the RV as well as the tennis.

Moz, hate to pry but erm, is there a missus and how is she taking this tennis malarkey?

Amazing that you're going for it though, kudos!

Cheers NLB.

forthegame: there is a missus and I'm breaking it to her gently as we go along!

Moz, good luck mate!

Picked up the motorhome now. Being a left hand drive is interesting on British Roads, but not too bad. Have a British Tour event on tomorrow so will have my first overnight sleep in the van tonight.

Everytime I get in and start driving I start humming the A team theme tune - it seems to make it go faster.

Also, turns out it's too tall for the Bari to Dubrovnik ferry, so we're now working our way up the East coast of Italy and taking in another tournament there instead of floating across.

Played a British Tour event today to continue sharpening up for the tour and also the first sleepover in the motorhome. Here's an excerpt from the blog of what happened:

"Embarked for my first tournament last night and slept in the new contraption. Going to bed in the overcab is magic - you retire feeling like an excited 5 year old and wake up feeling like you've spent the last 20 years tied up in an Austrian's basement. Now, wouldn't it be something if I could buy a vehicle that worked the opposite way round.

I like to think it sends a clear message, I'm here to stay all week and win, rather than the reality that I've spent the whole night curled up and holding a **** in because I haven't bothered to sort out the water or toilet yet and it's freezing outside.

Whatever the reality I had a routine 6-2, 6-2 win in my first match against a university student. Or rather, I thought he was but it turns out he was 15. In the next round I play a 14 year old. I hope I get to the final on Saturday where I get to slog it out against a jar of semen.

One thing is nice though. Being a paranoid old jerk I find myself unable to leave my bag anywhere at a tournament for fear of it being nicked. Now I just leave it in the van and worry about my whole life being driven off instead. "

Excluding tournament entry costs and the cost of the motorhome we are trying to spend less than 1200 euros a month for the two of us. But, to be honest it could be a lot worse than that, especially if I start drinking between tournaments! (Haven't had a beer for over 6 months).

Quite a few countries have free or cheap campsites (e.g. aires in France) or allow you to park and sleep overnight anywhere. Countries like Croatia don't allow this and force you to stay in relatively pricey campsites. I'm hoping to park for free at the tennis clubs during tournaments.

If anyone has any experience of likely costs do let me know.

It does vary. It's a one week tournament with winner's prize money of about $1250. When there is no futures in the UK many will play it instead.

This week there is prequalifying, qualifying and the main draw. The main draw has at least 6 with current atp rankings (from 500 down). One of the players has had a best of 176 and one of the others in the 200s.

Qualifying is about 5.5 standard. Prequalifying is usually 5.0 but sometimes some 4.5s can get in. During the indoor season there is sometimes no pre-qualifying.

The main draw is about that, but with a little less depth. The standard drops when there's also a futures event in the UK at the same time.

We do not allow the posting of personal blog links as it violates our policies of promoting a good or service. We do however allow the discussion of the blog which is why we deleted the link instead of deleting the whole thread.

We thank you for understanding.

Brittany, TW

If you click on Moz's name to the left, you will get a menu. Select 'Visit Moz's homepage!'.

Moz said:

Old Man On Tour

When he hits a low volley a little bit of wee leaks out.

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10hilariouschars

Moz

I hope you have the time of your life, and kick some serious azz.

Very excited for you!!

Will you have a stringing machine in the camper?

What racquet, strings and tension are ya using?

Thanks

from his blog

Physical Status

Knees: Creaky
Achilles: One good, one bad
Back: Stiffer than everything else
Elbow: Never quite sure
Neck: Works well in one direction
Wrist: Okay in Pot Noodle leisure position
Ears: Slightly hairier than last time I checked
Diarrhea: Flowing Regularly

10 more days to go - and too much to do! I've got doubles partners pencilled in or in mind for about 5 tournaments.

