winebarrel
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I came across this on the net, thought I would share it with you:
Diary Of A Travelling Glut Coach
By CAPRIOSKA
20 February 2008
Collected from Miami airport feeling a little worse for wear after consuming as much free alcohol as I could en route from LA. The chauffeur who held my card up with my name on it at the airport probably has no idea what an important man I am and of the mission I am on to improve R.F’s Gluts. I arrive at camp R.F feeling seedy but enthusiastic about shaping the Maestro’s maximus.
I am given my own little private cabin, its homely but I am upset that the cable doesn’t have a porn channel. There is a welcome note from M, R.F’s manager, it says to be ready for a morning meeting and orientation at 6am. I take a stroll around the centre, sauna, spa, pool, gym, it’s all here, I make a mental note to introduce myself to the buxom receptionist and invite her to a sauna at later date. As I finally nod off to sleep I realise it’s Tennis day back home and my finely tuned body is itching for tennis
combat, so I scratch myself to sleep.
21 February 2008
Meeting goes well, I am introduced to team R.F and its quite an impressive array of professional talent from stringer to fitness coach, hitting partner, pyhsio and psychologist. I am introduced as the first professional Glut coach on the ATP tour. I feel honoured and when I am asked to stand up and make a speech I forget my shyness and start relating a story from my under 9 fledgling tennis career in Moscow. When I notice a few droopy heads and glazed eyes I win them back by drawing on the whiteboard.
I dazzle them with my brilliance by first drawing a basketball, then a second, next to it. I ask my audience...
“Can someone please tell me what is this?
“Two basketballs?” Answers M.
“BZZZZ” Wrong answer I reply and explain to them that it is in fact a drawing of Serena William’s Butt and that it is her incredible power source. I go on to state my objectives of shaping R.F’s butt to the same size as Serena’s and that by the end of my tenure R.F will be able to squash grapes between his butt cheeks. I am given a loud round of applause and I assure M that R.F’s enlarged derriere will only enhance his other prowesses.
After morning tea its time to get to work, I am allotted 1 and a half hours a day 5 days a week for my glut program. First I take measurements. RF has a very average 105cm butt girth. “Tsk tsk, we have much work to do” I mutter as I strip off and show him the basic butt clenching exercises, ON/OFF etc. I tell him that he must gain full control so that both cheeks come on at the same time with equal strength, it takes a good hour before I am satisfied he has grasped it, I use rubber gloves to test and make a mental note to keep them to sell on E-bay afterwards.
Next I show him the squat exercises, which as the Caprioska technique dictates involves bowel straining and Russian Bear roar imitations on the downward lunge, I suggest he does them over the toilet bowl in case of accidents. R.F is exhausted when my session is finished. He thanks me and says he feels stronger already.
I am confident that I can gain some international notoriety as a glut coach and be invited to beautiful people parties.
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Diary Of A Travelling Glut Coach
By CAPRIOSKA
20 February 2008
Collected from Miami airport feeling a little worse for wear after consuming as much free alcohol as I could en route from LA. The chauffeur who held my card up with my name on it at the airport probably has no idea what an important man I am and of the mission I am on to improve R.F’s Gluts. I arrive at camp R.F feeling seedy but enthusiastic about shaping the Maestro’s maximus.
I am given my own little private cabin, its homely but I am upset that the cable doesn’t have a porn channel. There is a welcome note from M, R.F’s manager, it says to be ready for a morning meeting and orientation at 6am. I take a stroll around the centre, sauna, spa, pool, gym, it’s all here, I make a mental note to introduce myself to the buxom receptionist and invite her to a sauna at later date. As I finally nod off to sleep I realise it’s Tennis day back home and my finely tuned body is itching for tennis
combat, so I scratch myself to sleep.
21 February 2008
Meeting goes well, I am introduced to team R.F and its quite an impressive array of professional talent from stringer to fitness coach, hitting partner, pyhsio and psychologist. I am introduced as the first professional Glut coach on the ATP tour. I feel honoured and when I am asked to stand up and make a speech I forget my shyness and start relating a story from my under 9 fledgling tennis career in Moscow. When I notice a few droopy heads and glazed eyes I win them back by drawing on the whiteboard.
I dazzle them with my brilliance by first drawing a basketball, then a second, next to it. I ask my audience...
“Can someone please tell me what is this?
“Two basketballs?” Answers M.
“BZZZZ” Wrong answer I reply and explain to them that it is in fact a drawing of Serena William’s Butt and that it is her incredible power source. I go on to state my objectives of shaping R.F’s butt to the same size as Serena’s and that by the end of my tenure R.F will be able to squash grapes between his butt cheeks. I am given a loud round of applause and I assure M that R.F’s enlarged derriere will only enhance his other prowesses.
After morning tea its time to get to work, I am allotted 1 and a half hours a day 5 days a week for my glut program. First I take measurements. RF has a very average 105cm butt girth. “Tsk tsk, we have much work to do” I mutter as I strip off and show him the basic butt clenching exercises, ON/OFF etc. I tell him that he must gain full control so that both cheeks come on at the same time with equal strength, it takes a good hour before I am satisfied he has grasped it, I use rubber gloves to test and make a mental note to keep them to sell on E-bay afterwards.
Next I show him the squat exercises, which as the Caprioska technique dictates involves bowel straining and Russian Bear roar imitations on the downward lunge, I suggest he does them over the toilet bowl in case of accidents. R.F is exhausted when my session is finished. He thanks me and says he feels stronger already.
I am confident that I can gain some international notoriety as a glut coach and be invited to beautiful people parties.
---------