I'm not taking the stringing machine - mainly due to weight and space. I've got 6 rackets that I'll string before leaving and take a couple of reels of string.

I'm using Head Liquidmetal Prestige Midpluses strung with Signum Pro Hyperion 1.18 at 49 / 45 lbs. The rackets are matched / balanced by uk_skippy and the unstrung specs are:

327.5gm
31cm balance
308sw

Brittany - sorry about that, I hadn't found that rule.

Moz said:

10 more days to go - and too much to do! I've got doubles partners pencilled in or in mind for about 5 tournaments.

I'm not taking the stringing machine - mainly due to weight and space. I've got 6 rackets that I'll string before leaving and take a couple of reels of string.

I'm using Head Liquidmetal Prestige Midpluses strung with Signum Pro Hyperion 1.18 at 49 / 45 lbs. The rackets are matched / balanced by uk_skippy and the unstrung specs are:

327.5gm
31cm balance
308sw

Brittany - sorry about that, I hadn't found that rule.

Click to expand...

thank you

Interesting that you do 4lbs less on the cross when its full poly and not a hybrid. Did you try the same tension, and then 2lbs difference , and then 4lbs?... or did you just start with 4lbs diff and keep it that way?

Would like to know what differences you felt.

thanks

I did it because the crosses are shorter than the mains and think it helps keep the tension even. To be honest, I doubt I (or most) could tell the difference if they were the same! Over time I'm favouring lower and lower tensions but try not to much around too much once I find something I like.

What are you using? Did you previously use POG's?

Moz said:

I did it because the crosses are shorter than the mains and think it helps keep the tension even. To be honest, I doubt I (or most) could tell the difference if they were the same! Over time I'm favouring lower and lower tensions but try not to much around too much once I find something I like.

What are you using? Did you previously use POG's?

Click to expand...

Seems logical. Its all so personal...., yet with some people, they have no idea what string or tension that even have. I have to be more scientific to help with confidence.

I used to think I would stay with the POG's forever, until I hit with the EX03 black. Leaded the black to 12.5oz...then its was time to switch to the EX03 warrior, and I tried it in stock, and just kept it that way since I was so annoyed with having to worry about where to put the weight.

Being an old fart like yourself ... :twisted: ...it felt really great to have a 11-11.5oz ( 2 overgrips) slightly stiff frame. Having access to easy power and a big sweet spot vs the POG where I had to work a bit harder, and was very hard to put a volley away.

I'm even considering trying out some 110 head heavy frames at 10 oz and adding a leather grip.

What will you do about washing wet and stinky clothes on the trip? I guess you can always find a laundry place?

As long as all my rackets are the same and I like them I can forget about them and know they are sorted and it's down to me!

The prestiges aren't known as easy frames but coming from a Fischer M Comp everything feels easier! I can see your logic, definitely.

Not sure about the clothes - probably pop under the shower or something. I'm expecting to lose my sense of smell halfway through the trip anyway.

Moz said:

As long as all my rackets are the same and I like them I can forget about them and know they are sorted and it's down to me!

Click to expand...

Agree 100%, which is why I loved my M-Comps: All were weighted & balanced the same by Fischer. Put the same string at the same tension, and if I miss shots I made yesterday, then the only variable is me.

Moz said:

The prestiges aren't known as easy frames but coming from a Fischer M Comp everything feels easier!

Click to expand...

...and I just ordered an X Feel Pro 95 to see if I want to return to those frames...

Moz said:

Not sure about the clothes - probably pop under the shower or something.

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I've done that a couple times before. Just hop in the shower fully clothed, use some soap, wring out & hang up to dry. Works like a charm.

hop in the shower and clean yourself and your clothes

brilliant!!!


ahh err socks also??

Moz said:

Played a British Tour event today to continue sharpening up for the tour and also the first sleepover in the motorhome. Here's an excerpt from the blog of what happened:

"Embarked for my first tournament last night and slept in the new contraption. Going to bed in the overcab is magic - you retire feeling like an excited 5 year old and wake up feeling like you've spent the last 20 years tied up in an Austrian's basement. Now, wouldn't it be something if I could buy a vehicle that worked the opposite way round.

I like to think it sends a clear message, I'm here to stay all week and win, rather than the reality that I've spent the whole night curled up and holding a **** in because I haven't bothered to sort out the water or toilet yet and it's freezing outside.

Whatever the reality I had a routine 6-2, 6-2 win in my first match against a university student. Or rather, I thought he was but it turns out he was 15. In the next round I play a 14 year old. I hope I get to the final on Saturday where I get to slog it out against a jar of semen.

One thing is nice though. Being a paranoid old jerk I find myself unable to leave my bag anywhere at a tournament for fear of it being nicked. Now I just leave it in the van and worry about my whole life being driven off instead. "

Click to expand...

Your blog is hilarious. Please continue to post excerpts here. You should look into being a comedy writer or something.

Spin Doctor said:

Your blog is hilarious. Please continue to post excerpts here. You should look into being a comedy writer or something.

Click to expand...

^ thissssssssssss

That's a good idea McLovin - that's probably what foreigners do anyway, except in a river. Let me know how the x feel compares.

Spin - thanks, very kind of you. I'll post the better ones!

When you've been selecting UK tournaments, are you just searching on the LTA website or is there some better resource? I'm starting to ponder a few, but find the LTA website fairly horrible.

Also glad to see the font back to normal with the latest entry. The previous one looked like someone had removed anything that could be considered dangerous from your reach, and left you to write it with a felt tip.

Moz said:

The net result is that during points I will be thinking of, in no particular order:
1) How will I communicate with foreign garages when I break down?
2) Did the club chocolate biscuit advert really go "everyone lubs a club"?
3) What was gala referring to when she says her lover has his "trombolice"?
4) Planning how to murder the actor from the plusnet adverts.
5) What's for tea?

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In the vein of "Don't think about pink elephants!....crap! Now I can't stop thinking about pink elephants!" let me add #6:

6) Wow that was a good point/game/set. I'm going to have to write about that in my blog when I get back to the RV.

Now that I've said it, you'll be thinking about it during the match. You're welcome...

^^ It's ok though, because we can put number 2 to rest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz50uUFLqMI

Dags - the LTA website. I coach on Saturdays so am somewhat limited with the events I can enter. With a Monday start the British Tour events are ideal. I've updated the font just for you - it was my first mobile post so didn't realise. So, it really is lub? Makes no sense.

McLovin - number 6 is far too close to the bone, but thanks for the prompt!

The Curse of The Lazy and Drunk

We're leaving everything to the last minute - not long to go now!

"I was incredibly let down yesterday and only now do I feel ready to talk about it. The van has no water connection, spare keys, gas tanks, maps, satnav, bedding or curtains. All things on Sarah's to do list. What's a supervisor (me) to do when his workforce (her) doesn't turn up? Nothing, my hands are tied and therefore nothing gets done.

Apparently though being chef and drinks vendor to a bedridden hangover victim is a good use of my time. After an endless string of bangs on the bedroom floor and demands for drinks, pills and bed sore cream I have to conclude that some people don't know how to fester and die with dignity.

I've had my share of inopportune hangovers. Whether it was vomiting between assignments at an interview assessment centre, dry heaving during a wedding ceremony or having the 19th December off "ill" every year since I turned 15. So I understand. But I thought we had an implicit understanding - I'm in charge of doing "stupid stuff" whilst Sarah provides the moral backbone and organisational structure. I can't imagine how things are going to end up if we are both trying to exorcise the same demons - we may as well just go and spend 3 months in a Wetherspoons pub.

I'm whiter than white these days having had 187 days in a row without alcohol. It makes you feel like a different man. More bored, irritable, pessimistic and lonely but slightly wealthier. So, with the booze moratorium lifting when we hit the continent the prospect of waking up hungover in a roasting motorhome with a poliziotto waving his manganello at me is already making me feel nauseous. I can’t bloody wait.

As you may surmise it’s coming to the crunch now. What do real men do at crunch time? Procrastinate and find solace in decades old jobs that suddenly incur great urgency. We have no way of connecting the van to electricity, lighting the hob or processing terds – but I’ll damn well get those Star Wars figures on **** and organise my music cassette collection alphabetically.

D-Day is on the 5th April".

Moz said:

We're leaving everything to the last minute - not long to go now!

"I was incredibly let down yesterday and only now do I feel ready to talk about it. The van has no water connection, spare keys, gas tanks, maps, satnav, bedding or curtains. All things on Sarah's to do list. What's a supervisor (me) to do when his workforce (her) doesn't turn up? Nothing, my hands are tied and therefore nothing gets done.

Apparently though being chef and drinks vendor to a bedridden hangover victim is a good use of my time. After an endless string of bangs on the bedroom floor and demands for drinks, pills and bed sore cream I have to conclude that some people don't know how to fester and die with dignity.

I've had my share of inopportune hangovers. Whether it was vomiting between assignments at an interview assessment centre, dry heaving during a wedding ceremony or having the 19th December off "ill" every year since I turned 15. So I understand. But I thought we had an implicit understanding - I'm in charge of doing "stupid stuff" whilst Sarah provides the moral backbone and organisational structure. I can't imagine how things are going to end up if we are both trying to exorcise the same demons - we may as well just go and spend 3 months in a Wetherspoons pub.

I'm whiter than white these days having had 187 days in a row without alcohol. It makes you feel like a different man. More bored, irritable, pessimistic and lonely but slightly wealthier. So, with the booze moratorium lifting when we hit the continent the prospect of waking up hungover in a roasting motorhome with a poliziotto waving his manganello at me is already making me feel nauseous. I can’t bloody wait.

As you may surmise it’s coming to the crunch now. What do real men do at crunch time? Procrastinate and find solace in decades old jobs that suddenly incur great urgency. We have no way of connecting the van to electricity, lighting the hob or processing terds – but I’ll damn well get those Star Wars figures on **** and organise my music cassette collection alphabetically.

D-Day is on the 5th April".

Click to expand...

Across the pond, many recreation vehicle owners I know buy a gas powered generator in order to take their power with them. Just saying.

That's a good idea - but we don't need anymore weight and I doubt there'd be room. RVs in the US probably wouldn't fit on most European roads!

Just 2 days more to go and things are getting a little bit tight!

**************************

All present on this trip are, to differing extents, approaching the downside of life. Myself at 41, Sarah at a high 30-something and Archie 6 1/2 (45 in dog years). We all have ailments to match; mine are listed on this blog, Archie is a leprous cripple and Sarah (we think) suffers from permanent over-stimulation from my wit.

None of us has suffered such as loss of dignity though as our proud Hymer (21, which is 53 in vehicle years) which was conscripted into carrying duties to the Council tip. (This, incidentally, due to the fussy and ungrateful *******s at the British Heart Foundation who are a tad too selective over what free gifts they deem able to 'accept').

It's my third trip in various vehicles and I can't think of any other arena where you can be met with such a combination of derision, apathy and utter scorn. It's like turning up for a Ryanair flight where the staff have just been told they'll be on half-pay on the flight and they'll have to catch your terds in their handbag. I know I'm only bringing **** but what exactly did they think a recycling executive did?

This time was a little different though. As I pulled in four of the heavily tattooed lunks faces' lit up. Part of the motorhome appreciation society? Subscribers to Classic Caravanning magazine? Either way I felt a tinge of pride, until they wondered past with great grins on their faces due to the fact that an ice cream van had snuck in behind me. I haven't witnessed such unbridled joy since Bohemian Rhapsody came on in 'Wayne's World'.

Earlier this week I took a trip to get the gas sorted out. The trip was over undulating terrain which meant the van swung violently between speeds of 18 mph and 85mph depending on the gradient. At one point looking back I could see an endless queue of cars behind me, all bathed in white fog. So if the helicopter traffic news reported a giant tampon travelling on the A339 through Wiltshire you now have an explanation.

I'm also trying to get through this period without asking too many stupid question and generally appearing to be a motorhome expert. In the supplies shop I attempted to build some gentlemanly camararderie suggesting the Doctor had sent me to buy a tube of sealant (it was adverstised as an easy way to seal 'weeping cracks'), but it appeared to go over his head. Failing to generate any sort of bond through humour I resorted to a mano-a-mano conversation as to whether their ECU-mapping service might be appropriate. My carefully crafted cover was blown after being told my van didn't have an ECU and was built 11 years before they were introduced.

There's one born every minute and I can only feel relieved that I didn't make such a schoolboy error at the tip where they might have had a coronary if I'd placed my cardboard box into general household waste. If they could be arsed.

Finally, I'm enjoying driving the van apart from a slightly uneasy feeling that this would be Jimmy Savile's transportation of choice had he not been famous - not withstanding the fact that 3-point turns could be a little awkward in the school playground.

Moz said:

None of us has suffered such as loss of dignity though as our proud Hymer (21, which is 53 in vehicle years) which was conscripted into carrying duties to the Council tip.

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Love the blog but every now and then a glossary would be nice for American speakers...

Duties to the Council tip = trash to the recycling center?

Avles said:

Love the blog but every now and then a glossary would be nice for American speakers...

Duties to the Council tip = trash to the recycling center?

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Yes I agree. I was totally lost in the last post. Its like a different language

Subtitles FTW.

Dude, you crack me up. Love your sense of humor.

Moz: D-DAY is coming!

Moz, all those who live in GB salute you! (well I do it on their behalf but you get my drift).

Looks like you have got a few fans as well on the other side of the pond.

Please keep us up to date with your tennis playing travels on the continent.

You got me with the vision of 4 heavily tatooed garboligists rocking to Bohemian Rhapsody, whilst licking an ice-cream!

Sleep well..knowing all is well prepared.

Remember if the ferry sinks..women & dogs first AND don't go down with the ship!

Your wish is my command!

***********************

Howdy. It has been brought to my attention that whilst my regional wisecracks are making the British readers groan, other nationalities (mainly the Yanks) are sitting there wondering what soccer team Jimmy Savile plays for and why on earth anyone would tip the council. So, in the hope I can dodge accusations of xenophobia I am providing a glossary of terms to be used when reading the preceding blog post entitled 'Stig of The Dump'.

Glossary of Terms:

1) Ryanair: Infamous budget airline who originated business practices such as despising your customers, charging per litre (* see glossary of glossary) of air breathed during flight and referring to a plane that lands in Ceredo, WV as a 'flight to New York'.

2) Hymer: This is a term reserved for novice motorhome drivers and derives from one's virgin trip in the vehicle being known as "breaking the Hymer".

3) Motorhome, (aka 'mobile coffin'): Where living people choose to spend the last 6,000 miles on their way to the crematorium conveyer belt. The US equivalent is RV - derived from the latin meaning 'reduced of vitality'.

4) Savile, Jimmy: A deceased UK celebrity. He started off as a DJ, moved to TV and became a much loved charity-raising, marathon-running, jewellry-jangling public figure of note. Perhaps even more famous in death as a serial paedophile of singular daring and extremely varied tastes.

5) Council Tip: A state funded institution used to depose of those of pensionable age who have no income or assets and no longer qualify for a state pension. (Similar to an EU wine lake but with people).

6) Ice Cream Van: A converted Ford Transit van designed to drive around neighbourhoods selling snow cones and lollipops whilst playing an enticing tune. See also the 'vehicles used' subsection for glossary term no 4).

7) Mano-a-mano: Regional Latin dialect used in America to signify "I met him and then served him a big mac meal".

8) Giant Tampon: White furred member of the rodent family unique to the British Isles. Distinguishable by a box like body and very long tail. A sub-hibernater it sleeps most of the month and only comes out for 2 or 3 days at a time when it typically gets sunburnt.

9) Stig Of The Dump: A children's television series in the 1980s where young schoolboys find a caveboy who they befriend and bring to school. Also known as 'the hairy conflake' it turns out 'Stig' was a naked radio DJ called Dave Lee Travis and that wasn't an old leather belt hanging from his waist.

Glossary to the Glossary

Litre: As in Liter - and how things were spelled before being butchered and *******ised by distant barbarian cousins of the civilised British.

I hope this public service announcement has served its intended purpose. The tennis will be starting soon - honest.

Moz said:

Your wish is my command!

***********************

Howdy. It has been brought to my attention that whilst my regional wisecracks are making the British readers groan, other nationalities (mainly the Yanks) are sitting there wondering what soccer team Jimmy Savile plays for and why on earth anyone would tip the council. So, in the hope I can dodge accusations of xenophobia I am providing a glossary of terms to be used when reading the preceding blog post entitled 'Stig of The Dump'.

Glossary of Terms:

1) Ryanair: Infamous budget airline who originated business practices such as despising your customers, charging per litre (* see glossary of glossary) of air breathed during flight and referring to a plane that lands in Ceredo, WV as a 'flight to New York'.

2) Hymer: This is a term reserved for novice motorhome drivers and derives from one's virgin trip in the vehicle being known as "breaking the Hymer".

3) Motorhome, (aka 'mobile coffin'): Where living people choose to spend the last 6,000 miles on their way to the crematorium conveyer belt. The US equivalent is RV - derived from the latin meaning 'reduced of vitality'.

4) Savile, Jimmy: A deceased UK celebrity. He started off as a DJ, moved to TV and became a much loved charity-raising, marathon-running, jewellry-jangling public figure of note. Perhaps even more famous in death as a serial paedophile of singular daring and extremely varied tastes.

5) Council Tip: A state funded institution used to depose of those of pensionable age who have no income or assets and no longer qualify for a state pension. (Similar to an EU wine lake but with people).

6) Ice Cream Van: A converted Ford Transit van designed to drive around neighbourhoods selling snow cones and lollipops whilst playing an enticing tune. See also the 'vehicles used' subsection for glossary term no 4).

7) Mano-a-mano: Regional Latin dialect used in America to signify "I met him and then served him a big mac meal".

8) Giant Tampon: White furred member of the rodent family unique to the British Isles. Distinguishable by a box like body and very long tail. A sub-hibernater it sleeps most of the month and only comes out for 2 or 3 days at a time when it typically gets sunburnt.

9) Stig Of The Dump: A children's television series in the 1980s where young schoolboys find a caveboy who they befriend and bring to school. Also known as 'the hairy conflake' it turns out 'Stig' was a naked radio DJ called Dave Lee Travis and that wasn't an old leather belt hanging from his waist.

Glossary to the Glossary

Litre: As in Liter - and how things were spelled before being butchered and *******ised by distant barbarian cousins of the civilised British.

I hope this public service announcement has served its intended purpose. The tennis will be starting soon - honest.

Click to expand...

excellent thanks.

consider a version for dummies (yanks...or just me!

Moz said:

8) Giant Tampon: White furred member of the rodent family unique to the British Isles. Distinguishable by a box like body and very long tail. A sub-hibernater it sleeps most of the month and only comes out for 2 or 3 days at a time when it typically gets sunburnt.

Click to expand...

Thanks for that explanation. Sad days indeed when they come out of hibernation.